Should I attend this event that OW will be at?

[MerricatBlackwood]

DH had a brief affair which I discovered about three months back. He ended it immediately and he and I are working on our relationship. Seems to be going well though obviously I have wobbly moments still.

It has not been possible for him to be NC with the OW, but he keeps his distance and tells me of any brief interactions they may have.

Now my beef is with my DH, but it's safe to say that I wouldn't be wild about how she's behaved in this situation either. I have only encountered her once since the affair was discovered and he ended it. I was prepared to see her at this event (a theatre performance with the DC) but she wasn't prepared to see me - she was expecting my DH to be there instead. It was very important to me to retain my dignity so I did not engage with her at all, in fact did not acknowledge her and focused on my DC and chatting to other people I knew there. However, after initial shock at seeing me, she then behaved very strangely - provocatively? - by deliberately coming and sitting right next to me after the interval.

I did not acknowledge this and left as soon as performance was over. I don't know what she was playing at - she knew I knew about the affair. I don't know if she wanted some kind of confrontation with me or what, but in any case, I didn't give her the satisfaction.

Since then, nothing has happened, she's not attempted to contact me or to initiate anything with DH.

However, tomorrow my DC are going to a birthday party. OW will be there with her kids. I don't know whether to take them or not. Part of me refuses to curtail my life because of her, and my DC really want me to take them. On the other hand, birthday parties are quite small, enclosed spaces and I don't know how happy I will be at being that up-close-and-personal with her, even if she doesn't attempt to engage with me. Part of me just wants to get DH to take the kids and avoid the whole thing.

DH says he's happy to take the kids or for me to do it or for the kids to just not attend - whatever makes me most comfortable. The thing is, I don't know what would make me most comfortable!

Any advice on wisest course of action?

I would go and if she approached me I would move away. If she spoke to me I would say something like, 'I have no interest in you' and walk away then pretend to be absorbed in something on my phone.

I think you should go too. Ask the host if you can help in any way. Leave early if you feel the need to, but try and act supremely indifferent to OW.

I would go myself. You can always look at your phone. I would make sure that if anyone picked up on any animosity I would certainly be telling them that the reason is she was fucking my husband behind my back. Get her OUSTED!!! Despicable witch.

I would have said go and hold your head up until you said that you don't know anyone else going so wont have any backup.

I would not be able to go with the thought that she may have gossiped about it to the other mums and they are pitying of me knowing my DH has cheated and I haven't kicked his sorry ass out, so potentially I may have to stand alone while the OW is surrounded by friendlies.

No your DC should not have to miss a party, but I think I would put my own self respect in front of them wanting to go. At their age, they can easily be distracted, tell them the party's been cancelled and take them to do something else instead. If anyone should feel guilty about it, it's your DH.

I would not want to be the same room as this woman anyway, wouldn't trust myself. Yes your DH cheated but she willingly fucked a man she knew was married and had young children - she is utter scum.

When advice is sought on here...

The OP did not seek advice on whether she should leave her DH. WHether you or any other poster would stay after an affair is irrelevant.

I agree with Boolovessulley. How is this guy worth this pain? This woman's in your circle - bizarrely appearing at the same events you have to keep taking your kids to (does she have kids? Does she have a penchant for children's theatre?) How many times are you going to have to stand next to her, your miserable DH in the middle, while she stares you down?

I couldn't handle being in public under a banner of 'defeated wife'. Not for a second. Standing there next to Cheating Man while everyone in the room stares and probably knows all the gossip Other Woman has told them. "He hates his wife, only together for the kids, never have sex, she's awful, a nag, a shrew..."

No way. Take the Strong Divorcée who Doesn't Take Shit role. Head up high, then you stare HER down. She can have your leftovers. You don't share. And you don't get treated like dirt by these people.

She wants the slimy git, let her have him. He's a worthless specimen and if her standards are so low she'd take a known scummy cheater, then best of luck to her. You deserve far better.

Go to the party yourself, engage with people as you normally would. Personally, I would even say hello to her with a big old smile and then move on. If she asks where your husband is say that he is with your other child-you drew straws for who had to come to this. It sounds like interactions will happen so make them as dull for her as possible. It won't be long before she loses interest probably when she starts knocking off someone else's husband

For the posters mithering about the fact you aren't leaving him-that wasn't your question and it's not one I've any right to answer. However, my granny, used to say 'marriage doesn't fail, you fail your marriage.' Your husband has make a massive fucker of a mistake but fair play to you for putting everything into it to get it back on track. I'm glad for you that other people have posted about affairs and hey are still together, I hope it gives you hope as you look to the future.

OP I would practise my best and frostiest "fuck the fuck off" glare and go with my head held high.

I suppose my concern is that if there is a scene of some kind I will disrupt the delicate reconciliation process that DH are engaged in - we're right now focusing on us rather than the affair, and that's quite a recent development and a positive one. I'm reluctant to jeopardise that.

Send DH. He can be bored & uncomfortable.

💐 I hope that you can work through it. We tried but it was soul destroying. I actually think the period of 'trying' did more damage than good and wish we hadn't. My stomach is churning now just remembering how it felt. Just be careful how much you put yourself through and be aware that staying together isn't meant to be 'at any cost' and it's not always (very rarely in fact) best for the children.

unpleasant situation and its such early days for you too.

i do think it might be better to face the fear so to speak and go - deep breath and walk in, blank/ dont even look in direction of ow. the children's lives can't be dominated by their father's awful behaviour and this other person,nor can yours. there will be other parents who dont know people so you wont stick out like a sore thumb not having an in depth conversations to another parent.

just try to put your social face on for a couple of hours, its going to get easier as time goes on although i know how hard this is now.

bloody well done to you, the theatre event sounds horrendous and your behaviour sounds flawless.

can i stick the boot in - i know there must be some good stuff to work on to make you want to continue but your husband's then behaviour makes him selfish and nasty.

however, kids one or two times havent turned up at parties we've hosted over the years and whilst its annoying if you've paid before, i cant get insanely mad about it - no ones going to probe you as to why if you just cant face it.

I wouldn't go if it were me. Your dc will get over not going to a party. I agree with pps, it is a disgrace that you are being put in this situation. It's bad enough he went and had an affair but to expect you to now interact with her albeit at a distance. No fucking way.

I have been through something similar and did the whole moral high ground thing (in your case it would be comparable to going to the party), I was dying inside. I was doing the stuff i thought would be the best course of action to convince then dh that I was a strong woman and I would get through this, I was super woman don't you know! One day he said to me I have so much respect for you, the way you're handling it, you're so strong. And i accepted this graciously feeling very smug about my superior ability to get past this. The reality was I was falling apart, ended up having a nervous breakdown from it all, took me years to heal.

I'm not saying you've made the wrong decision op, your life, your marriage etc, plenty of people would choose to stay in a marriage in this situation, just that for me, staying in that marriage shouldn't have to mean you go round acting like some woman who is so untouched by what has happened. Why should you carry on like nothing happened? I wouldn't go near the party and I'd make sure dh knew it was his behaviour that meant the kids missed out.

If you are forced into talking to her I'd be inclined to ask how's your husband ( if she has one). What I'd really like to say is how's your dignity holding up.

Hang on.

Back the truck up...

What?

You are worried that a 'scene' will disrupt the 'delicate reconciliation process' between you and DH?

Please tell me you aren't doing the 'let's pretend it never happened, let's have date nights and I'll wear sexy underware' routine?!

Can you not call the host and ask if in this situation as 'X is a low life husband stealer' can you drop the children and collect later to avoid her - then let the host tell everyone what a bitch X is !! Hopefully she'll soon be dropped from your circle of friends ?!

I think the OW coming and sitting next to you at the previous thing is quite aggressive and bizarre. What did your dh think about it?

I won't comment on the decision to stay because you have to make the right decision for you.

As you've said, it's a delicate process. Unfortunately, it has to toughen up and that won't be without pain, whether it's from her or someone else that turns his head or makes you uncomfortable. At some point, something will throw you back to the anger and hurt and it'll be up to him to try and fix this. It's the next stage. Any fixing that doesn't involve getting over the actual affair as well as making sure it won't happen again is destined to fail, that component is just as important as the part about you as a couple.

Given that you're staying, I'd go with whatever you would have done before the affair. If he goes you need to trust him to be there. You probably can't but that's his fault and he needs to deal with that and be whiter than white to try and rebuild some trust.

If you go, hold your head high and remember that every minute you spend around her, the power that she has weakens and soon she'll have none. You don't ever need to engage with her but you'll get to the stage that you honestly don't care if she's there or not.

Good luck.

I am two years down the line from my DH's affair. I haven't had to see the OW or interact with her but I just want to say that you sound amazingly calm and strong. I think I would go and hold my head up high as you (obviously) have done nothing wrong and get to know the other parents.

And ignore the posters with unsolicited advice about what they would do re. the affair. They are not you and your DH and you didn't ask for advice on that anyway. Staying after an affair is not being a 'defeated wife'. It takes as much courage and strength to stay and attempt a reconciliation as it does to split. Both paths are incredibly painful.

Two years on I am happier in my marriage than I have ever been and so is DH. I have no trust issues, although there are still moments where I think WTF about what he did. It can be done, but it will take an enormous amount of work from him to get there.

Yes, ask the host if it would be possible to drop the kids off as ow who will be there slept with your husband.

It is a sort of toug one
Why should you have all the shit eh?
You and your dh need to be looking after you, being kind to you and your feelings
I wonder if she could be warned off from going, do others at this party know about the affair? Can you recruit an ally
If you do decide to put yourself ( let him out you through this, yes bloody tell him how you're suffering having to see her he should know exactly how his behaviour has resulted I. Your suffering) could you take your mum or sister with you ?
You and your h must find a way that will be good for YOU

Honestly OP I find it slightly worrying that you would even think being in close proximity to the OW so early after finding out about this affair.

How about putting your own feelings first, not your DC's, not your H's - carrying on and pretending that this never happened may come back and bite you in the arse later on.

OK, I'll try a slightly more helpful approach.

Why not make him be the one to get her to back the fuck off? That way, she knows it is over and he is taking your side.

"You're sitting next to my wife. Move."

Both go to the party, and if she comes over again, he tells her to back off. It saves him being the passive dummy in the background getting to avoid all the awkwardness, too. If he wants you, he can put some work in too, and the first thing he can do is get this bitter hag to turn her beak another way.

I wouldn't send dh as they might realise they are star crossed lovers after all. I get what you're saying about her dictating your life but how humiliating to be in the same room as someone who had sex with your 'd'h. He thought so much of you he had sex with someone else.

Go, hold your head up high, and if you have to look in her direction, look through her as if she's invisible.

The horrible women will likely want your attention again, so make sure you completely ignore her. IF you can't, laugh at her as if she's stupid and walk away.

It's a horrible challenge for you to have to put yourself through, but grit your teeth and put your mind to it. Be consistent and in time she will get bored.

Hi OP, sorry you're going through this you seem to be handling things pragmatically and dignified - not sure if I'd be the same!

Can you call the parent of the party and ask who's going to see if you know any of the parents. The host might look out for you if they know you don't know anyone. Or you could ask to be introduced to DCs friends parents (name them specifically) as you'do love to meet them. It could help you find some allies so you don't feel like a wallflower and leave OW to do her own thing.