Should I attend this event that OW will be at?

[MerricatBlackwood]

DH had a brief affair which I discovered about three months back. He ended it immediately and he and I are working on our relationship. Seems to be going well though obviously I have wobbly moments still.

It has not been possible for him to be NC with the OW, but he keeps his distance and tells me of any brief interactions they may have.

Now my beef is with my DH, but it's safe to say that I wouldn't be wild about how she's behaved in this situation either. I have only encountered her once since the affair was discovered and he ended it. I was prepared to see her at this event (a theatre performance with the DC) but she wasn't prepared to see me - she was expecting my DH to be there instead. It was very important to me to retain my dignity so I did not engage with her at all, in fact did not acknowledge her and focused on my DC and chatting to other people I knew there. However, after initial shock at seeing me, she then behaved very strangely - provocatively? - by deliberately coming and sitting right next to me after the interval.

I did not acknowledge this and left as soon as performance was over. I don't know what she was playing at - she knew I knew about the affair. I don't know if she wanted some kind of confrontation with me or what, but in any case, I didn't give her the satisfaction.

Since then, nothing has happened, she's not attempted to contact me or to initiate anything with DH.

However, tomorrow my DC are going to a birthday party. OW will be there with her kids. I don't know whether to take them or not. Part of me refuses to curtail my life because of her, and my DC really want me to take them. On the other hand, birthday parties are quite small, enclosed spaces and I don't know how happy I will be at being that up-close-and-personal with her, even if she doesn't attempt to engage with me. Part of me just wants to get DH to take the kids and avoid the whole thing.

DH says he's happy to take the kids or for me to do it or for the kids to just not attend - whatever makes me most comfortable. The thing is, I don't know what would make me most comfortable!

Any advice on wisest course of action?

I don't think she'll approach you again op - you blindsided her last time. You're stronger than she is.

If you don't know anyone that's really tough. Especially as you know she's determined to make you feel uncomfortable. Could you take your phone and study it? Stay standing and move away if she approaches you? There doesn't need to be a scene. If she dared to try to make one just very calmly say "this is x's party (name the child specifically), I don't think this is the place to talk about this" and walk away. Repeat if she does it again. Ignore ignore ignore. But remember that's worse case scenario stuff and pretty unlikely to happen.

All this talk of downtrodden and humiliated in regards to op

Remember op- you are superior to both of them and have absolutely no need to feel shamed.

You are handling yourself with dignity and that is by no means easy. You should hold your head up and be proud.

All dh and ow have done is make obvious their faults and weakness of moral and character.

I believe there are good people who can make a mistake and on the contrary there are untrustworthy predatory lying bastards. It's up to you to decide in your life who is what.....

In you position I wouldn't want pity, keep that for the OW and your DH.

You are so much better than she is, that is all you need to remember.

really feel for you. Im a few years on from this but know how difficult it is.

I actually think that dealing with the other woman is completely separate from working out whether you stay or go from the marriage. I don't understand why people are telling you to LTB..... even is you did it would be still be very difficult to deal with seeing the OW. Some people think that forgiving any kind of infidelity is equivalent to being a doormat or a "defeated wife"..... Bullshit. Sometimes it takes far more bravery and balls to try and work out how to save a marriage. Obviously stay strong and do what you think is the best but you do what is best for you and your family.

Anyways back to your issues:
in my case OW had a child in my sons class and looked after my other son as a nursery keyworker. I obviously removed him from nursery straight away and was lucky enough to be able to have him at home with me ( I was on maternity leave when I found out). School was trickier. I made sure I went to any assemblies etc as normal. I told a few good friends and she knew they knew. This meant they were able to form a protective cordon around me as needed ( and tell her to go away if she came near me). I thoroughly recommend this approach if possible. DH obviously wasn't keen on me telling people what happened..... but,wel,l tough. If a party involved her being there one of my friends or myself would enquire if she was there or not. If she was I would drop and run or someone else would take DS. On the odd occasion I had to take and stay I would ignore ignore ignore. Once or twice she tried to engage with me I fixed her with my best " fuck off bitch" stare. I'm sure she thought I was unhinged but frankly I did what I needed to get through that time.
Im not sure if this is relevant for you but as DS and her child where in the same class I told their teacher. DS was aware what had happened. She very discretely kept an eye on things to look out for DS.

Several years on she has removed her child from the school. The day I found out I wouldn't have to face her at school againI cried and cried.

I know the dread of pulling into a car park and seeing her car there. I still know her reg number and if I see a car like hers in a car park I have to sit and compose myself.

I would look for some way for the children to go and not you. I doubt DH wants to go does he? ( I know my DH wanted to keep away from OW as much as possible once the affair came out- he was ashamed about the whole thing I think). If no other option I would do something else nice with the children instead and decline the party invite. Get away to the coast or something instead? I'd really recommend telling some close friends in real life.... I know people weremore than willing to help out with children when they knew the score.

I am shocked at these fear-inducing responses to the OP trying to play on her sense of uncertainty. "You will look like this if you do that,she will think this and probably bitch about you to everyone at the party."

OP you go along, you ignore her and you act indifferent. Even if you and your DH eventually split up, that has no impact on how much you should respect yourself (ie very highly) in all situations OW or not. Let it shine through. I particularlykke a pp's suggestion of "can I help you?" If she gets too close. Or if she says the affair is going on or apologises or whatever just look at her blankly and say "oh, well done you," fake smile and walk away.

What UpTheAnty said. Good luck!

I agree with Beckys, your husband should be the one publicly standing up for you and standing by you - and he should be the one to feel awkward at having the child's party with his children.

I think spanky's post is way off beam because, in the unlikely event that your husband would decide they are star-crossed lovers after all, you would presumably put a halt to reconciliation and start divorce proceedings.

I'm sorry that you're in this position, Merrica and no, you didn't ask the question should you stay with your husband or not? but threads do expand on the subject and I also agree with BoolovesSully, I think it's not long ago that this happened and perhaps the overriding desire to make things work is yours, because of your young children. Who knows?

It's absolutely true that it's your husband who has put you in this awful position because he put him and HER first, rather than he and YOU. It's hard to come to terms with that, I know. I was also a cheated on partner and couldn't get past the idea that it wasn't the OW having sloppy seconds, it was me, and I didn't want them.

Send your husband to this party, he said he would so let him do it.

Phone and headphones, listen to music.

Agree with UptheAnty.

That's a good suggestion from Florene if you do end up doing the party run. You could also play farm saga for the afternoon or similar?

Whatever you decide, both now and in the future, remember you are not in the wrong. Anyone who buys the 'he only cheated because you didn't iron his shirts often enough / listen to him moan about work sympathetically / keep your figure / take it up the arse / blah blah whatever' bullshit is a misogynistic idiot. It is never a woman's responsibility to keep her husband from cheating.

He made his mistake and it is because of what is wrong with him and very likely nothing whatsoever to do with you or the OW. It's certainly not because you did something wrong or because she did something right.

She can only cause a scene if you let her. I agree with previous posters that some prepared lines will help and offering to help the hosts out will ensure your popularity in the future as well as keeping you busy.

My take is that it is precisely because you cannot bury your head in the sand and pretend it hasn't happened that you should go.

The wisdom of psychology is that avoiding things you are anxious about only reinforces it's strength over you.

Since you and DH are trying to get past the affair, allowing this woman to remain a big deal just ascribes her more importantance than she's worth. The more you see her the less power she'll have to disturb you.

If you don't go OW wins in that she knows she is still the main focus of your attention.

If you send DH OW wins, in that she knows you feel too threatened by her to come yourself and therefore, once again, she is still the main cog around which your entire marriage is orbiting.

So I think you should go and try to be as natural possible. Which will send a very strong message that she really wasn't so important after all and certainly never a threat, and kill any remaining 'hopes' or notions she may have been clinging onto that you and DH trying to repair your marriage is just a hopeless experiment on your DH's part, and when it fails she'll default to her and she'll have him to herself. I really wouldn't be surprised if she wasn't entertaining such thoughts.

You may be very uncomfortable, but once you do this once, you'll never find it as difficult again. Failing to confront her is prolonging the inevitable.

Take your power back.

He'll default. Bloody spell check.

The ideal would be to go and hold your head high but if you really don't feel up to it I think it's sensible to be gentle with yourself and send DH instead. If you can't trust him to be in the same room as her there's really no hope of repairing your marriage. Best of luck OP.

Rotten situation for you to be in! But I think you should go and take the children, as others have said you've done nothing wrong! Good luck, hope it's not too excruciating for you.

AntiqueSinger, that's interesting. I was thinking of it from the complete opposite view, ie. DH goes the OW either thinks that he wants to see her - or that OP can't face her. If OP goes, OW might think that OP doesn't trust him in OW's company, or that he's 'not allowed' to go and that OP is keeping him locked away at home.

Ideally, OP's husband should have given off a strong enough rebuff to the OW so that she steers a wide berth now... I wonder if there's a possibility that DH could drop off OP and kids at the party - then pick them all up afterwards and BE SEEN to be doing that, not ostentatiously but definitely as a family man?

3 months on is no time at all and I think that on this occasion your needs should come first. It would make you anxious to go, and anxious if your DH goes, so on this occasion your kids miss a party, no big deal. Make up a white lie about why they can't attend.

I definitely agree lying witch that DH very visually dropping off OP and DC's with a kiss that's neither too long or too short for good measure would be an ideal compromise. As you say, hopefully the DH in question made his position very clear and unambiguous.

Actually I've changed my mind after reading your later responses OP - I don't think you should go, you are obviously dreading seeing her and I don't blame you. You have been very hurt and things are still very raw. She has a bloody nerve though - if she had a half decent bone in her body she'd stay away. This is your husbands fuck up and he has put you in this position - tell him he has to find someone appropriate ( family member or friend) to take the kids and he can explain to that person why neither of you feel comfortable going.

I'd skip the party. Life's too short and kid birthday parties are too voluminous. I've skipped them for less - but I can guarantee you I wouldn't go in this circumstance. You don't need to prove anything to anybody by attending. It will be weird and awkward.

She should stay away, I'm amazed at the front of her. Does the party host know?

I wouldn't be able to face it, so wouldn't go. On the other hand, I wouldn't want her thinking she'd won and sitting beside you at the performance is freaky, what was that about? Is she hoping you'll be 'civilised' and talk to her? Cos I'd rip her fucking face off.

I would phone the host and tell her exactly why my children wouldn't be attending the party. Have you told many people what has happened? Isn't it about time that the other parents know that this woman is a skankbag?

My sympathies OP, it's a tough one. I was in a similar position but complicated by the fact that the OW was a 'friend' whom I had supported and helped as part of a close- knit expat community. I avoided visiting the city for a long time afterwards (I'd moved back to the UK by then) and missed my friends there and they missed me. During this time the OW assumed an importance and menace that she really didn't deserve and it hindered my recovery I now realise. Going back there last year ( and twice more this year) felt great. She diminished in importance and now I really don't give a shit about her.

What I'm trying to say is that I think you should go. Whether your H goes too is irrelevant, it's all about you reclaiming your pride after you've been shat upon. Prioritise that above all else.

Who would poorly DC1 like to stay home with?

Not only did your husband stray when he had the choice to say no he was stupid enough to do so practically on your doorstep putting you in a very difficult situation. Evidently she doesn't intend hiding. She may have been told all sorts of course. Sitting next to you that time at the theatre was her attempt to seize back some control so well done for ignoring her.

It's very short notice to cancel and hard on your DCs. Personally I would get DH to do party duty. Who cares what OW thinks.

Go OP. You have been amazingly dignified and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Why should you and your children feel in any way embarrassed, or miss out on normal life because of the behaviour of these two people?
It sounds as if this will happen again in the future and while three months isn't long, I'd bite the bullet and face her down now. She should be the one feeling uncomfortable, not you.