Should I attend this event that OW will be at?

[MerricatBlackwood]

DH had a brief affair which I discovered about three months back. He ended it immediately and he and I are working on our relationship. Seems to be going well though obviously I have wobbly moments still.

It has not been possible for him to be NC with the OW, but he keeps his distance and tells me of any brief interactions they may have.

Now my beef is with my DH, but it's safe to say that I wouldn't be wild about how she's behaved in this situation either. I have only encountered her once since the affair was discovered and he ended it. I was prepared to see her at this event (a theatre performance with the DC) but she wasn't prepared to see me - she was expecting my DH to be there instead. It was very important to me to retain my dignity so I did not engage with her at all, in fact did not acknowledge her and focused on my DC and chatting to other people I knew there. However, after initial shock at seeing me, she then behaved very strangely - provocatively? - by deliberately coming and sitting right next to me after the interval.

I did not acknowledge this and left as soon as performance was over. I don't know what she was playing at - she knew I knew about the affair. I don't know if she wanted some kind of confrontation with me or what, but in any case, I didn't give her the satisfaction.

Since then, nothing has happened, she's not attempted to contact me or to initiate anything with DH.

However, tomorrow my DC are going to a birthday party. OW will be there with her kids. I don't know whether to take them or not. Part of me refuses to curtail my life because of her, and my DC really want me to take them. On the other hand, birthday parties are quite small, enclosed spaces and I don't know how happy I will be at being that up-close-and-personal with her, even if she doesn't attempt to engage with me. Part of me just wants to get DH to take the kids and avoid the whole thing.

DH says he's happy to take the kids or for me to do it or for the kids to just not attend - whatever makes me most comfortable. The thing is, I don't know what would make me most comfortable!

Any advice on wisest course of action?

Go and hold your head up high. It's just a few hours.
Her sitting next to you was weird so be prepared for weird behaviour.
And I applaud you for staying with him and working it out.
You have him and the kids and she has what? Good luck rebuilding your relationship x

Sorry you're having to face this op

I've discovered I have an amazing ability to make out someone isn't there. It's oscar-worthy. I had no idea I had this skill.

Perhaps try it? You are the one with all the strength and dignity here, she is the skank. You have every high ground going, her none. You want to work it out with DH but there is no need to work it out with her. She is a biological entity you can ignore, literally as if she isn't there. Not pointedly but like she simply isn't present.

When (?) you get back we'll all be here to heartily clap you on the back. A bloody hero. Getting through it will boost your confidence no end.

Whatever you decide, I'm sending you strength. You're head and shoulders above her, please don't ever feel inferior to his piece of trash.

If you do go tho, I bet your h will be sick with nerves. And bloody Well deserved too.

This piece of trash, not his.

Really appreciate all these responses. Am actually at a wedding (solo) today, so have drunk a fair bit of prosecco and and enjoying the breathing space.

I'm still undecided about tomorrow, but either way I am sure I need to retain my dignity and avoid a scene at any costs (for my sake, not DH's).

Jonesthesteam, if you're who o think you are (from mn not rl!) I'm really pleased to hear that you are ok and happy. I remember you getting pasted on mn for your decision to try and work things out.

Op, I hope whatever you decide to do it works out for you. I would be tempted to go to the party, but I think that's because I'm bloody mi fed and stubborn and wouldn't let her chase me away from my life. Good luck

If it were me, I think I would go purely because if I were going to keep banging into her I would rather get the first few over with so I wasn't feeling like this in the long run. If she speaks to you, say something like "why on earth would you think it is appropriate to speak to me?" or as another poster suggested "I have no interest in you" and spend as much time helping the host or actively watching your kids (even if they don't need watching and it's a bit of a facade) as possible.

It's a crap situation but it sounds like you've been nothing but dignified and I reckon the more you carry on in that vein, the more you show her how much better you are than her.

Both of you take the children out somewhere "better" for the day. You don't need the stress. Good luck.

When you're trying to recover from a cold, you don't go and mix with other people with a cold. You avoid, and get stronger. Then you can deal with them.

It's early days so I wouldn't go if it's going to cause trouble or stress you out, maybe go on a nice family day out to make up for the kids not being able to go? And distract from the whole situation.

You don't deserve to feel stressed on your weekends because of them, fuck it off.

I went through a similar thing a few years ago. Our DD's were in the same class in a very tiny rural school. In fact, they still are. I went through all the agonies that you are now. At first the OW tried to front it out but I was quite open with the other parents and she found very quickly that women are generally quite tough on other women who are OW!

I barely see her at school these days and if I do, of course I look right through her and I don't give a flying fuck. Time is definitely a healer.

And it's not been easy but things are pretty good at home these days.

I know it's hard sticking in there and often I do feel I've let the sisterhood down, it's an unfashionable stance. But it's best for me and my family.

Hope you feel better soon. She really isn't worth your thoughts.

I think I'm going to go, and they try to retain dignity and avoid any interaction with OW.

I'm very grateful for all of your input. These situations are so hard,with no easy answers.

DH and I have a twenty year history. It's my hope that this year will eventually become a (very large) large rough patch of that, rather than the end of us. I don't know. I wish this stuff was easier.

I would go Merricat. If you have decided to stick with your man, then be strong and refuse to let your life be dictated by his awful act and this awful woman. Because she has been awful. Let her stand in her own mess and maintain and dignified presence. You have nothing to feel ashamed about, she does and really how dare she sit next to you at the performance. You did well to rise above it, but equally just quietly leaning over and saying 'f**k off' would still be OK. You have done nothing wrong and she hurt you and your family. Or even said loudly 'Excuse could you sit somewhere else, it's just that I don't want to be any part of the woman who had an affair with my husband' - so that everyone in that theatre could hear.

So don't ever let your DH go to these things, YOU go, and reclaim your territory with a quiet but determined strength. If she starts being weird and causing trouble, I'd have no qualms in telling her where to go, expose her.

Whilst you're at the party you could post here on your phone OP! No need to be alone

OP I do consider what happened now as a 'rough patch', but one that has made us far stronger and happier and much more of a unit than we ever were (and things were pretty good before all this). We, like you, also have approx 20 years together.

I have friends who have been through this since, the DH has acted like a total dick, completely rewriting history, denying an affair despite huge evidence to the contrary, barely staying in touch with his DCs and making comments like 'we were never a team' on one hand to his DW, whilst also telling her that he thought they would get back together one day.

It makes me actually feel proud of DH for stepping up, working on why he had an affair and being so completely committed to us now. He says it would have been far easier to leave and run away from what he did, not face up to it at all. (Believe me, I gave him hell, which he deserved!) But he didn't. And he is very happy that he stayed.

spadequeen Yes I was ridiculed for even thinking about staying together at the time of my thread about DH's affair. There were a lot of v harsh posters, but also some amazingly supportive posters and it was ultimately very helpful.

I listened to Prince Harri and another man talking about the Invictus games on Radio 2 last week. The other man was a soldier who had been injured and then took part in (and helped organise) the last games.

He spoke about how, when he looked in the mirror, he always thought of himself as an 'ex-soldier' after his injuries. A very negative way of thinking, he said.

The Invictus games gave him the chance to think of himself as something more positive - an athlete.

For months and months I thought of myself as a betrayed wife, the wife of someone who had an affair.

Now, I think of myself as someone who is very much in love with her husband and he with her. I look in the mirror and see someone in an equally happy, loving, affectionate relationship. Why dwell on the past, when the future looks so good?

I will always know what he did, but it doesn't make me a victim or 'defeated', thanks v much.

I'm strong, independent, have amazing DCs, a job I love, lots of friends, a fab hobby (at which I have a real talent) and live a very fulfilled life. My relationship with DH is in addition to all this.

It's not been an easy path, but time is a great healer. It's a cliché for a reason.

Good luck OP.

Hi OP

I have also been in similar situation. Thankfully my dh was able to go NC with OW.
However the first time I was at an event she was at (we didn't know she was going was a formal event) I left and afterwards I was so furious with myself for allowing her to dictate where I should and shouldn't go. It put dh and my relationship back a far bit as well. It brought back a lot of angry and hurt this was 10/11 months after it had ended and 6 months after I had decided to try and work on our marriage. I have only seen her once since and she walked in I gave her a death stare and she left immediately.I actually don't think she is a terrible person and felt ashamed of her actions.

OP I think you should go and take back control .If you go be prepared for it to impact on your relationship with your dh in the short term at least.I really hope you figure it out. It's hell on earth but if you are true to yourself and don't settle for anything less then it can work out and it will just be a bad patch in your marriage.

Jones, what a lovely post. OP, I'm glad you've decided to go.

For Jones

You should be very proud of yourself.

Big girl pants on time! Go in there and smile and be gracious to absolutely everyone- including her - for the time of the party at least even if it's killing you inside. You will look serene and the better person (which you are) especially if she loses her cool!

Your H put you in a terrible position by having an affair with somebody in your circle of acquaintance. Wow. I hope he is worth it.

Mericat, hope you're ok and all went as well as it could.

Well, I'm here and OW is not. So all rather anticlimactic in the end. I'm irritated with myself for having let it occupy so much of my headspace for the past few weeks, but I guess this is all part of the process.

Thank you all for the support and encouragement - it was genuinely really helpful.

Make sure that your husband is aware of how this has made you feel, Merrica, I think the affair is so new still that you'll have thoughts about it quite often. He should not underplay nor underestimate the affect that his actions have had on you.

I'm glad that the dreaded event is over though.

Glad she wasn't there, guess she's found some dignity at long last and felt to ashamed to go. Well done you for going though!