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Original poster

Should I attend this event that OW will be at?

132 replies

MerricatBlackwood · 07/05/2016 07:08

DH had a brief affair which I discovered about three months back. He ended it immediately and he and I are working on our relationship. Seems to be going well though obviously I have wobbly moments still.

It has not been possible for him to be NC with the OW, but he keeps his distance and tells me of any brief interactions they may have.

Now my beef is with my DH, but it's safe to say that I wouldn't be wild about how she's behaved in this situation either. I have only encountered her once since the affair was discovered and he ended it. I was prepared to see her at this event (a theatre performance with the DC) but she wasn't prepared to see me - she was expecting my DH to be there instead. It was very important to me to retain my dignity so I did not engage with her at all, in fact did not acknowledge her and focused on my DC and chatting to other people I knew there. However, after initial shock at seeing me, she then behaved very strangely - provocatively? - by deliberately coming and sitting right next to me after the interval.

I did not acknowledge this and left as soon as performance was over. I don't know what she was playing at - she knew I knew about the affair. I don't know if she wanted some kind of confrontation with me or what, but in any case, I didn't give her the satisfaction.

Since then, nothing has happened, she's not attempted to contact me or to initiate anything with DH.

However, tomorrow my DC are going to a birthday party. OW will be there with her kids. I don't know whether to take them or not. Part of me refuses to curtail my life because of her, and my DC really want me to take them. On the other hand, birthday parties are quite small, enclosed spaces and I don't know how happy I will be at being that up-close-and-personal with her, even if she doesn't attempt to engage with me. Part of me just wants to get DH to take the kids and avoid the whole thing.

DH says he's happy to take the kids or for me to do it or for the kids to just not attend - whatever makes me most comfortable. The thing is, I don't know what would make me most comfortable!

Any advice on wisest course of action?

OP posts:
JonesTheSteam · 08/05/2016 16:43

Well done for going Merricat Flowers

I agree with LyingWitch. You need to tell your husband how this has made you feel. Don't sweep it under a rug and ignore it.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 08/05/2016 16:45

Win for you, Merricat!
I agree though, you need to discuss this with your DH, about how much this has affected you this week. Openness is completely necessary for you both going forward, I think.

springydaffs · 08/05/2016 16:50

Well done Merricat Flowers

Hissy · 08/05/2016 17:29

I agree with sharing with your h how the party made you feel, it's a crap thing to have to discuss, but if there is any hope of you getting through this and out the other side, it's complete disclosure and honesty on both sides.

He has to know how far reaching his actions are and he has on own them completely and apologise.

Nothing he can do to make them go away, but he can make sure you feel heard and your hurt acknowledged.

Once he has, you should be able to let go a little and not feel quite so awful.

One thing to bear in mind is that one day you MAY indeed bump into her, if you prepare yourself for this now/in the short term, you should be able to handle it better when and if it does happen.

You did a brave thing today love, you faced a fear and did it anyway.

Can you see how much strength you have? (((((Huge hug)))))

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 08/05/2016 17:36

Well done OP Flowers.

spanky2 · 08/05/2016 17:43

I don't understand. Please explain. How can your cheating dh be so in love with you when he has put his penis in another woman. He loved you so much he couldn't be faithful. He wanted to be married to you so much he spent time shagging someone else when he could have spent the time with his wife and family.

SoupDragon · 08/05/2016 17:47

Do you think that is at all helpful, Spanky?

Oly5 · 08/05/2016 17:47

Oh spanky, lots of men and women cheat, for lots of reasons. It's not right but lots of people do it, get over it

spanky2 · 08/05/2016 18:06

Telling me to get over it isn't explaining. I'm not bothered who does what, but I do want to understand why people behave how they do. How can a man say they love their wife when they're being unfaithful ? It seems to me that it would irreparably break trust and the bond between two people. I also want to understand why a cheated on partner takes that person back. To be so deceitful must change your view of their character. If they are capable of that what else will they be capable of?

BarbaraRoberts · 08/05/2016 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Imbroglio · 08/05/2016 18:26

Spanky if you want to discuss whether its ok to stay in a marriage after infidelity then maybe start a new thread? That isn't what this thread is about.

Purplemonkeydishwasherpimp · 08/05/2016 18:30

What I can't understand is how you're willing to forgive your husband but still despise this woman. It takes two to do the cheating, I highly doubt he was innocent, you've forgiven your cheating husband so you can't in theory not forgive this "home wrecker"

As for who ever said try get her dropped from the group of friends... But the cheating husband is still alright in martial bed yeah? Hmm

SoupDragon · 08/05/2016 18:34

I do want to understand why people behave how they do

And you think this is the right place to ask? Your somewhat graphic post comes across as plain nasty given the OP and her Dh have decided to work through it. Do ynk she wants to be reminded of that?

AntiqueSinger · 08/05/2016 18:34

Well done OP, wow what a strong woman you are. Your DP clearly stood to lose a helluva lot if he had lost you!StarFlowers

SoupDragon · 08/05/2016 18:34

Ynk = you think

AgathaF · 08/05/2016 18:39

Glad it turned out ok. I agree that discussing it with your H would be a good idea.

VeryFoolishFay · 08/05/2016 18:46

Speaking from experience, it's much easier to direct your venom at someone with whom you're not trying to rebuild a relationship. No one said it's easy and because you're trying to move forward it doesn't mean that you think it's ok and all forgotten. Life isn't black and white though.

Goingtobeawesome · 08/05/2016 18:55

It says more about a poster who comes on a thread like this to say spiteful unasked for comments than it does a wife or husband who has decided to stay with their spouse.

Original poster
MerricatBlackwood · 08/05/2016 19:15

I'm not directing venom at the OW. I was (am) very anxious about having to see her in person because it is very painful. She didn't 'owe' me anything, I suppose, except basic human decency in not being complicit in actions that would cause another person great distress. I think it's acceptable for me to find seeing her upsetting.

I am fully aware that DH should be the focus of my anger and sense of betrayal. And he is.

OP posts:
heyhulahoop · 08/05/2016 19:27

Doesn't sound like the OP is being overly venomous or angry to the OW however it sounds like the OW has been pretty antagonistic.

UptheAnty · 08/05/2016 21:24

I'm glad today's over op.
Good luck with everything, I wish you happiness and peace xx

Newjobwoes · 09/05/2016 05:07

Wow Spanky, your posts are coming across as very aggressive!

What is your agenda?
As others have said, start a new post for that.

OP, well that's another hurdle crossed! As you say you wish you had not given it headspace, but of course you were not too know she wouldn't show up, so naturally given her awful actions last time (moving to sit next to you) you worried.

Hope you've had a good nights sleep after all that stress.

TrivialBlah · 09/05/2016 05:35

Good for you Merricat, glad that you went to the party, can understand how difficult the thought of going must have been.

I've also been where you are. I'm now five years on and still with dp. I wanted to end the relationship after finding out, dp worked extremely hard trying to piece together the cracks, he changed completely from the selfish self centred person he had become. He really did have his work cut out (and rightly so) and many times during the first 12 months I said I couldn't do this but I did. We'd been together for 20 years, have a Ds together, lots of history.

It's not easy whichever path you choose to take. Before this happened to me I would have been the first to shout LTB. I was always the first to say if anyone ever cheated there'd be no second chances. You just never know how you'll react until it happens to you. It all does depend on your dp being completely open about everything and building back that trust which they've shattered. I'm definitely a stronger person, I'm not a downtrodden, doormat who lets people walk all over her, I chose to give dp another chance, he worked harder saving 'us' than he's ever worked before and THAT made all the difference. He knows there will be no second chances.

Merricat, meant to ask earlier in my post, hope you don't mind me asking but why can't your dp go NC with OW? Do they work together? This must be hard for you as well as having the dc crossing paths. I don't know how I would have felt in this situation. Dp blocked all contact, he made everything transparent to me, phone, email, passwords etc Info was there if I needed it. Five years on and I don't need that reassurance, we're stronger than we've ever been.

Good luck OP Flowers

Sorry for the waffle, been up with the blackbirds on this warm sticky morning. Can't sleep so having a cuppa in peace before mad Monday begins.

Original poster
MerricatBlackwood · 09/05/2016 07:04

Thank you, all.

I'm hoping next time will be easier. I have spoken (at length!) to DH about how difficult the past week has been. He listened and understood.

Yes, DH works with OW - though only once or twice a week - so total NC isn't possible.

OP posts:
Snoringlittlemonkey · 09/05/2016 07:21

Have you thought about a complete change of life to start a fresh?

I'm sure people will have a different view on this but just as a suggestion why not consider a new move and your DH starts looking for a new job?

I would not see it as running away from your problems but a firm commitment to a new future.

People can rebuild after an affair. It won't be the same relationship, it can't be. But they can build something new.

Good luck OP Flowers Hilary Clinton did it and look where she is now!!

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