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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

What is a narcicist?

57 replies

janaus · 05/05/2016 03:36

Could someone please explain to me, in simple terms, what they think a narcisist is?
It was mentioned in counselling, but I don't know anything about it.
Thanks again.

OP posts:
wallybantersjunkbox · 13/05/2016 00:02

Good luck for the mediation and also to you math FlowersFlowers

mathanxiety · 13/05/2016 00:05

Thank you!

DD4 has been seeing a social worker at her school all year and is pretty well able to express herself in situations where she is 'on the couch' so to speak.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 14/05/2016 16:27

So, I had my two-hour mediation yesterday. My six-year old daughter started being sick just before 4 am so I didn't get much sleep. (She's developed a stomach ache every time she is about to see her father or after she leaves him.)

During the mediation the lies came thick and fast. After ten minutes of a semblance of calm the accusations and falsehoods came raining down on me.

I don't think the mediator has cottoned on yet about him; he is wonderfully convincing. I think we came out fairly even (sounds like a boxing ring). I stood my ground, remained calm, respectful but managed to speak out. 'Please could you answer my question?' That phrase needed repeating a few times before he grudgingly answered with a yes or no. But still the lies followed, one after the other. 'That's your opinion' is another go-to phrase I use.

It's fascinating how everybody is to blame but himself. My lawyer has lied to me, the electricity company advisor lied to me, I'm the reason why my children are so unpleasant to him and unhappy. He is a baffled, sad victim.

Truthfully, I cannot wait until the next session in three weeks time. There is so much that needs to see the light. The mediator at the end said he was hopeful for us as we were communicating respectfully and intelligently. He also noticed that my husband remained static in his stance about the future. To improve communication between the parents, both must make an effort. Clearly my husband wasn't buying that.

My future ex certainly did fall into a pattern of contradictions. Some I managed to highlight others, due to my sleep deprived brain, will have to wait until next time.

Imbroglio · 14/05/2016 16:39

The mediator will be aiming for both of you to feel positive about mediation and to come back - he'll be looking for 'win-win'.

It sounds like you did really well - just stay calm and let your ex scupper his own boat.

ThisIsTheRightTime · 14/05/2016 16:47

Thanks Imbroglio. I couldn't have manage to stay calm and detached a few months ago. Time is a healer indeed. Therapy and hindsight and a lot of tear-drenched days full of blinding fear have also helped build me into my current state which is a good thing as the children really do need a pillar in their lives.

I do wonder if the mediator will be insightful enough to spot the Narcissist.

The next time my ex resorts to lying again I think I will answer something along the lines of 'how can you deny this when there is written proof of what you said in both our legal files?'

mathanxiety · 15/05/2016 03:02

Flowers to you, ThisIsTheRightTime.

Please make a note of your DD's symptoms and keep that record.

Try to write out everything you want to say in bullets for next time. Lay it on thick. Narcissists can sincerely believe every word they say and thus they can be very convincing. Their victim narrative informs their life when they have been crossed. It is second nature to them to spew it out at anyone who will listen.

Don't be afraid to provoke. Don't stick to answering everything he says. Take the offence. Act like the prosecutor.

(Yours sounds like the twin of mine).

Imbroglio · 15/05/2016 07:28

If he lies it might be more effective to ask him to explain. Eg That in the legal papers it says x, so you would like him to clarify why he's saying y.

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