He's gone tepid, cut my losses?

[cherrybomme]

Hi I've been dating a guy for a few months. He pursued me, we hit it off, I shagged him v early in the proceedings because I had the horn!
He carried on pursuing me, v regular contact, unexpected phone calls, soppy message, always treating me to meals etc.(I did reciprocate in terms of meals as well)
He works away a lot, after I've spent time with him we'd always be texting etc but the last couple of weeks he went quite cold, said he'd ring but didn't and ignoring my messages for days and days (longest has been five days)
He always initiates contact but sometimes when I respond he just ignores my repsonse
So I called him out on it last week as was pissed off he said he'd phone but didn't all week and ignored my messages
I asked him if he was not interested because if so I'd rather cut my losses
He responded quite quickly to that message, said he's still keen but had been super busy and stressed.
Sadly cos of technology I can see when he's been online and it's pretty regular and frequent so clearly just ignoring me
He also said he loves our time together and has wanted to talk to me for ages about where we're heading
So we arranged to meet this weds, in the convo about meeting up I left the last message last night which he's once again ignored
I'm now thinking of ditching the whole thing
I didn't want a boyfriend or full on relationship but am now in the position where I'm checking my phone loads and getting stressed and sad about it
When wer'e together it's really lovely, romantic and funny but when we're apart with zero communication it just kills it for me.
I don't expect to hear from him every day although he used to message me for hours each day (in the eves, lunch time, mornings etc) but I'd like to have some communication with him otherwise he starts to feel like a stranger.
What do you think? Am I expecting too much?
Should I meet him this last time or just ditch the whole idea?
I'm so confused m never been thru this with anyone before .

Oh bless you janet if I hadn't have come on here I probably would have continued following the anxiety, clingy route. I didn't have a clue how to behave, I kept making excuses for him but after I'd expressed my feelings and he didn't change I knew I was giving him too much power.
He's still in my head, I have so many questions, especially about the sex, why couldn't he ejaculate, was it someone else or was it something wrong with me?!
My ex husband was a porn addict and had very little sexual interest in me, it really fucked with my head and self esteem, so when this guy was all over me and very keen it really boosted me then when the ignoring started I started to feel so low and anxious and am now preoccupied by the fact that I couldn't bring him to orgasm!
I know it is ridiculous and I'm focusing on the wrong thing but that's how my mind works!
So what I'm saying is I understand and wish I had never met him! X

I know what you mean - in the end the reason he couldn't ejaculate is almost certainly to do with his own issues, though, and he probably experienced this with his other sexual partners too. I still have loads of questions with this guy I 'm referring to as well and, like a saddo, I find myself running them over in my mind 'in conversation' with him. I am glad I haven't asked him them, though, because I know he wouldn't have told me the truth/would have said things that would have made me feel even more shit. I responded to you because I absolutely recognised your feelings - I had felt quite ambivalent towards this guy when I met him and he was dead keen and funny and 'won me over'. I regret it sooo much but I ended up fancying him and loving his company more than I could ever have imagined. I am going to do what you did and cut contact at the first whiff of ghosting if this happens to me again - it's the sane route x

Well done Cherry I know exactly how you feel too. These so called men are really not worth our time but still hard. X

A bit off topic, but......
Berk is short for Berkshire hunt, which rhymes with?????......

Well done Cherry! You're doing far better than me, so hats off to you. I'm in a similar situation that you were in, and am 90% at the dumping stage with my "boyfriend". The only reasons I haven't dumped him is because there are unanswered questions (which do my head in), he bought me really thoughtful birthday presents a few weeks back (why would he do that if he wasn't bothered?) and that he says he thinks he's depressed (he's started taking over the counter depression remedies because he doesn't want to go to the GP).

We've been together over 2 years - met online for casual dating (but he moved the goalposts to something more emotional) - and he's never ejaculated with me either. His excuse is that he feels wiped out afterwards if he does, but that shouldn't matter if we fuck before bed He clearly has issues but his main one is bad communication. He's incapable or reluctant to discuss anything important, or share too much personal info, which feels like I'm being kept at arms length (which he denies doing deliberately) and has meant the relationship has stalled. I brought that up a few weeks ago and he's still not "talking". Due to his "depression", work stress and divorce, and my heavy workload at the moment (where I seriously don't want distractions) I suggested we have a break until later this month. Hopefully we will meet up then and I can get a better idea of whether there's anything to salvage or whether to dump him (that's if he hasn't actually dumped me that is...I'm not really sure, it's that fucked up). Bloody annoying coz now it's nice weather I'm absolutely gagging for a shag

janetinjeans yes it's the unanswered stuff that really bugs me. You know when you're unsuccessful at a job interview you're supposed to ask for feedback in order to improve your chances next time? That's how this feels, if he's not assertive or confident enough to tell me the issue how can I deal with it (if it is something I've done wrong).
I'm still in the mode of replaying stuff, all I can think is that I came across too keen or one day id had quite a nasty family shock , I didn't tell him anything about it just told him I was feeling a bit shitty but didn't dwell on it and he was as affectionate as usual afterwards, the weird contact stuff had already started prior to that anyway.
I'm sure it's all related to his smoking, partay habits and refusal to grow up.
I do seem to meet men who are immature or weak in various ways, usually some sort of destructive habit/ addiction, must be to do with my alcoholic dad and personality disordered mum!
Good luck in staying strong next time, sure it must get easier as time goes on? X

Thank you tailsup sorry you know go it feels too, crappy isn't it? I veer between blasé and hurt and confused!

teenyw I had heard that but completely forgotten it! Maybe not such an inoccuous curse, perhaps I won't share it with my kids!

Aw whataloadofbollocks what a bloody weird ejaculation excuse! Sorry for you that's shit, two years is a long time!
I know what you mean re the weather and the horn, I've been doing lots of exercise, getting lots of sun so feeling more toned and brown, would love to have someone to jump around with!
Be interesting to see what happens with you guys, when you look two years further down the line where do you see yourselves? Can you hack two more years of the same? Do you think he can make the significant changes you need?
Good luck x

Funny enough found matey's t shirt in the laundry basket, half tempted to offer it back, part of me thinks it's polite to, other part of me knows it's just an excuse to contact him. he said it was new bought for our date but it's just q plain t so can't imagine he's going to be desperately searching or hankering for it!

I'm mid-late 40s, had a lot of partners, and he's the only one that has never ejaculated with me! I've gone through all the possible scenarios for reasons why...

Heavy porn user...doesn't seem like him (he's not pornified IYKWIM), so I'd be surprised.

Death grip wanker...maybe, but it's not as though he loses his erection (no problems there!), so I'm doubting lack of stimulation. He makes it very clear he fancies me too.

Other woman...it's always possible, but I've met a couple of his friends, family and co-workers, which would've been risky if he was up to no good. Always thought his excuse for not wanting to come was odd though, but never made a thing over it because he is such a closed book.

He blames not being able to talk/open up on his ex, who he says used personal stuff against him. I reminded him that I was not his ex!

Like you, I just really want answers.
He's never struck me as a player or a bad 'un, but ultimately I can't be with someone who makes me second guess stuff. We're adults and should be able to discuss things like whether we are "casually dating" purely because of logistics (his child care and work commitments), or whether he simply doesn't want more from me, FFS. This all flared up because we didn't celebrate our 1st valentine day (good), then he deceided to celebrate the next (moving the goal posts), but then decided not to this year. WTF am I supposed to make of that?! I can handle being dumped but I find it very hard dealing with not knowing what's going on, and I've told him this

Next time I think I'll look to date a politician or a spy so I have a better chance of getting straight answers to "awkward" questions

Meant to say it's not entirely because of valentine's, just that it was the catalyst to me thinking about what relationship we have etc. What's really fucking it up is his inability to answer my questions (that I don't thnk are that awkward but clearly he does).

Sorry for my long posts, only this has been brewing for weeks!

There must be some factory somewhere churning out these feckless feckers. Sadly mine bought us tickets to a gig in July I am desperate to go to. Then it's bye Felipe

The feckless fuckers factory
If/when me and Mr FF split up, much as I'd like a man for sex boyfriend, getting involved with one would be a minefield and I definitely don't want anyone sapping my brain power away from my work for the next 2 years.

I've had the flakey, the unreliable, the commitment phobic, the needy, the emotionally screwed, the keen one minute gone the next, the "not sure what I want"s, the ghosters, the stonewallers, the storm off in a strops, the bad kissers, the selfish shaggers, the unkind, the controlling, the stalkers, the not talking no for an answers, the "gone back to the ex"s, the hard of thinking, the insecure, the jealous, the friends only to try and get into my pants not real friends...

At the moment I'm not up for taking the risk in the hope of finding one without serious issues.

whataloadofoldbollocks have we been dating the same guys? I'd like to th I could go two years without it. I'm always gagging for it but even if the sex is good the shit that normally accompanies it tends to cancel out the physical fun!

misyaggravation I like your style. enjoy the gig then let's burn down the FFF (feckless feckers factory)

whataloadofoldbollocks things will become apparent eventually they always do, you might get fed up before you get answers from him, apparently all the answers are within ourselves. I think it's often the case that women post on here knowing the answer deep down but we've forgotten how to trust our instincts so just need to mull it over with someone. Impartial net strangers are great as there's no emotional connection as there is with friends and family x

So....what do people think? Make a voodoo doll with his t shirt? Give it to charity or, as my sister suggested 'burn it' (said in quite a scary voice)?

Make a voodoo doll out of his T-shirt then burn it Cherry

And you are so right about the answers being within us if we listen to our gut instinct. I think my FF is not a "bad" man in the scheme of things, but he is not into me enough, and not enough to counteract his feelings of wanting to be single after a 20 year relationship with his ex. He had only split from her about 6 months before we got together, which didn't matter when all we wanted was casual, but after a few months he behaved as though he developed feelings for me and that when the uncertainties started. Too many mixed messages. I just wish he had the guts to be bloody honest with me. Of course there might be a slim chance he's having a breakdown, but it's been said so often on MN that when a man is really into you there is no second guessing, no wondering how he feels. And my personal favourite quote...

Relationships are like farts...if you have to force them they're probably shit

Haha! Lovely analogy!
Yes it's true, things should just flow naturally, no guessing, no anxiety. It seems to flow really naturally at first then falter...
Hope u get your answers sooner rather than later.
His mental health isn't a reason for you to be unhappy tho, especially if he doesn't accept support x

Ok..call me a dick but am I wrong to feel a bit disappointed that this guy didn't even try and talk me round? I'm just being childish and letting my ego get the better of me but he was just so romantic and affectionate at times , of course I know he was ghosting me and had sexual dysfunction and a dope problem and was living like an adolescent on the days he wasn't Superdad . He has a cool job, the sort of bloke women swoon over but underneath it pretty one dimensional so why am I still reeling from it nearly a week later?
I gues I had some hope for the relationship to develop into something more. And of course the unanswered questions...
Sorry, just thinking aloud here, trying to make some sense of the situation

It's natural, but he knew that you'd seen through him. He probably knows he's not a great catch. He'll probably continue to have surface relationships.

Thanks bringiton I have a tendency to overthink things (can you tell) I have to return to my original decision of steering clear of men. I am obviously not cut out for this.
I do wonder what happens in middle age with dating. I haven't fared very well so far, should I write it off altogether?

Hell no! Continue having fun and being choosey! OLD sounds hellish, not sure I'd do that!

Bringiton2016 great attitude!!

I looked at OLD a while back but I didn't properly join, just browsed to see who's 'out there' . I found the options to be very limited and many of them I knew irl as we're in a small town. Also it seemed that the guys my age were on the whole quite bitter and angry...
Then I looked at the women in my age group and without exception they were stunning, impeccably groomed, lots of fitness pics and self aggrandizing status photos, i felt I could never pass muster as I'm a low maintenance hippy chick!

I sometimes read the OLD threads on here, it doesn't look fun at all, instead of angst about one man I could be playing the same guessing game with fifty of them?!

I did OLD years ago as a younger woman and found the whole thing very empty and superficial. I even went speed dating once, hideous. I got a lot of matches and one I quite fancied until I overhead him telling a friend that speed dating is 'cheaper than getting a prostitute'.
I didn't meet any of them, every single one had done the speed date thing more than once. I think that once you get past a certain age it's very slim pickings and the men I have met think that I'll put up with any old crap as I'm a single mum.
I sometimes worry that I have unrealistic expectations as nobody seems to have what I would require from a relationship.

Hi cherrybombe
I did OLD two years ago for the first and only time in my life after having so many shitty times with shitty guys!
Didn't tell anyone , haven't told anyone to this day and after going on a few hideous/average dates (a good learning curve though) I met a guy who was different to everyone I've ever met and we fell sickeningly head over heels in love! We now are 6 months pregnant and I'm so grateful I did what I did.......!
Don't give up. I so nearly did X