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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

He's gone tepid, cut my losses?

176 replies

cherrybomme · 03/05/2016 00:08

Hi I've been dating a guy for a few months. He pursued me, we hit it off, I shagged him v early in the proceedings because I had the horn!
He carried on pursuing me, v regular contact, unexpected phone calls, soppy message, always treating me to meals etc.(I did reciprocate in terms of meals as well)
He works away a lot, after I've spent time with him we'd always be texting etc but the last couple of weeks he went quite cold, said he'd ring but didn't and ignoring my messages for days and days (longest has been five days)
He always initiates contact but sometimes when I respond he just ignores my repsonse
So I called him out on it last week as was pissed off he said he'd phone but didn't all week and ignored my messages
I asked him if he was not interested because if so I'd rather cut my losses
He responded quite quickly to that message, said he's still keen but had been super busy and stressed.
Sadly cos of technology I can see when he's been online and it's pretty regular and frequent so clearly just ignoring me
He also said he loves our time together and has wanted to talk to me for ages about where we're heading
So we arranged to meet this weds, in the convo about meeting up I left the last message last night which he's once again ignored
I'm now thinking of ditching the whole thing
I didn't want a boyfriend or full on relationship but am now in the position where I'm checking my phone loads and getting stressed and sad about it
When wer'e together it's really lovely, romantic and funny but when we're apart with zero communication it just kills it for me.
I don't expect to hear from him every day although he used to message me for hours each day (in the eves, lunch time, mornings etc) but I'd like to have some communication with him otherwise he starts to feel like a stranger.
What do you think? Am I expecting too much?
Should I meet him this last time or just ditch the whole idea?
I'm so confused m never been thru this with anyone before .

OP posts:
cherrybomme · 05/05/2016 08:32

hissy he must have been dating other people, I remember very early on when we were messaging, he was out, I was home with the kids, he asked 'did you find a suitable film to watch?' Quite innocuous but I hadn't been looking for a film and we hadn't discussed films at all at that point!
dangerrabbit I'm often surprised how much crap my friends take from men. I'm the only divorced or single one!

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 05/05/2016 09:07

Tbh OP I'm really happy with my OH and we've been together and year and a half now its all good. But he still is a bit flaky with communication - will not tell me when he's running late etc (we live an hour away from each other) when I've questioned that his answer was "well you can always phone me to see where I am" Really. Common courtesy says you'd let me know but whatever! I think and I am generalising here, men are just a bit crap with phones. But the "Ive been really busy and really stressed" is always always just an excuse - we make time for what we care about - no exceptions. As I say we live an hour away from each other and met online - we still manage to see each other at least 5 days a week.

Buzzardbird · 05/05/2016 09:48

Well done Cherry, you're brill.

The way he tried to turn it back on you as though the no contact was your fault would have been a problem down the line.

Bringiton2016 · 05/05/2016 10:17

I think coupled friends always like to see the singles get attached.

I don't think he was harsh or you were. It just wasn't happening. I couldn't be doing with all these fingers in different pies; what a way to feel shit!

Hissy · 05/05/2016 10:17

cherry you have got the measure of this guy, just let it fade.

cherrybomme · 05/05/2016 10:37

Slowdecrease glad it's working for you despite the communication differences. I think this is what friends were getting at, 'men' can be a bit shit with phones, just give it time, lay it on the line, he'll Buck up, well I laid it on the line last week and he didn't Buck up, last night's meeting/date was meant to be where we discussed our 'relationship' in more detail, but his lack of communication over the preceding four days was what killed it for me, he knew how I felt yet still couldn't pull it together Confused

buzzardbird yes I did think that. It was all he had to come back at me with and wasn't even true, it is sad, t least nothing horrible was said by either of us, it's not the greatest ending but certainly not the worst!

hissy yes I think I have. Or maybe he genuinely is super tired and super stressed, thought he wanted it then realised he couldn't sustain it, whatever, he was slack and disingenuous at the end, a bit sad today but been for a run with a friend, sun is shining, meeting another friend for lunch and off to cast my vote. Forward March!

OP posts:
notagiraffe · 05/05/2016 12:26

He's not sure why it wa sup to him to message you? Well, duh, because you had messaged him and he'd not replied. He sounds so infantile.

cherrybomme · 05/05/2016 12:36

Think he was Clutching at straws notagiraffe !

OP posts:
Slowdecrease · 05/05/2016 12:43

Yes its just something to fire back isn't it. As I say even my lovely OH tries to pull that one rather than just apologise/buy me flowers/rub my feet - I mean I'm easily appeased really Grin

cherrybomme · 05/05/2016 21:14

He just message saying he was straight with me and wasn't blanking me, he said 'sorry it didn't work out ' weird although I was the one to turn him down it does rather feel like I'm the one who has been dumped! Confused

OP posts:
Hissy · 05/05/2016 22:10

Straight with you? When he couldn't even keep track of his conversations?

No.

He was not straight with you.

Straight with you would have told you up front that he's backing off, or not wanting to be involved.

Even non-performing bloke actually had the non-operational balls to tell me he was seeing others. I had to hand him that.

Hissy · 05/05/2016 22:12

You kind of finished with him, but his ego won't have that and he has to have the last word and turn it around so it looks like his idea.

Slowdecrease · 05/05/2016 22:17

What a berk.

cherrybomme · 06/05/2016 09:26

Ha! Yes a berk! Don't hear that word much nowadays, might introduce it back into my vocabulary once I've checked it's not offensive to anybody!
Thank you hissy I was starting to doubt myself. Deleted and blocked now!

OP posts:
Socialmediahell · 06/05/2016 09:34

berk! haha! love that word. It's up there with twerp, or twit.

cherrybomme · 06/05/2016 09:42

Ooh yes twerp as well! Wally was a popular one at school. Before we learned wanker Confused

OP posts:
Socialmediahell · 06/05/2016 09:53

hahah!

Socialmediahell · 06/05/2016 09:53

I think he sounds like a bit of a ratbag. or a nitwit

cherrybomme · 06/05/2016 10:35

Nitwit definitely. And a bit of a plonker.

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 06/05/2016 14:29

The man's a scoundrel!

cherrybomme · 06/05/2016 20:28

possibly a bit of a cad?

OP posts:
NorksAreMessy · 06/05/2016 22:11

A bounder of the first water

JanetinJeans40 · 06/05/2016 22:16

I've followed this thread, Cherrybomme, because I found myself in a very similar situation last year. I handled it far less well than you, however. He does sound a wally, berk, wanker and cad but you sound fab. Well done!

cherrybomme · 06/05/2016 23:34

Ooh norkdsaremessy nice insult. Classy.

Hey jenetinjeans thanks for your message, pray tell how did you deal with it? I'm still happy I have done the right thing but still a bit sad! Ridiculous ! X

OP posts:
JanetinJeans40 · 06/05/2016 23:48

Oh gawd, I dealt with it in the worst possible way. I clung on, remained 'friends' and the anxiety I experience about vague/long-delayed/lack of whatsapp messages and his hints at wanting to meet up was horrendous. A year on, I still think about him and miss him a bit. Had I kicked him to the kerb and taken no crap in the way you did - I'm sure I'd have movd on emotionally long ago. You have DEFINITELY done the right thing. Yes, you're feeling sad but you will no doubt have increased your self esteem and confidence a notch or two x