He's gone tepid, cut my losses?

[cherrybomme]

Hi I've been dating a guy for a few months. He pursued me, we hit it off, I shagged him v early in the proceedings because I had the horn!
He carried on pursuing me, v regular contact, unexpected phone calls, soppy message, always treating me to meals etc.(I did reciprocate in terms of meals as well)
He works away a lot, after I've spent time with him we'd always be texting etc but the last couple of weeks he went quite cold, said he'd ring but didn't and ignoring my messages for days and days (longest has been five days)
He always initiates contact but sometimes when I respond he just ignores my repsonse
So I called him out on it last week as was pissed off he said he'd phone but didn't all week and ignored my messages
I asked him if he was not interested because if so I'd rather cut my losses
He responded quite quickly to that message, said he's still keen but had been super busy and stressed.
Sadly cos of technology I can see when he's been online and it's pretty regular and frequent so clearly just ignoring me
He also said he loves our time together and has wanted to talk to me for ages about where we're heading
So we arranged to meet this weds, in the convo about meeting up I left the last message last night which he's once again ignored
I'm now thinking of ditching the whole thing
I didn't want a boyfriend or full on relationship but am now in the position where I'm checking my phone loads and getting stressed and sad about it
When wer'e together it's really lovely, romantic and funny but when we're apart with zero communication it just kills it for me.
I don't expect to hear from him every day although he used to message me for hours each day (in the eves, lunch time, mornings etc) but I'd like to have some communication with him otherwise he starts to feel like a stranger.
What do you think? Am I expecting too much?
Should I meet him this last time or just ditch the whole idea?
I'm so confused m never been thru this with anyone before .

Ha! That's what I do! I don't really want to keep it off, I have lots of friends I keep in touch with online and if my kids aren't with me I want to be contactable by their dad, school, childminder etc plus Dad rings them from my phone, as ado leg mum home alone a lot phone is my lifeline which has probably meant I'm too quick to reply to this guy as am always on it! I have played his game of just uignoring him but it doesn't come naturally to me and makes me feel petty!

Even if he was emulating Sting, I'd ditch him for his failure to orgasm which indicates his dick may be present but his head's elsewhere as that wouldn't sit too well with my ego. femme fatale emoticon

Nevertheless, as my curiousity would need sating, I'd meet up with him to see what he's got to say about where the relationship is heading before revealing that it's going nowhere due to his lack of enthusiasm.

I'm not averse to a toke on occasion, but those occasions are few and far between as one joint inevitably leads to another with predictable results. I imagine him rolling a spliff and logging on, cue text from you which he intends to reply to after he's finished whatever he's up to online... the evening rolls on with more spliffs and more good intentions until he logs off and the last thought he has before Morpheus claims him is 'shit, I should have text cherry - never mind, I'll do it tomorrow' and wakes to another groundhog day.

If your phone is more or less in constant use there's no need to check it specifically for messages from him that may have gone undetected by whatever alert system you've set up, is there? Stop that immediately and resolve to only look after you've dealt with a text/call from someone else otherwise you won't just drive yourself mad - you'll also get on the tits of onlookers

Cancel meeting him. That puts the control back with you, so you won't be checking your phone all the time. Then plan to do something fantastic that night instead, with someone you know you can rely on, or on your own. And start thinking over what sort of values and qualities a man must have before you even consider taking him seriously. Just drop off your radar anyone who doesn't meet those values.

But I'd always prefer to be single than with a man who plays games and mucks me about. If you insist on being treated with respect and immediately drop any man who doesn't give it, you will, eventually, meet a man worth caring for.

Pot smoker NO! Erectile dysfunction NO! There's stuff going on and unless you want a roller coaster and try to rescue him I'd bin him right off. Run for the hills. Wish I had, very, very badly.

Brilliant post goddess yes the lack of eruption from him did rather dent my ego but I figured that sometimes it takes people a few goes before they work as a pair, apart from the lack of ending it's enjoyable sex but obviously can go on a bit longer
than I'd prefer due to his whatever it is ...
He lives in quite a partyish houseshare I gather, all of his friends seem to be couples and most seem to drink and smoke loads. I'm not averse either but they seem to be living quite a young lifestyle (a bit hipster too)
Hilariously I set his messages to go straight to archive so I had some control over when I saw them, conversely so that I wouldn't need to see or respond straight away, hence the constant checking.
notagiraffe I know that what you are saying is right. It is my curiosity and need for closure that make me want to see what tomoro brings...

starsaligning he has no problem getting an section, he has a great erection just doesn't seem to go anywhere , I guess it's more delayed ejaculation, so delayed it's non existent. I always wonder does he go home and finish himself off as it must be uber frustrating but because he's built up this wall between us now it's hard to have any conversation like that whereas I would have addressed it by now had we been having more dialogue. He's obviously keeping much of himself from me, what's your experience if you want to share? I'm definitely not into rescuing anybody, no time for that kind of nonsense. He seemed so straight and together and not the needing rescue type but I guess the toking is a big sign of someone who actually does not have it together as much as they like to think.

Think the blue pill is helping with the erection?

Oh blimey and he smokes weed too? He's not a catch. You sound way too bright and together to deserve a feckless drifter in a house-share aged 40.

Oh god could he be using viagra??? That's grim I don't think so tho as it seems to crop up at various times, it's not a permanent priapism !
Yes feckless drifter! He said he was paying a huge amount of maintenance to his ex (like huger than the usual) due to her personal/financial situation and was living with a friend who then moved in with his girlfriend, feckless got his own rented flat which promptly went on the market, at the same time his friends needed a lodger so it was handy for him. He did make a self deprecating comment about being in his 40s in a houseshare situation, this was on our first date so considering I had no plans to get involved I wasn't really bothered by his drifter status

Op you should look up the 'death grip' I suspect this is his problem.

Also when you are wondering about someone's true intentions look at their actions and forget about their chatter.

His actions say that he is losing interest although I do still think it will be interesting to go along.......as long as you can handle the excuses.

If you think he is talking rubbish be prepared to end it with your head held high and self respect in tact

Just read death grip, yeah it probably is. In my googling I found that there is also a band called Death Grip. I bet they're lovely background music.
Yes, interesting to go along. I must say this is the first time I haven't looked forward to seeing him

I agree with ChicRock about the levels of communication (that he started hot and fades away but keeps you hanging).

It sounds as though he is keeping his options open. I've been there so can highly recommend sacking him off.

From what I've read.... Don't meet up with him even to hear his pathetic excuses. Hold your head high and never look back. He sounds like a total loser that's playing you. Your so called friends in real life should be telling you this. Read back over all your posts and take yourself out of the picture imagine it's someone you don't know. What advice would you be giving?

Jkl if it was my friend I'd be telling her to sack him off! But then I might be intrigued and say just go and see what he has to say if u need that closure but I'd be thinking 'sounds like he's lost interest' . I guess cos he told me he hadn't I believed him.
ilovetoast what happened in your situation ?

This is from a book called 'Mr Unavailable and the Fallback girl.' By Natalie Lue. It's great for figuring out the wrong 'uns:

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/30-signs-that-someone-isnt-interested-or-is-half-heartedly-interested-in-you-how-to-avoid-being-a-passing-time-candidate/

Very, very long story short:

• He was an old friend who got back in touch
• Blew my phone up with texts
• Uber charming
• Then went hot and cold
• i became hooked at looking at my phone when he went cold
• blamed myself and felt massively anxious as thought I'd upset him
• He'd disappear for days and when I backed off in response, he'd blow hot again.
• I barely dared to be myself in case he backed off. Drove me crackers!!

It's a massive story really but there were many red flags and really I was just an option to him.

I learnt to always believe actions, not words and to trust my gut.

Hope this is of some help to you :-)

Honestly, he's just going to tell all your mutual friends you are high maintenance and expect him to text you like a teenager, blah blah blah.
Just cancel saying something has come up. Take a week to get back to him. Then say oh yes you must meet up sometime soon and let's talk again when he's next in town... And if he suddenly starts texting keenly on a daily basis... Text him back how great he is but it's just not working out for you and hope to see you around at X and Ys (if you have mutual friends' events coming up).

Blowers of the hot and cold really, really fck up your self esteem* unless you (a) genuinely don't care yourself and are using them for your own ends or (b) are as hard as nails.

Because it is human nature to think "he was so keen, I'm the same person, what did I do?" and blame yourself.

Also it has the utterly mind fcking effect of intermittent reinforcement* (example link below but google for more on this). Best explained by the rat experiment. Rats in cage with lever. Press on lever get food. Over time the ratio changes so that it's only every 2nd press get food, only 5th press, only 10th press and so on. The rats go mental and start constantly bashing on the lever until they mentally explode in frustration like a microwaved hamster.

This is what happens to your brain with a man like this. You will keep "pressing the lever" of contact with him because you want the "hot" times back. The "hot" times will re-appear when he really thinks you are about to cut contact to real you back in. They get further and further apart; you try harder and harder to win the hot times back. Your brain = microwaved exploded hamster and your self esteem goes with it.

outofthefog.website/what-not-to-do-1/2015/12/3/intermittent-reinforcement

Thank you everyone for the brillian posts and links. It seems like he is following a script then and I'm just a pawn playing right up to it!

I wouldn't bother going to meet him op. He sounds like hard work.

Plus, who wants to be checking their phone constantly to only be disappointed he hasn't texted back. Unfortunately, I think, if he was interested you wouldn't need to do the chasing.

Urgh! I remember that awful, gutted feeling, wondering why he hasn't replied/called

Would not waste my time meeting him. I'd send him a text. 'This isn't working for me so I need to move on. Best of luck to you in the future. Goodbye.' And then pull the trigger on all his contact details. Can't be dealing with a weed smoker in his 40s. Grow the fuck up. I can guarantee it's the cause of his ejaculation problems, too.

Yeah well I haven't heard from him since sat when we were arranging meet up, normally by now he's in touch to confirm deets etc, not too difficult to work out he's gone more than cold... His prime messaging times are normally 7/8 at night or around tennish at night or lunchtime and he's had ample opportunity to contact me, has posted on fb.responded to others but not to me. It's bloody hurtful but I guess now reading everything here that I'm meant to get the message by osmosis. What a dick.

Thank you for sharing ilovetoast I recognise al those feelings, it's so unhealthy. Glad you're out of it now!

Did you tell him you didn't want a boyfriend etc? Because I suspect if you gave the impression you weren't fussed and always let him initiate contact etc `(as you said he did) then he probably assumed you were cool with a casual thing...the minute it seemed that wasn't the case, you were growing fond of him and therefore more invested and expectant , he hightailed it as it took you at your initial word and was really only after that. Apart from all his other issues and the fact that its a bit crap to just stop being in touch totally I don't think he's done anything massively awful, it's just you started falling, he saw that and he didn't feel the same way. And yes, constant texting all day every day is a massive red flag and as another poster said, completely unrealistic and unsustainable in an adult relationship.

No I didn't tell him that straight away, it wasn't a convo we had, at some point we both shared that both of us had sworn off the opposite sex prior to meting. I had told him (as written upthread ) that I'd had a couple of needy men and it had been a real stein for me so yes he could have got the impression that I only wanted casual but that was a few date in and he'd already started getting quite romantic by that point and afterwards. It's pretty much since he started working away that things have gone weird (approx two weeks) but he has been back in town in between times. I didn't ask him to call or anything he just said he would and he'd message me to say 'I'm going to call u later tonight' then never call , no apology or explanation .
He would say things like I'm counting the days till I see you again, I miss your beautiful face, I don't want to miss the chance to be with you blah do blah, always talking about what we're going to do on subsequent dates , so possibly future faking I guess...
I agree, in the scheme of things he's done nothing 'bad' but at the least he's been bloody impolite!