He's gone tepid, cut my losses?

[cherrybomme]

Hi I've been dating a guy for a few months. He pursued me, we hit it off, I shagged him v early in the proceedings because I had the horn!
He carried on pursuing me, v regular contact, unexpected phone calls, soppy message, always treating me to meals etc.(I did reciprocate in terms of meals as well)
He works away a lot, after I've spent time with him we'd always be texting etc but the last couple of weeks he went quite cold, said he'd ring but didn't and ignoring my messages for days and days (longest has been five days)
He always initiates contact but sometimes when I respond he just ignores my repsonse
So I called him out on it last week as was pissed off he said he'd phone but didn't all week and ignored my messages
I asked him if he was not interested because if so I'd rather cut my losses
He responded quite quickly to that message, said he's still keen but had been super busy and stressed.
Sadly cos of technology I can see when he's been online and it's pretty regular and frequent so clearly just ignoring me
He also said he loves our time together and has wanted to talk to me for ages about where we're heading
So we arranged to meet this weds, in the convo about meeting up I left the last message last night which he's once again ignored
I'm now thinking of ditching the whole thing
I didn't want a boyfriend or full on relationship but am now in the position where I'm checking my phone loads and getting stressed and sad about it
When wer'e together it's really lovely, romantic and funny but when we're apart with zero communication it just kills it for me.
I don't expect to hear from him every day although he used to message me for hours each day (in the eves, lunch time, mornings etc) but I'd like to have some communication with him otherwise he starts to feel like a stranger.
What do you think? Am I expecting too much?
Should I meet him this last time or just ditch the whole idea?
I'm so confused m never been thru this with anyone before .

Yes definitely that. Classic ghosting it would seem, never mind OP he did sound not much of catch anyway tbh

Please don't waste an evening with this man. You know you won't be walking home on air at the end of it. You'll feel shaken and confused. Be unavailable. Don't reply to other texts. don't check or confirm your meet up. Plan to do something else.

When you meet a man who is lovely and straightforward and trustworthy and is where he says he'll be when he says he'll be there 100% of the time, you realise quickly how deeply unappealing these needy adolescent men are. The weird thing is, that when you raise your standards, good men come crawling out of the woodwork. A friend taught me that. In my twenties my love life was a disaster. A friend told me to raise my game massively and only go out with men who met my key criteria for what a good man should be. I listened and met DH. 22 years later...

No on paper he's no catch! We just laughed so much it WAS really fun . Until it stopped being fun.
He just so did not seem the type to do this weird behaviour!
Well at the grand old age of early to mid forties I've been ghosted. First time for everything. Hurt pride a go-go!
I'm so intrigued about whether he's going to contact me about meeting Tonight or no. I'm veering towards not bothering although he may have already made the decision for me with his lack of communication

Ha! Just got the message now asking if I'm still up for meeting later...

So I replied 'No. You were a lot more fun when you had communication skills.' Done.

Glad you did that, but as others have said his earlier "communication skills" weren't actually great, OTT text contact is not great at best and a red flag at worst!

That plus the being "off relationships", negativity about how much maintenance he's paid, orgasm problem/possible porn issue, smoking weed and "young lifestyle" in his 40s with a DC would be more than enough to end it IMO even before the ghosting.

duckdaemon you're probably rigt, tbh because I wasn't interested in anything serious I overlooked what might have seemed like flakery, I wasn't bothered about being in a relationship with him, he was just fun company to do dates with and a bit of (unfinished) sex. And I like the occasional smoke altho nowhere near his league therefore that wasn't an issue. I live in a houseshare (albeit I own the house!) and I understand the housing market and the divorce scenario, my exh had to downgrade somewhat so none of it seemed strange to me!

Just read tft. Great message you sent him! Well done! I've been there a million times in my 20s. These blokes are so much fun to be around but not at this age. They are great for going down the pub with but no more than that. You really have dodged a bullet. What did he reply?

He replied 'oh bugger'
Then a few minutes later 'what if I promise to recite you some poetry?'
I replied I'm not into recitation, I just like real people, he then replied 'its too early, are you upset or are you pulling my leg?'

So then I replied this: 'Not upset and not pulling your leg. I enjoyed your company and the dialogue then u weren't there anymore. nobody is too busy to send a message to say ' I'm too tired to call u even tho I said I would' or whatever just nothing. I can't do fucking every ten days with nothing in between, it just feels a bit blah therefore I'm done.'

That's all the explanation I'm going to give, I doubt he cares or really wants to hear what I feel but at least I've said it, it's off my chest now

He doesn't really get it does he!

Nooooo!!!

He obviously thought I was desperate. Thank u women of mumsnet for galvanising me and helping me out of passive mode. I had a little cry this morning but feel all the better for taking control. Little bit of rage against the machine helps thank you for being there with me xxx

Ooh well done!!

Good for you!! I hope he leaves you alone now.

Thank u. I'm sure he'll leave me alone, I'm half expecting some passive aggressive dig from him , normally guys show their true colours when called out. Hopefully not but it will help steel my reserve if he does.

They always come back with some stupid witty remark!

Well done again. He was adding nothing to your life and had you whipped up into a state. You haven't got the time or energy for that.

If you have to reply again make sure you don't come across as wronged or bitter as you will probably have to socialise with him at some point.

Thanks bringiton I've said my piece, I'm not going to labour the point! My anxiety was sky high, it was not a healthy place to be, not fair on my kids and detracting from my daily life. It was the mixed messages that did me in!
I'll go back to being 'breezy' now, a la Monica geller

Breeeezy

Well done! Fuck him off. He's a total loser at it is.

Well done you. Probably feels pretty shit but you've done the right thing. Delete his number, keep busy and do something nice for yourself. X

Haha thanks guys. I'm working today but plan to lunch in the sun then have a big bike ride and swim planned later, am really into running and fitness at the mo so think it will help me flush him out. Got lots of friend dates planned and getting hair overhaul on Friday, onwards and upwards.
So glad I got it done before I started to develop stronger feelings, makes it so much easier to move on!

Sounds fun - a lot more fun than sobbing out having a smoke. And now you have done it, you've raised the bar. You won't let anyone else treat you that way either.

Drugs
Death grip/weed induced ejaculation problems...
"Nice Guy" stories about himself on a loop.

You're already having to put his messages into archive so it doesn't mess with your head-on if ever there was a sign that this is not a relationship that is GOOD FOR YOU these are those signs!

I agree with a PP, you sound fab. He doesn't, for many reasons. Your self esteem will be crushed by the end of this relationship if you let it drag out any longer.

On to the next one.

The weird thing is, that when you raise your standards, good men come crawling out of the woodwork.

Totally agree with this! It's exactly what happened to me too.

Was on a plane and missed your update!

Good message.

Well done you. I think you sound fantastic Totally his loss.