I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

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Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

Where have posters got the idea that the OP is using? I have reread all her posts and can't find anything to indicate this.

Daily please consider the impact of how you say things on the OP. Perhaps she does need a wake up call but there are ways of saying it and telling her to 'grow up' isn't constructive. She's already said several times she's not smoking. I recognise her from previous threads and she's moving in the right direction to sever contact with him. Other posters have been a lot more helpful trying to support her to do that. If you can't help her, don't make things worse.

Oh op, I'm sorry you're learning the hard way that the only thing many addicts are capable of loving is not other humans, but drugs and alcohol. I'm not saying this is the case for all of them, but a sizable proportion and it certainly sounds the case with your H. I'd be packing a case for him and locking him out. Let him 'sort out this mess' which is of his making. You're still enabling his behaviour.

I agree you need to let your family and friends know.

And this is why the op name changed for this thread.

She doesn't want or need her past problems clouding this current situation.

Op, things have changed recently, and it's you that's changed them, that is awesome.

What you can't change though, is him, his behaviour, and choices, that's down to him.

He's not going to change is he? No time soon anyway, his behaviour this morning proves, that he's not actually sorry, just pissed off you can't all 'just get back to normal'

You can't make this shit your sons normal, chatting to dealers at the shop etc, it's fucked up, and your H doesn't care.

By hook or by crook, get a plan together to leave him, I bet you'd go from strength to strength.

Nickname- previous treads

Threads

Nickname, posters are recognising her from other threads under a different name, where she did admit to smoking weed with her DP, sometimes.

On this thread she mentions that she didn't join in with him, which also implies she might have done in the past.

She now says that she is not, which sounds like a a really big move forward for her.

Yes previous Vince. Ffs.

This is a child protection issue. Do you have social services involved? Presume you have a huge back story yourself that has resulted in your disordered parenting boundaries.

Please tell all your friends and family. You won't be letting them down. Failure to disclose will mean letting down a helpless three year old.

I'm not sure you have the luxury of working towards ending your relationship. You gave up that luxury when you became a parent. Right now your child needs protection today. This minute. Not once you feel ready in the vague future.

I wish you luck but please, act today.

This is so very sad. Poor little boy 😢

What an entirely predictable turn of events.

You were told that this is what would happen and that your DS would suffer by continuously being exposed to drug taking, aggression and put in danger by a completely incapable parent.

I'm glad you are starting to see it. You do need to get there a bit bloody quicker though before your DS is irreversibly harmed.

You need to love your DS more than you love your DP and yourself, and put him first.

Hey - I never brought up previous threads, other people did. However in some cases on mumsnet where you have posters posting the same story over and over, it's actually important to know that if the poster comes in with a name change because it can affect the advice given.

FFS, this sort of thread is exactly why I've taken a big MN break recently. I can't bear the thought of a poor little 3 year old having to endure this kind of lifestyle. FGS, just leave/chuck him out/whatever. You will never change him, only he can do that if he chooses to. that's the bottom line.
While he's an addict, you and DS will never, ever be his top priority. So stop making him yours.

What time is he due back today? Where is he?

"I promise"

Who does that statement remind you of ?

Posters have every right to name change whenever they like. But knowing the back story here is critical to the advice given.

You're not a pathetic waster, you're someone who's trying very hard to hold together the rapidly fraying edges of a life with an addict. You need to stop.

By covering for him you're enabling his behaviour, whilst it's great you can talk to in-laws they're clearly not going to do anything about the situation otherwise H would have had help for his issues a long time ago. Don't count on them for your support - it's time to be honest with your family and friends. After I left my abusive ex, there was a humongous weight lifted off my shoulders when I was finally able to open up to someone and have a conversation that wasn't covering for their behaviour.

I understand how difficult it can be to get out of the situation, you're making positive steps but I fear they're going to be too little too late. Time to stop allowing yourself to be a victim now, because you are - he is abusive, he is emotionally and psychologically abusing you right now. You've said he's buggered off again today in a mood, he's sure as hell not going to be going for a walk to clear his head is he? Today's 'anger' has been caused by you in his mind, who's to say tonight isn't the night he comes home and flips?

You need to start being open and honest, and asking for real help. PP's have talked about SS not taking a favourable view of partner's who hide one parents behaviours. On that basis alone I think it's time you get him out of the house. Where he goes is his problem. I know it hurts, he's your husband, but your love for your son and your urge to protect your son need to override urge to protect your husband here. H can look after himself and is choosing to pour vodka down his own neck, and I can assure you isn't thinking of you or your sweet DS when he is.

If I were you I would try and contact your landlord today and ask them if they mind you changing the locks, the re-secures the property for you and your little boy and is cheaper, and more permanent than a hotel for the night.

OP I know you are scared of the future with your DH, but you need to start changing your behavior and thinking.

You are at serious risk of losing your DS if you don't. Anyone who knows you and saw what happened yesterday could report you to SS. And if the feel you are unable to put your DS first and keep him safe from your DH behavior which at the moment it doesn't seem you can.

OP , if you don't want to leave your DH , you need to think about how to keep your DS safe . Could he go and live with your family, perhaps your parents or a sibling? Do you have anyone who would do this ?

Because once SS get involved , the first thing they will look for is to place him with his extended family . What about your ILs ? I wasn't clear from your post if they are drug users as well . If so , they will not be considered suitable .

You don't want him to end up in foster care .

Once your son is safe, , then you can concentrate on fixing your Dhs addiction. Of course you can't ever fix anyone else, but at least you can hang around for a few years hoping that he will change .

If your son is living with your family, I'm sure you will still be able to see him.

If your son is in foster care , then you will get regular access to him in the short and medium term. In the longer term , SS will need to consider if you ever want him back and if you don't, they will look for a permanent placement for him . This will probably be adoption, given that he's only 3.

This may seem harsh, but a three year old can't be expected to put his life on hold for the years in the hope that his mother may finally decide to leave his violent drug using father . Is had to be about the child's best interests .

Good luck whatever you decide

Congratulations on making the commitment to stop smoking/drinking. I imagine there has been a big shift in your life now that you are always sober. I get that seeing your relationship with your husband so differently now that you have had the help is hard to get your head around. You are doing well and you have already proved just how strong you are. You will find the strength to throw him out or leave. He is just like a drug right now and that's how I would treat him. It will get better.

The reason I think it's the op that should go if she can is because I don't think she's strong enough yet to keep him out. He has nowhere to go so will come back and I think the op is still at the point of feeling sorry for him.

Are there any family you can stay with, failing that I'd be calling women's aid and looking for emergency housing.

All the people saying just put him out, I'd normally agree. But she has gone through so much in recent months and really sounds to be making progress. Are you ready to call the police if he comes knocking at midnight? I know you are scared but I think it's time to call SS yourself. You need to do everything you can to protect your son, you have really made progress since the last thread I read.