I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

[HoldingPatternDone]

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

Once your son is safe, , then you can get on fixing your Dhs addiction. NO NO NO

This is the worst piece of advice on this thread. Kri1stina I get that you mean well but this is an adult man with adult choices. The only person, who is ops responsibility is her son. She does not need to fix anyone. Rescuing people never works. They need to want to help themselves for it to work.

If it was a choice between the two of them of course ds would be my choice every time. That's not even in question. It's no longer about not wanting to go because of loving dh. It's a fear of change. I can stay in an ok limbo for ages but not anymore. Dh goes, we stay.

Good fab op. We are here listening.

Great OP. Now you have to make a plan in how that happens. Firstly secure your home. Have you told him not to come home?

I wish some people could see the emotional and psychological effects of this type of behaviour on children when they are adults - I do and maybe then people wouldn't be willing to stay in these type of relationships when there are children involved. Often by the time people do leave its too late.

Yes, I told him this morning but I doubt he believes me. The woods just expanded a bit on the door, I can try to fix the inside lock.

Holding It's fantastic to hear that. MNer's have a wealth of experience to offer you if you need it. Where do you plan to start?

Remember OP that your son cannot choose he has to live by the choices you make. Don't be selfish, put your son and his well being and his right to live in safety before anything and anyone else and make the right choice.

Sorry x-post.

If you have some spare money (as in enough to put you up in a hotel for a night on a bank holiday), invest in in getting a locksmith to come out and secure your home. Have him change the locks so H's keys no longer work.

I'd deal with the door as a priority. Then pack a bag - enough for a week for him and try and leave it somewhere for him, preferably away from your home. Would his parents or a friend pick it up for him to collect from them?

That will give you a week to start figuring this all out.

Janecc

You missed my next sentence

Once your son is safe, then you can concentrate on fixing your Dhs addiction. Of course you can't ever fix anyone else, but at least you can hang around for a few years hoping that he will change

The OP needs to know that she has choices. She can choose between her husband and her child. It's her choice .

I know what I would do . I know what most people on this thread would do . But you need to accept that thousands of women in the UK choose to stay with violent addicts and lose their children .

Just asked for this thread to be moved to relationships. Aa

Don't know where the random AA came from.

Up until 6 months ago I was with someone similar. Once you break free you won't believe how free you feel. You'll have times when you feel bereft but overall your life will change for the better. And children absorb all this - time to get your 3 year old away before it becomes her / his normal too. Your partner won't suddenly improve - in fact mine cut down to virtually nothing but in my opinion was too late as seems to have cannabis induced psychosis (paranoia, aggression, delusions etc). You are obviously a loyal caring person - time to only give that loyalty and care to those who increase your life not decrease it. Good luck, hope you repost in 6 months and all changed!!!

Sis/Bro inlaw

Your love for your son needs to override your fear.

They're inlaws. His family

I agree with Phequers here, they're his family and well aware of his issues. Whilst they've provided a shoulder for you, they've provided no actual practical support have they? His family will have known about his issues for years and they've either not attempted to help him or have given up on trying,

Now it's time to be honest with your family, who are probably already aware that something is amiss but haven't wanted to intrude for fear of alienating you - us women are generally fiercely loyal towards our partners, especially when we're covering up the extent of their issues.

Do you have parents or siblings you could ask to come over? I think you're overdue a very difficult but honest conversation and some real family support. I think they'll be shocked at the extent of the issue, but certainly not shocked at the existence of one.