I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

[HoldingPatternDone]

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

Another for Maryz

Her posts on these topics are insightful and compassionate

Holding - stay strong. You and your son deserve so much more... Stability, predictability, happiness. You will never get these things whilst you are with DH.

Please stay strong

My father was an alcoholic. I love him so much but neither that, nor him being a grandad, wasn't enough to "fix" him. I spent days and days with him on the ward at the hospital whilst he detoxed, ds in pushchair, trying to support him. He left and within weeks was drinking again. When i went to see him, i never knew which "dad" would be waiting for me. The more he drank (over the years) the more he changed from the dad i had in my childhood to the confused and sad person he became. He put me through so much, not by choice, but because he was ill and wasn't ready to get better. He died 6 years ago and broke my heart, but i grieve for the person he used to be, not who he became, because that wasn't my dad. I am telling you this because i know how awful addiction is and i know how it feels to want to help someone when actually, they need to help themselves. You are not responsible for him.

You have the power to protect your son from the addict your husband is. Even if he seems OK today, how sure are you he will be OK tomorrow, or the day after, or when ever he is with your son when you're not there? Can you put your hand on your heart and know your DH would always put your son first? Because if not, you need to keep him out of your sons life, and yours.

You can do this

Stay strong.

I also wonder if you have an emotionally abusive relationship?? Look up the book "living with the dominator", you can get it on Amazon

Stay strong for yours and DS sake x

Daily, that's fine. You take your hard line and let others decide where their line is. Even if you have personally faced the choice of making a child homeless because of their drug use, it still doesn't give you the right to judge or question others in the tone you have used on this thread. Which, incidentally, is not about Maryz, but the OP.

MaryZ deserves many

I agree. I have a troubled child and I would do anything to take those troubles away from her. I haven't walked in MaryZ's shoes and I hope I never will, But I do understand what it is like being the parent of a troubled teenager.

Until you have lived through an experience , nobody can ever state what they would or wouldn't do.

And neither unless you have been through that experience , should you comment or judge somebody upon how they dealt with it themselves .

To do so is ignorant, short sighted and discompassionate .

To have a child with an addiction is the worst thing ever to happen to me.

Until it happens to you I don't think you could ever understand it or even imagine the heartbreak it causes.

I was addicted to heroin for over ten years.

Granted, I didn't live at home, and had no children at that point, nevertheless, my poor Mam went to hell and back with it all.

I love her deeply, but couldn't stop for her, some would say she enabled me at times, gave me money for food, which I promptly spent on drugs, or filled my fridge, leaving me the money I had for drugs. She didn't know what else to do though.

I've been clean almost ten years now, but only stopped with the culmination of circumstances both bad and good, being right for me .

It's not a case that he doesn't love you or ds more than drugs, he's just not ready.

He never will be while he's got you, his home, and his idea of normal.

Stay strong, for all of you, you must stay strong.

Before addiction touched my family (twice) I was as ignorant as some of the posters here have been. I looked on it as a 'moral failing', as 'self indulgence'. I was a pompous ignorant piece of shit.

I have been humbled into the dust by those that fight addiction and win, and those who battle with them, or have to leave them to battle alone. No one should judge another person's struggles. Fighting an addiction in one's child is miles different than having to save yourself and/or your children from a drug/alcohol addicted partner or other family member. I've had to do both. And they were equally hard and equally painful. But both choices were the right choices for me. My two LO are now clean and sober, almost a year later.

Holding you have chosen what you know to be the right thing to do for you and your DS and I applaud you.

For Maryz, coco, Bastard*, and everyone else who is fighting the good fight against this monster, I salute you.

Well done Holding, we all know it is not easy, but keep on keeping on.

And Maryz, a friend of mine has a teenage addict and I have seen with my own eyes that there are no simple solutions and how much a mother will do. Please continue to share, I always appreciate your posts.

My XH is an addict and was also violent to me.
I made the decision to divorce him the day my 18m DD sat watching him punch me and didn't bat an eyelid..
You have to keep him out OP, your DS will already think that all the aggression is normal.

I have worked with young children who have witnessed violence in the home.They can become so desensitized to seeing mum/ dad/ whoever being attacked and are either violent themselves, or in a state of hypervigilance, always waiting for shit to kick off. This leaves them unable to engage properly in their learning, their relationships with peers. Please do not wait any longer, or one day your son will be saying to someone like me, at the age of 5 'I got anger issues, I can't help it' or more heartbreakingly will be quiet with frozen watchfulness in a perpetual ' fight/flight' mode.
I know you don't want this.
And as other posters have said the SS have great concerns about any parent who lets this go on around a child.

HoldingPatternDone

I was on your last thread and challenged you a lot about your own drug and drink use.

This is the time to get real. To be brutally honest with yourself and your own family about what has and is going on so that it's out there, it's the truth, it's the END of this horror show.

While I applaud the turnaround in your head and I can see you becoming more resolute, I also still hear denial and self doubt.

You have spent years minimising and normalising his behaviour - believe me I know all about this.

But to actually say 'if it came to a choice between dh and ds it would be ds'. Well that took my breath away. You have have had that stark choice in front of you for years! You have not chosen your ds over your dh. Please see that as clearly as everyone else can and stick to your guns.

H is an adult and he is not your responsibility. Who cares if he 'gets it' or not, I have no doubt he will go from promising he will never, ever smoke/drink again, to calling you an unfit mother yourself, to threatening to take your son off you, to threatening to tell secrets about you, he will scoff and jeer at you for suggesting he even has a problem, that you are being dramatic, a drama queen, that you are just as bad, then that he loves you more than anyone ever will, you can't do this to your son. And on and on and on. And on. Put your figurative ear plugs in and STOP LISTENING TO HIS BULLSHIT.

Stay strong, stay resolute. He will not change, you have to leave him/get him out for good. Choose your son.

theysay and mumoseven he's never been physically violent towards me and I still absolutely believe he never would be. He's only been verbally aggressive if I've challenged or disagreed with him. It's not something he's used to at all so it scares him I think. Yesterday was the first time he shouted and swore at me in front of ds

Thanks welliguess I don't feel that strong this morning. I felt like I'd wake up and the last few days would have just been a bad dream.

Hi lemonade
I think I know who you are.
I'm scared shitless about telling my family about him never mind that I've been struggling too. I can't disappoint my parents. It will come in time.

Holding - sending you a massive hug . I wish you the very best (I wish you a new life! A life that can be so so much better than this!) l and I know you can do this x

You do need to tell your family as you need their support..all this cloak and dagger bollocks needs to stop. You sound very immature and childlike when talking about these aspects.
It's time to grow up and think of your little boy.

Agree with PPs that you have clearly NOT prioritised your DS in all this and are still not doing so, and for his sake need to do so urgently.

You are still defending your H. So what if he's not violent/or until now been verbally abusive? He's still an addict who's a shit parent and partner. The two of you are giving your DS a bad environment and role model for relationships. If your H wants to deal with his problems he could do so, alone.

so what if your parents are disappointed in you? if they will help you end the relationship and with practical stuff that's the most important thing.

"I'm scared shitless about telling my family about him never mind that I've been struggling too"

What's the worst that can happen?

I would feel terrible that DD had to put up with an abusive drug addict for a partner and she couldn't tell me. I would have failed in my duty as a parent if I couldn't help and support her.

You will be failing in your duty as a parent if you don't get this man out of your life for the sake of your son.

Yes there is the minimising again 'this is the first time he's been verbally abusive to me in front of the son'.

I'm going to go one step further from saying 'one time is too many times' and say you are lying.

It is NOT the first time he's been aggressive to you in front of your son and you fucking well know that.

You BOTH have a history of abusing booze and drugs and you know full well not only will you have had blazing rows before but also that you have probably forgotten some of them through a haze of inebriation.

That's what I meant upthread about NOW being the time to get real and be brutally honest. The hug is still being proffered by me, I want the best for you, but come on girl!!

I know, phequer it's so easy to forget but I can always take a look at our fridge and dishwasher to remind myself he hits inanimate objects!

No drink in the house. I don't think getting rid of his weed is a good idea as he'll want it back. I will not touch it. A bit of tramadol but I need those for bad periods. There was a small amount of coke but I think he had it on him and it doesn't interest me anyway.

duck I don't think I'm defending him. I'm just stating facts. He's not coming back to live with us.

Holding - you can do this. We are all rooting for you. Things for you and your son will be so much better, and you will both be happier.

To even be able to get to this point, you have shown you are strong, please don't doubt yourself. This must be so hard but you can do it.

Holding what's your plan?