I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

[HoldingPatternDone]

Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

Thankyou everyone for your input. I realise loads of you have dealt with addicts in your life and have found your own ways to deal with your own situations. The lock is fixed and we're staying put tonight.

Well done

You've done so well, just keep going! We are all behind you.

I'd be interested to know exactly what 'hard line' a parent of a troubled young teen would take. Unless you have been in that situation it's just not possible to appreciate the lack of solutions. It's not just about the drugs/drink they may be taking, they are a young person who we are trying to guide to adulthood.

I've been in Maryz's position myself and agree with her. Having a child going off the rails is in no way comparable to a partner/OH with these problems.

My own mother was/is a very 'hard line' sort of person and actually caused lifelong problems in all her children.

Would now be a good time to get the police and/or social services involved? I'm wondering if you might be able to get some help physically removing him from the flat and fixing the lock to keep him out. Some professional external help might be just what you need to help you keep your resolve about ending this once and for all. The future is much brighter for you and your son without this man dragging you down and you know that. Stay strong, you can do this.

Oh cross-posted, that''s good news Holding, you're sounding more and more confident that you can decide for yourself what to do.x

holding just checking in to say well done to you tonight and today- the door is locked, the toast is being eaten and you are most importantly finding support in real life so should it all flare up, you have support and resources and somewhere to go.

You are doing incredibly well.

I'm sure you feel very down about it all as well as victorious, it's hard to process all of this and you must be disappointed your hopes of a more stable life were shattered by yesterday's events, but at least now you can work up from the truth of the situation.

I think seeking help from your family as well- and perhaps AlAnon or any of the online/on the phone resources for the families of addicts might help you go forward.

You are being a proper lioness mother to your little one, hope it goes ok tonight and you get some rest.

It's a horrible situation you are in but you are doing the right thing. I discovered a few months ago that my " professional, pillar of society" dh was in fact a sex and crystal meth addict...his feet haven't touched the ground since the minute I found out

God forbid it was my ds, I would do everything I could to help him out of it

Keep strong and remember you are doing this for your ds

I don't want to go down that road unless I have to. He's sober today and sounds calm and rational on the phone. He got somewhere to stay and is there already.

That's addiction, you deal with a Jekyll and Hyde and you never know which one you are going to get

I do feel down and tired. But not tearful. I was in floods last night and a bit shakey when he was shouting at me this morning. He just sounds like his normal self on the phone now. It's confusing.

You must be exhausted. Remember the addict is manipulative, always think of him at his worst as that could be one your new normal

Holding You're making positive steps and you're going to feel down if you've spoken to him and he's normal. What you need to keep in mind is why you're doing this.

He's an addict unfortunately and too unpredictable to have around DS. Remember how he made you feel yesterday, last night and this morning. No matter how 'normal' he sounds now, you're doing this to be free of having to feel as shit as he's made you feel every single time he's put drink and drugs before you.

Keep up what you're doing

Stay strong. Don't let him talk you around.

He's going to tell you you are over reacting. And that is certainly not the case. Do not fall for his usual lies.

You CAN do this

I think this is all part of the cycle, of course your partner is normally nice and kind and rational, presumably you chose him for these reasons- unfortunately he is also a ticking timebomb who has out of control addiction problems. Both of these are him. I think it is really worth getting some further support from addiction specialists for you (family) to help you see that this is a normal pattern, but the worst thing you can do is fix on the 'nice' him again and imagine the 'addicted him' is gone. It isn't, he's aggressive and nasty to you, you need to keep safe and keep your child safe and that won't be living with an unpredictable addict who may go months and then lapse.

Not all addicts use every day or drink every day, and most are nice when they are not drinking/using- but unfortunately they won't or don't stop and all you can do is keep yourself and your son away from that.

I'm sure he sounds ok and reasonable now. He may even agree now that you shouldn't be around him when on drugs.
The problem is that when he is on drugs he becomes violent and unstable.

If you don't want that aggressive person around you or your DC, then you can't have the reasonable nice person either. It's tough, but unless he stopped using reliably for a long period, you shouldn't trust any of his promises. Even so the risk of relapse is too high.

I also suspect that he's quite worried that you've thrown him out, so he's thinking that he needs to be nice, rational, sorry and say all the right things, and you'll let him back in.

I suspect he won't be so nice and rational when you make it clear that the line in the sand is that he is an addict, needs to seek help himself, that you won't cover for him anymore, and will need to live separately while he sorts himself out (if indeed he does). In fact, I bet my bottom dollar he then goes on a drinking and drugs binge and blames you!

HoldingPatternDone a breakthrough for me was when I realised that the drunk / high / areshole version of my ex was the real him, just as much as the sober one.

Before that I allowed myself to minimise his behaviour because it wasn't the "real" him.

But one day the simple fact dawned on me that he's sober when he takes the first drink, and he knows what he's like drunk because god knows I've told him enough times. So it's not an excuse, it is just as much "him"when he's out of it as when he's sober.

Please don't let him wheedle his way in because he's acting "normal". This situation is not normal, and acting nice can be a tactic to make you change your behaviour, as it's far harder to stay mad at him when he's showing you his nice side.

Don't fall for it, it's a trap.

It isn't confusing for me at all ( but then I am not living it) he actually doesn't want anything to change..So will sober up and play the part until life returns to normal...Then he can continue on his merry way..

If you are in doubt think how he behaved in front of his own child yesterday...Think how acceptable he thinks his behaviour is..( I have lived with an addict)

I do advise any drug, drink or anything else you used previously to numb your pain get out the house now while you feel strong.

I don't trust him. I've been fairly gentle and unconfrontational on the phone so I know that's why. I'm currently receiving Drug and alcohol counseling and it's been a total eye opener.

MaryZ deserves many

The point is you don't need to accept it. However alcoholism is a disease many addicts cannot stop and cannot help themselves. I don't agree with peopel on here blaming him but I do agree the wife has no need to tolerate.

Legally he has a right to enter his own property so not always lawful to change locks of course. If things might go legal it would be a good idea to get some initial advice from a solicitor.

Yes maryz does from someone who has been in the same shoes xx
Walk a mile.....

Holding you cannot bend. He has to stay out....