I've just abandoned my very drunk/high dh in central London in favour of getting ds home

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Namechanged yet again as all this is so, so identifying. Dh has struggled with addictions and after a peaceful few months it came to a head today when we saw his family.

He was being aggressive to everyone and when our bus arrived he wouldn't get on so I've just taken myself and ds home. Now he won't answer his phone and I feel awful I've abandoned him but our son is only 3 and I've got to get him home. I can't help feeling so guilty and bad and am both dreading and wishing him home. What do I do?

They are the ones (well he is as he's married into the family like me) telling me not to put up with this shit and leave. They really are genuinely supportive.

His family have had their fair share of alcohol issues but both parents don't drink and are not drug users. I think his mum just got Used to him always having weed on him.

Op, I was in your situation years ago.

I was young when I had my son. My DP always drank a lot, as did I if I'm honest, but the birth of our son changed that for me.

My partner however, carried on. He'd always minimise his drinking, saying he wasn't an alcoholic as he worked and he didn't drink until the evening.

He did work sporadically, but would often lose his job due to his drinking. He would drink every night until he passed out and would wet himself.

If he was working, every Friday evening I'd wait for him to come home; knowing that if he didn't arrive by 6pm, then he'd be on another of his benders.

He would often disappear the whole weekend and I'd have no idea where he was.

He stole from me to buy drink. He stole from our son to buy drink.

I'd find empty bottles under my sons cot, down the side of the sofa, hidden down the back of the oven, in the attic, in the garden.

I spent my time walking on eggshells. Afraid of upsetting him when drunk for fear he'd punch walls, slam doors and shout and scream. My son witnessed this and was afraid.

He blamed his drinking on me- saying I nagged too much or that I made him unhappy.

I finally made him leave one day, when I'd woken him up as his work was ringing him asking where he was. He was so drunk, he was still incoherent at 11.30am.

He eventually got up and started punching walls and screaming abuse at me. I had my son in my arms who was screaming in terror. He was 2 years old.

I attempted to ring the police and he ripped the phone from the wall. Luckily the call must have gone through and the police arrived at my door and took him away.

He didn't bother seeing my son, instead, he chose to drink himself to oblivion and ended up in a homeless hostel where they attempted to support him to stop drinking. It didn't work.

When my son was 9 years old, I was told his father was dying. He was only 30 years old.

I got in contact with him again and he was trying not to drink. I agreed to let him see my son for weekly supervised visits on the provision that if he turned up drunk, I'd send him away.

He managed about 8 of these visits and then passed away aged 30.

My son doesn't remember any of the violence or abuse and doesn't remember his Dad as a drunk. He does know however that his Dad chose to drink rather than have a relationship with him.

You can't change an alcoholic. You can, however, improve your son's life by getting away from this man.

You are bringing your son up in an abusive environment. Get out now before too much damage is done.

My son is now 15 and is a happy, successful teen. Things would have been very different if I'd stayed with his Dad.

Sorry the post is so long. I just wanted to share my experience, in the hope it will help.

Phequers is bang on the money here. Your family will hold you accountable to your word, but right now that it what you need. You NEED people there to be able to hold you up when you're not able to do it for yourself.

Quitting partners who have a hold over you is like quitting a drug for yourself, it's fucking horrible, but you're making good steps. As everyone knows though, there's always relapses and this is one situation where you absolutely cannot afford to have that happen so putting some tough preventative measures in place is sensible - even if it feels like you're having to admit to a lot you don't want to.

Get your family round, you need them as much as they need to know you and DS are alright.

OP, I've realised who you are too. You had the thread with the grinder? He's a dick. Leave him.

OP you said this earlier today: "If it was a choice between the two of them of course ds would be my choice every time. That's not even in question." Well, it is a choice between your dh and your son and to be perfectly honest it has always been a choice between your dh and your son. Your son is 3 you have had several occasions in his short life when you could and should have chosen your ds over yourself and your dh and you have chosen yourself and your dh over your ds every time.

If you continue to choose your dh and yourself over your ds you may very well soon have the choice taken away from you.

Alternatively, you may stay under the radar of SS, things will carry on as they are and eventually your son will grow up and either become an addict like his dad and perpetuate the cycle or see you both for what you are and turn his back on you both and walk away.

What kind of future do you want for your son? A carbon copy of his dad with all his dad's addictions and issues? A future where he holds both his parents in contempt for the way they both failed him?

Not liking change is a poor excuse for subjecting a child to this destructive environment and it is a terrible reason to blight an innocent child's future in the way it will if you don't make the choices and changes you need to now.

Well said Maryz. I get upset that people view my DH as an enabler.
Im an ex drunk.

OP, your DH might not be actually physically violent towards you and your DS, but for your small DS to even witness that level of violence (punching the train wall to the point of becoming bloodspattered, fgs) is an abuse in itself. It's very scary for a child to see that! :(

I do hope you get him removed from your home. And that you realise this can NOT go on. Tell your family - they need to know, as do your friends. Explain that you've finally realised that your set up is not safe for your son (nor particularly for you) and that you need help in changing your situation to be without your DH until such time as he truly changes his ways.

"Most families of addicts are enablers. I know. I was one. "

I'm inclined to think that they are at the beginning, when they are in denial about the family member's addiction. Then when things get really bad they have had enough and start to exercise tough love. This was certainly the case for my lovely SIL.

Her husband no longer drinks, but the damage is done. He has alcohol induced dementia and only 20% of liver function. He is a shambling shell.

His family hate him and MIL (who has dementia) keeps saying that she wishes he would die. And quite honestly that would be the kindest thing for SIL, who is his carer and leads a horrible life cleaning up his shit (literally) all the time. She should have kicked him out years ago and not had all this aggro.

OP you said that your son would naturally be your choice every time. But you are not making that choice. You are compromising your sons safety and wellbeing, both physical and mental, long term. The impact of having been exposed to this kind of behaviours in his early days can be devastating. You can head that off now though. It is far easier to protect a child now than fix an adult later. I do know this is hard, but you need to act.

I dread seeing another thread like this in a few weeks or months, seeing it has got worse.

he came home and screamed and swore at you in front of you son. He is abusing both of you. Please. While he is out. Leave. Call someone from your side of things - family or friend - tell them the truth, and let them help you. Call the police and tell them everything.

"The impact of having been exposed to this kind of behaviours in his early days can be devastating. You can head that off now though. It is far easier to protect a child now than fix an adult later. I do know this is hard, but you need to act. "

I cannot reiterate this ^^ too strongly. One of DD's friends has had an urgent referral to CAMHS because of her very toxic early childhood.

People seriously underestimate the effect of this kind of background on young children.

Everything Mrsdevere said op do you want ss in your sons life on and off the child protection register weekly meetings about his dads behaviour you being judged for putting him over your son you sobbing about how hard you are trying because that is what could happen if you both fail your child

Oh dont get me wrong I dont think SS are a bad thing and maybe it would help but if the op could prevent harn on her son that would be better

Harm*

So sorry Holding I hope you realise now that the only reason why he was never violent to you was because you enabled his behaviour and helped him to think it was OK to be like this.

Now you are refusing to accept it as normal he will be more aggressive. First it was just to things because you were OK with it. Now he has been verbally aggressive with you because you have shown him you are not OK with it.

Please don't leave it till he is physically aggressive with you for detaching from his behaviour to leave. If he does, he may not be aware of how far he is going and not stop.

He's not committed to his recovery OP. If he was he wouldn't have carried on with the weed. It was inevitable this was going to happen. You really need to finish this.