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Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:12

He will not admit to someone else so soon anyway. He will want to protect her (if there is indeed someone else). He doesn't want to burst the bubble on his new life (if he is having one). It takes weeks for the full story to come out (if there is more to it that is)

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:15

He appears to not feel he is "in love" with you at the moment Garlic. If there were some love he would be concerned for your wellbeing and feelings. He has turned his feelings for you off it would seem. The best thing that could happen now is for him to leave and you both to have some time apart. A couple of weeks would be good with no contact. He hasn't had a chance to miss you and realise what is happening and the consequences etc.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 15:17

Yes it does certainly feel as if there is no feelings there anymore.

OP posts:
AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:17

I know you want to be back in your home because your parents appear unsympathetic but for him to see how he feels he needs to actually miss you.

Tiredmumno1 · 29/04/2016 15:21

Just finished reading both threads.

Garlic Flowers for you, it may not feel like it but you are doing really well, I am not going to offer any advice, as I think you, have had some pretty good advice of of others.

Just wanted to send a hand to hold. Try and be strong, you will get through this no matter what the outcome is.

NotQuiteJustYet · 29/04/2016 15:22

It's not all your fault though, absolutely not. You are not to blame for the lack of communication, you can't force H to talk about an issue you have no clue exists, you're not psychic!

You're working through identifying the issues that you've contributed to in the marriage and how these can be worked on, I would love to say that H is doing the same but I don't think he will be, it sounds like he has a tendency to bury his head in the sand and wait until things are at critical mass to explode act.

I'd be inclined to suggest to him that couples counselling is your request, he has requested space and time and you've given him it, the least he can do is honour your request now. If after counselling he is still of the same impression and doesn't want to fight for the marriage/admit some fault too then what happens happens.

Tiredmumno1 · 29/04/2016 15:22

off of - sorry Blush

hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2016 15:27

Yeah but he's not missing her.
He's annoyed that she is coming back to stay.
He has his friends all coming round for an afternoon/evening of drinking on Saturday.
He's shown no concern for Garlic at all.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:38

I don't think that he has been given "time". Time for him to think, to miss her, to realise what life would be like without her, to want to talk to her.......All of this requires time and space and is good for Garlic too. Its such early early days and he does need time. He said he does but I think that he should move out and get his time elsewhere if he doesn't want Garlic around. He cant have it both ways.

Goingtobeawesome · 29/04/2016 15:40

Garlic, I think you've behaved with dignity. I think you're in shock which may have stopped you getting angry with him. Please don't forget he isn't the boss of you and you do not have to,many should not, wait for him to decide what happens with your own life.

paddypants13 · 29/04/2016 15:41

Hi Garlic,

I've been lurking on this thread for a while.

I agree with PP that you are not to blame for this.

You accept that you can be head strong and determined and that this may have contributed towards his feelings of " being forced" into situations. You are willing to accept this and work on it though.

Having said that, he is an adult and should not have allowed himself to feel pushed into marriage or Ttc. He should have spoken to you sooner, especially given that you had noticed something was wrong.

I don't blame you for needing to get away that first night. You were in shock and not thinking clearly.

The way he has treated you since the split, not bothering to ask how you are, assuming you would just go away until he's decided what he wants etc is really cruel and you don't deserve it.

I won't offer any advice but I will say whether you reconcile or decide to split, you will be happy again. Flowers

Goingtobeawesome · 29/04/2016 15:42

Not many should not but , and should not...

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:44

When Garlic walked out he could have run after her if he wanted to but he didn't. He has locked down his feelings for her or has lost them for now. He doesn't want to talk and I don't really think Sunday will give Garlic the answers she requires either. He has told her already how he felt. That sex had lost all its fun etc. Its too soon and that's why I think that Garlic would be better off going no contact for a couple of weeks. It would also allow her to really see how she feels about everything. To stand back more and let feelings and thoughts come to the surface. To see that she would be ok on her own if she had to be and for him to actually miss her.

NotQuiteJustYet · 29/04/2016 15:46

I agree that he needs more time to miss what they have had but he needs to do this on his own time in a place he arranges. He's being unreasonable if he thought that she could just stay at her parents whilst he got to see what it would be like living the single life in the flat. He was more than happy to have her wait it out indefinitely, hanging on for his say so as to when it was okay to come home again, I'm glad she's taken that into her own hands.

So now if he wants more space, it's his turn to go stay with family or whatever but once the time is up he owes her a full explanation. Clearly communication isn't his strong suit so I think Garlic should be allowed a few of her own requests here too and should be allowed to put counselling on the table before a final decision is reached.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:49

I agree NotQuite that he is the one wanting space therefore he should find somewhere else to do it. It will do Garlics head in living with him every day and night and not being able to touch him, kiss him or chat like they used to. It will bloody hurt and will cause her much pain. If I were her I would ask him to find somewhere else to stay as them living together given the circumstances, is going to be a nightmare.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:51

Sorry Garlic not meaning to talk "about you" here.

Littlemisslovesspiders · 29/04/2016 15:52

If I were her I would ask him to find somewhere else to stay as them living together given the circumstances, is going to be a nightmare.

As pp have said though, he doesn't have to. He has as much 'right' to be there as Garlic.

Yes Garlic can ask. He can say no.

Rosyglow74 · 29/04/2016 15:52

Garlic, for your own sanity you really need to get a communication going. It is beyond cruel to treat you this way. How the hell is another 48 hours before he condescends to speak, going to change anything? If he really has been so unhappy for so long, then he will have an idea of what he now wants. He owes it to you to tell you. I have not mentioned OW, as it certainly isn't a given, but something/someone seems to be making him keep his options open.

You've been soul searching and finding ways to blame yourself, while he's been arranging boozy nights in your home, and now to add insult to injury, gone to bloody bed!

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:54

I know that Little. I have said as much and only suggested that Garlic ask him to stay elsewhere. They both own the property therefore of course they both are entitled to live there. But, as he is the one wanting space and doesn't want her around then it would be better for him to stay elsewhere for now.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:56

He has gone to bed to avoid talking to her. He doesn't want to talk to her. Its only going to get worse if she moves back unfortunately and it will be a horrible atmosphere to live in.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:58

He is not the man she married and fell in love with at the moment. That man is gone, for now or forever. Garlic you need to protect yourself and your feelings. Are you strong enough to live in the same house as him when he is so cold and unfeeling towards you and has nothing to say.

Scarydinosaurs · 29/04/2016 16:11

I really hope Sunday he gives proper answers. It seems cruel and pointless dragging this out.

NotQuiteJustYet · 29/04/2016 16:25

Little What I meant is that if H is still insisting on needing physical space away from Garlic then it's only right that H takes it upon himself to facilitate this. Garlic has given him almost a full week in their flat alone by this point before she has returned.

Of course he has a right to refuse to leave, but it doesn't sound like she's going to ask him to. Garlic has been discussing moving into the spare bedroom and even using an entirely separate bathroom so he can have emotional and, granted, somewhat limited physical space whilst they cohabit. If he finds that the amount of space he needs right now just so happens to be the exact shape and size of Garlic then it's down to him to arrange that.

Hushabyelullaby · 29/04/2016 17:29

i've been reading the thread since the beginning (your first one), and now this one. I have no words that will be of any help at all, I just want to say that you come across as brave and dignified OP. I hope everything goes the way you want on Sunday Flowers

NeighbourNeighbour · 29/04/2016 17:36

The problem here though is that we have no idea what would have happened if OP hadn't left on Monday night.

People are very much stating that he wanted space, that he wanted the OP to stay with her parents. But the reality is that OP was already staying with her parents at that point.

If the OP had stayed to talk things through they might be at a different place by now. We just don't know. But it's not fair to accuse him of being in the wrong when he wasn't the one who created the space. If he'd walked out after a five minute conversation people would have rightly said she should let him go and let him come back on her terms only.

Admitting that you have a part to play in the breakdown of a relationship doesn't equal taking full responsibility. Relationships aren't black and white, and most relationship breakdowns, even those which involve affairs, have some underlying stuff in the background which triggers something. That doesn't mean the woman is e.g. Responsible for the man having an affair - he is, but it does mean that the woman might recognise that there were things amiss on her side as well. For instance.

But too many posters here are rewriting history to project their own situations into the OP's world.