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Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
Daffolill · 29/04/2016 17:38

Did he know you had an appointment today? If so its really shit of him to treat you like this an hour before you go! I know how stressful appointments relating to ttc are and I could never be so cold to someone I loved knowing they were getting results today.

Friendlystories · 29/04/2016 17:59

Hope you got on ok at the doctors Garlic, your head must be fried with everything that's going on. Hope ur ok and can manage to relax a bit this evening Flowers

Iamdobby63 · 29/04/2016 18:27

The OP has repeatedly explained why she left on Monday night, she can't go back and change it so there is no point in going over it.

As for what is fair to her husband, I think it was Tues that he requested space so at that stage it wasn't clear how long she planned on staying at her parents and unless I missed something it was assumed by him that she would be the one to stay away and he did not offer to find somewhere else to get some space. So if it hasn't worked out at her parents then she has every right to go back home.

FantasticButtocks · 29/04/2016 18:39

It is incredible, after what he said to you, and after you going to your parents etc, that there doesn't seem to be any emotion at all between you when you unexpectedly met in your flat today. Are you both not very emotional people or something? Do you even love him? Does he know whether or not you love him? This 'awkwardness' between you, this lack of feeling, after all the drama and pain, between two people who've been married and living together, how did emotion not spill out? I'm afraid it's not looking good that neither of you is asking how the other is. Sad

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 29/04/2016 18:47

I agree Fantastic. I think it's really concerning the way things went.

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 29/04/2016 18:53

there doesn't seem to be any emotion at all between you when you unexpectedly met in your flat today.

I was just about to say the same thing!. Are you ok, OP?

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 19:26

After I left it really sunk in how detached he was.
I met with my brother and his fiancée. Turns out my husband did contact my brother and they did have a chat. Basically my husband said that he was unhappy, and my brother told him to grow a pair and man up.
I explained to them both the situation, as they had gotten a different story from my parents. So I think they are most understanding of the situation.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 19:27

I don't think he was aware I had an appointment today

OP posts:
DaveCamoron · 29/04/2016 19:32

I'm starting to think that it might be better if you separate, neither of you seem to want to fight for the marriage. I don't mean to sound harsh but that's the way I see it.

GarlicShake · 29/04/2016 19:33

Oh, garlic. It must be so painful to see the man you were/are in love with, and planning a family with, treating you like an irrelevant stranger or something Flowers

GarlicShake · 29/04/2016 19:36

Today I've been on a thread where people are fulminating about the uselessness and damage of "positive thinking" and "fighting cancer", etc.

It strikes me this "fighting for your marriage" is another of those things folks say without having a clue what they actually mean. In fact, I vividly remember asking my best friend, "Fight? Well, how do I fight for my marriage?" And she said, I don't know. Just fight Hmm

AnyFucker · 29/04/2016 19:39

I don't get what "fighting for your marriage" means either

Mostly to me it seems to involve compromising yourself, doing the Pick Me Dance, ignoring the fact the person who is meant to love you has treated you like yesterday's trash and generally making a complete mug of yourself

It's not in my vocabulary, that is for sure

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 19:41

Not sure why "positive thinking" is useless regarding anything. There are many ways of fighting for something. Fighting for your marriage can be done but you need the full story and facts first. Then its up to the individual how and if they want to fight to save it. Sometimes its not worth it but sometimes it is.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 29/04/2016 19:47

I know what it means but I'm not saying you should do it.

It means trying to forgive and intentionally make yourself vulnerable, talk things through, have physical intimacy, acknowledge where you were wrong, be kind when all you want to do is say 'you've blown it'.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 19:47

Well Sunday isn't far away now.
I'm willing to put all this week behind me to focus on sorting out the issues we have as long as that's what he wants too. If he is ready to commit to a 'work on it' stage then I'll be happy. But if he just accepts it's over just like that, with me having said that I'll work to fix it, then I'll be pretty disappointed and rejected again. It's just going to boil down to whether or not he still has any love for me left.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 29/04/2016 20:07

Why are you giving him all the power? This man has told you that he isn't happy being with you, surely it's time to think about what you want and deserve?

Haffdonga · 29/04/2016 20:21

Hope it's OK to butt in..

it sounds like you are pinning a lot on everything coming clear on Sunday (one way or another).

I think you need to prepare yourself for your dh either not being willing to talk or not being able to give you any answers on Sunday. He sounds so cruel cold and closed to you today that it seems hard to believe he'll suddenly be willing to thrash everything out in an honest and open way 2 days later.

Rosyglow74 · 29/04/2016 20:31

It never ceases to amaze me how some people giving opinions, have such ridiculous expectations. Again, this is a 25 year old who has had her life turned upside down, and is trying the best way she can to deal with it.....in the space of a few days! And this, despite a husband who is being deliberately obtuse. How the hell is she supposed to fight, when she doesn't have a clue what she's fighting for. The cowardly behaviour displayed by her husband in not elaborating on why he is so unhappy, is not giving her anything to work with. I'm surprised she is able to put one foot in front of the other right now. She deserves praise, not criticism.

SuperFlyHigh · 29/04/2016 20:35

I think to most of us there's normally a reason or two sides to every story. The worrying thing here is lack of emotion but also so far how op refused to talk but ran and now she wants to talk her DH doesn't. Seems a classic case to me of they've grown up and fallen in love but now DH for whatever reasons decides he wants out.

I met a man in his 40s just before Christmas who was married but eventually they broke up after trying for kids as he just wasn't happy 'being married' and felt they were more like friends or brother/sister. It's also the case lots of people now feel it's easier to leave marriages rather than stay in unhappy ones. Op can't deny her DP appears to have been unhappy (she's told us she's anxious and nags him re house decor). Maybe he's had enough of being supportive on top of ttc and quite rightly wonders if this is an ideal situation and relationship to bring a baby into this.

53rdAndBird · 29/04/2016 20:41

also so far how op refused to talk but ran

They did talk. He told her he wasn't happy in the marriage and regretted getting into it in the first place, they agreed to some time apart, she went to stay with her parents. What on earth else was she supposed to have done?

I think OP's getting a ridiculously hard time from some posters here Sad

Blackheart2016 · 29/04/2016 20:44

Hmm re the fighting for your marriage, I am looking at it from another angle.

I was in a stifling unhappy relationship which I found difficult to end and every time I tried, the guy said, I'm going to fight for you. I started a thread on here about it which gave me the courage to finally call it a day. His version of 'fighting' was not to listen to me and allow me to end it but to control me and not let me go. It got nasty and threatening in the end.

I know op is nothing like this guy but I do think if someone wants to go you let them.

53rdAndBird · 29/04/2016 20:47

I think you can only fight for a relationship if you're both trying to make it work, and fighting means lots of difficult-but-necessary conversations, couples therapy, etc. You can't fight the other person for the relationship.

Blackheart2016 · 29/04/2016 20:50

If he stays with you because you have 'fought' for your marriage, whatever form that takes, he will resent you for it at some stage.

It's a risk but I think the best chance you have of saving your marriage is to actually split up, see a solicitor about starting divorce proceedings and appear to be strong and move on as if you are starting a new life. It's the only way he will see what he is missing.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/04/2016 20:54

I understand where you're coming from in saying it's up to him. I don't think that's 'giving him power', it's just the truth. You've made it clear that you'd like to try to work things out and stay together. Now it's up to him to decide whether he wants that or not. That's not 'giving him power', you can't force him to make up his mind, he has to do it himself. The only 'power' you'd be giving him is if you were willing to grovel before him and do anything he asked of you in order to get him to stay, even if you felt it wasn't fair or equal. But you're pretty clear that you aren't willing to do that. The other 'power' you might unwittingly give him is a willingness to wait on tenterhooks 'forever' for him to make up his mind, giving up valuable time you could spend on yourself, recovering from this and moving ahead.

So the only things I'd suggest are that firstly, give yourself a mental timetable for him to make a decision. You don't have to tell him what it is, just that you know when it'll be time to make the decision to end things yourself. You don't want to waste your life. Secondly, that you do have some type of plan for yourself, for a future without him. It doesn't have to be set in stone, just a rough idea of finances, the flat, and what you'd like for yourself.

SuperFlyHigh · 29/04/2016 20:56

53 they didn't really talk so she says she left... After a brief chat.

If that were me I'd be thrashing things out til midnight and all this week trying to talk not running away and keeping in vague touch by text. But that's me. Not OP. She has let him call all the shots too. Apart from now.