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Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
Rosyglow74 · 29/04/2016 14:05

FFS....she didn't walk out! She reacted, in a knee jerk manner, to being told that her whole relationship from the age of nineteen, was a complete sham! She ran to her family for immediate comfort, she did not walk away from her marriage. She is a twenty five year old young woman, and her behaviour is perfectly understandable.

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 14:12

Just silence really. I'm watching TV shows I had recorded which he hates, and he's sitting here on the other sofa eating a toastie. Feels like a stand off.
I feel okay though. Nah don't think there's any rearranging of plans or anything.

In two minds whether to say something/ anything to him. He's clearly not going to talk so I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
NotQuiteJustYet · 29/04/2016 14:15

I'm with Rosy here, just to clarify it's not like Garlic has come home one day packed all of her stuff and left her bereft DH wondering where it all went wrong - then done a 180 and decided that she's going to come home.

H dropped the bombshell on her that he felt forced into marrying her, forced into TTC and basically their marriage is built on false foundations. He wanted space to figure out how he felt before they spoke and decided where to go from there?

How would you have had her react? Beg and plead for a conversation H clearly didn't want to have otherwise, lets face it, he would have raised the issues in the marriage sooner. Would you have had her stay and face the first couple of days when she was at the most delicate having H clearly ignore her? Which for anyone who has been through it, it is absolutely soul destroying.

Can you all lay off Garlic now? She's had a hell of a fortnight and is here for somewhere to vent/rationalise/open up in an anonymous manner. Just like I'm absolutely sure most of you would be if your world's had just collapsed and you were trying to figure out where you go from here, and weighing up ALL of your options.

loveyoutothemoon · 29/04/2016 14:16

I wouldn't bother bringing anything up. Make him wonder when you'e going again hee hee!

BabyMonkeyMummy · 29/04/2016 14:17

I'd just leave saying anything to him. It's down to him to initiate a conversation, after all you wouldn't want to be seen to be "pressuring" him!

What did you feel when you saw him? Anger? Love? Or did it just feel normal?

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 14:18

I didn't really feel anything. I felt awkward to see him when I didn't expect to. But I'm not upset or angry. I don't expect anything from him now.

OP posts:
WannaBe · 29/04/2016 14:23

It strikes me that people won't be happy until OP discovers that there is an OW.

These threads too have a script. OP: "my DH is Being distant,". Posters: "he's having an affair, they always are." OP: "hhe's agreed to talk,". Posters: no, he doesn't call the shots, anyway it's all lies, he's shagging someone else." It's like a pack of vultures waiting for the inevitable outcome.

Yes, sometimes there is a patern. However I imagine there are also many people who don't post here because the thread runs along a script too.

I have been one of those who has been critical of the OP's actions. And you know, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging that it takes two to make a relationship work, and that sometimes you have a part to play in causing unhappiness, and OP is starting to see that, and no, it doesn't sound as if she is putting all the blame on herself at all.

But posters don't want to hear that do they? If OP and her DH manage to actually talk, and work things out, how many of the posters willing there to be an OW will stay on this thread I wonder?

And I already said it once, but if this thread was reversed and the DH was a woman posting that she'd been unhappy and when her DH suggested they should talk had told him she was unhappy and his reaction was to pick up his already packed bag and go to his parents, posters would be telling her not to contact him. That he was refusing to acknowledge that he'd done anything wrong, and that she was doing amazingly by going to work and living her life. In fact she would be encouraged to have friends round to show him she didn't care. But no, because the woman has done the leaving, he's still the one at fault.

There has clearly been fault on both sides this week. OP for assuming the relationship is over and leaving without much discussion, and him for being less communicative. But OP is starting to acknowledge that now. This is her life not some script for a story where others need to be proved to be right.

toomanyeasterbunnies · 29/04/2016 14:23

I hope you don't have to wait too long until your appointment. My heart is pounding for you as the tension in the room must be awful. Your being so strong.

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 14:27

He's went to bed for a sleep. I'll be here for another 40mins or so.
Deep breaths. He obviously didn't feel happy to see me here either, it really is just strengthing the feeling I have that he's going to tell me it's all over and he doesn't want to try.

OP posts:
CoolforKittyCats · 29/04/2016 14:30

I agree wanabe

Iamdobby63 · 29/04/2016 14:33

Has he asked why you are not working this week?

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 14:35

He asked when he came in. Are you not at work?
I told him I had this week off. He didn't press for any more details than that.

OP posts:
GarlicShake · 29/04/2016 14:39

I don't see "assuming the relationship is over and leaving without much discussion" as a fault in this case, Wanna.

Person A : "I don't like being married to you, I never wanted it and it's making me unhappy. Leave me alone to consider my priorities."
Person B: "Well, tough shit. We're staying married and I'm sticking to your side like glue. Fuck your priorities."

Disrespectful, isn't it?

My view is that, when someone tells you they don't want to be with you, you take them at their word. Ignoring it really would be pushy & overbearing!

Plus, it's very very bad for a person's sense of worth/dignity to doggedly insist on a relationship with someone who's rejected them.

NotQuiteJustYet · 29/04/2016 14:40

I would say that if there had of been an OW this would have been the time H would have outed himself but I think you're right in trusting your instincts here, given H is being perfectly normal and hasn't panicked etc. I think so many of us have been burnt by cheating ex's that is comes very quickly to assume that this is the case.

I think you need to have an honest discussion with yourself Garlic, I know you've put a lot of thought and soul searching into this over the last few days but do you really want to be married to someone who isn't happy to see you? I hope you realise you're worth more than that. If he can't even be bothered to attempt a 'how are you? how have you been?' to the woman he has been with for 7 years, in my eyes, he is not worth the time and effort you are mentally preparing yourself to pour into saving this marriage.

If it goes that way he will be losing an absolute diamond of a woman who has proven herself to be very self-aware, able to take criticism, and happy to take this on board and work on herself for a greater good over the last couple of days - there's precious few of those around.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 14:42

Wannabe you have your opinion and others have theirs and that is perfectly ok and the way it should be. After all if we all said the same thing there would be not point.
A lot of us who have been through this mess can see what we feel is happening from our perspective.

Its good that Garlic is thinking about her part in the downfall of the relationship, I agree with you on that. People don't always just fall out of love, there is usually dissatisfaction first at needs not been met and it eats away gradually at the relationship and the feelings you have toward your partner. Unfortunately this also makes you very vulnerable to getting that feeling met from somewhere else. Someone who smiles at you or makes you feel amazing.
Its not usually planned, it just happens when there is problems in the relationship to begin with.
Of course no one wants this to be the case with Garlic and no one is wishing it be the case but for a lot of us who have seen it before and watched it unfold, it just has all the makings of there being someone else. I will be very surprised if there isn't someone that has turned her husbands head.

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 14:44

As I've always said, I'm prepared either way. If he continues to blame me solely for his deep unhappiness and doesn't seem ready to address any of his own issues, then I know which direction I'll be taking my life in.
I'm still hopeful for this conversation to improve the outlook of things. Time will tell.

OP posts:
NotQuiteJustYet · 29/04/2016 14:51

I'm glad that you're willing to make that decision for yourself Garlic should he not be prepared to take any responsibility or address his issues. The breakdown of this marriage is not solely on your shoulders and it's brilliant to see you standing firm on that when many would, and have, crumple and accept the other party's opinion that it is.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 14:53

I think the bottom line is whether he still feels himself in love with you enough to work on the relationship. If he still loves you then the relationship can be made stronger on both sides by talking and discovering what led to this moment. But if he doesn't feel "in love" with you then is there anything to be built upon.

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 14:55

If I accept this is my fault entirely, then I will crumple and I will be an absolute mess.

But it's not. I take blame for a lot of the issues, but had I known I would have tried to fix them before it got to this stage.

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 29/04/2016 14:58

How did he take it yesterday when you asked if there was someone else, shocked? Offended?

GarlicShake · 29/04/2016 15:05

Well, exactly, garlic. Until a fortnight ago he was all loved-up and cheerily ttc.

You didn't get much of a chance to find out if anything needed changing, did you?

And even when you asked repeatedly, he denied there was anything wrong between you.

I wish folks would lay off you! You deserve nothing but admiration for both honesty & dignity.

GarlicShake · 29/04/2016 15:07

  • Oh, yeah, and posters gave you a hard time for asking if he was unhappy with your marriage.

Now they (some of the same names, too) are giving it to you for not asking.

Go figure Wink

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 15:08

It was over text I asked him iam, he replied 'no there is no one else'.

When I asked him before whether things were OK, he said things were fine. I was going out of my mind with it all, I knew it wasn't fine.
I hope my parents do just recognise how hard this is for me. They need to see the seriousness of the situation and not just assume it's a 'tiff'.

OP posts:
AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 15:10

Its the "him blaming you" that shows he is just trying to justify why his feelings have changed and he wants out. If he wanted to sort things and repair then he would see that there were issues on both sides, but he doesn't.

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 15:12

Yes. Even seeing him today, no questions of how I am, not anything that would show any concern. I really feel he's not in love with me anymore.

OP posts:
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