Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 11:11

I'm going to drive back now. There's not going to be of interest to report. But I'll hang out in my own flat for a few hours before I head to my appointment.

OP posts:
Rosyglow74 · 29/04/2016 11:19

Whatever has happened previously Garlic, you are now showing a maturity that sadly your husband doesn't appear to be. I hope I'm wrong, but I have a sense of his "needing space" to actually mean that he just wants to sample the single life again, before finally confirming your marriage is over. This is fine provided he is also, like you, using this time to truly reflect on how you have both behaved in the marriage...not just you. For this reason, it would be best if you encourage him to give his thoughts first, before you jump in with all the things you believe that you have done wrong. Don't give him a stick to beat you with, until you actually know what you're being accused of. Once you feel that you are both singing from the same hymn sheet, then total honesty from both of you is the only way forward.

Please rein in your innate sense of immediacy, for your own sake. This is absolutely not a criticism, but it can totally overwhelm someone of a quieter nature, and cause them to withdraw.

TwoKettles · 29/04/2016 11:35

I've been lurking across both threads and am amazed at how passive your husband has been since this bombshell dropped. Some previous posters seem keen for you to respond, to fight somehow for your marriage, but fwiw I think you are doing the right thing. If you actively fight for your marriage and he doesn't, and you drift back into being together, I think you'll maybe have doubts about whether this is another thing he can think he was railroaded into. He's got to make some decisions too, it's a marriage, and decisions should be made by both of you. He's a grown-up ffs.
Hope you're safely back in your flat now, cuddled up with the dog, and you can find some peace.

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 12:15

I will be careful about what I do say. I will just be waiting until he's said what he has to say..
Well nothing to report. Being back reminds me how much I miss my flat though. Ill be glad to get in properly on Sunday.

OP posts:
AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 12:19

Duck I think the OP will find out that her DH also has someone else lined up. I have thought that from the beginning. All this soul searching is not a bad thing though as there are reasons he was not happy but if he has fallen for someone else then at the present time he will not want to try again.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 12:21

He knew you were going for your appointment today so he would have expected you to possibly go home. Did you check his Facebook /computer etc?

Friendlystories · 29/04/2016 12:23

I agree completely with what's being said here, he prompted this situation and, when you sit down to talk, the onus is on him to tell you why. He asked for space to think so he should have clarified things in his own mind enough to be able to verbalise his feelings, let him do so before you give him any of your own thoughts Garlic or you may indeed give him the stick to beat you with. Will be thinking about you on Sunday Flowers

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 12:36

SorryGarlic just seen you said you wouldn't snoop. Very noble of you but to look at his browsing history could have given you insight into his thoughts and feelings. Fair enough though that you didn't and are taking everything at face value. We are all totally shocked when we find out our DH actually are cheating though. It is the biggest shock of your life. Nothing can prepare you .

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 12:51

I don't have the password for his laptop. So even if I wanted to snoop I couldn't.
I don't know if he would remember I had this appointment today. So I don't think he'd be expecting me to be here.

OP posts:
AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 13:09

O ok. How did it feel being home? Is it what you want to do?

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 13:13

It's kind of like nothing has changed. I don't know if it's something I could do until I know where things stand with my husband.

OP posts:
Lordamighty · 29/04/2016 13:22

If someone wants to have some space from their marriage & partner then they should be the one to leave. Totally selfish to drop that kind of bombshell & expect the OP to stay with parents until he decides want he wants.

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 13:41

Did you mean that you don't know if you can do it?

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 13:51

Well this is awkward. My husband arrived home from work two hours early and walked in on me painting my nails in the living room.
Not said much, but he certainly looked startled to see me and asked whether this was me back in.

OP posts:
shoeaddict83 · 29/04/2016 13:53

hope your answer was yes!!!!

hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2016 13:53

Tell him YES it is... why???
See what he has to say about that!
Is he now frantically texting?

OrangesandLemonsNow · 29/04/2016 13:54

Totally selfish to drop that kind of bombshell & expect the OP to stay with parents until he decides want he wants.

He didn't she walked out.

DaveCamoron · 29/04/2016 13:58

Why are people so determined that there is someone else?

Rosyglow74 · 29/04/2016 13:59

Garlic, it's time for him to stop pissing you around. Please assert yourself and let him know that you will do what you want to do, when you want to do it, regarding being in your own home. If he finds that uncomfortable then it's up to him to find an alternative. This is emotionally abusive, thinking it's appropriate to just keep you hanging. C'mon sweetie, keep calm, but don't be sh*t upon.x.

garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 14:01

I told him I would be back for good on Sunday and didn't say anything else.
He asked to get an item of his from the car, I told him to go ahead. And that's been it. I'm chilling in the living room, he's making a toastie and in the bedrooms.

OP posts:
BabyMonkeyMummy · 29/04/2016 14:01

I'm actually glad he walked in and saw you there. I know it wasn't your intention but it would have made it clear to him that it's your flat too and you have every right to be there. After his messages yesterday it's clearly a reminder he needed.

hellsbellsmelons · 29/04/2016 14:02

I'm seriously hoping there isn't.
But experience tells us that this is 'the script'
He's following it to the letter right now.
We've seen it played out on here hundreds of times.
And many of us have experienced it in person.

There are the odd rare occasions when it's not OW.
And many on here have had that experience as well.
I think we are preparing Garlic for the revelation just in case but always in the hope it's not!

BabyMonkeyMummy · 29/04/2016 14:02

How do you feel seeing him?

NotQuiteJustYet · 29/04/2016 14:02

I hope you said yes too!

Have you spoken at all? Does he look like he might be re-arranging plans frantically, or just taken a half-day for the bank holiday weekend?

westhammummy · 29/04/2016 14:02

Oooh yes awkward....for him though-don't feel bad or anything for being there-it's your place to come and go as you please.keep strong.so he hasn't really spoken to you? it's really rude that he isn't at least being civil with you!

Swipe left for the next trending thread