Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Yes he did begin to point to the finger at me for this being the reason for this ending now. utter twat.

OP

Did you expect that telling your ex about the other man would end well? I suspect not.

I have followed your thread from the sidelines, and sympathise no end.

But... you've drawn a proper line under the split now, and fair do's. But don't blame him for you sleeping with someone else, or his reaction to the news. It was your choice. I think you engineered the situation somewhat, but needs must, I guess.

It had to end - your ex sounds like a plonker. Now tie up loose ends and move on.

Good luck

Just whatever you do, don't accept any blame for this. He split up with you and you were split up when you went out with the nice other man. You did nothing wrong.

I guess I knew telling him wouldn't end well. But at the same time, I couldn't move forwards in trying to fix it without telling him. i just really wish things ended in a different way. I think we both really knew that it was over already, without this being the thing to end it.

Well he can't move past it....He has seen this as 'cheating'

i think lots of us saw this coming - him looking for an excuse to blame you for the end of the marriage. THAT'S why he never gave you a definite answer - he had to make it look like it was all your doing so he can say "see....i told you she always did things what she wanted and never considered me".

If i had to predict his next move - he will be telling everyone that your marriage is over and YOU are to blame cos you 'cheated'.

i wouldn't be giving him that satisfaction. i think the best thing you can do is let everyone know WHY your marriage is over - his lack of commitment and love. Make sure those who know understand that the marriage was over weeks ago, that you tried the 'living as a separated couple under the same roof' but it wasn't working - hence why you both have been staying with family on/off.

don't let him 'off' because you feel sorry for him.

he's done this to you deliberately and that shows just how little he cares about you.

I think everyone he will tell has already heard a story about how awful I am. So I'm not concerned about that.
I'm aiming for things to go back to being civil just to make this easier on both of us.

Best thing to would be to cease cohabiting asap.

Of course he "can't get past it", he wanted to end it but didn't want to look like the bad guy - hence his spin on your relationship and negativity about you, about ttc, and so on.

We are living separately at the moment. He pops by now and again to take the dog walks and to collect some of his stuff.
I do have faith he had some regrets. Because things were working okay with us in terms of splitting up. He either got jealous with me going on a date or got scared with all the talk of selling the flat.

Well, I tend to think that most things happen for a reason. It may not have been the impetus for your weekend, but at least this has taken you past the point of no return. Now, you can move forwards with no regrets and no 'what ifs'.

Yes I suppose this now does give us both a clear line to draw under everything and now we can just focus on the future.

Garlic, time to let go completely lovely. He is fulfilling the classic "I don't really want you, but don't want anyone else to have you" From everything you have ever said, you have been the mover and shaker in this relationship, and he really can't handle it. He sounds so immature compared to you. He now has his "reason" for ending the marriage, albeit not the real one, that basically you are incompatible.

Get all your ducks in a row financially. Keep seeing the other guy - or other guys! - if that's what you want, and get out there and have the life you deserve.x.

He will probably give you the "hard done by" story now.... You moved on so fast, you were supposed to be on a "break. You didn't give him time.....
Don't be manipulated by him. He wanted out, he got what he wanted. He doesn't get to decide if you move on, or how fast.

I really do think you need someone of your intellectual stature, OP. You emotionally and intellectually mature, while unfortunately your ex is not very bright at all, from what I've read here.

Hi Garlic, I hope you are taking on board all of the comments, I'm not sure how long he felt he could string you along for. Re the other man, well it's not ideal but you didn't do anything wrong, your ex told you straight so in fact you were acting as a single person. Perhaps there was a part of you that knew that by sleeping with someone else it would draw a line under your marriage and end the uncertainties.

I hope these responses are giving you a little boost Garlic FWIW I agree, this man is not your equal intellectually or emotionally and, although I'm sure it doesn't feel like it now, I think you've had a lucky escape tbh. One day you will be in a relationship with someone who is your equal and you will realise how much you had undervalued and underestimated yourself in thinking you were content with this man. In short, you can do better

Thank you all. I have taken on board all these responses and I'm feeling so much better today than I did yesterday.
I really am tempted to see if this new guy would be up for some casual dating for a while, however I wouldn't blame him if he wanted to run for the hills after all this messing about!

Probably going against the majority here but if it helps you move on casually dating this new guy might be a good idea. Just don't get too involved, treat it as a bit of fun and get out with your friends, do thing for you. Take time of heal yourself after such crap time.

yay, enjoy yourself !

Thank you :)
We'll see how things turn out.

Just rock with Rick and it'll all work out!

Lol the new guy isn't called rick otherwise that would be perfect!