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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:

DontMindMe1 · 30/05/2016 22:46

he's messing you around. really - it only justoccurred to him it might be stress off ttc?!!! yea right!

janaus · 30/05/2016 23:46

He has no right to make you feel bad. You are separated at HIS choice.
You are free to date and do what you want. Please don't beat yourself up. You have done the right thing.

BeckyMcDonald · 30/05/2016 23:49

What a load of old bollocks. He doesn't care about you, he just doesn't want you to find someone who does care about you.

He's jealous. But jealousy doesn't not equal love. Go and live your life OP and find someone who doesn't need to try to love you. Find someone who is all in.

Alpies · 31/05/2016 01:55

To quote friends, you are/were on a break! This isn't about u sleeping with someone else. Don't let him digress. He has issues. Deep issues and frankly, you can't be the one who helps him sort it out. You need to look after yourself and he needs to figure out what he wants by himself or else he is only going to turn around and blame you for being pushy further down the line.

You have done nothing wrong. Be strong.
Don't let him drain your energy!

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 05:41

Funny how he only wants you when you're unobtainable

It's just so obvious isn't it. Even when unobtainable is Garlic showing him she is coping to the extent she can discuss practical arrangements re the flat etc.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 05:43

Becky, you reminded me of something my mum said to me once -

He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to want you either.

Hidingtonothing · 31/05/2016 06:50

There's a pattern here Garlic, he's repeated exactly what he's been doing throughout your relationship from what you've said. He dithers and avoids any sort of decisive action to the point where you can't stand the indecision anymore and feel forced to take matters into your own hands so you're not stuck in the horrible limbo he creates and then he makes you feel like the bad guy because you didn't wait (potentially forever!) for him to make his damn mind up. Honestly I think you and he are fundamentally incompatible, you seem mature and proactive, you have a pretty good idea what you want out of life and you try to move towards it. I think he would always hold you back, he sounds immature, indecisive and unmotivated and you would end up frustrated and resentful of his indecision if you stayed together. I think there's an element of him not wanting to make decisions because then he can be held accountable and responsible for them, he lacks commitment and the courage of his convictions and I think you need more than the half-arsed effort he's willing (or capable) of giving. This isn't your fuck up, he led you to believe that moving on with your life was what you should be doing so that's what you did. If he wanted you he should have pulled his finger out and given you something real and definite to hang around for. There's someone better out there for you, being with him would mean a lifetime of either waiting around for him to make decisions or worrying that you're bulldozing him because you have to make the decisions he can't/won't. It's totally unfair to keep changing his mind and moving the goalposts on you the way he is, you deserve someone fully committed to a relationship with you and I don't think he can offer you that. Sorry if that's harsh but he's jerked you around on the end of a string for weeks now, making you feel guilty when it's him who has caused all the upheaval and I think you deserve better.

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 31/05/2016 07:15

Thank you everyone. I think your reassurances are just what I needed to hear.
Prior to this weekend, I don't know if things could have been sorted out down to his behaviour and I need to remember that. I can't think that I was the one who ruined this, when it was already potentially fucked beyond repair. Yes, it was very quick of me to go away for a weekend with a man I just met, but I thought I was single and I never went out of my way to hurt my ex, or the new man. And I feel really pretty dreadful about this new man, but all I can do now is be honest with him about the situation, and he has been very understanding about it.

I think as a next step, I just stay completely unattached for a while whilst I sort out me and know fully what the next stage to this situation will be.

OP posts:

notonyurjellybellynelly · 31/05/2016 07:18

I honk staying unattached for a while is the best thing you can do for yourself right now.

mix56 · 31/05/2016 08:43

He dumped you, you moved on, he changed his mind, or didn't really, you moved on, he is hurt............
This is all about his incapability to make a decision & know his mind.
It is also about not being in love with you.
So now all the chips have fallen, you will look at him in the new light, & surely, not be able to put it all back together, whatever you do will be under his shadow, of possibly being too pushy, or living with frustration on his inertia... his changing his mind because you had a few dates? well there was always a possibility you would sleep with the guy, that 's what happens when you date........ He discarded you & now makes you feel guilty for moving on.............What a Tosser

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 31/05/2016 12:23

And yet again I am waitin for him to decide. I so wish I was strong enough and had moved on enough to just tell him to fuck off and take his indecisiveness away from me, but I can't. If there's a chance we can work together to make everything good in our relationship then I want to take that chance. I can't see him being able to get over me sleeping with someone else.

OP posts:

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 31/05/2016 12:24

Just feeling really shit.

OP posts:

ScrambledSmegs · 31/05/2016 12:33

I think if you make a decision about your future, you might feel better.

This is all about control, except you're not the one doing the controlling. He's doing it, with his indecision and 'oh, I might want to be with you, just let me see how I feel' antics. It's not fair for him to do that.

I think he's really being a selfish arsehole to you.

Suninseptember · 31/05/2016 13:20

If you allow him to dictate what happens next, you will be forever bending to his whims just to keep him happy.

You don't deserve that.

Hidingtonothing · 31/05/2016 13:24

What scrambled said ^^ I would be really trying to take an objective view of what your future would look like with this man Garlic. I fear you would live your life in limbo, constantly waiting for him to make major life decisions and afraid to push him in case he accuses you of controlling him. What if he can never commit to having a family for example, could you live with waiting around so long you miss your chance? I suspect he will feel he has you on the back foot now and will be even more likely to mess you around, what happened with the other man could easily become a stick to beat you with and he may well use it as an excuse to continue to keep you dangling.

Dozer · 31/05/2016 13:33

The ongoing debate about whether or not it's ending and "date night" with your ex all sounds like a really bad idea and was just yet more of the same from him - him STILL not being sure he wants you or able to explain why and being unwilling to go to counselling. Don't play the sodding "pick me" dance. If he really wanted/wants you that would be clear.

It was unwise to start dating so soon but you didn't cheat on your ex, and the new guy is a grown up and knew your situation so that's his lookout too. No guilt necessary. I suspect all this "how could you do this?" Bollocks is convenient way out for him, when he was the one who ended your relationship.

Please don't agree to become sole owner of the flat without full legal advice and reflecting on your finances.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/05/2016 13:44

He's playing with your head. He wants you to make the decision so he can jerk you around.

He wants the benefit of having you make the decisions for him but only if what you decide is what he's already decided but won't say out loud.

He's not a man. He's an immature, cowardly, limp dish rag. Too afraid to stand up an voice his own opinion.

Screw him. And as far as your weekend, you were on a break. Too bad he expected you to sit on your hiney until he deigned to return. He snoozes, he loses!

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 31/05/2016 14:36

Trying to just be strong enough to decide what I want. But what I want is 3 months ago. A husband that made me happy. Not having my head fucked with. All of those things are out with my control so I feel I can't make a decision to make me happy now, because it will be a second best happiness to that idea.
I sent him a message there and he told me he has done a lot of thinking. So hopefully we have a decision very soon.

OP posts:

SpringTown46 · 31/05/2016 15:07

Tell him you've done a lot of thinking too over the last three months. Just that.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 31/05/2016 15:17

Why would you want to be with someone who treats you so badly?

He has been horrible.

What has he actually accepted responsibility for? What is he proposing to change about himself to make sure he doesn't do this shit again?

You did not fuck up by sleeping with someone else. That is normal after a break up.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 31/05/2016 15:28

Just read the threads...I can't see how he had a leg to stand on having a problem with you moving on. When you hurt someone by rejecting them the way he's done, you don't get to also have them on standby in case you feel like turning back time. Likewise him having a problem would be absurd-having a problem with your partner sleeping with someone else is only applicable when they are your partner, which you and he were clearly not. If that's a deal breaker you were screwed as a couple anyway. Which you were, because he can't take responsibility and isn't mature enough to order his own life or put someone else's needs ahead of his own.

mix56 · 31/05/2016 16:00

Read & re read above last post.....
The guy thinks he rules the world....
He put you through misery with the break up..... don't you remember? going to talk it over with a "friend" & leaving you guessing, falling apart.....
maybe friend isn't playing ball?
As sad as it may be, even if he genuinely wanted to time warp back to being as before, He, & he alone, has opened your eyes to the differences between you.& now you sit & wait for him to deign you with the positive response, of "OK I will try & forgive you for not being faithful to me whilst I had ripped your hear out & then pissed on it".....
Please don't fall for this manipulation

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 31/05/2016 18:22

Well he can't move past it.
So there won't be any trying again. It really is all over now.

Just got to get back to my plan now. Forwards and upwards. All I can do.

You are all right. I shouldn't want somebody back who has treated me so badly. He has seen this as 'cheating', even when I insisted that I honestly believed this was all completely over. But even in our conversation today, he asked me whether I knew there was something missing from our marriage and yes, looking back on it now, there was. I asked him what he thought it was, he told me he didn't know, so it couldn't even then have been saved. Even without this 'deal-breaker', I think the chances of things working out were slim at best, so at least I have saved myself the added heartbreak and time. Just need to fight the whole 'regrets' and 'not-knowing' stage which is going alongside with it.

But I will be okay. I'm not okay today, but eventually I will be okay.

OP posts:

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 31/05/2016 19:27

It could only have been a deal-breaker because he is eternally incapable of accepting the consequences of his actions. It's a deal breaker that should (although perhaps it won't) give you closure, really. What a pathetic reason.

mix56 · 31/05/2016 20:16

That really is the cherry on the cake, what was "missing" was his gumption !
He wasn't putting in any dynamics, you were the engine, he was the wagon.

Don't take the blame, HE left the marriage
its very convenient though, he will point the finger & say you cheated.....

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