Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Sorry that some posters have chosen to put the boot in and blame you, garlic. Says more about them and their situations, than it does about you though.

You're doing really well - take the positive, discard the negative and Carry On (or, as we often say on this board - Keep On Keeping On - KOKO)

Good luck Garlic.
You'll get there, no doubt about it.
You've handled all of this brilliantly, and as others have pointed out, with great maturity.

Get your friends and family to rally round.
They will be the ones to get you through this.
I couldn't have done it without my RL support network.

YOU ARE AWESOME!
Always remember that!

I have often seen the tone turn a bit near the end of a long thread and the last couple of pages with posters bickering was completely unhelpful and unnecessary. You have probably got what you wanted from the thread. I wish you a lot of luck.

Best wishes garlic

Best of luck to you Garlic

I'm sorry that you've felt the need to step away but I can't say I blame you, having read both full threads, some of what has been said both to and about you is not only rude but crosses the line completely.

Just remember you're awesome, TeamGarlic is rooting for you and you will meet someone who knows how to love and appreciate a determined and driven woman in the future. Who the hell wants someone with no aspirations anyways?!

Here's to Garlic's future happiness!

I have read both of your threads .I have to say you come across as mature and level headed.And i really wish you all the best and the next couple of months be kind to yourself.

Good Luck Garlic.
You deserve someone so much better to spend the rest of your life with.

Stay strong X

Hope you're ok garlic X

Still thinking of you Garlic, was in a similar situation once and i'm so glad I found the courage to leave him behind and start again.

Hope you've had time to breathe and strategise and start looking at the future

Hi all.

I think I've been doing well the past few weeks. It's been a mixture of living together (which didn't work), him then living at his sisters and I staying in the flat (which works much better) and staying at parents for a couple nights (which has been pretty difficult).

There's been lots of ups and downs. He has been to solicitors, changed his offer for buying me out and looking at getting the mortgage changed. We have since had our flat valued by a surveyor and an estate agent.

And then we had a conversation about whether this is what we really want. He is still not sure what he wants, but he misses me. He is just confused. We discussed having a trial period to see how it goes with being back together, and have decided to go out on a date tomorrow night to see how we feel. I offered looking into and booking counselling, he asked me to not book any counselling to see how things go on our date tomorrow. He has also said he has thought about things (since yesterday when we last spoke in person) and has things he wants to discuss with me (so I hope this is things he has identified which made him unhappy and we can change).

I'm not certain we can move past this. But I am open to trying to sort it out before giving up completely. I feel like I'm back to square one again.

In our time apart, I signed up to online dating (yes, very quick. but I was looking for some distractions and some fun) and met a lovely guy who I went out with during the week. My ex was aware of this, and I think this has been the driving force behind seeing whether it can be sorted out. He got jealous? Not the most ideal reason behind him wanting me back, so I am going to be very cautious about this trial period and protect myself from getting too badly hurt again. So that's my update. It's not the most ideal, up until yesterday I had a plan and I was starting to enjoy the best parts of single life.
In my head, I have a time frame for this trial period for next friday, which is when my ex gets his decision about whether he will be able to buy me out the flat. So until then, I'll see how this goes.

Good luck Garlic. I bet that has caught him off-guard you going online. Hope the date night goes well.

All the best Garlic xx

Yes all the best to you Garlic. Look after yourself

A wee bit dog in the manger, isn't he? Oh well, maybe it was the shock he needed to realize what he was so willing to throw away.

I hope date night goes well. But if these 'things he wants to discuss' turn out to be all about you without him acknowledging his own faults, remember that you are NOT solely responsible for the breakdown of your marriage. He is just as responsible, actually more so.

And do not agree to anything financial (or otherwise) that he may suggest. Remember the phrase "I'll have to think about that and let you know".

Hi Garlic, glad to know you have been doing ok. I hope date night goes well and that he has finally worked it out.

I have been pressing him for identifying what he feels went wrong. He has went back on a lot of the things he originally said that caused this all.

We have had plenty financial conversations over the past few weeks. I had all but signed off on accepting his original offer, however when I realised how much of a poor offer that was for me, I have told him that now if the decision is that he buys me out, then I will not agree to anything without legal advice of my own.

Whatever the outcome, I will be okay. I'm looking after myself first and foremost, and although he is the one with all the cards at the moment, I need to know whether he is going to stand up and make the decisions, one way or another. If he doesn't, then I know that he is going to forever be unhappy as I will inevitably be making all the decisions again as I can't read his mind and magically know what he wants.

You're doing very well Garlic. Let's hope he gives you some answers tonight that you deserve and hopefully no more messing you around.

I would let him lead the discussion tonight and if it ends up purely being 'date night' then that's ok so long as you are not left hanging on for too long.

And yes don't agree to anything without legal advice.

I fucked up.

So basically on this date, same old thing happened. I talked, tried to get him to talk with me, he didn't have anything to say. We left the restaurant, got a taxi together, I was texting my friend who was out and she invited me out to join her so I then pulled the taxi over, gave my ex the fare and left to go meet her.
My ex texted me when I left the taxi, saying that he wanted to talk more at home, I replied that I think everything has been said, and he said that he supposed it had. So to me, we were over. Nothing had changed.

I go meet my friend, have some drinks. I then text the guy I seen during the week, and asked if he would take me with him on a weekend away he was going on and he agreed. He picked me up and we left. I did then have a lovely weekend, we slept together.

I returned today, and to text messages from my ex asking for a conversation. I agreed and he came over, basically telling me how he was ready now to make things right, he was sorry, he wanted it to work, he had been to the doctors and thinks it was down to TTC stress... I told him I had to think about things.

I feel really truly awful! I went by this evening after thinking about everything for a couple hours and then told my ex what I had done this weekend, and I understand how I don't think he'll be able to get over it. He was so upset. I can't explain how fucking stupid I have been, I thought it was over, but I feel really awful, like I have cheated on him. And this poor guy that I went away with, he's been so nice and although he knows the full story (I've tried to be as honest) I feel like I have been messing him about and using him.

So my ex is thinking about whether this is something he can get over, and I know deep down it isn't. I love him so much, and even though things were already so messed up that I don't know if we could have fixed them, I've just made the situation 100x worse!

I feel so bloody awful. There's still no way I can make things right again

There's still no way I can make things right again sad

I think you'll be happy in the end that you didn't make things right. You're being led a right merry dance and it's not on.

Up until last week, before he starting telling me about the doubts he was having with splitting up, I think I was doing well and I was confident that I was going to be happy again. I just hate feeling the way I am feeling right now, it's like I'm back at the beginning of all this again.

Funny how he only wants you when you're unobtainable.

Don't let this be about whether or not he can forgive you.

Just the worst timing!
He knew about the date I went on last week, but he did not know I went away for the weekend and then slept with him.