Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Garlic, I'm so sorry.

I think you are wise to step away, I would as well. If you need us we are here, please don't struggle alone.

I wish you all the best.

You are doing very well Garlic. Good luck and stay strong. Onwards and upwards.

'I feel controlled' is very different to 'you are controlling'

I completely understand why you want to distance yourself from this thread - it gets to a point where it's not helpful anymore and that's good that you've realised that if it's the case for you. Don't shut yourself off from talking though - confide in your friends and let them help you through this. If you do feel the need to post or vent then of course come back here and do so, but only if you find it helpful. You have no obligation to update or let us know how you are. Of course we will hope you're doing well and wish you the best of luck with getting through this difficult situation - given how you've handled it so far I have no doubt that you'll be absolutely fine! Take care Garlic.x

All the best, Garlic.

Don't take any of the negative comments to heart. You've obviously been posting for some moral support, and sometimes I think that gets forgotten. I don't think fault-finding is the way to go when someone just wants to vent. Yes there are two sides to each story, but this is your thread not his.

Good for you garlic and good luck.

For what it's worth my ExH called me controlling as an excuse for him taking any responsibility then when this was explored in counselling he talked about how he was attracted to me initially because I was a 'do-er'. Funny that. I ended up doing everything, and he lapped it up for years - then blamed me for his lack of achieving anything.

You are responsible for you garlic and you alone. Don't waste too much time working out where his head is at - you may never know. I believe you have behaved with dignity and respect throughout a very difficult and shocking time, continue like that if you can through the coming inevitable ups and downs and I think you will certainly come out the other side smiling. Best of luck, here's to a new chapter

At twenty five years of age, you put a lot of posters to shame Garlic.x.

Most threads end up with some very judgemental posters which is a shame . The anonymity of the Internet makes it easy to be " blunt ".
If you were my daughter I would be proud of how you've handled this.
If he was my son id be a bit ashamed of him.

Well I for one, admire you, Garlic and wish you all the best

I also wanted to say I think you are ace Garlic.

If you were my daughter i would also be proud.

I think you have shamed a few people on here, looking to pick holes, with your maturity. 25!

Best of luck if you don't come back.

At twenty five years of age, you put a lot of posters to shame Garlic

Yes, this.

I'm truly sorry you've been hurt by strangers trying to prove something (god knows what) and you're right to pull away from this now.

It often happens on threads here that some people like to pounce on any admission of weakness, or even a suggestion of it, to try & turn an OP's request for listening support into a character assassination. Their instinct seems always to blame the afflicted. Of course nobody can have an honest conversation about relationships without admitting their own weaknesses. It's a damn shame some people can't help seizing on those and using them against the OP.

Stay safe, garlic, and take good care of yourself.

Thanks all!
I'll do okay. It's not going to be easy, but I'm strong and I got my friends and family to help me along

Good luck garlic. I understand what you mean. You don't set out to be controlled by you are just very focused about what you want. Your husband does have some responsibility to call you out on this sometimes it he's not happy on these decisions. This is just part of your personality and at the end of the day you are what you are. I wish you well for the future. 💐

Good luck garlic. For what it's worth, I don't think you come across as controlling and even if your H felt controlled then maybe he should look in a mirror and see that he did nothing to change or improve the situation until it was too late!

Oh and I would have told him to wash his hands too - filthy bugger

Good luck garlic for what it's worth I think some space away from this board (you can PM people if you like) is best.

Otherwise you have lots of people's views and opinions going round and round in your head, i do think some sort of therapy may be good just so you feel better about yourself, you may not feel you need or want this though.

I'm also pleased you're going away soon with is it brother's fiancée for weekend soon? Great and try to arrange more nice stuff and fun things to look forward to even if it's just meeting a mate for coffee. Don't discount the Bridget jones diary all by myself drunken nights too!

Take care and look after yourself.

dilys it is mad here isn't it some people pouncing on OP about her maturity?! As if that has anything to do with anything?!

I agree the ones banging on about her maturity need to step away from the keyboard, no harm in saying see it from the DH point of view but no need to attack an already emotionally battered and bruised OP. No need at all and those who have done that should be ashamed of themselves.

Garlic in sorry you're distancing yourself from
Posting and I'm
Hoping you got some support.

I often think these boards are great and can be a great support but other times I feel there are a number of head cases who over analysis and as you said twist people's words. Opinions are one thing but trying to analysis your life when they have limited details is mental. Personally I'd keep posting and ignore these posts but can see why you have been hurt by them.

I've said it before but I think you've handled things amazingly and you are a very strong woman. From what you've said over the past week and how you've come across you're going to be fine and you will find happiness and someone who truly deserves you.

Take care darling X

Take car Garlic I hope you have done RL support and come out of the other side of this, you have so much ahead of you you're only 25! You've done amazing just stay strong

Way to go posters above, bloody insensitive nasty people.

Good luck OP. You don't sound in the least controlling to me, just not into being made ill from his literally shitty germs.

I think you will very soon begin to feel better off without the whiny one. Try to get out of there as fsst as you can though garlic. You won't really get over this and move on until you don't have to see his face everyday.

Good luck Garlic.
Wishing you the best!
x

Garlic I get it. You haven't controlled him or forced him into things.

But you might say shall we get new curtains, or go visit Sarah, or holiday in Spain. He says yes. No debate, no other thought or suggestions. So you 'get your way'.

This later is twisted into you controlling him rather than you driving life. Which is no bad thing!

I've had a husband like this myself. Luckily we are working through it after he was diagnosed with depression. His fear and anxiety of doing anything made him not want to. But he wanted me to be happy so he agreed, then lashed out through his fear. Meds have helped, and he enjoys life again. Now he suggests stuff to me as well.

Take care. I know that you know the truth. You are stronger than you think and ready for your future on your terms.

Concentrate on YOU.

You're going to be ok, Garlic. Stay strong.

And please don't take anything on MN to heart unless it's helpful . Remember, the only things we know about you and your dh are what you tell us in writing here. The rest of the picture in our heads is drawn from our imagination and own experiences. We see only a tiny tiny little snippet of your complex and whole real life and make up the rest for ourselves.

So, if for example, you mention in passing that your dh has accused you of being controlling, some people will take that as a clue to what might have caused this sudden collapse in your relationship and start looking for evidence that you ARE controlling whether the evidence is there or not. If instead, you'd chosen to mention that your H complained you were uncaring (not saying you are BTW) then the same people would using your weird poo comment as evidence that you are heartless and cold despite the very obvious evidence in what you write that you're not. It's so easy to put 2 and 2 together and make whatever number you think of when reading MN. Just ignore us. You're doing fine.

Dear Garlic. Good luck for the future. You know you probably won't get the answers you are, understandably, looking for but you will be fine. Don't fret too much about the practicalities of divorce. Get some proper legal advice in the first instance. That may be all the contact you need with the legal profession in this regard. If you and your H can agree on a split of the house proceeds, that will probably be that, and after a year of separation you can go for a consent DIY divorce. You will probably never see further into the court than the Sheriff Clerk's office to lodge your papers and you won't need to explain anything about why the marriage ended. Look after yourself.

Good luck, I think you have been amazing and your not going to look back at this time and cringe that's for sure!

MN can be a double edged blade sometimes. On the whole I think it's a supportive place but it's hard to ignore some posts.

Don't sell yourself short, not for anything or any man. Your so young. Life is before you so make it the life you deserve