Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

FWIW, I wonder if he hasn't told his family about their split. Or he has, and his mum knows stuff he doesn't want getting back to his wife.

Or Prehaps he doesn't want his family involved.

I don't know if his parents can make decisions or not but I do know his mother, according to her son, has difficulty turning down lunch. Not sure why he thinks the OP should control the relationship between the two Mums.

Garlicshake it was not without warning. He had voiced his feelings on the relationship being difficult and lacking in fun and spontaneity but the OP didn't take this onboard as she felt it was better to keep going to have a happy little family. He talked but Garlic continued anyway. He was unhappy with her constant moods.

Often the warning signs are there but not listened too it taken seriously until something snaps.

Moaning about lack of fun and spontaneity is not the same as saying I don't love you and want to stop trying for a baby. She is not a mind reader.

Always are you Garlics husband? Come on reveal yourself....

Tell me why don't you wash your hands after a big poo? And how long exactly do you need to think something through over beers with your mates while you leave someone in deep pain waiting?

She didn't need to be a mind reader. He said it. He told her how he felt. Said the words to her Landobby.

Allways, but he didn't though, not really. The two things are not the same.

So many posts bashing a man who has fallen out of love and given his reasons. He wanted a couple of weeks to think, have some space which is normal considering the enormity of the decision he was considering. From everything Garlic has said there were visible and tangible signs that he also voiced about being unhappy on the path they were on. Garlic said she felt it best to continue to get the end result of a baby. No reading between the lines. This is what Garlic has said. They wanted different things and he did voice his concerns. He has chosen to finish the marriage before it gets any further down the fertility road. Maybe he will feel different about it all in a couple of months but for now he wants out.

That is how I have read what Garlic said on her first thread Landobby . If I have read it wrong then fine but it is there in her thread.

I do wish Garlic well and she is very young and will find someone who appreciates her and her brilliant organisational skills. It is sad and heartbreaking for her but the only way to get through it is to go through it. No one is to blame just two people who now want different things and whom both have different views on their past relationship. Given time he may want to try again but Garlic may not want him back as he is not the man she thought he was.

He had voiced his feelings on the relationship being difficult and lacking in fun and spontaneity but the OP didn't take this onboard

This is what she said: "We had in depth chats about it before, and he told me that he felt I was putting on too much pressure for things, e.g. it wasn't just fun sex. So I actively tried to tone it down"

Which still doesn't explain a man getting married against his will. That, to me, is totally spineless.

Yes my understanding of the thread was that his unhappiness appeared about a week before they separated and was based around the lack of spontaneity as they had been trying for a baby - no indication that he had completely fallen out of love with her.

All this in a week.

My mood is quiet and withdrawn, which I know he doesn't like. But it's how I deal with things until I'm ready to open up

Garlic has also said this. ^

Maybe he fid in the past try to talk about it but wasn't listened to.

*did

I don't think my moods have been terrible. My mood is quiet and withdrawn, which I know he doesn't like. But it's how I deal with things until I'm ready to open up. I haven't been moaning at him, or shouting.

The whole quote.

It doesn't change the quote.

OP doesn't think her moods are terrible. Her DH may see it differently.

My FIL doesn't think his moods are bad. They are.

You can't talk to someone who withdraws and refuses to talk until they are ready.

If the OP was telling him last night to wash his hands then it does sound as if she has been treating him like a child.

OP herself did say that she has a way of getting her own way. It is possible that a marriage can end and there be fault on both sides, it's not mandatory to tell someone they've done nothing wrong even if they have a part to play in the breakdown of their marriage.

OP said herself her H doesn't like the fact she becomes withdrawn until she's ready to talk, but it's almost an expectation that he should have to expect it. My ex was very reactive, I.e. He would say something in the heat of the moment which could be hurtful or derogatory for instance, and then once he'd had time to think it through he would revise his position. But by then it was too late and the heat-of-the-moment words had already been said. He would then explain it away by saying that I should know by now what he's like. Yet that didn't IMO give him permission to be like that...

OP said she is withdrawn until she is ready to talk and he should accept that. Yet when he wasn't ready to talk OP didn't want to accept that and felt she deserved an explanation now even though she had in fact already written off the marriage....

Garlic, seriously. You asked him if he'd washed his hands after going to the loo?

Apparently it was a justified question because he hadn't! What 33 year old doesn't know to wash his hands after doing a "weird poo".

I'm amused by the "weird poo" - what makes a poo weird? And why did he feel the need to tell her about it!

It is possible that a marriage can end and there be fault on both sides, it's not mandatory to tell someone they've done nothing wrong even if they have a part to play in the breakdown of their marriage.

Completely agree.

No but it puts the quote in context and expands on it.

I think when you fill out divorce papers you do need to give reasons, been a long time for me. So yes it is a requirement to a point, but in my opinion it's only fair to the person you are leaving and will help them move on.

Re the hand washing, don't really care, kind of thought that Garlic was a bit pissed at him at the time.

Sometimes people get cold feet at "crunch time". Moving in together with a LT partner she'd thought she was happy with once brought a friend of mine out, literally, in cold sweats! And she ended it. My ex freaked out after talk of marriage: some weeks after ending it in a way similar to OP's man, but disappearing to live elsewhere, he wrote to me at length about how stressful he'd found the break up!

That was pre MN, and I naively wondered if perhaps if it was so hurtful he'd want me back, but a friend read his letter, was about his self absorption and correctly surmised he had an OW already! He mentioned in the letter that this person "understood". He later freaked out again when they got engaged.

Perhaps for your one it was ttc. Very stupid of him to ttc if feeling very unsure of his feelings about your relationship, but it does happen sadly.

Hi all,

Just a quick update from me. I started posting on here because I really didn't know how to deal with the situation. I got an amazing amount of support which has been so valuable and helped me pull myself together and get me through the week.

I appreciate the positive comments, and I did take things from the critical ones too, I saw that I wasn't completely blameless. But some of the comments over the past couple days have been incredibly hurtful, and totally untrue. My words are being twisted to make a past situation which is then completely untrue. This is my life, and I feel I have tried to be completely honest about what has happened, past and present, but I can't cope with the comments looking too deep into things and then turning it on me to make out it is my fault my husband hates me and is leaving.

At the end of the day, it is over. I suppose it doesn't matter why and who's fault it is. I'm trying to find a way to deal with it the best way I can, and I feel like I need closure, which some posters have rightly pointed out that I am likely not to get. But needing closure is nothing to do with being controlling. I take great offence to that, as to me, someone controlling in a relationship is an abuser. I don't feel I have controlled my husband, but I think he has let it get too easy for me to have things my way. Trivial things, but still things that he has grown to resent me for and it's not things I can't take back or fix.

Thank you to all who have spent their time to reply to the threads, especially the posters who have been considerate to the situation I have found myself in and not been too judgemental. I'm going to try to distance myself from this now, so I can try to deal with all the emotions I am feeling, without getting confused by too much conflicting advise and questioning every past situation in my marriage.

I don't feel I have controlled my husband, but I think he has let it get too easy for me to have things my way

I think this is something you need to explore more.

They are contradicting terms.

And to clear up any confusion, the 'weird poo' was diarrhoea. I thought he was being sick. In my mind, all the more reason why someone needs to wash their hands.