Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Garlic, seriously. You asked him if he'd washed his hands after going to the loo?

Is there any chance at all that you are controlling?

I think your mum is being very unhelpful seeking to meet his mum: interfering and inappropriate IMO

My thought too.

I don't know about controlling but she has admitted on this thread that she bulldozes through things.

Asking if he'd washed his hands is weird regardless.

And yes, your mum needs to back off.

Nothing useful to add but just wanted to say I read your first thread when "it" first happened and just read the second.

I think you are pretty damn fantastic and I am sure as hell that you will not only survive but look back in a few years and thank him for letting you go.

You are too good for him.

I'm guessing he has previous for not washing his hands after the .. Lazy sod you really have had to wipe his arse! I don't think it's unreasonable request to ask him to do this especially if he is known for it... You may have put up with it while you were married but you certainly don't need to put up with it now seeing as you are going to be sharing a space he needs to respect mutual hygiene... weird he doesn't automatically do this.

He sounds like a right waste of space, and I'd say start getting out of there sooner rather than later. Personally I'd say speak to your parents again, you sound like money wise you're on a tight budget so I would ask them for help to go with you to a solicitor and support you in person and if necessary if they can help you out financial while this is all sorted and if you can pay them back monthly with what you can afford- they can only say no or yes but you have enough on your plate and money worries will make this much more stressful.. I expect ppl will disagree with this but if you were my daughter/sister I'd be happy to help you while you got rid of this wet lettuce and I'm sure your parents are wanting to help you to , they sound like good ppl even if a litte too eager to help / bordering on interfering emotionally wise but that's for his mum to say to back off from her side and maybe you can express to your mum the childish way they have asked you to pass on the message and explain that it seems they just want to cut ties so she has to accept this and leave it to you to just speak to him... If he will actually talk

I understand wanting to stand on your own feet but we all need help at times and there really is no shame in asking for it when you're in a crisis

I think your conversation about his mum and washing his hand did sound a bit controlling.

You are both adults in an adult relationship it's not really for your mum to get involved with his mum to find out what's going on. I can understand why his mum feels very uncomfortable. She's supporting her son and probably doesn't feel like she has to justify his feeling to her. Equally your mum should just be supporting you.

His family are capable of making up their own minds if they've known you for six years, I would think they are not getting in touch because they want to stay out of it as he's clearly made up his mind.

Asking him to wash his hands is a bit like treating him like a child. Maybe that's what he is getting at when he says you've changed him? Despite what people are saying on his thread his feelings are just as valid as yours. I think you're not really listening if you are looking for answers. If you just want to hammer him to prove you're not in the wrong then you won't get to the bottom of what happened. I understand you feel rejected so it's a natural response to go on the defensive.

I think the current living arrangement isn't good for either of you to be honest.

Completely agree snoring

It's hurtful, but not unusual or surprising that his family haven't been in touch with you: he will be their priority.

Talking to him about your disappointment and hurt about this, or defending your Mum's (unhelpful) actions to him will unfortunately just further confirm his likely opinion that your family is interfering and that you enable this. Not that his opinion now matters much I guess!

Him saying you changed him is a cop out I think. You could say that about a lot of things but as people you introduce others to new ideas in life and if they like them they take them on themselves - that's not you changing them!

I asked if he washed his hands as he most certainly did not run a tap. He used the main bathroom, and it is adjoining my bedroom where I was at the time. I heard the 'weird poo' (however TMI, thought he was being sick) as he did not even close the bathroom door fully (yes, boundaries are not yet clear between us), and then heard him flush and leave. At the time I asked him if he washed his hands, he was touching the wall in my bedroom with his hand. I'm not having his weird poo germs all over my personal space, surely that's just basic person hygiene and manners?!

I'm not saying that my mum asking to meet hers is completely fine. When my mum said that she was going to ask her to lunch (which she does from time to time) I said that it would be awkward, but at the same time, should I be the one dictating this to my mum? My mum does treat his mum as a friend, and I'm sure she is after a bit more information to all of this, up until last week she thought we were in a great relationship and knew all about our fertility struggles, so she is still utterly bewildered, and I assume she feels there's something more to it which I haven't told her. If his mum decides that it is too uncomfortable to maintain a relationship with my mum, then I feel she needs to say this to her, and failing that, her son should then be discussing this with her. Not for his mum to speak to her son, for him to speak to me, to tell me to speak to my mum. I have enough on my plate!

For the most part, we are generally just ignoring each other. I stayed out later after work, and came home, showered, seen to the dog and was chilling in my bedroom when he approached me. Maybe he will start to get sick of the questions and just start ignoring me too, and then we can live separately but in the same flat, or he might want to leave to go to his sisters if he finds it too awkward.

It's pretty grim to have a shit and not wash one's hands, especially if the poo was 'weird', and I think I would - particularly in this situation - lash out a bit in frustration (about everything) when he starts feeling ill at the suggestion of a tough discussion and then disappears for what he calls a 'weird poo' after which he doesn't even wash his hands.

(My H also used to have 'health issues' that were basically a diversion. At one point (during his affair) he apparently had sleep apnea (self diagnosed and then mysteriously went away) and lots of weird poos).

It was probably a mistake for OP to mention that she told him to wash his hands on here but I get it. I also thought , but then thought about it in the context of what's been going on. And let's face it, not washing your hands after having a shit IS grim.

On the day I threw my H out he had just told DC he was leaving because he 'kissed another lady' . Seriously. And as he sat there staring into space with a 'sad face' afterwards, he was picking the dry skin on his feet and tossing it on the floor. I loathed him at that point and and the last thing I said before he silently packed a bag was 'and stop picking your FUCKING feet all over the floor!' I'm sure this was seen as very controlling by him but it was kind of the cherry on the cake.

Ignore people saying you are controlling OP. He is a grown man. He could have left ages ago. If you have friends it's unlikely you have a 'controlling' personality. Such a tiresome word as well.

I agree Snoring. Garlic the way you have behaved after his talk with you originally showed that yes, you are a headstrong controlling person. Your opinion on his "weird poo" and telling him to wash his hands is controlling too. To be fair we only have your side of the story but from all you have said I can understand a bit how he feels that he was controlled. I think you are controlling. Sorry.

If you have friends it's unlikely you have a 'controlling' personality

Ridiculous thing to say. My exH was very controlling. He had many friends.

There are things in relationships that will be more important to one partner than it is to the other, there are things that my DH asks me to do that I wouldn't bother doing or find important to do if I were on my own but I do them because they are important to him and I'd call that compromise not controlling .. It works the other way around if something is important to me he respects it even if he might think it's daft... Like washing your hands after you go to the toilet if he didn't do this ( he does.. Because he is an adult) but if he didn't I'd ask him to ... I call it mutual respect so I understand where you are coming from OP and even more so at this tense time small irritations are bound to come up.

Alright, so 'controlling' people can have friends, but what I meant really was, do OP's friends know she has a controlling personality and is it something that people have levelled at her before?

It's a very strong word, IMO. A lot more than simply bossy or assertive.

So what does her H (and posters who have decided she IS indeed 'controlling') mean in this particular context? That OP controls what other people do? What, their every move? And they just do it? And they don't tell the controller to fuck off?

I get that people who are in EA/PA relationships where they are trapped, emotionally, and can't leave for whatever reason, can feel like they are in someone else's overall control (I was in one of those myself) but if she was a controlling twat who told him what to do on a daily basis he could have binned her years ago. What reason did he have to stay together if he was unhappy? None. Suddenly it emerges she has been controlling his every move for years. Really? Doesn't sound like he has mentioned it before.

And apart from the hand washing comment I don't get how the rest of her conduct has been controlling.

Argh, the word does my head in.

OP I understand that you have concerns about his personal hygiene if he doesn't wash his hands - but that's his choice, not yours.
Your choice is whether to live with it or not. He can behave in any way he chooses in his own home, just as you can - being considerate and compromising isn't obligatory even in house shares.
And you're under no obligation to engage in conversation with him. If he appeals to you to solve his mums problem then disengage - not your issue.

Finally, you have to find a way to stop caring about what he thinks of you, or your family. His opinions are irrelevant - he has demonstrated that he's not the kind of person whose opinions you value, so dismiss them.

I agree with the majority of recent posts. You have shown that you are controlling which will be exhausting to live with. I don't think it's relevant whether your friends think you to be controlling or not as we are different people in different social settings. And I think for you to even convey that back suggests that you know, albeit, you might minimise it, that you can be controlling ( "see, I told you I wasn't controlling, such and such-a-body said!" this looks like you're trying to convince yourself).

You need to completely detach from him. You have no right to comment on his personal hygiene or his standard of living, you are merely flat mates now. As pp's have said, if it doesn't meet your standards, move out.

And I also think it would be for you to address your mum to stay out of it, you're not the only one "with a lot on their plate", your husband is also going through a break up and doesn't need your mum interfering with his mum. You need to grow up.

Ok thank you. I won't comment on his person hygiene (or lack off) and I'll just wash my hands more to compensate.
I am trying to back off and detach from things.

He will play the victim to his family and they will believe him. It's very easy to throw words out like 'controlling' to justify why he's walking away from a marriage.

He wanted this you didn't.

Keep reminding him of that. He's walking away, he doesn't want to try.

If anything he owes your family an apology for wasting their time and money on a wedding that he claims he didn't want to go through with.

Offside: I think OP has ever right to comment on the no hand washing! It's basic hygiene and she's living in the flat!

To be fair even if you are controlling you should start reminding him what he is; a liar, a coward, time waster, shit husband etc etc

OP I think it's fair enough to expect him not to spread germs around your house. I also can't see any other "controlling" behaviour here, except for a man who is so passive that you have no option but to make the decisions yourself.

No brightside - the OP has no more right to comment on her DHs personal hygiene than he does the right to comment on any aspect of her life.

They are adults. He can live as he chooses.

If he wants to share a home with others, (whoever they are; spouse, friend or lodger) and not piss them off, then he will consider their feelings and comfort when conducting himself. But if he doesn't, then those he shares with cannot demand that he changes. All they can do is choose not to share with him.

Of course, if he becomes a lodger in someone else's house and he doesn't consider them, then he may be asked to leave. But that isn't the case here. The OP and her H are equal owners of the home they are both living in. And each have the right to live as they wish - even if that is at the expense of the comfort and happiness of the other.