Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

garlic sorry I haven't been posting here (very busy etc!) but have been reading this.

I really really think and especially after tonight you should try to make plans to live separately as this won't work long term yet alone short time.

You're asking questions of him that he clearly wants to avoid and asking other questions of him re his family which although reasonable I think will eventually blow up for you.

I think you will quite reasonably be sniping at him, wanting answers which he won't readily give and you know he's given up and for whatever reason (use man child as one perhaps?) he thinks you changed him, controlled him etc.

For what it's worth I personally feel he is using the "change" and "control" by you to justify his behaviour now... It's all too easy to accuse someone else of making you do something but it does take two to tango.

Anyway, i just feel, with what you know now, this will only prolong the agony for you now living together.

I am pleased you're back at work which sounds as if it proactively engages your life and is one of your reasons to get up in the morning eg to go to work!

I do ask this, apart from the dog what other stuff do you like doing? Was it all about you and your husband before?

Anyway you're doing great so far and really coping well even now, it's not the physical stuff etc though it's by being alone that you can scream, shout, invite your own mates over and berate your ex etc... It's all the emotional stuff and if you do wait until one of you moves out which could be ages, you'll just bottle it up or minimise it until then.

garlicshake I actually think the DH here isn't malleable at all (or goes along with stuff to keep the peace) I think him deflecting and saying about control and she forced him to do stuff is very much deflecting the blame onto her... And minimising his own part to play.

Rather I'd prefer if I were OP (not putting words into her mouth) that he'd say yes, sorry, I made a mistake etc.... too young to get married, the IVF Scared me etc. but of course as he's a man, and not mature enough to admit "hey yes I was wrong to get involved etc" it's was easier to put a Guilt trip on OP and absolve myself of all wrongdoing! Which he is doing exactly that!

I agree with you, SuperFly. My guess is it's more about ego than anything else. And the net result, ironically, is manipulation (control)!

Ps OP I think if your friends don't Mind that's what you need right now, lovely caring family environments who won't be involved like your own family is etc and who will support you whatever you want to do.

An example - friend of mine was with a Boyfriend, wanted kids and to settle down but found it hard to conceive. So she went out, drank a lot etc. one of our mutual friends hated her boyfriend don't know why, but this turned friend trying to conceive away from the mutual friend and into arms of another friend who was trying in a relationship but also had a DD and was very supportive and loving and not all about drinking Etc like her other friend was. The TTC friend just wanted support. FFW a few years, TTC friend is with her boyfriend they had a baby son a year ago and are happy as Larry. So the support of the family friendly friend worked wonders.

I'll also add in that it's not necessarily a good idea to ask questions about where it all went wrong, because you won't get the truth. You'll get something that your H has decided is how it must have been, because he's checked out of the relationship. Most men, when they've done this, rewrite history to justify their behaviour and decision - it makes them feel less guilty (a very uncomfortable feeling).

So it becomes almost pointless trying to get information out of them, as it won't be real - it's just their re-written version of events.

In the end, as one counsellor said to me, the only actual reason why he's splitting up with you is that he just doesn't love you enough. And you're worth more than that.

Garlicshake god yes, control and manipulation, hence why I suggested OP move out.

A man who controls and manipulates though slyness (like this one) is the worst if anything even more so than a man who gets violent in a way because at least if someone hits then leaves they don't play with your mind like this one does. That is what fucked me up anyway mind games and emotional control and blackmail. So glad I'm off out of that!

I really just need him to back up the statements he is saying.
I actually had a friend today in work cry for me, because she was in so much disbelief. She was processing my timesheet, when I was asking whether I put through the compassionate leave properly, and asked whether I lost someone. I told her that yes, I support I had, because my husband was leaving me. I added that he felt I controlled him, forced into marriage blah blah blah, and she was in so much shock. Afterwards she said about how there must be a completely different me if he thinks I am controlling as she sees nothing of that 'me' in work. I know people act differently in different places, but it made me feel better knowing that it isn't how people see me. I feel like I have been questioning my entire identity! I don't know who I am!

I suppose I had
My typos are shocking throughout this thread and the previous one. I should pay more attention!

Yes yes yes Thumbwitch 100% agree with you. Before long he'll have OP believing his tales of woe and taking his side and blaming herself when it's if anything mutual blame often (in this case he comes off worse though).

garlic OP do you think you could get away? Like for 2 weeks on holiday? It would if you could afford it do you the world of good.

In the end, as one counsellor said to me, the only actual reason why he's splitting up with you is that he just doesn't love you enough. And you're worth more than that
I love this! Thank you.

In response to the posters about making this as short term as possible. I couldn't agree more. I am trying to stand on my own two feet and be as independent as possible, but at the same time I need to be realistic about how I can best go about this. If living here is unbearable, then I weigh up my options again to see how I get on. I can't rush to try and get out though when I won't be able to move forward in my life. I'm determined to try to not take a massive leap backwards, so I might just need to put up with this for a little while to help prevent that.

super two weeks on holiday isn't going to be at all achievable. My brothers fiance is taking me away next weekend though, with the dog. She has to attend a conference a couple hours away and has asked me to accompany her to her families caravan. I'm looking forward to that

When he next asks you to intervene in arrangements made by other people, for themselves please tell him to grow up.

Your mother, his mother - they are both adults and can make their own decisions! If HE doesn't like it, tell him to go and run to his mummy to beg and plead, not you. Idiot.

And actually, I'd be curious to know exactly what it is he's worried that his mother might say, because his reaction isn't quite right. There's something a bit 'off' about it.

I actually think by asking him for the specific example, it is helping me. Because if he can't come up with anything, that is the proof that he's talking out his arse. If there are situations, I may remember them differently, but I'm not sure until I ask. I can't be labelled as 'controlling' without understanding wtf he means by this! Especially if this is what he is telling other people!

garlic - I totally understand about feeling the need for him to back up his statements, but he won't be able to, because his statements aren't really real.

I got told I was unliveable with. Nice, huh? I believed it for a while. Such is the power these idiots have over us when we're in an emotionally vulnerable position and still love them more than they love us. What he meant was "I don't want to live with you any more". But he couldn't say that, because it made it HIS fault - so it had to be made to be MY fault instead.

It's quite hard, because you feel the need for closure - but the more you push him for rational reasons, the more ridiculous his excuses will become. And if you internalise any of his shit-spinning, it will make you feel far worse about yourself than you need to.

tatty I think his fear is that my mum will hound his mum for answers. It's possible she has taken a very back seat stand on things, as she hasn't been in contact with me and maybe she wishes to remain out of things like that, she is a quite shy, reserved lady who avoids confrontation. But why she had to discuss this with him, for him to discuss this with me, for me to discuss this with my mum is beyond me. I have since sent her a text explaining that I'm sure there are no malicious intentions and if she wishes me to pass onto my mum that she no longer wishes to be friends with her/have any contact then I will do this. I hope by putting it like that she sees how silly it is.

You didn't seriously ask him if he had washed his hands did you? haha. Yep, you sound like his Mother not his Wife.

There is a very odd dynamic going on here. Why on earth would he describe his "weird poo" to the woman he claims he doesn't want to be in a relationship with? And why on earth are you asking a grown man whether he washed his hands like he was a child?

I don't think this sharing the flat thing is going to work unless you can really really stop engaging with all this stuff. You shouldn't have texted his mum either. He doesn't want to be "controlled"? Well, he'll have to grow up then, and deal with his own shit (literally).

You have enough on your plate at the moment. Your mum's conversations with others aren't your responsibility. It's up to her who she contacts, and you shouldn't be blamed if your husband doesn't like her speaking to his mum.

I don't find that episode as odd as others do! Weird poos have definitely been discussed in my flat-shares, possibly in all them (I didn't keep a poo diary ...) as has hand-washing when there's a possible tummy bug around. Although I'd bet this particular 'bug' was psychosomatic.

I agree you don't need to be managing your mum's friendships, garlic, even as a favour. And, well, it's very early days yet with the sharing-but-separate arrangement. There's not really any knowing how it'll shake down, and you're right to keep in mind that you'll need to knock it on the head if it gives you too many problems. I think you're doing really well at the moment.

You need to step back for your own sanity garlic. Trying to dig to the root of his problems is not going to do you any good. You will analyse his pathetic answers until the cows come home and it won't get you anywhere. He has decided for reasons best known to himself that he wants out, please don't beg him for anything.

Telling you about his poo WTAF (as a matter of interest did he use your ensuite? I am asking for a reason not because I am some sort of poo fanatic) and you asking about handwashing. Well that's unusual

Try to think of him now as a houseshare mate. Polite and keep a distance, both emotional and physical. If he wants to chat and knocks on your door again don't let him into your space. Walk to the kitchen or wherever and let him whine there so you can leave and go back to your own private space on your own.

Weird Poo? Sounds like a good name for a punk band.

I think you can expect more 'weird poos', fainting fits, headaches, and hangnails if you continue to try and make him justify his accusations. Good way to get out of an uncomfortable discussion, as any 5 year old will tell you! He knows the truth but he certainly isn't going to admit to you that 'it's him, not you'. Oh no, we can't have him being the villain in this whole piece, can we?

Personally, I think you do know that this isn't your 'fault'. I understand wanting him to try to justify himself (and fail), but in the end you must believe in yourself. None of us is perfect. Sometimes any of us can be 'bossy'. But when we are a mature partner would pull us up on it right then, in a kind or humorous manner. And it's a long way from occasional 'bossiness' to 'controlling'.

As far as the mother/mother thing, don't let him trap you into being 'controlling' (in his eyes) with your own mother (although I think your text to his was perfect). If another issue like this arises, tell him you cannot control your family members and that his family will need to 'person up' (to be gender neutral) and handling things themselves. And that includes him!

I think it's time to back away slowly now. He's said enough. You know yourself well enough. Look to the future, not the past.

fainting fits, headaches, and hangnails -

Hangnails are a given, as is sucking his thumb while adopting the foetal position.

Wired Poo is also a good name for a punk band and, on present showing, it wouldn't take much to electrify the toilet seat in his loo shock his little cotton socks off, garlic.

I wrote a response at c11.30 last night, I know I clicked on 'post message' but as it seems to have got lost somewhere in the ether I'll try the back button to see if I can retrieve it.

I don't think getting into discussions with him about it all is going to help. Avoidance and sticking to essential practicalities alone might work better.

Not your doing, but I think your mum is being very unhelpful seeking to meet his mum: interfering and inappropriate IMO. You asked them not to contact him and she's contacted his family. Unless they are longstanding friends independently of your marriage (a one off spa trip with you doesn't suggest this).