Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

I wouldn't advise you to give chapter and verse to people at work. Not yet anyway. Give yourself time to process it all, then you can tell in your own good time.

Why not speak in confidence with your line manager and keep it simple, something like "DH and I are going through a rough patch, I'd rather not talk about it, so if you can ask people not to ask personal questions at the moment, it will help a lot. I need to focus on my job and appreciate everyone's support so
I can stay calm and professional "

That way you don't have to say you're splitting up and it keeps people off your case.

It'll be better once you've done the first day, like you've said. Remember that you don't need to say anything you don't want too. You can avoid questions or say you'd rather not talk about it, or you can say you've split for now if you'd like the support and it'll help make it feel real for you.

Please don't feel shame, though. You've got nothing to be ashamed of, at all.

It will be hard living together. It'll be easier for him at the moment because he already knows how he feels and if he stopped loving you some time ago, he's not fighting that emotion anymore. You are, so you both need to be mindful of that, and he needs to be careful to not give you false hope.

You'll be alright. We're here, and you'll do fine.

Men are very black and white about these things. To him, it's over so his perspective would have changed instantly. Whereas women tend to see all of the ifs, ands and buts. I know this is a massive generalisation and there are of course exceptions to the rule - it's also not a criticism of either sex, there are times that I wish I could see things more black and white and times that I'm glad I don't.

That doesn't mean to say that the enormity of it all won't hit him at some point in the future. For now he's probably just seeing it as "it's over, everything's different" because that's what he needs to do to get through.

I think you're doing amazingly. Of course you'll have down days but you are clearly very strong and will be able to get through those days because of that strength.x

I hope your first day back at work is ok. Please don't feel shame. I am sure your colleagues will be supportive should you choose to tell them. You are doing so well. Remember we are all here rooting for you.

I work in such a small team, some of them have become very good friends. They have heard what's happened, although some not a great amount of detail, but they would feel comfortable to ask and usually (I'm quite an open person) I would have no issues with telling. These were the people who were there celebrating with us as we got married a year and a half ago. I never thought this would happen to me, and I still can't quite believe this is happening to me. Just got to take each day as it comes. It's going to be so difficult to try to get past this.

You have nothing to feel shameful about - this is not your doing it appears you have been strung along and deceived for some time. I hope tomorrow goes ok, it's up to you what and how much you say to people.

Garlic of course you still love him. It sounds like it is starting to hit you as you are coming out of the shock of it all. He has moved on already in his mind and doesn't feel what you feel. It is still such early days for it all though. There is no easy way to get through it and no way to avoid the pain unfortunately. It hurts. You just need time.

Garlic, I just wanted to tell your that I had the back to work dread very recently. I know the feeling of horrid shame.

My husband had an affair with a young girl at our shared place of work and had by all accounts been flagrant at the end of last year in the pub long after I had gone home to put our kids to bed. When I found out I told lots of work colleagues as I wanted him to be shamed (plus it would have been obvious when both he and this girl were moved on as they were). Then he killed himself - less than a week later- and I was off work for three months.

I went back two weeks ago and I was dreading the pity and shame. Deep bloody shame. I arranged to meet my pa at a local coffee shop and we walked in together. It helped. I was also open about what happened to avoid people asking curious questions in a few months' time but yeah, tried (and occasionally failed here) not to do chapter and verse.

The first day was shit (people move on so fast!) but then things improved and by day three it was almost like normal.

Maybe try and meet a close colleague first. But most importantly, if you like your job it's likely it will be a great tonic. Your H has made it clear it's over so you won't be worrying about what he is going to decide. Have lunch with a good friend. Get through it and day two will be better X

Cripes, dilys. I'm sorry that happened to you. Hope you're surrounded by good people.

Garlic, it's okay to trust your work friends. Tell them what you can, and tell them when you need distracting. Good advice about blood sugar - this is a time to eat the classic 3 square and a few snacks. Emotional shock really takes it out of you!

It will be okay. You will be okay. And it's okay to be sad, confused and angry. All the best.

Just wanted to de lurk to say well done and xxx

I think dilys's idea is a good one - meet up with one friend before work and go in together, it will dilute any effects.

But I have to agree with others too - YOU have NO reason to feel shame. Your DH has decided that things aren't what he wants, that's his issue, not yours. This wasn't your choice, it was/is his.

and to you - just hold your head up and tell people you'd rather not talk about it just now, thanks, things are still being worked through.

dilys what an awful situation! I'm so glad you are getting through this. Thank you so much for your suggestion about meeting up with a friend first, but unfortunately it won't be able to work like that. I work in the middle of a residential area, so no where to hide first, and everyone is chasing their tails to be on time already nevermind even 5 mins early to meet me.

I work with adults with learning disabilities (if anyone already knows me, then I think I've already outed myself majorly on this thread and the previous one) and it's possibly their questions which might be the hardest to deal with. They won't know a thing, but I'll just need to lie my way out of the 'did you have a nice holiday?' 'what did you do?' questions. While my work colleagues can take a hint if I don't want to talk about something, the adults I support really don't. Smile and lie

I do love my job, but I fear my head is just going to be full of mush today. I've only been off a week, but it feels like months!

Good luck for today garlic. I'm sure that once today is out of the way then work will get easier. It'll distract you for a while at the very least.
Stay strong, you're doing yourself proud

I've read both threads and think you're doing so well Garlic, honestly though with a couple of breakups I had the best thing to do was carry on as normal- go to work etc.
I wasn't married to my ex and we didn't even live together but I was so heartbroken and cried and cried for weeks. I managed to pull myself together in the end but it was hard and even though it's really cliche- time is a great healer.
4 years later I met my DP (fiancé now) and we have 2 kids: I couldn't be happier. There'll be someone else out there for you I promise. Don't do what I did though and actively look for it.
I changed my entire hair/ wardrobe when I broke up with an ex and it was so refreshing.
Best of luck for today, and keep head held high!

Take your time with work. Don't be scared to say you don't want to talk about things. I went through terrible time finding out partner was cheating and telling worked colleagues helped but having to update and explain myself became tiresome.

You sound like you like your job but at same time if you're having to engage with service users/ partners/ colleagues you may not always feel in the right head space so take your time and keep your manager in the loop as you may need time out of normal work duties if it becomes too much

Dilys - bloody hell what a situation to go through, hope you're ok

I'm doing okay. Updated the boss breifly with what happened. No breakdowns yet. It's not been ideal, but I've came back to a lot of work and there's so much going on. It's going to be a stressful few weeks at work, but I should be okay.

One day at a time. You are doing great, unfortunately you just need to get through it. The worst is over. Hang in there xx

Hi Garlicbreathing

I have no other advice to offer than what others have posted, but I wanted to add that I feel you are being remarkably strong and mature about everything, and I admire you for it.

I went through a break up after over 6 years together (no marriage or kids), but a house, pets and joint items to split. It wasn't easy, and I had days of complete clarity and others of downright darkness, but whatever happens I can promise you WILL get through it. Unfortunately the only way out of things, is all the way through it first. One day at a time is the best way forward right now, and just make sure that any decisions you make are in your own best interests.

Hugs and positive thinking directed your way

O good, work will really help you right now. It will give you focus so hopefully your mind won't wander to much.

I think work is a good idea, too! The more you have to concentrate on outside of your situation, the better.

So today is almost over. It's been okay. I met up with a friend after work and went out for dinner. She was great to talk to about things, and she has the most gorgeous 4 month old little boy. I opened up to her about all our fertility issues, and she was so good at letting me be involved with her baby, and today I helped bath him and play with him and it was just so lovely to be involved with a beautiful, happy family.

It sounds like you've had a really lovely evening Garlic, glad you're still keeping strong.

Well the lovely evening was tarnished slightly.

My husband knocked on the door to my bedroom about 30 mins ago. Said that my mum was in contact with his mum, asking her to lunch, and his mum felt uncomfortable about this as she thinks it will be an opportunity to her his mum to talk about him to her. He sees this as her being controlling. I added that our mums are friends, or so my mum sees it as that, we went on a long weekend spa break last summer and all had a lovely time. I asked whether his mum had told her this, he said she hadn't, but he wanted me to tell her. I said that if it was such an issue to his mum, then she should be telling her, or he should if he felt he had to protect his mum.
I took the opportunity to discuss his use of the word controlling and asked for specific examples about why he thought I controlled him (and why he thinks my family are controlling too, as he has brought this up on different occasions). He replied 'you changed who I am' and the reason for thinking my family are controlling 'because they booked our wedding venue'. Eh, no. My parents went with me to see a wedding venue as my husband was working (there was an open day on), and I spoke to my husband (fiance at the time) on the phone when I was there. I put down a provisional date, with his blessing and went to see the venue with my husband the next week.
I told him how hurt I was that I had been in his families lives for 6 years and neither his mum or sister has been in any sort of contact with me to see how I have been, I asked in what light he has painted them to me in. At that point he began to feel unwell, felt dizzy and looked clammy. He went to the bathroom, and did a 'weird poo', I asked if he washed his hands, he said 'no'. I told him I can't control him anymore, but I have to live with him so can he please wash his hands after visiting the bathroom, and to disinfect the door handles he's touched. He asked to continue this conversation tomorrow.
Is it quite possible that I married a child?

I'm starting to get a picture of someone who's so malleable, he feels obliged to go along with anyone who expresses an opinion Hence, anybody trying to actually persuade him of anything would be perceived as controlling? If he is like this, he must be a salesperson's dream!

An alternative interpretation, I guess, could be that he's so up himself he doesn't really believe anyone has the right to an opinion different from his. Or, perhaps, any woman.

Love the getting genuinely ill when faced with a difficult question! My XH2 did that as well! It was so obvious, I wasn't very sympathetic: I reckoned he should have learned to handle awkward feelings some time before growing up & getting married. He found plenty of other women people to fuss over his symptoms, though. As far as I know he still believes he's got a heart condition (they were panic attacks.)

Good to hear you had a lovely time with your friend - and her squishy baby! The ones you can play with and then give back are the best sort in many ways

Are you feeling better about going to work tomorrow?