Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Oh ffs I nc to that name, to shame the Daily Mail for their use of MN last week. But, Expell you carry on being what you are. doing. I'm out of your stuff.

garlicbreathing koko and to you :)

at the tone that ihatethedailymail has taken on this thread. £7k is £7k. I agree that it is entirely possible to do a divorce without taking any specific legal advice, especially given there are no children in the equation. In fact I didn't take legal advice during my own divorce, but I was very strongly advised that I really ought to be.

In terms of whether the OP's name is on the mortgage, presumably it is, but in the event that it isn't, this would make a difference. When I came off our mortgage in order that XH could remortgage in his own name, I was told by a solicitor (who had to co-sign the document) that by not being on the mortgage and the deeds of the house I would be forfitting my right to remain in the marital home. Obviously the OP and her H may well come to an agreement re a settlement, but if the DH is slow to act in general, then OP may well struggle to get the house sold or the equity value paid to her without legal assistance. And the divorce won't be signed off until there is a clear consent order in place.

In terms of remaining under the same roof, me and my ex did so for nine months while I waited for my house to come through. We also had DS to consider and were in fact relatively amicable during that time. and I still cooked etc as I was cooking for DS and me anyway. But it was hard, because as a PP said, it made it harder to move forward. If there are still feelings at play and there has been no specific falling out then it will IMO be even harder. And tbh, given that there has been no particular falling out I would say that it's likely that there will come a point where cohabiting for convenience will lead to more on occasion and that OP and her H may well end up in bed together which will just confuse issues and open up emotions which OP is trying not to allow to surface.

Fwiw I never slept with my eXH after we split, but I know several people who have slept with their ex's again while living under the same roof, even if just after an emotional talk for instance - or a few drinks. Don't discount it as a possibility, and protect yourself against it.

I'm sorry today didn't have the outcome you wanted Garlic.

I'm worried about you planning to remain living in the same home. I think you should really try to get out of there as fast as you can even if you lose money. May be have a talk with your parents about your financial options for moving out?

Also, could you stay with them at the weekends, so that your only there in the week to sleep?

You are coping really well. Be prepared for the ups and downs that are inevitable. And don't let the selfish coward wheedle his way back in.

I'm pretty unsure about what happened with that derailment, but I've had a few gins and may need to reread in the morning.

In other news, I have made the decision to try this whole living together while separated thing, and we shall just need to see how it goes. Tonight has been okay, I have came back from my friends house and he is already in bed in the spare room. Everything he needs for the morning is already in his room or the main bathroom. So there will be no disturbances.

I don't wish to rely on my parents for additional support. They are there if I really, truly need them to be, and they have offered that, but I don't feel comfortable relying on them on a regular basis. In terms of financial help, I have already made an arse of the money they saved for me. My parents helped me with the flat deposit and with my wedding. I couldn't even possibly ask or expect anything more than what they have already so generously given me to help me out in life. It's just with such regret that I used this towards a life with a man who has let me down so bitterly. But such is life..

I have been advised my friends that I need to slow down to process what has happened and I am tending to think it might be a good idea. This has all came about in the space of a week, and I have a long time to deal with the consequences of what has happened. I like to get things done, but I can't risk rushing ahead when it's not going to be the right course of action. I am planning to take a couple days and see where things go, where both myself and my husbands feelings lie, whether we think this cohabitation can work, what our families think, how we deal with any issues that arise. Tomorrow, I need to go and do a food shop and start to plan some meals. And then Tuesday will be back at work, for the first time since the whole situation started and it will be a true test of what I can deal with. And then whatever comes the following days I will need to be prepared to deal with.

I agree with your friends and said as much earlier. Maybe stop trying to control the situation so tightly and just give yourself some time to process all this. It's been such a very short time since he told you how he felt. It is still such early days and nothing at the moment is certain.

Good advice from
Your friends.

I'm not sure if it's the right time for you but down the line is you or husband wanted to go to counselling together or on your own - there isn't relate in Scotland but their is Relationship Scotland. Not sure where you're based there's one in Glasgow and few other places I think.

It was a Relationship Scotland that I was looking into going to. At the time of looking, I had hoped this would help us address our issues to help fix our marriage. I just think it is too late now, he does seem to have made up his mind. I did suggest it to him during our conversation yesterday, as an alternative option to what he was choosing, but he seemed pretty certain that things couldn't be fixed. It will still be a back up option, perhaps if we need some support in helping us to live together successfully, or maybe one day he will just wake up and want to give it a go. I just need to give things some time and see how things go with us being apart. This is still just so new to both of us, and I don't think either of us are prepared for whats coming.

has he told his family ?

If you do attend counselling, together or alone, would recommend a BACP qualified person over services such as relate, where counsellors are often less well qualified. People sometimes have counselling to end a relationship as well as possible.

Garlic they're also good to help you discuss any issues that may come about from the separation - you will be in shock, you've been let down, trust broken by your husband so counselling is worth considering down the line.

His family know.
I think I need to see how I process all of this myself before I rush into counselling. If I feel that I am not coping well or coming to terms with it, then I will look at making an appointment. However, at this stage, I'm just trying not to rush too soon into anything, and I feel okay with everything. It might be different tomorrow/next week/ a few months down the line, and I will look at things again then.

I think you're doing amazingly!

I think you are very wise to slow down and take some time to digest all that has happened over a relatively short length of time, it's all still very raw and I think you should expect ups and down in your emotions.

If the cohabiting is manageable then I think at some stage you will have to decide on an end date because if you wait for your husband then you will be waiting a long time by the sounds of it.

One day at a time.

Thank you brightside!
I'll be glad to get back to work tomorrow. Having the time off was great to actually think about and deal with the situation, but I think if I was working, it would have been a good distraction and I maybe wouldn't have felt like I've rushed ahead with decisions. I've had nothing this week to keep my mind off what has been happening.

I think you are doing brilliantly. But one day at a time, your emotions will roller coaster I'm sure.

Thank God he told you now. You could have had another 5 years of this marriage not knowing the person he was. How sad. His loss garlic Onwards and upwards.

Good luck with the living arrangements, I don't think it's going be be easy but can see why you are doing it.

Here's to your lovely future.

cheers to everyone not really drinking wine, it's too early even for my standards

I will be okay, and I think he will be too.

Hope you're doing ok OP.
My friend lives in Scotland and sadly got divorced last year, her Dh was unaware the law there is different, a Dh has to continue to pay for 3 years from the date they married. So if he's paying 50% of everything now, he has to pay 50% of everything until you've been married 3 years, unless you divorce and reach a settlement.

Thanks cherry, I will ask about that when we seek legal advice. I didn't know anything about that.

Having a clearing out day. Didn't realise how much stuff I have and don't need until I was packing stuff to take to my mums last week.

I'm sorry he didn't step up.
But you sound strong.
Totally agree with your friends.
Take your time.
Although I had to live with my Ex for 6 months and it was hell.
You can do this.
Good luck.
I'm gonna say now that you will crash.
Keep your sugar levels up for a good while.

How's things tonight Garlic?

I'm faltering slightly. I can see why people said this would be hard. Nothing has really changed. I said to my husband tonight about whether he felt anything was different yet, and he was straight to the point with a "yes, I think it's all different now". I told him how I didn't feel anything had changed, he is still offering me favours. He said he is just trying to be civil, but in the future, I could see myself reading too into this thinking he still wants it to work out. I need to accept that it won't.
I was looking at flats today online, and the realisation hit me that if this is over, then we will need to say goodbye. I don't want to say goodbye, I just love him so much

And oh god, tomorrow being back at work. Life is just going to go on and it is the first time I have seen most people since all of this happened. I don't know if I'm ready for the questions and the sympathy, and I have such awful, awful feelings of shame.

I just need to get tomorrow out of the way and I'm sure I will feel better about things. Just dreading it at this moment in time.

Short term plan will be finding a long term plan.