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Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
Iamdobby63 · 01/05/2016 17:46

Daisy, there is nothing to stop him from still 'thinking', just that the OP is not going to be sat in someone else's house fretting over what he is thinking or not thinking for that matter, it doesn't really seem like he has a lot to say, not much different than Monday considering he had 6 days to 'think'.

In those 6 days he showed no care or concern for the OP - why should she still hold out hope?

Suninseptember · 01/05/2016 17:49

I find it amazing how he's chosen to end the marriage, requested time to think,had time to think but instead had mates round for a drink.
He had the time to think that it was a definite "no" to not staying together but not enough to time to think about what that really entailed..? The practicalities of it?
Nope, he was too busy partying.

Suninseptember · 01/05/2016 17:51

That to me demonstrates how proactive he is.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 01/05/2016 17:54

The whole ensuite bedroom thing is tricky. I'd like the main bedroom as there's more storage and room, but I hate the ensuite, I much prefer the main bathroom and my husband prefers the ensuite. We will just need to see how it works out, if it is too difficult and I don't like him using the ensuite, then I will be looking at rearranging furniture to see how that works.

I'll certainly be back here if I need to vent at the whole situation, but nothing is going to change it now. Just gotta live with it and see how things work out..

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 01/05/2016 17:56

He's not proactive in the slightest. I asked him to sort out the list of bills, we'll see how long it takes him.

OP posts:
AlwaysBeYourself · 01/05/2016 18:07

I think his crying and asking for a hug at the end was relief that it went so well. He probably was prepared for fighting and arguing.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 01/05/2016 18:10

There's no point making this harder than it already is. I don't hold bad feelings against him, our relationship over the years has been good and happy (well I feel it has at least) and I think it's blurred my memory of this week. I just hope we can be civil enough to make this living together work out.

OP posts:
Suninseptember · 01/05/2016 18:14

I agree garlic. I was being sarcastic.
:-)

AsteriMou · 01/05/2016 18:21

It's extremely difficult to stay living under the same roof when you're divorcing. If there's a way that one of you can move elsewhere, I strongly recommend you do.

You need proper legal advice asap. Call and make an appointment with a solicitor for this week.

SleepingTiger · 01/05/2016 18:26

Your posts have changed materially since getting back to your flat.
The two of you are not compatible, more evident now.
I don't have the same 'awe' with your posts as I had before.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 01/05/2016 18:41

I don't have the same 'fuck him' attitude, because I did see a bit of humanity in him again. But this is my life, I need to think and react clearly now to make sure my future is off to the best start. And if that means getting on with him and trying to live together to get some money behind me, then so be it. Neither of us are bad people, and we are rational. We have the potential to make sure this break up goes smoothly if we both just agree to some boundaries.
I need to give this a shot.

OP posts:
A4Document · 01/05/2016 18:45

Citizens Advice Scotland: Getting Divorced

SleepingTiger · 01/05/2016 18:50

If that was in reply to mine, I probably was not as clear as I wanted to be.
I think you are awesome.
You have more in you than you believe, at the moment. You will have a great life.
Better always if you treat people honourably.
Be complete.
Mumsnet is a vipers nest.
Take what you want, but don't linger too long.

AlwaysBeYourself · 01/05/2016 18:52

I have to say that there seems little emotion from you Garlic. You seem completely business like and I wonder if this will hit you in a big way soon. It's just all too calm and controlled.

SleepingTiger · 01/05/2016 18:53

Just be complete with him

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 01/05/2016 18:56

Thanks sleeping I read your last comment as critism for losing my spark and 'strong, independent woman', which I feel I may have done a bit.
I'm just trying not to 'bulldoze' into this like I have done with everything else. I need to really weigh up my options. This is a means to an end. If we are both clear and realistic then I think I will come out of this in a good position. I do appreciate all the advice and support. I take what is useful to me and I choose what will benefit me in my life.
I certainly wouldn't be at this point today if it wasn't for all of you on this thread. I joined mumsnet to access the ttc boards, I never thought I'd be relying on it to save my sanity in the situation where my marriage is ending.

OP posts:
offside · 01/05/2016 18:56

I actually agree with Daisy. And I don't actually think he is a coward for going through with the wedding, I imagine a lot of men feel railroaded into marriage, and women too. You're ultimatum probably didn't help and I think you sound a like you're used to getting your own way a lot of the time.

I don't think you've probably given him enough space and you're the one who has ultimately made the decision to end it as he has shown that he would prefer a trial separation rather than a split. But it seems it's all or nothing right now. And in fairness, I was probably a bit like that when I was 25 as it's still a very young age.

I wish you well for the future, you've still got a lifetime ahead of you. Just learn from this experience.

SleepingTiger · 01/05/2016 18:58

OP Listen

Stop talking.

AsteriMou · 01/05/2016 19:06

Sorry garlic I wasn't trying to say you should be thinking "fuck him". I don't know how my post gave that impression. Confused I was just trying to say that it can be very hard to live together following a marriage breakup.

When my marriage ended mutually and amicably after 15 years, we planned to live under the same roof for about a year to give me time to find a better paying job.
We lived in a large house, we each had plenty of private living, bathroom and bedroom space. We did have to share the kitchen which we did on a rota.
But it was very difficult to do it. We had started with firm boundaries but the lines began to blur quite quickly and we both found it challenging.
The relationship was over and playing at being room mates was tough. I moved out after 6 months as we both found it hurtful to still be living together whilst trying to live separate lives. It was impossible to start to grieve for the marriage and begin to move on and that process didn't begin until after I'd left.

Anyway, I'll bow out now . Wishing you the best for your future.

53rdAndBird · 01/05/2016 19:08

If your partner wants to get married, and you don't, then it is up to you to say that. You should expect any decent partner to take your wishes into account, but you can't expect them to telepathically know what those wishes are if you're not being honest about them.

cakeycakeface · 01/05/2016 19:09

Garlic I've read both your threads. Don't let your husbands comments about lack of control etc persuade you that you "bulldoze" your way through things. A different man would love what I am seeing as strength assertiveness and decisiveness. These are good qualities. At no time have you sounded unwilling to hear him out and I expect you'll be willing to listen more if he wants to talk.

But you are clear - and I agree - that there is no way for him to come back from telling you that marriage happened against his will. And then confirming that again. No matter what he says, how do you ever 'unhear' that.

So you are right to focus forward and plan plan plan. It seems to me you thrive in being proactive and coming up with solutions. One day you are going to meet a strong man and the two if you will be a formidable partnership.

I wish you all the best.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 01/05/2016 19:10

Be smart, get legal advice and check your name is on the mortgage. A week ago you thought you were happily married and ttc, you cant really be sure as to what else he will pull out the bag

GarlicShake · 01/05/2016 19:15

It doesn't have to be extremely difficult to stay living under the same roof. Everything depends on the individuals concerned, the state of their emotions and the people around them.

Both my exes were abusive in different ways but the day-to-day aspects of the post split house sharing were surprisingly easy. In both cases, there came a point very soon after the breakup talk when my feelings for my H changed. The feeling of grief stopped and it was all about getting stuff sorted. Even with the unhealthy power balances, there had obviously been enough friendship & shared interests to build a marriage on in the first place. And we knew each other's routines and so on, so it wasn't difficult to juggle things around a bit to suit the new relationship.

XH2 had done such a good job of painting me as an irrational loon to his mates, they couldn't understand why he was OK about sharing Grin I left the explanations up to him.

SleepingTiger · 01/05/2016 19:15

Legal advice, money.....

Worth fuck all in this situation. £7,000 maximum.

There are more important things at stake here for these two people. Experience is worth more than money can and may buy.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 01/05/2016 19:17

Experience won't buy her a new home