Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Garlic, please get some legal advice. You should be able to get a free first interview with a local solicitor. The law in Scotland relating to the division of matrimonial property is very different from that in England. Basically, the default position is that assets acquired during the marriage, up to the date of separation, are divided 50:50. However there are many wrinkles and exceptions. I would guess that, unless one of you has a very good pension built up during the relatively short marriage, your position is straightforward but do get advice on that and also on what counts as separation. If you can sort your finances out yourselves you might be able to save money by doing a diy divorce.

Thanks Garlic, but I think I might be sworn off marriage for a while yet.
I think there's an aspect that it hasn't sunk in for him yet either. But I am ready to push for boundaries if it comes to it.

We will look into legal advice, my husband actually suggested it first!
Neither of us have brought much assets to the marriage, everything has been pretty equal I think so I suspect it should be a pretty straight forward divorce.

Have you asked him what made him 'wake up and smell the coffee' when he's given you no prior notice to his apparent unhappiness until a few days ago?
I'd also want to bloody know why he left it until it was too late, to say something and for you to address his issues!
I'd be pretty pissed off that he proposed to you, married you and was ttc with you and all the while not really wanting it. Bullshit. He's a weak coward and he's making me really cross!

Isn't it scary how your whole life can change in a week? I agree you have coped with this amazingly.

What a coward to say he got married but didn't want to (if that's even true.)

Although sad you will be fine in time because you are young and together and strong.

just a tiny snippet that is important.
Do not tell him you will be late home, or if by chance you decide to stay out overnight, do not feel obliged to tell him why, where or with whom. & if you are meeting friends in the pub, just do it.
I know there is now the dog, but it won't hurt to seem to be living your life happily.
he may not want you anymore, but he might not feel the same way when he sees you, or imagines you, enjoying yourself with someone else !

Not sure I could sit in the living room with him in the evenings, lots of going out or sitting in the bedroom will be required.

It will be strange if the atmosphere is frosty and even stranger if it isn't.

Probably won't be popular for saying this, but I can actually see where he's coming from with regard to being railroaded into things......no sooner has he said 'we need to talk' than you've decided it's all over, you're getting divorced, how much equity you'll each get, what happens to the car, the dog etc etc

One week isn't enough space for anyone to decide on the future of a marriage. You said you'd give him space but you haven't. Fine, up to you, but I think you are the one potentially bringing the marriage to an end prematurely.

He is a coward, I agree with that. I do believe that it just got too difficult for him to hide any longer.
I do intend to live my life now, and to keep as much as possible private. It might be tricky with arranging someone to be in for the dog though, he's left in the day himself, so I hate to see him without company in the evenings.
There isn't much atmosphere at the moment. But it's too soon to tell how this will be.
He's happy for me to have the main bedroom. He will ask permission for using the ensuite, assuming I'm in. But usually he showers when I'm still at work. And clothes will be stored in the bedroom til we can rearrange storage. We will mutually agree to respect each other's privacy. And we shall see how it works..

But Daisy, if he still wanted space then he could have had it. The OP is just being practical for the sake of her sanity.

If someone has been unhappy and forced into marriage in the first place, then how can that marriage survive long term daisy? He doesn't want to be married, how much time does someone need to think about that before they decide that actually they were wrong and they do actually want to be married?

Garlic ive been following this thread and wanted to say I admire so much the way youve handled everything. This is most definitely his loss. You deserve so much better. Good luck xx

He asked for a hug?

Mhhmmm. This guy is good at what he's doing.

daisy I think you're overlooking the notion that he's likely been thinking about this for awhile, certainly for the last week, as garlic has noted a change in his behaviour over it.

The OP is being practical. Would it be better if she wailed and carried on and said "no no no it can't be over, I'm going to refuse to allow it?" and begged him repeatedly? Of course not. He's agreed that it's over, and she's now organising her life. Nothing wrong with that whatsoever.

I'm not saying the marriage can survive long term....but the way garlic has done it, there is no chance for proper discussions, no effort put into trying to make it work. IF there really is no OW, then he could have just been trying to be heard. It doesn't sound like garlic actually listens to me.

FWIW I think there probably is an OW, so maybe she's just saving herself heartache in the long run, but I really can see his point of view.

Sorry it's came to this Garlic. iv actually had a few friends that struggled to conceive and then ended up slitting up and conceiving quickly with their new partner. Every one of them says how thankful they are for that in hindsight.

He's been a dick and you are being amazing. I hope it doesn't hit you and the past week has helped you sort your head out.

You are handling things very mature and level headed. I hope the cohabiting works. And I don't agree that there is definitely someone else like others are saying. If there is though you will find out in time but what difference will it make now.

I disagree that there wasn't chance at a proper discussion.
I sat and was ready to listen to everything that he had to say today, but it was obviously a conversation he didn't want to have. True, he still wanted weeks to think, but I suspect he had already made up his mind.

Garlic, you amazing woman, you. You should be so proud of how you have behaved throughout this and I am so glad you are so cool, calm and collected with him.

I was wondering, if you find that sharing the flat is too hard, but it is not the right time to sell, would it be easier to rent it out?

Hope it isn't too bad over the next while when you are living in same building definitely think you've handled this amazingly just sorry it's all changed so much for you so quickly .

He has been a dick and I think his emotion towards the end of our discussion showed that. It makes no difference though. It's over.
Just waiting for my friend to text me and Ill head over to hers tonight for a chat and some gin. Will give us both some space.

Renting out the flat would be an option, but I still wouldn't be in a position to buy another place. I would then be going onto finding a rental which accepts pets.

In my last post, it meant to read that his emotion showed he'd realised he'd been a dick. Maybe in his eyes he's not been a dick, but I think he seen he handled things poorly.

Thank you chocolate, scary how quick things change!

If you're having the main room then he can't use the ensuite. You'll have no privacy - he'll be in your private space when you're out.

Aww garlic sending lots of love. Life can be cruel at times but you know you'll get through this. You're doing amazing. You'll meet someone who wants to spend forever with you and H and sod off.

I would like to think that's true. But sadly I dont

Good luck to you Garlic.

I like the fact that Garlic is being proactive.
I like the fact that she is making preparations for whatever the future holds for her rather than wait to be fed "morsels" from him.
He already said he didn't want to continue the marriage. What do you want her to do?
Not plan her future just in case he changes his mind?
How long until she can look into what to do with the property? I didn't know there were timeframes for that sort of thing?

And moving to give him space...
What, a whole bedroom to himself isn't space enough?
I've dated guys like this before. Wishy-washy, at the beginning claim to like how motivated and practical you are but then when it then shines a light onto how slow they are to get things done, it becomes a case of "she's too controlling".

Like others have said here before, no one forced him to ask her to marry him or to indeed get married. No one forced him to say that it was over. He decided it was.

Keep doing as you are Garlic. You're doing well. Fake it 'till you make it.
You will eventually reach a point where it will hit you that this has happened but at least you won't also have to deal with the practicalities from the start because they will be thought about already.

I'm really proud of you and wish I had your strength at 25.

I'm so sorry things turned out this way garlic. Not that there's a positive, but at least you know how things stand and how you're going to move forward.

Your dignity and strength are astounding, and if indeed the shock hasn't hit you yet and there comes a time you need to have a rant/cry/vent, then we're here for you. Sending lots of and (no Gin emoticon so wine'll have to do)