Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

I'd be setting ground rules that neither you or him bring a new girl/boyfriend into the flat until it's sold and you are completely separate as I believe that he has 'someone' waiting to fill your side of the bed.

I don't think you should allow him to pay half the cost of car or let him use it otherwise I an see him making you give him half the value of the car.

Asking him to move out/stay somewhere else for a few days, is not the same as asking him to move out permanently

He has every right to say no.

Relationships and marriages end all the time for a million reasons. There is not always someone else.

But I think the reason lots of posters keep coming back to the possibility that there is another woman in this case is because of the following:

-a sudden coldness and detachment
-a re-writing of history to justify behaviour (eg I never wanted to get married!!!! I was forced!!!)
-delay tactics by requesting 'thinking time'
-a complete lack of contact after separation on Monday and an irritation when he was contacted
-no interest in even the dog (many having affairs do this to their children!)
-disappointment and surprise when you are calm and accepting about the split. This rattles his ego and unsettles him so he cries, asks for hugs, offers to get you food

It may well be there is no OW. The 'script' may or may not be a 'thing'. But there are some key clues here that are making posters smell a rat.

Either way - you have realised he's not the man you thought he was. You are young enough to start again; the future is bright and exciting for you. So remember the good times and think of him fondly but draw a line under the relationship and move on. Soon you will meet someone new and be eternally grateful that your husband made the decision to end the marriage because you are so much happier.

Call me a cynic but I'd want to see the online /paper bills so you don't get screwed over. Having him pay half the car sounds fine in theory but how will it work practically? You get it 3.5 days a week? Or if he wants it for a weekend as you have it for work in the week so you end up stranded? What about petrol or MOT/servicing etc? Who decides who uses it if you both want to?

Split shelves in the fridge - no cooking /sharing meals - flatmates don't necessarily do this but I don't think you should cook for him - there needs to be new boundaries.

Just de-lurking to say that I have followed both threads and, Garlic, you are seriously awesome. You should be incredibly proud of yourself - you have shown a strength and maturity, as well as a developed sense of self awareness that I wish I had now, let alone at 25.

FWIW, when my ex H left there was definitely no OW and in fact he didn't start to see anyone for over two years after he left. People tend to judge by their own experiences, which is fair enough, but only you know your H and you have a better idea of when he's being truthful. In my case, we lived on a very small island and I would have known/heard about it as well as it being out of character. Similar though - it was my ex H's idea for us to have a baby (and I agreed with alacrity), yet the day I said I was pregnant he instructed me to have a termination as he'd changed his mind. I didn't and he left. DD is 18 and we have had a (generally) wonderful life.

Wishing you all the very best for a fantastic future.

I think it's quite possible that it's not quite hit me yet. Nothing feels different yet.

Probably because you're accepting it's for the best. You might get upset tomorrow though.

I'm so sorry, but not entirely surprised. Don't let him guilt you into feeling you didn't give him time to think - he's been thinking about this for a long time, hiding in plain sight. You don't end a marriage on a whim.

He should have had the maturity, grace & basic respect to tell you when he first started feeling disaffected - not hide behind a loving facade all the while resenting you & saying or doing nothing to put it right together.

He's despicable. Really disgraceful behaviour from a man of his years.

You did so well. Be prepared for crappy days when you just miss him & love him & want him back. When you feel that way remember this man is a smiling emotional assassin. You could never ever believe a word he says again.

Also - and I am projecting here, but brace yourself - for a woman to pop up very soon, who he will say he started things with after you split. I hope I'm wrong in that, but he's obviously a very accomplished & convincing liar. Look at all the lies he's been telling you about his feelings & you believed him.

Chin up & head high my love, you're twice the person he'll ever be and this is his massive loss. There's a lovely guy waiting for you out there somewhere & you're going to have an amazing life, having learned a lot from this utter spineless loser.

I know around about what he pays for bills. I agree the car situation might be quite tricky, but in the end, I couldn't say that he isn't welcome to it. It was our agreement that I paid the car while he paid the mortgage/bills. I couldn't fairly say to him that he has no right to that, as he could turn around and say I have no right to the flat. We'll just need to compromise with the car. It's a given I need it through the week, and we'll just need to be open with who needs it at the weekend.

This is going to be a new situation, and it will take time to get everything sorted out. But we both agreed to be civil to each other, and he isn't a bad person I just honestly believe he doesn't love me anymore, and his behaviour this week is due to having some built up resent towards me. But I am pretty clear in my mind that there is a line drawn under our relationship, and we just need to move forwards from here.

Of course it hasn't hit you yet

You handled yourself beautifully. He is the one who is losing out here. You, on the other hand, seem to have dodged a bullet. All the best moving forward.

You have shown so much dignity. Hold your head high.
I, a lady in 50's, having marriage difficulties, after nearly 40 years, wish I could act with such dignity.

Allow yourself time and space to process this properly.
All the best to you.

I've read both your threads, Garlic, but not posted until now. I'm sorry that it has come to this but I think that you knew it was going to right from Monday, when you started to get that anxious feeling about it all. I've been in that situation as well, and know the dread of "this is going to end".

I think that you will find it difficult to live together fully amicably, it's going to be awkward without ground rules - so I strongly suggest you lay some down, including a rota of things.

The rota will include who gets the car when - if it needs to be flexible, then work out how, so that you both get fair shares on it.
You should cook separately, and wash up your own things only. You should also each do your own laundry. You're effectively flat mates now, not partners, and your behaviour should reflect that. It might be ok to cook together occasionally (I used to with my lodgers sometimes) but do not make it a regular thing.
Do your own shopping,
Have your own shelves in the fridge and freezer. Label your stuff if necessary!
Rota for cleaning - there's no reason why you should do it all now!
And your bedrooms should each be off-limits to the other.

It might sound petty, but it really is the only way to make it clear that this is now you two, being separate, in the same flat. Where it will get more "interesting" (and probably highly uncomfortable) is when each of you goes out, or has someone back to the flat - you'll need rules around that too.

Good luck - I do feel for you

Garlic I'm so sorry it has come to this, but I think you know it's for the best which is why you're so calm about it. You're handling this which such great dignity.

I don't even know you but I want to give you a huge hug, tell you how proud I am of you for how brilliantly you've handled all of this, and hand you one hell of a glass of wine.

Just want you to know I think you're doing amazingly well!

Normally I'd be full of advice but I've come down with a nasty virus and am a bit foggy. But I'll be reading and applauding your progress!

Thank you all.

I've just off the phone to my mum and dad. I can tell they are disappointed. But I can't do much about that now. There wasn't really much else to say that they didn't already know. I basically told them that he feels the same, so that's it.

Just not really sure now what else to do. We have wedding pictures all around the flat. I just don't know what the hell happened! I'm definitely still in shock.

You handled yourself really well, I'm sorry the outcome wasn't different for you.

Doesn't sound like he had much to say.

Living together is going to be difficult, just in case do prepare yourself for 'we were on a break' scenario.

what is his idea of a timescale? When can anyone afford to divorce? I guess he is planning on saving up £7k to buy you out.

I think you should take the wedding photos down. As hard as it might be, it would be harder to come in one day and find that he'd taken them all down. Maybe print up some photos of landscapes to replace them so the walls don't look to bare.

I'm sorry it wasn't what you hoped for in the end but you can definitely hold your head up high and know that there's nothing more you could have done and your dignity is still in tact.

You'll be okay. Try and take it easy. Your parents will get used to it, too - they will have wanted you to be happy and settled, no parent wants their child to go through a divorce. They'll rally once they've got their heads around it.

Im so sorry that it's ended like this.

I don't know about time scales. I think we just need to see how it goes.
We live in Scotland, so the law AFAIK says we must be separated for a year before we can divorce. I don't know if he would buy me out, he asked if I would buy him out. Ideally, I think I would like him to buy me out, so I could put down a deposit for another place.

I don't think I could have done anything else. Obviously, I wish I wasn't in this situation. But I am, so I just need to deal with things I guess.

I'll try to find alternative pictures to put on the walls. There's only two that need to come down off walls, the rest are in frames and can be stored away.

Oh blimey garlic, I'm really sorry things have turned out like this.
It's admirable that you've both decided to be civil to each other but if I'm honest, I can't see how living together is going to work.
How long do you both anticipate this will be for?
What if he leaves stuff laying around the lounge when you want to relax or he leaves the kitchen in a mess before he goes out? I just can't picture how it will logistically work for any length of time and I'd be pushing for putting the flat on the market asap.
I definitely wouldn't be cooking, cleaning, food shopping or tidying up after him!
He's actually made me really cross with his whole 'You made me do it' patheticness. I'd make him bloody sell the flat or buy me out - might as well live up to his idea of you!

And by law does separated mean not sharing meals, washing, beds etc.

I don't expect we will be doing any of the usual sharing we did when we were married. He's done his weeks food shop today, I will do mine tomorrow. Food and meals will be separate. We will sleep in separate beds. I will not do his housework, I will not ask him to do mine. We can come up with a rota of cleaning if needs must.

If it doesn't work out, then we sell up. But I am cautious if I am not left with enough money to buy elsewhere. I am told him that when we move, I will be taking the dog and most rental and flat shares do not allow pets. In the meantime, I will be saving whatever I have, and I expect he will do the same.

He has agreed to overtime which will increase his monthly income as of next week, so he should be in a good financial position when the time comes to move. I have enquired about picking up extra shifts in a different branch of my work -something I did before- so I could be doing more hours in evenings and weekends to help me get into a better financial position.

Bloody hell, garlic, you're so amazing I want to marry you!

"He said he thought he was just going through the motions." What a horrid, depressing thing to hear. And what a cunt for doing it.

I believe you will have to drive this living together thing, you controlling cow () and also maintain boundaries that protect you. I also believe you can do it! Please don't underestimate the support you'll need. Building your new single life, while still closing off the old coupled one, can be tricky and it helps to be surrounded by people sharing your vision. I've done it twice, very imperfectly, and am looking back on what worked/didn't work.

Don't take responsibility for him.You don't need the reminder, but here it is!