Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

I'm not ruling out him trying it back on. But I will make it clear that it is not what I want. He confirmed his feelings were the same, he felt forced into marriage. If we got back together, I can't get over that, and I won't.

So we are trying to live together. We will stay in separate bedrooms. Eventually we will look at selling the flat, but we have both agreed we need money behind us to do this. He seems to think with the equity in the flat and what the prices are going for locally, we could be looking at about £7k each at the end of it, which will be a start to setting us up elsewhere. It's not ideal, but nothing about the situation is.

You had to spell out all the practicalities of sharing the flat to him?!

He is the one that decided to split. What exactly has he been thinking about all this time, that he never even thought about how the split would work?

Holy fuck, it is amazing this guy can decide to wipe his own arse without you telling him.

Does he expect you to micromanage his divorce for him too? Who is going to organise the bill splitting? The washing machine rota?

Cheeky lazy whiny manchild.

The conversations about equity on the flat, I take it he's looked into this recently??

That's guilt OP, wander what for!
I am sorry for the breakdown of your marriage. Right now you're in shock, you'll go through many emotions over the next few weeks. Stay strong lady x

You were so brave to draw it to a close, to say no sorry I'm not interested in us limping along in limbo land for another few weeks. It is terribly painful to know it is over, the sense of loss must cut you like a knife.

The reality is, your DH isn't such a bad guy. Lets face it, there's no rule book in life, benefit of hindsight is a wonderful thing. I am sure he will look back and kick himself over the way he handled everything thru your marriage, but you are where you are today. Who knows maybe trying for a family was what triggered a chain reaction which made him call a halt to everything.

I wish you the very best in the next chapter of your life. You are very strong and will undoubtedly move forward positively xx

Him saying he was forced into marriage is pathetic and it's basically him rewriting history to justify his actions.

Are you 100% there isn't anyone else?

That is why it will be hard for both of you to remain in he same house. It's blurred boundaries and hard to move on unless you're both crystal clear about what the ground rules are.

Right now he will be confused because you're being so reasonable and calm. He won't have expected that reaction - he was probably bracing for a load of emotion and pleading and tears. Your acceptance will unnerve him and make him question whether he's doing the right thing. This isn't necessarily a conscious thought-process, it's human nature.

Don't give an inch - he will go cold and push you away as soon as you show any crack in your armour.

You are so right garlic, you can't take the milk outa the cappuccino as they say. He has told you too much for it ever to be the same again between you

He was bitter about how he 'only' had 2 days to think! 2 days! Because if I text him one day, he counted that as though he couldn't think that day! I wasn't hounding him with texts, he had plenty of time to think!

I brought up the flat equity as there are 2 in our block for sale. We had looked at the prices before all this started to be nosy at what they were going for, I was eager for us to move to a house in a few years so was interested in the price of our flat. He pays the mortgage so knows how much of this we have paid off.

I don't think he had thought he was making a decision today, so I don't think he put much thought into thinking about how things would work after the decision was made.

I told him to look at his outgoings and to make a note and we shall split it. He's wants to keep use of the car, so we will split this equally too, which will be a huge help for me if I am paying half for everything else. I pressed him to do this btw, he was telling me that it wasn't necessary, but I am clear that I want this to be about boundaries and putting into it fairly so this won't bite me on the bum in future.

I'd ask him to move out for a few days or a week to give you some space.

Good luck with the cohabiting, it wont work. You need a defined split, and for one of you to ideally move out, get the flat on the market now, and start divorce proceedings.

Neither of you will move on otherwise, and he certainly wont that's for sure. I'm guessing as he has no back bone, that you are going to be required to deal with all of this for him?

I did question about whether there was someone else again, from his reaction I know he is telling me the truth. He said that he wasn't like that, and I had a laugh and told him that it doesn't reassure me as this whole thing 'isn't like him'. But I believe him, I don't think there is anyone else.

And he did tell his family.

I feel like I've had the space I need. I know where I am standing now.
If the cohabiting doesnt work (which I agree, there is likely to be some issues) then we will deal with it when it comes. But I need to give it a try. He won't leave, he will be going to a spare room in his sisters which I know he doesnt want. And I know what living at my parents will be like now, and although it was great to have their support, it was making me too dependent on them. I am in a good position, where I can be independent. I will be moving on.

I'd ask him to move out for a few days or a week to give you some space.

A solicitor would most certainly advise him not to now you are separating.

You will need to know how much the mortgage is if you are going to be paying half as you say.

In a short marriage with no dependents you usually take out what you put in and equity I would imagine would be split 50/50 if property is sold.

You will need proper RL legal advise.

Are you starting to wonder what you ever saw in this limp rag of a man?

It sounds as though you provided all the energy in the relationship.

I'm sorry that this is the outcome Garlic, yes he's entitled to end a relationship as is anyone but the way he has gone about it is downright bizarre.

You most certainly have done yourself proud sweetheart.

You are feeling calm because the fear of the unknown has been lifted. Your worst fears have been confirmed.You also have enough self awareness to know that it will not last. But you know what?....you are going to get through all the pain of the next little while, because with every day that passes you will see that this man isn't fit to be your husband.

Make sure that he tells the people close to you that he - not you - has decided to end the marriage.

Now detach.
He is now a flat mate
you have no need to discuss anything about your activities
his needs/ wants are no longer your concern

you are 25 and sound a lovely mature young lady- Prince charming is out there waiting for you--but don't rush. Gather your friends around you, go out and live a bit.

Even if he fell on his knees and begged for another chance l would be saying no--too much has been said that can't he unsaid.

One day l think he will waken up and see just what he has lost, by then it will be too late. His problem.

I think you will find your emotions will be on a roller coaster, from sadness to anger and disbelief. The fact you are dealing with practicalities at an early stage is a good thing, so there can be no ambiguity in his mind you've taken it on board, and it's a wake up call, time to shift gears to a different living arrangement, different mindset altogether.

He is very immature, but often these things don't really surface until the shit hits the fan in life!

He is just relieved you havnt screamed and shouted. He feels that this has gone easy. Be prepared for him to start seeing someone new. Only she won't be new, she will be the reason this has all come about. Then I think you will find your anger.

I'm really impressed by some comments of "now move on, shut off etc I think OP is being really strong but at same time it wouldn't be normal to be able to switch so quickly.

I'd be devastated, I would be looking for him to explain how he can walk away from marriage - commitment made to me without exploring trying to make things work.

I would be angry, let down, devastated!

I'm too sorry he has proved to be a man child, but better to know now than when you have a child.
Just know that living together (I did this a long time ago) after P has jumped ship can be very sad. He is used to you being dynamic, cleaning, fixing, doing the laundry etc. This HAS to stop. You must not provide loo roll if there is none. You must not go & do the shopping because its your car, (yes it's your car & is costing you a lot. would you lied you car to a flat mate? probably not.) he cannot just take it to pop into town. he cannot just take your food from the fridge.HE has checked out.

Also, it will hurt when he goes out with either no or too much, info.
in my experience, it only became bearable when I found a new group of friends & went out & found a new life. I left the country in the end.

Please don't believe him that there is no one else. They all say that.

lied = lend

Please don't believe him that there is no one else

It isn't a given that there is despite what some on MN think

*I'd ask him to move out for a few days or a week to give you some space.

A solicitor would most certainly advise him not to now you are separating.*

Not true. Asking him to move out/stay somewhere else for a few days, is not the same as asking him to move out permanently. It's asking for a bit of breathing space, on both parties involved.

An no, I bet he doesn't want to stay with his sister, that's like too much effort and actually facing what is happening head on. Or is he just 'yeah whatever' head in the sand hoping the situation will disappear?