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Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
53rdAndBird · 30/04/2016 23:00

Hang in there. It is unbelievably shit, but know that whatever happens tomorrow, there is a future somewhere on the other side of this where you're happy.

WendyWolf · 01/05/2016 01:04

Hi,

I am a lurker going through a divorce with a man who won't take any responsibility for his own actions, who has finally read the whole thread! Phew, some great advice given by others here.

I just wanted to say not to pin too many hopes on answers tomorrow. If this man has been capable of hiding how he feels throughout your relationship why is he going to change now?

I think he has been utterly unfair and spineless. I think you are coping amazingly Wine. You mention communication issues previously - why will this suddenly change now with all this extra pressure on? Sorry, I don't think it will and I want you to have a soft landing.

He hasn't even asked how you are. He hasn't felt the need to explain himself to you. He thought he was entitled to carry on in your flat while you were who knows where and alone.

I really feel for you. Please don't blame yourself. I had a husband who did nothing, absolutely nothing, and I ended up in the position of having to do it all - which he then resented me for! I didn't want to! But it placed him in an easy position of blame and avoiding any responsibility.

Well done for trying. You are right too. And you will be able to walk away with your head held high.

Good luck tomorrow, please remember that you deserve the honesty you have shown him. Flowers

AlwaysBeYourself · 01/05/2016 02:15

Is moving in a good idea though Garlic . If you thinks it's sad and difficult now just wait until you are sharing a home with a man who doesn't want you there and is cold towards you. It will wear you down and hurt a lot. As I mentioned before, if your relationship is to stand any chance of recovery then you need time apart with no contact so he can miss you. He hasn't had time to feel that.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 01/05/2016 03:41

Garlic don't forget to have your needs taken u to account as well when you see you husband. This is not all about him and to be honest after displaying such cruelty to you its him who should be trying to sort this out - not you.

NightWanderer · 01/05/2016 04:35

I'm worried for you. Don't fall into the trap of thinking that if you can change then you can fix this and everything will be fine. If he changed so suddenly the most likely scenario is that he's met someone else. Keep things open with your parents. I'm sure they are starting to see the reality of the situation. I'm sure they love you and will support you through this.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 01/05/2016 06:14

He maybe won't give me all (or any!) of the answers that I think I need, but I will need to press him to answer about not wanting to be married and feeling forced into it. I just can't get over that. To me, that is one thing that couldn't be fixed by better communication, it's already happened and if he going to resent me for it forever, then we have nothing to base a future on.
I'm not going to a force a decision on him, but I will ask him to question his feelings for me when he has not cared in the slightest about how I have felt this week.
Moving back might be a mistake, but it's something I need to go through for the sake of keeping things open with my parents and showing my husband that I won't be walked all over. If I go back, and there's no chance of things getting fixed, then I explain that to my parents, but I think for them they need to see that I have tried, and I do understand where they are coming from.

OP posts:
Lightattheend · 01/05/2016 07:17

I have been where you are too and I'm thinking of you. Glad you are going back, its your home and you did nothing wrong. Remember the lack of interest he has shown you, I know it hurts but there lies his true feelings. We are with you today whatever happens garlic.Flowers

rainbowstardrops · 01/05/2016 07:30

Good luck today garlic. Stay strong Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 01/05/2016 08:02

I really hope he can open up,talk and be honest with you.
Good luck today.
Thinking of you 🌷🌷

cherrypepsimax · 01/05/2016 08:03

Good luck today.

daisychain01 · 01/05/2016 08:13

I hope your day proves to be positive and moves things forward.

Think of yourself, your happiness is really important.

2boysnamedR · 01/05/2016 08:16

Good luck for today

RoseBud2016 · 01/05/2016 08:27

I've been following your story from the beginning, and have been in a very similar position to you when I was around the same age (although we weren't married).

For me, moving back in together told me everything I needed to know very very quickly. Whichever way things go, today is the start of getting answers and moving on with your future; whether that's with or without him.

Good luck! Stay calm but don't take any bullshit.

Labradorlover01 · 01/05/2016 08:40

Hope he treats you with the respect you deserve today, your doing amazingly Flowers

WendyWolf · 01/05/2016 08:40

I understand why you are moving back in. I think you have made the right moves so far FWIW. You have been rational and calm, taken on board all advice (and criticism) here and been very strong.

Please try to stay in the middle of the road though. Of course there are faults on both sides that is normal - actually I'm not sure he has seen any at all on his side?! I hope you get somewhere today. We are all here for you whatever. Follow your gut Flowers

Rosyglow74 · 01/05/2016 08:50

Take my hand sweetie. You are not alone.x.💜

Storminateapot · 01/05/2016 08:50

Just popping in to wish you luck. Flowers

shoeaddict83 · 01/05/2016 08:52

Good luck for today garlic

Funko · 01/05/2016 09:04

Another one adding in good luck to you.

However it goes, even if he is still likely to be saying and doing nothing... Have a little plan in your head for it.

if the conversation is going nowhere, go and sort the spare room exactly as you want it and settle in for the night with a glass of wine and a dvd on his playstation. You've said you want to be back in your home and be settled to go to work on Tuesday so plan for that. There's a good chance he doesn't believe you will move back in....

paddypants13 · 01/05/2016 09:05

All the best for today Garlic. Keep your cool and think about the happy future you will have whatever happens with your marriage. x

AgathaF · 01/05/2016 09:18

Good luck for today. I hope you get some answers.

mix56 · 01/05/2016 09:20

Just remember to breath ! no "tit for tat" unthought replies.
you say I miss my husband. I want my life back.
I fear he will have established he hasn't missed you, & he wants his life back too. & will try & make you declare the rupture.

I think he is shallow, spineless & may have been "pushed" a bit. but as he is shallow & spineless was too childish to make & act upon his own decisions, & now is having an Emotional affair with someone at work, which may well not be reciprocated. but marriage is about sharing, evolving, compromises & change.
It seems he is so infantile he didn't realise this. for him it was frequent sex & a cleaner. I don't think he is who you thought he was

BustingOut · 01/05/2016 09:28

Hope you get the answers you need today garlic

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 01/05/2016 09:34

I'm worried that he'll see this as something else you've forced - you'll be moving back in and you've requested a conversation to help him decide. He'll probably say he hasn't decided anything and has nothing more to say, you have nothing to help him with because you're flying blind. He's not likely to volunteer more information about being forced into marriage, and it's incredibly unlikely that he'll do a complete uturn and say he wasn't forced.

You may have to accept that you get no answers here. Remember that inactivity is still a decision, though. He can decide to talk to you and try and work on the marriage or he can decide to walk away - or he can decide to do exactly nothing more and it'll break apart anyway but without any effort on his side. Maybe he's hoping that option stops him having to explain. Maybe he's hoping he can then tell people that you drifted apart with a nugget of truth in it.

I'm 25 too and it's only in the last year that I've learnt to live with not knowing. It's hard. It may be that the conversation tomorrow gives you nothing, though, and then you have to live in the same home as him. Steel yourself for that or the hurt or being treated so coldly will destroy you. It will be much harder not to push him for a decision or try to talk him round if you're physically around him.

For what it's worth, I don't think I could forgive him for not making sure you're okay. I think he would have, if there was any love left. The fact that he's so easily switched to not caring suggests that the love died some time ago and it's likely too late to fix that. Most people can't go from in love to icey indifference in hours.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 01/05/2016 09:37

Wishing you luck and courage today garlic