Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Good luck today garlic. I do agree with others that you shouldn't set your expectations too high as you may get no more answers. With how he's been so far I'd also be concerned that he won't be there when you arrive in order to avoid a conversation all together. Hope I'm wrong....

Good luck OP x

Good luck garlic x

Garlic, I hope you do get some answers today, I think you may need to push to get them but just be careful of putting words in his mouth, ask questions then wait for his answer.

How is everything with your family since you said you were moving back?

Good luck today Garlic, thinking of you

I really hope today is everything you need, garlic.

You're stronger than your husband. Remember that.

I hope you get the answers you need

Thanks so much everyone for the kind wishes and support.

He criticised me for not staying longer on Monday to discuss things, so I hope that means HE had things he wanted to talk about. Obviously at the time, I felt he didn't.

His lack of caring is a huge concern to me. And I'm not expecting to walk back in to open arms and a big apology (ohhh how I wish I was!). But I want him to own up to his actions and recognise what feels he has in order to be treating me this way.

It was a fear that I turn up and he isn't there. But I doubt he will do that. That will be seen as him running away from a conversation, and after he accused me of that on Monday, I doubt he will be likely to do the exact same thing.

My family have been much better since I told them I was going back home. They haven't brought anything up to do with it. So I hope they see me making this step to try to fix things and know that this wasn't my doing and I'm not willing to put in the effort.

He's blaming you garlic. I don't think it's unreasonable for you to leave when your husband says he never wanted to marry you etc! And made you wait it agony to hear that. Too much 'me, me, me' in this relationship (from him).

Don't forget that even though he is implying that you steam rollered him in this relationship, he was there too! He is using excuses like him being 'too laid back' and that you 'were pushy' (did he use that word pushy? Sorry, paraphrasing I think but that seemed to be the implication early in the thread).

It seems to me he has encouraged let you make all decisions so that leaves him completely blame/responsibility free.

I think you are damned if you do and damned if you don't today. If you make a decision you are being pushy, if you don't he will fart about and make no decisions himself, leaving you in the same limbo.

I wish you all the best and will be thinking of you. It is a devil of a situation

I hope your move goes well today and your conversations give clearer ideas.

OP I thought you wrote previously that your husband proposed to you when you bought your flat. If that is the case how can he say you pushed him into marriage?

Before we purchased our flat, I had a whole thing about how I didn't want to purchase a property together until we were married. I relaxed this at the time as it made financial sense , we found a lovely flat and I felt secure in our relationship. At the time though, I did made clear that I was expecting a proposal and marriage in the future as I had made very clear that is where I seen the relationship going. I suspect he might use that as an argument that he was forced. But I see that as if it wasn't what he wanted, then it should have been clear at the time, and he shouldn't have proposed 'just to make me happy' (if that is how he sees it). He had time to buy a ring and think about proposing and almost two years planning the wedding for him to tell me that it wasn't what he wanted. He didn't.

Good luck today Garlic

You didn't have unrealistic expectations garlic. Good luck today. When are you going?

Perhaps, Garlic, but it sounds like he was the driving force behind the purchase of the flat, if you were attempting to put the brakes on at that without further commitment. He had the opportunity right there to say "whoops, nope, not ready for that, let's rent." Did he?

Your expectations of relationship security after the purchase of a property as not unrealistic Garlic, and if he tries to twist it that way, the man is a fool.

I would be highly insulted if he states anything like you've suggested about being forced into the proposal out of your expectations after purchasing the flat after you'd already stated that you wanted relationship security BEFORE jointly purchasing a property because to me that screams of using you as a means to an end to get a flat he liked. Possibly I'm reading too much into this, and I hope to god that I am because if he has acted like that then he is a disgusting person and you should not waste one more second on this man.

FWIW, my ex did this to me. He had a CCJ and couldn't get a mortgage, so he twisted my arm into buying a house with him as my credit score enabled us to get a mortgage. Less than 2 months after we had the keys to the house, the relationship was in the gutter because he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore and thought purchasing the property would fix things apparently. The property still isn't sorted out to this day - grrrr.

Maybe it's all too much like real life to him. He was up for it until the pressure of ttc. Sounds like he would just rather spend his time never really taking any responsibility- letting you do it all, seeing his mates and playing his computer games. Better to have found out before the babies came. I hope he reverts to the caring guy you felt that he always was before when you talk today

I am hoping to leave around 12, should be there for about 12.30. Just been cleaning the bathroom as a nice thing for my parents for letting me stay.
We already did rent for a year, and we had no issues living together. He was keen to buy somewhere, so we weren't wasting money on rent and it made sense. We got our beautiful flat, and the mortgage was the same as what we were paying for renting a really tiny, crummy place. I felt reassured in our relationship, I was happy to go ahead, but I still was very clear that I expected us to be married one day, so he should have put the brakes on then, assuming he knew at that point he wasn't ready.

Damn right. You didn't force him into anything, he was (and is) a grown man.

I don't think he did it so we had our flat together. We were in the flat almost two years before we got married, so he still had plenty time to call it off if it was for that reason.

I am so thankful that we don't have children in this situation. It's complicated enough with our little dog and I feel so guilty that his daddy is an utter arse and not even asking after him.

He may not really have reasons, Garlic. He could have been happy to go with your flow - until he wasn't. Until that switch flipped. He fancied a flat, you wanted marriage, he went along - now we realises he's married, ttc, and maybe he just doesn't like the responsibility, the pressures, the growing up.

It's OK for you to have wanted marriage, or a sofa, or children. Without hanging back until those things occur to him.

I don't think he wants to work on the marriage, I don't think he's going to surprise you with anything positive.

What comes next? Will he do the decent thing and move out - or dig in his heels and try to wait you out?

Ultimately, do you want the flat? Can he buy you out? Or must it be sold?

I hate to think of you forced to share living space with him while you try to mourn and get your life back together.