Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

[garlicbreathing]

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

Sorry!
I'm really feeling very anxious for tomorrow. I so want to know where I stand and I fear if he hasn't decided then I just decide for him.

I'd be saying to him 'you NEED to contribute to this conversation, I'm not making decisions for both of us' If he can't, then at least you'll know. He needs to be constructive - telling you what you've done 'wrong' isn't what you need at this stage

A few things worry me about your DH OP. The lack of motivation (does he just procrastinate generally) and the unwilling to commit to future plans (I can sort of see re joint savings account but not re holiday etc).

For the amount of time you've been together and engaged and married this would seriously worry me! Did you suggest moving on, buying a flat etc or was he railroaded into it?

He really doesn't seem at all mature for his age and sadly men of this type generally don't change, at least not until it's too late, or then when they're in their late 30s/40s they magically settle down as all their mates have done it now and had kids etc and it's harder to pull as a sad fucker at that age. In fact 3 men I know who are finally married at 40 and 46 and 41/42 respectively spent years rushing around dating younger very attractive women, the 41/42 year old dated a couple at a time, then the 40 year old met someone who was his match but also who he felt secure with (he was very insecure deep down), the 46 year old dated a woman a similar age to him with a DD but also someone who stood up to him (he proudly said about some of his exes that they were younger, more attractive and not as clever as he thought he was... and the 41/42 year old had lots of female friends etc until he wanted to date me (I said no, not whilst you're dating 2 women), then he ditched one, kept another, I went off with someone else meantime, then he moved abroad for work met someone younger who insisted the female friends were ditched (which he did) and got tough with him, he got engaged soon after and also she needed marriage to stay in UK with him.

What I'm saying is some men aren't ready or are ready at very different stages for marriage - you can't compartmentalise them and you can't change them.

If you wait years for him to deal with his issues you could be missing out on the man of your dreams whilst your DH here potters along getting older and older, divorced now, lonely whilst you're with someone great.

Think about this, it is very very hard to get someone especially a man to change their mind when they don't want to do this!

And telling him what he NEEDS to do isn't either. I had a boss that uses that phrase

garlic Try and chill out. This whole thing might have been at his own instigation but he doesn't hold all the cards.

I'd let him speak first and if he still undecided then I'd hold your shit together and just say fine. No forcing a discussion but I would ask him to grab some things and stay else where for a while as this this not down to you.

I'd be tempted not to let him push you in to finishing it. Then you can't get the blame.

After this point for me the situation would change and it should be him working at sorting stuff out. You have give him a weeks grace and now he needs to man up - either way.

I so want to know where I stand and I fear if he hasn't decided then I just decide for him.

So you just don't. Any decision you make should and will be for YOU, because it's what YOU want. And if you are not ready to make that decision, then don't do anything that would put you in that position. Even if all that happens tomorrow is that you say "What now?" and then the two of you sit and stare at each other, you still don't have to make a decision. It would be nice if tomorrow everything would be decided, but considering how he appears to be, I'd give that a 10% chance. More likely it will be a conversation of blame and 'don't push me' because he's too much a coward to tell you what he really thinks and wants. You can look also for him to try to infuriate you so that you are the one to say "I'm done!!!".

Listen I hate shilly-shallying with a passion. I want things neat and orderly. I hate living with a feeling of the unknown. Your situation would drive me up a wall. But I also know that if I want someone else to be involved in things, if I want that someone to make their own decision, that I may have to zip it for a while and see what happens. What we don't want to do is bully or rant or beg or nag for them to do something, say something, anything. Because all that does is reinforce their indecisiveness or their belief that we are 'human bulldozers'.

In a way, you do know where you stand. Right now, you stand alone. But you stand alone with the ability to make your own decision. You're just choosing to wait a while before you do.

"I fear if he hasn't decided then I just decide for him"

If you do this Garlic, I - and I bet a lot of others - are going to be very disappointed in you. There is very little about this situation that is normal. No spontaneity, no emotion. Despite all that, you are still in control of your own future.....as long as you keep your head, and make sure the person who has created this stand off, your husband, is the one who makes the final decision. He seems to be waiting for someone to tell him what to do......for God's sake, don't be that person. To do so is leaving him free to say "She forced me again".

To do so is leaving him free to say "She forced me again".

Piffle. He'll say that no matter what. In his mind, it's always everyone else's fault. If she leaves him, he'll say it's her fault. If she stays, he'll say it's her fault because it's putting pressure on him to make the decision himself.

The best course of action is to sit down, figure out what you want, listen to what he has to say, consider it, and then make your own decision. I can't sit and tell someone to patiently wait and see if their spouse has decided yet to display some human qualities and if they're still dithering, then wait around until he does. I think she'll eventually find out there's more to this than what's on the surface.

What does it matter if garlic's switcheroo husband won't make a decision?
She's still perfectly entitled to decide she'd rather not be married to a stonewalling whiner, and end it.

I don't want to be played for a mug. Whatever issues my husband has, he had no right to treat me like. But until I get the full story, I can't make the decision to end this, because something has to be going on, and maybe it can be fixed.

I'm not sure you will get the full story. I have a feeling tomorrow may be a bit if a let down

I really hope I get more information than i have now. I don't know how I'll be able to process my kind loving husband turning into a stranger practically over night.

So do I, your mind must be going round and round, its a horrible feeling. I bet you are playing every scenario in your head

No matter what, my dog will always be with me!
Yay - he's the important one, the H sounds like a spineless knob tbh, I'd take the dog over him any day! x

Terribly sorry, garlic, I didn't mean it doesn't matter if he doesn't come clean Only that you don't have to keep hanging around in limbo for the sake of not being the one to call time. I know you know that ... I, too, hope you'll get what you need.

I'm not overly optimistic, tbh. I fear anything you do get may be some codswallop cooked up over tonight's beers. But I seriously hope it's enough.

As ever, feeling for you and admiring your common sense.

I'm not overly optimistic, tbh. I fear anything you do get may be some codswallop cooked up over tonight's beers. But I seriously hope it's enough.

That's what I think may happen also.

I think you shouldn't hold your breath. I don't think you're going to get much of an explanation dealing in 'I' statements, other than 'I am unhappy'. I think you're going to get a lot of 'You' statements. And only you can decide how much validity there is in them. He's not likely to say "I am cheating on you" or "I am unable to make a decision but don't like it when you do". He's also not going to say he was wrong to say he was 'forced' into things. I just don't think he has the balls to be honest.

Really, in the long run, 'why' doesn't matter. Either he wants to be in the marriage or he does not. Why he doesn't isn't really important. The fact that he doesn't (if that's how it turns out) is all that matters and enough to call 'time'.

So what's actually happening tomorrow? Are you moving back in? Or just meeting to talk?

Im going to be moving back in. And I've pressed for us to have a conversation to help him make a decision.
I'm still clueless to my husband's plans. Whether he will also be staying in the flat, or going to stay elsewhere. I just don't know.

I'm feeling sick. I'm back to work on Tuesday, I need to be prepared for this otherwise I'm going to be an utter mess.

I really hope you do get some answers tomorrow because as things stand, you haven't a hope in hell of moving on. Of course you can make the decision to call time, that has never been in any doubt, and doesn't need saying. However, despite the awful way you have been treated over the last couple of weeks, you have to weigh it against the previous years. Without answers, that is going to be very difficult to do, and will always affect any efforts to move on with your life. You are worth so much more than this though.

Despite how well I thought I've been coping these last few days, I just don't know if I can handle this. I wish that I didn't need to go through this.
I was so, so happy. All I ever wanted was just to make us into a proper family, I really thought I was so lucky to have an amazing husband. I don't even know who this person is any more.

I'm sorry, I'm just having a really sad night. I miss my husband. I want my life back.

From your final post it really seems as if you do not know your DH at all and he's realised this and realised he's not happy.

You thought you were happy but obviously he wasn't, you maybe need to work on those issues if you blithely thought everything was ok and you're not taking his needs and wants into consideration along with your own needs and wants. Communication is key here and it seems as though you have maybe stuck your head in the sand and carried on and not seen warning signs.

I think it's quite unfair to blame everything on him as you're both in this marriage together, I can see how you may have tried to overlook problems but as you've seen they're now rising to the surface. I do think he has been to blame too but like a few other posters have said there must be a backstory, or at least from his side, it also seems like he finds it hard talking and communicating with you. Maybe he goes along with your plans etc for an easy life.

You say there's no marriage guidance counsellors in your area, well there must be therapists who will take on couples for counselling and I strongly suggest you consider this and mention this to him tomorrow if you want your marriage to work.

I'm not trying to be harsh here I'm just trying to get you to see things from his perspective if you really really want things to work at all.

I have said that I missed signs of his unhappiness, but by my husbands own admission 'he's just too bloody laid back'. So even if I had spotted the signs, I perhaps dismissed them as he maybe isn't bothered. But yes, we do absolutely need to work on our communication. I just fear that it's went too far for him now and there won't be a way back to try and fix what's went wrong. And I really, really didn't know things had went this far. I would have tried so hard to fix things before they got to this stage. I can't take the blame for not fixing things I didn't realise were wrong. But I do see things from his perspective. I know that there are things now which I did that he was unhappy with, but never did I think it was serious enough to risk our marriage over.

I said there was no Relate in my area, after many posters helpfully posted links to that organisation. There are marriage counsellors, which I will be suggesting to my husband if he does decide that our marriage could be fixed.

If he sticks by what he said about me forcing him into marriage though and him not being ready and wanting it, I don't see where I can go from here. Everything else in my eyes can be fixed with proper communication and addressing the issues, but unless he didn't mean that, to me there isn't an option to stay married to this man when the foundation to our relationship is so unstable.

I'm so sorry, I can't even begin to imagine how hard this is. I really hope you get some clarity tomorrow - I hope he says something tangible.

Stay strong garlic! You're doing amazingly and its natural to go through waves of fear and feeling anxious. Thinking of you tomorrow

Garlic you sound like you're having an awfully tough night tonight. It's natural to feel like this, though I know it doesn't make it any easier for you right now.

Just know there's a lot of us here extending virtual hands to hold tonight, tomorrow and whenever you need them. You'll be in a lot of people's thoughts tomorrow, and it goes without saying that we're all hoping that you and H are able to talk properly so you can get some answers, whatever they may be.

You're doing wonderfully holding everything together, you're being so strong to have been able to do this amount of soul searching so soon. I've known it take people months to have those realisations, and some never have them at all.