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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:

Christinayangstwistedsista · 30/04/2016 09:59

I think, on Sunday, I would be telling him that you need space. Space to consider why you would want a life with a weak, selfish , egotistical liar. A man who deals with his problems by treating you with coldness and disdain, a man who blames you for everything in life and refuses to communicate with you

daisychain01 · 30/04/2016 09:59

Garlic you have your whole life ahead of you. Your DH is at this point becoming a millstone round your neck. He's told you you're "not wanted on voyage" so whatever you get out of him tomorrow, there'll be no new news.

Although it feels like your life is on hold, it has only been a few days, so tomorrow is either going to be a definite line in the sand ie the relationship is over, or else he may try to drag it all out longer at which point you can start calling the shots, because you'll know he really is just being a time - waster. And you can say you're not interested in hanging about any longer while he plays the precious little snow flake freezing you out while he plans his next move bollox to that

Christinayangstwistedsista · 30/04/2016 10:00

anyfucker

Bet he is called Ian......

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 10:03

Yeah

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/04/2016 10:05

Yep!!!

GingerIvy · 30/04/2016 10:20

He seems to avoid making decisions so he doesn't have to claim responsibility for them. Then he can sit back and place the blame elsewhere, instead of being a grown up and being responsible for his own choices.

Are you CERTAIN that you want him back? You may find that now you are seeing him in a new light you may not have the patience to deal with this type of childish behaviour. It would drive me crazy.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2016 11:35

^^This.

If there were things he didn't want to do, I am sure he knows how to form the word 'No'.

He sounds spineless and wet and now he's turning that back on you so he doesn't look spineless and wet.

Zucker · 30/04/2016 11:54

If he does choose you tomorrow? As this is what this all boils down to isn't it, whether he thinks it's worth his effort to stay or leave. Will you be able to forgive the coldness he has shown you with no effort at all?

I my shoes I wouldn't allow him to decide that he gets to keep me. Until of course he has the next wobble when the 1st, 2nd, 3rd child is born. Who knows!

rockabillyruby82 · 30/04/2016 12:08

Zucker you've said what I was thinking. OP, it's great that you're staying open minded but have you really thought about your marriage long term? Even with CC your DHs revelations will alter the dynamic in your relationship. Can you live with those 'what ifs'? What he has said cannot be erased. Sure you can rebuild, you can change and 'fix' what's wrong. But it will always play on your mind, you might even be waiting for the next time he feels this way. Me and my STBXH tried again (should not have bothered, long story!) but I knew we wouldn't go the distance, he'd essentially put an expiry date on our marriage.

Zaphodsotherhead · 30/04/2016 12:13

I know you were very young when you both got together, garlic, but he wasn't a great deal older and, if he's a late maturer, then maybe he started out in the relationship being 'a little boy' and needing to be told things (what to do, when to tidy up etc), but now he feels he's grown up and he's all mature and doesn't need to be 'nagged' any more - he wants his own life...

Pretty much word for word what my XH did to me, complete with the 'switch flipping' from being tactile, affectionate and communicative to hostile, cold and withdrawn.

All he's going to do is find himself another person to tell him what to do now. Some men think they're all grown up and want to be responsible for their own lives, but really they are still little boys who want 'mummy' to take ultimate control of life.

Maybe I'm just projecting - but I've seen it a lot.

NotnowNigel · 30/04/2016 13:22

OP, I wouldn't get your hopes up for the talk tomorrow.

His hostility yesterday will not change in 48 hours.

I think Ginger has hit the nail on the head saying he doesn't want to admit and take responsibility for being the one to end the marriage. Therefore he will be critical and angry with you to put the blame on you. He's already started down that road.

You must protect yourself and be prepared for that. All of which will mean you will expect him to say it's over. But he won't actually come out and say it because he's too cowardly. He will want it to drift along until you just accept that it is and go away. It will feel very confusing because you will still have the hope to get back together because he hasn't actually said he doesn't want to.

I think you should go tomorrow with a clear plan, that if the conversation goes along these lines you will shut it down to protect your own feelings and well-being. And either get him to leave for a week, or leave again yourself.

Hand on to your strength and dignity Garlic, that really is the best way to get through this without compromising yourself or being left with self-recriminations and regret.

GingerIvy · 30/04/2016 13:31

OP - I would seriously take tonight and tomorrow to think to yourself what YOU want. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? Wondering if any decision you make or any opinion you offer is going to be lambasted later on as "controlling" when you should have an equal say in things? Because I could see how this could be used by him to control you - every time you say or do something he doesn't like, he'll pull out the "you're trying to force your opinion on me" whinge and firmly squash you back in your box. You will spend the rest of your life second guessing EVERYTHING you say.

Think about what you want. Think about whether you honestly think he can be part of that, fully and without recriminations years later.

In this instance, it is absolutely okay for you to take control of your own life. If this is not what you want, then make your own decision. Because regardless of what HE decides, YOU still have a decision to make. The decision is this: Even if he DOES want to try again, DO YOU? Put aside guilt, put aside his complaints about you not listening because he is a grown adult and he could have talked to you about this at any time and made himself be heard. Clinical dissection of what's happened, how he's behaving now, and how it will likely go in the future. If that's not what you want, don't wait for him to decide your life. Make your own decision.

Personally, it sounds like he is enjoying the power of being able to keep you off balance, and that's concerning.

Rosyglow74 · 30/04/2016 13:43

Garlic, once again I urge you to be very careful when you finally have "the talk". I truly don't think he's done the in depth soul searching that you have. He has passively decided he is unhappy with marriage to you....the one you forced him into. He appears to be just waiting for you to "force" him into ending it. He has to be the one to open, then continue communication, without your thoughts initially.

AcrossthePond55 · 30/04/2016 14:24

I do think others are right. When you talk tomorrow, it's probably rather likely that he'll moan and complain about you, life, and his misplaced 'happiness' but won't actually have made a decision. He'll just list his various 'ishyoos' and your various 'flaws' and wait for you to make the decision for him so he can walk away 'blameless'. So don't take any indecisiveness on his part for anything other than laziness and immaturity. And don't feel that you have to solve any problems he has or sees or make any decisions that you are not ready to make. Simply repeat "I see. And what do you want to do about that?" or "Considering what you've just said, do you see us to having a future together?". If some of his criticisms ring true with you and you feel he has some valid points (none of us are perfect, after all) then I think the most I'd say would be "Would you consider couple's counseling to help resolve 'XYZ'?.

Unless and until you are ready (down to your soul) to say 'I am done with this', then don't say it. If you aren't ready to end it, let make him say the words.

But conversely, if he does say that he's done, accept it. Maintain your dignity and let him go.

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 15:03

Was able to take my mind off things, I went a big long walk with my mum and the dog, 8 miles! Utterly knackered now.
I appreciate all your advice so far. I just don't know if I could realistically give up, without even trying to sort things out. It's different if he makes that decision. And I will accept it, I'll be upset. But I won't question his decision.

OP posts:

Atenco · 30/04/2016 15:03

What excellent food for thought from the above posters.

I wish mumsnet had been around when I was young.

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 15:10

The advice on here has been invaluable in helping me deal with this situation. Especially when I've been feeling like my family haven't got my back 100%.
I'll maybe need to direct my husband onto here to post and talk through all his thoughts to get the same level of insight that I have. I hope he has been thinking about what he really wants. If he hasn't, then I do really think I will be telling him to question that, as if he did really love me he wouldn't put me through weeks of no contact and waiting around for him.

OP posts:

GingerIvy · 30/04/2016 15:16

I think you will find that all of the problems that he brings up will require YOU to make changes.

You need to remember one thing. He is responsible for his own happiness.

A4Document · 30/04/2016 15:16

Specify what you would like to happen. E.g. "I would like to work things out in our marriage and go for relationship counselling. I'd like this to begin within the next 3 weeks. What would you like to happen next?"

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 15:24

If he can't take responsibility for some of these issues, then I will again be questioning whether this is something I want to put myself through.
I think it is a good idea having an ideal outcome in my mind (or two, to account for either fixing it or breaking up).

OP posts:

mix56 · 30/04/2016 15:38

I think he must take the lead here, he switched the switch & was cold for a week, he then dropped the bomb, then has had another week "to think" if there is anything he wants to retrieve.
You haven't pushed, but you haven't got anywhere else to go, so if he needs more time he must find his alternative space. (don't make it too easy)
He has avoided you, & seems not to consider your feelings at all. is he always so childish ? not really grown up behaviour.
Anyway, if he sits on the sofa, wordless & waits for you to talk it out of him, I think you need to say, "this is your game, play on".
remember that You are the one who has had the stress at fertility clinic, he said he wanted kids, he won't ever know what it was like for you & it is just a tad one sided to decide it's not what you wanted when in fact you said you did !
also only 6 days ago you said I questioned him about whether I did something, or if he is upset about something but he denied anything was wrong. I asked if he loves me, he said he did.

So he now has the occasion to spit it out. tell you what he wants, or doesn't want, whether he has just written of all those years overnight, & if there is a OW, or potential OW, or not. because lying now, whether it is all over, or he want to work it out, is pointless.

DarrenHardysDrongo · 30/04/2016 15:45

I'll maybe need to direct my husband onto here to post and talk through all his thoughts to get the same level of insight that I have.

Please don't tell him to come to MN for advice! He says he's already feeling controlled, that's his excuse for this behaviour, I really don't think it's a good idea for you to do suggest this.

At some point you may find it appropriate to mention that you posted here and feel you received good insight. he's perfectly free to make his own thread but it has to come from him. No 'directing' from you. let him find his own way OP

(need to say for the sake of transparency that I have already commented earlier in the threads but have since NC).

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 15:46

I couldn't agree more mix. He will need to do the talking. I'll only respond, but he needs to tell me the deep issues why he's unhappy. And it'll be down to himm to decide if he wants to work through them, or if he resents me so much for forcing the marriage on him when he didn't want it and wasn't ready.

OP posts:

Original poster

garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 15:50

I was just kidding when I said I would direct him here. It would cause more issues than ever, I suspect he would feel like he has no privacy.
This wouldn't be a place he would think to come for advice.

OP posts:

DarrenHardysDrongo · 30/04/2016 15:52

Ok OP. You sounded completely serious. Glad to hear it.

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