Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 07:25

Thank you all.

Thinking back now, I could pick up on a few things which could have reflected his unhappiness, but then at the same time I can think of many things which would have contradicted this. He seemed unwilling to commit to plans in the future, like booking a holiday, getting a joint savings account. But at the same time, he was still loving and affectionate with me. We still had our jokes, it's one of the best things about our relationship, our sense of humour. I worry now that he used humour to cover up for things when he was really unhappy, and I didn't take it seriously.

OP posts:
tiredvommachine · 30/04/2016 07:40

Garlic Look after yourself Flowers

Christinayangstwistedsista · 30/04/2016 08:09

You couldn't have known, it was up to him to tell you

You sound strong enough to move on, if that is the way it is going to go

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 08:37

I just wish it was tomorrow already. I hate playing this waiting game, not knowing what to prepare myself for.
I think I had pretty much resigned myself to the fact that it is over, but when he's still thinking, there's still the chance. I'm going to turn myself inside out trying to think of the different ways in which we can make it work, but there's no point. I can't decide anything on my own. Just feels like a death sentence hanging over me at this point.
Fuck him and his stupid, stupid indecisiveness.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 30/04/2016 08:40

See him today then. Stop dancing to his tune, especially when he's shown you no consideration. He's not being indecisive as he's genuinely in turmoil. He's probably trying to work out least stress on him with best outcome

Brightside65 · 30/04/2016 08:47

At this stage I'd stop focusing on what you think you've done to contribute to this! Your husband pulled the floor from under your feet - and continues to leave you waiting on his decision making! He should have spoken to you yesterday. His distance speaks volumes and I would be getting angry about that.

This is his doing at this stage, he's not communicated to you, he's let things built up and shocked you and now happy to see you hurt.

You wouldn't treat your worse enemy like this, leaving them out their home without much contact. Waiting. He knows what he wants another day won't matter.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 08:50

I'm going to give him today, and he can talk with his friends and hopefully understand more of what he wants. After tomorrow, I really hope we end up in a position where I am standing on my own two feet and taking more control of the situation. But at this point, I need to see if he can do it himself, and I think he needs to see that too, seeing as this has been the entire basis of his 'unhappiness'.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 09:04

At least I have my little fluff ball throughout all of this. Not once has my husband asked how he is since I took him on Tuesday. No matter what, my dog will always be with me!

OP posts:
mix56 · 30/04/2016 09:10

"I need to see if he can do it himself, and I think he needs to see that too, seeing as this has been the entire basis of his 'unhappiness'

Yes, I expect he will sit on the sofa waiting for you to give him the directions. He hasn't got the gumption to come out clearly say what he wants.

Nagging is a word that people use, but only because they have no motivation, pro activeness & rely on others to chaperone them through their lives.

Cloudstasteofmash · 30/04/2016 09:19

One whose partner meets all of his responsibilities - emotional and practical - without having to be told, reminded nagged. You know, the guy who just goes "I got this

Well, I did laugh when I read this. How lucky you perfect women with your perfect husbands are. I'm sorry but nobody is *that^ fucking perfect. Grin

We are all human, we all make mistakes, we all fuck up, we all carry on.

Iamdobby63 · 30/04/2016 09:21

I agree with you Garlic, although today is hard you must wait until tomorrow as you agreed.

You have every right to ask questions and push for the answers.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 09:26

I do agree my husband has very little motivation. He will moan about things, but do absolutely nothing about them, unless I do have to hold his hand through it. He doesn't act like a 33 year old man, he will do things in the house, but I have to tell him what to do as "he doesn't know they need done". This might encourage him to find his own independence and live like an actual grown up for a change.

OP posts:
BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 30/04/2016 09:31

So he's talking to his friends and even to your brother, about your marriage, but not to you.
You mentioned yesterday that he has actually talked to your brother, telling him he's not happy. When did this conversation take place?

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 09:36

From what I gather from my brother, he wasn't saying much. Certainly not anything he didn't talk to me about on Monday, it was just a repeat basically, although he did not mention the feeling he was forced into marriage and didn't want that, my brother was surprised by that when I told him. This conversation took place on Wednesday evening. My brother had messaged him asking my husband to phone him when he was at my parents, but he didn't phone him until hours later when he was driving back to his own home. I only found this out yesterday when I spoke to my brother in person.

If he really does think I force him into things, and he doesn't have a say in anything, then I sort of understand why he needs time to think before he gets rushed into a decision he doesn't want. I don't know why it takes weeks to think, but as some pp's have said, as soon as that switch is flipped, it can't be flipped back. I think he's trying to see if his feelings maybe can be reversed.

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 30/04/2016 09:41

Forced into marriage!!!!!! This statement really pisses me off, did you drag him up the aisle with a shotgun????? No, thought not

That statement makes him seem weak and spineless....the man/ child is needing to grow a pair

He's let you happily jog along, make plans, build a life, plan for a family, meanwhile he's sitting cowering in the corner....I don't think so

Iamdobby63 · 30/04/2016 09:45

When your brother told him to 'grow a pair', what was that in response to?

I find the whole 'pushed into marriage' very hard to believe, it might be his true feelings but it's probably the worse thing you can do/say to someone... What a waste of someone's life! And then add to that if you hadn't had trouble conceiving then a child would have been brought into it. It's not good enough.

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/04/2016 09:45

Garlic you could be describing many men that women complain about here on MN. There is even a thread going on now about Men who don't do anything unless told to . It doesn't seem to be an age thing. It could be that you have always made the decisions so he has never bothered.

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/04/2016 09:46

He wasn't pushed into marriage though he is just rewriting their shared history to explain to himself why he no longer feels " in love "

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 09:49

It's truly pathetic. All these passive men with no mind of their own forcing their female partners to micro manage them.

Kidnapped · 30/04/2016 09:49

That annoyed me also, Christina.

He's blaming the OP for his own actions. Not acceptable.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 30/04/2016 09:50

I think he agreed that he did indeed need to 'man up'. I didn't really press too hard on every detail of the conversation. I was pretty surprised that he did actually phone my brother back. My dad tried to speak to him on facebook, but he's ignored that message.

I thank god that we didn't conceive a child. I am confident that it would have made this 100% worse, and possibly would have lead to have just plodding on with this life for years before claiming 'unhappiness', wasting even more of my life with someone who doesn't want to be with me.

OP posts:
BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 30/04/2016 09:52

I wish your brother had told you straight away though, as it wasn't until last night and that's an extra couple of days you were thinking that your H was ignoring his text too. And if you'd known that he'd been in touch already it may have changed how you approached seeing your H yesterday.
I hope you've now made it completely clear to your family that they must butt out. You need them for support, not for interfering.

Him talking to his friends and to your brother, but not to you, makes me think he's not trying to explore ways to 'work on your marriage' together, he's just looking at it black and white. Stay or go. And/or he believes he's the only one in the relationship who really matters.

AlwaysBeYourself · 30/04/2016 09:54

AnyFucker is it the chicken or the egg though. Maybe the strong women start making decisions without consideration to their OHs feelings from early on then it becomes habit and the man just gives up and allows it to continue for an easy life.

AnyFucker · 30/04/2016 09:56

Could be, Always

And the catalyst that changes the man-child's mind so he then resents being managed ?

You got it.

BobbiTheCynicalPanda · 30/04/2016 09:57

"forced into marriage" is just a load of bollocks. It absolves him of his guilt whether or not there is an OW, or if he just wants out, or can't be bothered to make any effort. He can blame you, it's easier.

Swipe left for the next trending thread