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Original poster

Going out of my mind, husband leaving/left/thinking/pissing about PART 2

952 replies

garlicbreathing · 28/04/2016 17:04

Follow on to my first thread about the lead up to the leaving, to the conversation to the aftermath. And it's a big aftermath.

First Part here- www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2622798-Im-about-to-lose-my-mind-here-I-think-DH-is-going-to-leave-me-tonight

OP posts:
NotQuiteJustYet · 29/04/2016 20:59

Being proactive is one thing, but it's awfully early to be throwing the D word around here. Let them come to a decision about the future of their marriage first, even if it seems obvious what may be coming. Right now they're on a break whilst H gets some space to pull his head out of his arse decide what he wants.

53rdAndBird · 29/04/2016 20:59

You can't thrash things out with someone who doesn't want to thrash them out with you.

FlyingScotsman · 29/04/2016 21:00

'Fighting for your marriage' for me means doing your best to solve any issues that are destroying the relationhsip.
It doesn't mean making compromise. It means learning about yourself and coming out 'as a better version' for a better word. (Eg having learnt to communication in a more appropriate way).
It also means not considering that you are clearly incompatible at the first hurdle (so in some ways, I can understand the OP's parents reaction).

However, there seems to be a thread here of resentment that had build up over time and that garlic's DH never voiced. It's hard to deal with that.
And in the same way, it's impossible to 'fight for your relationhsip' if it's only one person 'fighting' (maybe a better word would be working very very hard??)

Kimononono · 29/04/2016 21:16

It's been less than a week. I think op terminology of 'fighting for her marriage' probally means she is willing to just hang fire and see if she/they can fix this.

There is absolutley nothing wrong in this.

He may be seeing OW
He maybe not.

op might be hell to live with.
She might be not

The only person that really knows what's going on, truley is op and her Dh.

There is almost an under current of posters wanting op to raise hell and take the lead. Tell him that's it's over and drive off in to the sunset in a blaze of glory.

In RL it's not so easy. It's ok for op to want to 'fight for her marriage' - she isn't ready to walk away. She still thinks it can be salvaged.

I think posters trying to make her feel weak for feeling like this are unfair. Sometimes it's not always about having control of a situation or controlling it.

op I really hope you sort things out. Hope for the best but expect the worst. Good luck and don't be pushed out of the flat. If he is desperate for space - he can move out.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 21:19

I'm realistic, I know I'm never going to save my marriage if I'm the only one who wants it saved. However, I can't be the one to give up, because I was the one who was happy, who wants it to work out. I need my husband to say those words, I need him to make that decision himself. If he's the one so unhappy with being married to me, then he has to decide it's awful enough that he can't carry on in the marriage.

I still feel so clueless to his actual thoughts and feelings on the matter. If it's fixable, then it's he who decides it's fixable. A week ago, I was in a happy marriage, planning a forever after with this man! He has behaved appallingly, but at the moment I still don't know what's going on in his mind.

For the posters who said I ran away from communicating. We had a brief chat on Monday evening, which I then sought more details from Monday night via text. It was then he asked for a couple weeks space to think. To me, that closed him off from any further communication. I have texted him since, but I haven't pressed for a proper conversation as yet, but we agreed Sunday we will talk. This has been at his request completely. Since I have got my head together and knew I wanted to give this a go at getting sorted out, I have wanted a conversation, but this has not happened at my husbands request.

I am 25, and possibly very naive. I have never went through a 'proper' breakup like this. I have never felt so rejected. However, I am 25 and I don't rely on my husband for anything, other than financial contribution to bills, mortgage ect. I am an independent 25 year old; I work full time, I do chores, plan for my future. If this ends here and now, I will survive. If we give this another go, I will put my everything into sorting through our issues and problems, but I won't forget that if the worst comes to the worst, it's not going to be the end of the world and my life will just continue on in an opposite direction.

OP posts:
Original poster
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 21:24

By saying I will be fighting for my marriage, I will not be giving everything to someone who doesn't want me. I won't be pleading forgiveness from someone who blames me 100%. I won't be clinging onto his ankles and refusing to let go.
I will be holding my head high and admitting there has been mistakes and together we can work through them. I will be admitting that I overlooked our problems and believed our marriage to be a strong, happy one. I won't be losing my own self-dignity and worth. I am willing to swallow some pride and take my share of the blame, but it's not going to be without my husband admitting fault and trying his best to make it work too.

OP posts:
SteffiMuse · 29/04/2016 21:39

Garlic you're doing fab. And what woman doesn't nag. I do. It's in our DNA. I think what some people fail to realise is just because you would do something doesn't make it right for someone else. We all have our own way of doing things which is neither right or wrong.

Rosyglow74 · 29/04/2016 21:42

Well said sweetheart. You're going to be OK.x.

gonetoseeamanaboutadog · 29/04/2016 21:43
Flowers
Hillfarmer · 29/04/2016 21:48

And what woman doesn't nag. I do. It's in our DNA.

You really can speak for your feckin' self here Steffie. Jesus wept.

shoeaddict83 · 29/04/2016 21:54

You're doing amazing Garlic Flowers

SteffiMuse · 29/04/2016 21:56

Lol. Oh I do love MN and the bitchyness.

intheairthatnightfernando · 29/04/2016 22:03

Garlic you have a wonderful attitude and approach. You will be ok whatever happens. Well done on finding your strength!

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 22:08

Thank you all. It helps to know that some people think I am doing okay, I go through periods of doubt when I get all panicky and wonder what the hell I am doing.
I'm just trying hard to focus on keeping going and getting eating again. This week has been dreadful, I've had no appetite and I think I've been dehydrating myself.

OP posts:
Perbsy · 29/04/2016 22:16

Hats off to you garlic, you've been very gracious on this thread.

If you do split up you will be fine, in fact, I think this week has opened your eyes.

IhatetheDailyMail · 29/04/2016 22:17

Garlic you are doing ace :) KOKO my lovely :)

AlwaysBeYourself · 29/04/2016 22:21

Garlic I think you need to be prepared that Sunday will not give you any further enlightenment than you have now. He originally asked for a few weeks and not enough time has really elapsed to have made a whole lot of difference to his feelings. Time apart to see if he misses you (no contact) is in your best interest right now. He needs to feel what it is like to not have you in his life. Living with him as things are presently will be heart breaking for you. He will continue to avoid you and treat you like the enemy.

Original poster
garlicbreathing · 29/04/2016 22:28

At some point always I am going to snap. If he takes forever before making up his mind, then eventually I will be making up my own. I suspect this is maybe what he wants, even though this is his argument that he never gets a say, but he rarely makes a decision completely on his own, and perhaps he doesn't like to.
Sunday will at least tell me whether or not he has done any sort of thinking, and whether he is close to making up his mind. And that's going to be better than just waiting around for a phone call or text which will never come..

OP posts:
Christinayangstwistedsista · 29/04/2016 22:31

Has he given any indication , before now, that he wasn't happy?

GarlicShake · 29/04/2016 22:38

what woman doesn't nag

One whose partner meets all of his responsibilities - emotional and practical - without having to be told, reminded nagged. You know, the guy who just goes "I got this."

:)

Friendlystories · 29/04/2016 22:48

What Garlicshake said, with bells on.

SteffiMuse · 29/04/2016 22:55

I didn't mean to cause such offence. And with me the nagging part didn't just include my man. I have to nag DD to clean her room, brush her teeth, get dressed, eat her dinner. Sorry for any offence caused however!

SteffiMuse · 29/04/2016 22:58

:)))

mum11970 · 29/04/2016 22:58

Garlic, I'm a long time lurker but had to post to give you strength and congratulate you on having the balls to go back on Sunday and get him to make a few decisions. Don't blame yourself at all for the situation you've ended up in, your dh could have made his feelings known way before it got to this stage. He is just blaming you because it's easier than to admit he was too gutless to give his opinion on anything. I'll bet he's told his family you've moved out and nothing about what he said to you. Good luck for the future. I hope everything works out for you (either with your dh or someone who respects you and is capable of making a decision and voicing it).

janaus · 30/04/2016 03:33

well said Garlic dear. I admire your strength and courage. I wish you all the best, and that your husband can find happiness with you. You deserve him to give it a go. But your strength and love will get you through this terrible time.