I've met someone and want to ask him out

[ProfessorPickles]

I've recently met someone who has really taken me by surprise. I've been single for around 3 years now, apart from a short relationship, and I'd had very little interest in men for a long time until I met him.

He's good looking but what got me by surprise is his personality, he's very smiley and has a great sense of humour. He makes me laugh and is a genuinely nice person. I haven't met someone who's even caught my eye for a long, long time so it's a little bit exciting!

The problem however, is that he's a teacher at my university. Not my teacher, but I have contact with him occasionally.
We are a similar age (I'm a slightly older student) and I will be leaving in 2 months so would wait until then.

I have no idea if he is interested in me too, but I can't believe I've had my head turned after so long of being adamant I was going to be happily alone forever so I feel it would be foolish to just ignore it.

My idea was to give him a 'thank you' card/gift as I am leaving (for helping with my work, I'll be giving them to two other members of staff) and put my number inside. I thought this would be good so he can choose to take it or leave it, as it's potentially a little bit inappropriate?
If he isn't interested he can simply ignore it to spare me the embarrassment of asking to his face! Although, I've known several teachers to get together with students once they've left so I suppose it isn't that radical of an idea.

Best case scenario: We go on a date, fall in love, get married, have children and tour the country with our family band.

Worst case scenario: He never contacts me and life goes on.

It's worth a try surely?

Happy Birthday Muddle, I hope you have a lovely day!!

DS is lots better now thank you Muddle, it was an allergic reaction he had bless him. He's going to the hospital at some point over the next 6 weeks to have a test to see what things he's allergic to. Fish and beans so far, I'm hoping there isn't anything else!

That's why I couldn't have called into the cafe, I was rushing off to get to DS. I get very anxious his airways will start closing or something. His breathing hasn't been affected before but it's always on my mind.

I don't know if I'd dare call in it's a long story, but I have trouble with eating so I'd be scared there wasn't anything for me to order and I get a bit anxious when eating with new people!

Well, the long story is just that I have an eating disorder. Not anorexia or bulimia, it's one which restricts what I can or can't eat. That's the reason I haven't been so active on here because I'm stressed and it's made it a lot worse which has a knock on affect on my energy levels etc!

Muddle, Happy Birthday! I didn't register that it was today, but thankfully Prof did! Enjoy the day, some glimpses of sun here - hopefully in Hampshire too!
He's off next mid--next week - we don'y work togoether as you know, it's just he's not at any events until very late July (abroad) and then only in autumn here.

glad to hear your son is ok now - yes I can see that you had to rush if it was an allergic fit he had! As for the cafe - you wouldn't need to order food, just a cup of tea/coffee would have been fine - you are not yet having long lunches with the tutor! I'm having problems too now with digestion - I think stress definitely plays a role. At least not long to go, Prof, till the end of the studying!

OK friends, first and foremost, I'm hoping Muddle is having a wonderful and very special day.

Second and just as important, LovePGtips I think, bearing in mind how soon your man is leaving, I would encourage you to have a chat with him. I'll also be honest with you; every time I tell myself I want to normalise a situation by just chatting (nothing physical, etc.) with a man I think I'm kidding myself into believing that I don't have strong feelings for him, like physical and emotional feelings for him. I remember doing that in the past and I've certainly been guilty of feeling that for car mechanic guy! Would you agree with that, PGtips? Am I wrong as far as you are concerned?

OK, I'm feeling a little low and frustrated today. I cannot help believing that all these feelings I have might find a more productive and positive outcome were I in a relaxed, social setting with this guy of mine. BTW can I call him B now instead of car mechanic? Obviously the first initial of his name and I keep chuckling at Prof's reference to car mechanic man and tutor man sounding like super heroes!

I'm feeling sad. What a waste of perfectly good attraction and emotions all this waiting around is. I drove past the garage today for the first time in weeks, without stopping, and saw my lovely, old Jag parked waiting patiently.... this weekend I do not have the children and I'm so frustrated that I won't be hearing from the garage re: my car tomorrow. I am so hung up on this man and veer from feeling grateful that, whatever it is we have, is truly lovely and willing to hold onto that hazy good feeling even though NOTHING is happening to wanting clarity although I run the risk of smashing something fragile.

Please, help!

This, do you haev to wait till the Jag is ready? You could just breezily pop in to the garage tomorrow and ask when is the car likely to be ready, or chat about the issues and how is it looking for repair? Obviously the boss is likely to be there but can you just talk to B instead (I like that 'B', made me try and remember French names - there is a very charming (famous) Fr figure skater who is a B but it's an English/American name really? Can you see from outside whether he's in and maybe whether the boss is busy or not there?

Ah no I do know I have feelings for him, I'm not kidding myself - but to HIM it's just a chat regardless of how I feel inside. What I mean something undemanding/non-threatening to him as a non-single man, a social chat. I can definitely be just friendly with him - not in my head so much but outwardly. What I was saying was, if we had the chat it would help point me in the right direction regarding any slight hopes I have now - either it will cut then off if he looks uninterested or even if the chat doesn';t flow well or he flows but he shares that he's getting married. Or if there were any sparks then I will know I shouldn't give up yet. I want to know basically whether to give up now, and although I know that's really what I need to do - I still have this feeling of connection with him and of a possible chance that is in my way, and I want it to either be cut off or to give me an actual real hope I/he can act on (if not all is well with their relationship). But yes IMO it's a 5% chance or so (max) that I do have any chance with him so not kidding myself much.

another possible suggestion, This - can you phone and speak to him, or does he not answer the phone there? You could ask whether he will have a minute after work to come and see you as you'd like a chat - maybe make something up about the party dates if he does come over and then chat from there. But it's probably unlikely he picks up the phone there.

*it flows, not 'he' argh! typos again! good thing we know each other's writing so well now that we can guess the meaning.

Thank goodness for you and your thoughtful words (and cunning plans) LovePGtips!

I totally get where you are coming from about chatting to your man. My goodness, you are as addicted as I am, and dear Prof too! We've all got to bolster each other up...and birthday girl Muddle too! Anyone else?

Yes, you should talk to him and gauge how the land lies. If there is an ounce or two of hope you will be able to bear the long absence; if he slips into the conversation words along the lines of "Oh, I'm getting hitched with the love of my life", then you will hopefully turn the page and we'll all be here to give you a hug. I don't know why but I'm very sceptical that he is getting married. What do I know, you may well ask? Just a hunch, I guess.

So please, for everybody's sake just meet up and chat with him. He must be a very special person for you to admire him professionally, etc. so much. He doesn't know how lucky he is.

Which makes me think about the times in life when we feel alone and unappreciated (not now I've got my lovely children, of course) and one day we discover that someone in our life has been harbouring strong feelings for us. It really does happy and there is magic in that. But for the person who is loving in silence it's bloody awful sometimes, isn't it?

OK, turning to B (very French man's name and I might be offering up a prize for who can guess it), he rarely answers the phone. A fortnight ago when he came to pick up my Jag (swoon) I called at 9am and he picked up. (Swoon again) That was only because the boss and his wife had an urgent medical appointment and came in late. Seriously, all your ideas are so good, and I am chuckling at the idea of me breezing (more like quaking) into the garage. From the outside your plans are perfect and plausible. From where I'm standing it's me with egg on my face appearing YET AGAIN as obvious as anything that I want to s* the dishiest employee!

Of course, the problem is that, with passing time I am doubting more and more that he's feeling any kind of attraction for me. I know that's ridiculous in view of the flustered state we both were in last time. I have a sickening feeling here that he's going to be the adult in this situation and reason with himself that I'm a no go.

Which means that I need to be the adolescent and give into my impulses.

AGGGGGGHHHH!

Blooming typos again! Sorry ladies!

This, it's only if he is seriously planning to find an LTR soon ghtat he'll be sensible, but I don't feel that he is thinking about it now. As I said before, he doesn't know what do YOU want - i.e. I'm sure he'll agree to a romantic fling, but he may think that you wouldn't want that - that's why you HAVE to make it clear for him over a drink and a chat.
If it's obvious to him that yo want to shag him - not an issue, you already both know you are attarcted to each other. If you mean the boss - no of course he won't think that - you are a civilised woman so you won't be so obvious to others - you haev every right (and I'm sure customers do that) to look in to ask about your car, but also as you aer so loval, to chat on your way home. It's just a chat! Obv it's better if hte boss isn't there so you don't have to act too polite.

Is it Bernard?

Regarding 'my' guy - you may not remember but I had explained a while ago that it's not easy for me to come up and chat - I'd have done it ages ago if I could! Last event was lucky as although he was busy talking to others, he was there on my way out and I chatted to him in passing, but of course not one to one. The naturte of these events is, he is there doing his work and is there with colleagues so for me to come up, I'd have to do it in front of everyone and even though it's not that bad, he is not likely to go off with me with people looking on, and even if we step away from others, I doubt there a space there to have an undistracted chat - let alone to have a drink. I want to have a drink somewhere out, away from his prof environment. Also yo uprobably don't remember I've asked him out (as a friendly coffee meet up) ages ago when I first met him - he s made an excus hten that he was too busy, but he did get to know me since quite a bit via social media and seeing me at the events -but I still don't want to ask again. Obviously he could do it but it's risky for him as he may worry that it will sound like offerng me a date when it's actually even just social for him. So the only way I can chat to him this last coming event is to hang around afterwards in some vague hope that he will leave by himself - I HATE doing that because he may never come out that way ot be with someone and I'll just feel like an idiot waiting for who knows how long. Or he may come out and look panicky if he sees me and runs of with excuses - nice! So it's not easy at all. I could ty to do it but set a limit like 15min so I don't feel too miserable if nothig happens. It will be evening too so it's not eve nlikely he'll be leaving by himself.
It's so sweet to me to here your scepticism re his possible wedding! if only. Though there are two sides to this medal as discussed above!

*so local

haha This, he's not lucky that I appreciate him professionally, many people do because he is objectively special, and he's used to that. He's out of my league really as far as professional achievements go, that doesn't add to my confidence either.

No, it's not Bernard, but thanks for making me laugh out loud, PGtips!

I'm actually tearing my hair out thinking about your situation. Yes, there are always at least two sides to a medal.

The most ridiculous thing is that, were you purely platonic in your head and heart about this guy, as indeed I were about B (not Bernard ) we would think absolutely bloody nothing about popping in, would we? F ridiculous double standards we give ourselves. I'm there thinking, 'ooh, it's been around 3-4 weeks since I last went to the garage, so it doesn't look too desperate I'm going there again'. And you probably think you have a huge rubber stamp imprint on your forehead screaming 'I'm madly, insanely infatuated with you so watch out!'

Seriously though! Can't you just play the role of a nonchalant friend in your head and just go and chat to him? Please? His impending departure is a great reason to connect with a, cough, cough, FRIEND! I am not making fun of you, on the contrary. I would love to wait fifteen minutes with you at the end of the day and help you take deep breaths whilst you wait.

I love a good professional, PGtips!

And to quote a dating guru - Evan Marc Katz - who firmly believes a woman should never ask a man out (yawn, more hair ripping out):

^Men see women as just friends in four fundamental ways:

1. He’s not attracted to you at all – which makes friendship really easy to maintain, without all the sexual tension of the “When Harry Met Sally” friendship

1. He’s taken and content in his relationship – which makes you off-limits, and even if he is attracted to you, he wouldn’t do anything about it.

1. He’s hooked up with you before – so the mystery and excitement is gone and you can just enjoy each other’s company as friends.

1. He’s a mature adult who’s had enough sex to understand that just because he’s attracted to someone doesn’t mean she’d be a viable girlfriend/life partner, so it’s best not to act on that attraction.^

Number four is the most likely reason in my troubled mind why B hasn't plucked up the courage to ask me out.

That, or, as you have implied, he's taking the coward's way out instead of running the risk of me laughing him off.

but This, I thought we established that neither you not him want a 'life-long partner/long term girlfriend' so no, it doesn't apply. B does not see you as a friend either - did he ever suggest friendship? You not in a situation that that article covers - neither friends not LTR material, but absolutely perfectly suited for a romantic fling!

Good thinking PGtips. Fortunately you've got enough brain power for two.

aw I'd really love to have a wing-woman with me after the event! I'd then have patience to wait a food 30min while enjoying our chat and also if he didn't come out by himself etc, I wouldn't feel miserable with a friend.
That's what I did last time - talked to him as a non-chalant friend - though of course I'm not a real friend as he never contacts me first or goes out wit hme in a group even.But friendly/appreciative, yes. So what though? I've chatted a bit with people around - that's not helping and isn't enough. He couldn't possibly be free as we were overheard and it was all rush. As I say if I saw him on his own, I wuldn't have ANY problem to go and talk to him, that's why I don't get it with your and Prof (though in her case also he's often not alone) that you can't just talk to them - you both been talking to your guys a lot more than I ever have (social media is very deceptive in this way). But I can't just barge in where a number of his colleafues gather after the event - it's in a separate section and I would have to ask permission to go in, or ask for him even of he's not facing me. This could be ok if I had some reason at least (again you and your Jag gives you plenty of excuse) - I don't have an excuse and he will feel awkward me coming up in front of everyone and attracting attention. What I was hoping for is, that he would SUGGEST for me to come and say hi either after last time or through social media, but obv he hasn't. So the only thing it to hope to bump into him. And sorry if I haen't explained well, but he KNOWS I really like him from my attention to him on sovial media and presence at events - he didn't respond recently to any of my comments which is hardly encouraging. I pretty much do haev a stamp on my face saying 'I like and fancy you' though maybe not quite 'madly attracted'. He may not know the exact feelings but he knows I'm interested. I DID ask him out ages ago, remember? even if it wasn't worded as a date.

reading this, it could be obvious that he doesn't even like me, let alone interested, but the last meeting and that long gaze made me think that he may well rather like me but just not in a positiuon to act on it - or just likes me as a person but I'm not his type as a woman.

This, haha brain power for two -= you and Prof, not much for myself! too much thinking for myself but not clear thinking!

is Benedict a French name? kind of.

Benedict is a French name and, nope, it isn't his name.

It's not Brian either!

Maybe he's avoiding you, LovePGtips on social media because his gf has made his life a little hellish because she feels threatened by you? Does that make me sound a bit like a teenager?

You know, LovePGtips, I've had very little chance to communicate with B.

Since the heart-stopping eye contact where the whole world seemed to slow down in March, each time I've been there goes something like this:

He sees me, gives a huge grin, quickly sobers up, eyes lowered, 'what can I help you with?' I tell him the car-related problem, he becomes all proactive and masculine, solves the problem and then leaves without a good-bye.

Most odd.

Obviously, we have had a few conversations, some whisky fuelled but we've never been alone in a non-work-related situation. At work, after a few clear signals which I was too cowardly to pick up on, he remained very measured and respectful and seemed to be weighing every word with hardly any eye contact. The whisky evening he was loud, joking, teasing me, stripping, sitting beside me and asking personal questions in the car whilst driving me back. A fortnight ago, away from work and colleagues, etc, he was very flustered and all smiles and lowered eyes.

Not much time for deep and meaningful conversations. But they do say that most important communication happens through body language and that actions speak louder than words. And it is true that his actions have always been clear to me.... barring NOT asking me out!