I've met someone and want to ask him out

[ProfessorPickles]

I've recently met someone who has really taken me by surprise. I've been single for around 3 years now, apart from a short relationship, and I'd had very little interest in men for a long time until I met him.

He's good looking but what got me by surprise is his personality, he's very smiley and has a great sense of humour. He makes me laugh and is a genuinely nice person. I haven't met someone who's even caught my eye for a long, long time so it's a little bit exciting!

The problem however, is that he's a teacher at my university. Not my teacher, but I have contact with him occasionally.
We are a similar age (I'm a slightly older student) and I will be leaving in 2 months so would wait until then.

I have no idea if he is interested in me too, but I can't believe I've had my head turned after so long of being adamant I was going to be happily alone forever so I feel it would be foolish to just ignore it.

My idea was to give him a 'thank you' card/gift as I am leaving (for helping with my work, I'll be giving them to two other members of staff) and put my number inside. I thought this would be good so he can choose to take it or leave it, as it's potentially a little bit inappropriate?
If he isn't interested he can simply ignore it to spare me the embarrassment of asking to his face! Although, I've known several teachers to get together with students once they've left so I suppose it isn't that radical of an idea.

Best case scenario: We go on a date, fall in love, get married, have children and tour the country with our family band.

Worst case scenario: He never contacts me and life goes on.

It's worth a try surely?

I wonder how Prof is this evening?

And now I cannot even think about looking him in the eye for fear that he's just been playing foolish games with me.

If that's the case there's no respect there at all.

ThisIs I think that poster is projecting their own issues/experiences massively there. I also think they are wrong - I know several long term relationships where the man is younger (as well as several where the woman is, and several others where they are the same age...) it's the people not the age that creates the dynamic.

It does sound like that poster has been hurt, which is a real shame and I feel for them. But many relationships (including mine) do end with people getting hurt. Some people are just twats, nothing to do with their ages, some people just are. Sounds like she encountered a twat who happened to be in the form of a man that was younger than her. That wasn't the thing that made him a twat though, some people just are. If he was a player or a bit of a heartbreaker then he was almost certainly like that to all women regardless of age - people are respectful or not, not many change that ingrained attitude according to age of the person that is stood in front of them.

What I am saying, in a very long winded way, is that man was not your mechanic. We can only judge people on what we see and feel and how they treat us, and have the confidence in ourselves to be able to judge those things and most importantly the confidence and trust in ourselves to act accordingly if their behaviour suggests they are not who we thought them to be (ie to send 'em packing if twat traits start showing ). Other than that we have to just take a chance, don't we? We regret the chances we didn't take, more than the ones we did.

This, no not quite - it could be to do with you being a client and also if he perceived that you wouldn't want a fling as you aer a responsible mother of three dc - nothing to do with how attracted he is! He may also not feel confident because of your higher social status and educatin. All you ve said about him personally, indicates this, and not the fact he's not attracted of course. SOME other guy - who knows, but we are talking about him specifically, and he showed respect and admiration. I don't think he feels very confident with you - and the fact he agreed to be going to your party means that he is likely to ask you out - give him a chance!

Re 'my' guy - yes, I know he may be happy as it is, I wish I knew for sure how content they are. I'm sure they were happy, it's just this year he seems to have lost weight and looks stressed - so does she on recent photos! no idea if it's a stress with something they both have (TTC unsuccessfully?) or is it because they aer having problems as a couple. He travels a lot and she showed once trhat shje was very possessive publicly - I've mentioned it before, that did NOT sound like she was secure or trusting him completely, maybe she had a bad moment but it sounded as if she was worried about other women's attention towards him. It was quite OTT, don't want to say it word for word on here!

please do not project what this woman said on your guy! why is she more important than all your friends who advised and all of us on here? of course look him in the eye! Don;t do any more, wait till the party and see what he does (or maybe before then). Deep, slow breaths!

Muddlewitch we cross posted, yay!

You seem to be such an insightful person. Thank you for taking the time to write all those thoughts down. I've just been scrolling back to your posts together with LovePGtips's posts about your lives and thoughts on men, etc.

I don't want someone to come and save me, I'm pretty good at coping by myself and like my independence. I just want someone to stand by me while I do it and make me a cup of tea when things are rubbish.

That is exactly what I would like too, Muddle! I have drawn so much satisfaction from learning that I can do many things on my own after my husband left over a year ago leaving me with no doubt that he would never help me learn all the things he used to do around the house, etc. I see the good teamwork I have with my children and the laughs and love. I don't need somebody to save me. I have friends and a supportive, albeit, far-flung family. The other night when car mechanic chap drove me home it felt so lovely being supported for just a few minutes. I would love the odd bit of kindness and fun but I really, really would prefer to keep my life separate from any man who might be around in the future.

I think that PGtips; Prof, you and I are in very similar situations. Strong women with/without children who still have an ounce of hope and magic left in them with plenty of experience of heartache and pain.

PGtips, in your words I see myself. You have strong feelings for this guy but feel relieved that you can distance yourself from them and him from time to time. The attraction you feel is always there but you feel good when you can contain it somewhat. Am I right?

PGtips, how interesting that you have certain access to this man's life and his girlfriend, to some extent.

Even more interesting is the fact they do not look that serene and content.

Yes, I can absolutely imagine you'd like to know how happy they are, or not, together. Do you not have a mutual acquaintance who could help you find out?

And you commenting on the quality of his work? (You mentioned it in an earlier post.) That's the sort of thing I like to do. It is so damned important to speak out about the good things in life. Here in France people complain about so many things. That is so typically French. They grumble and moan. When somebody like you or I open our mouths to praise someone or something we run the risk of being perceived as odd.

LovePG do you have any mutual friends that know them as a couple?

Also, and I say this very gently as I can tell you have feelings for him, but if he is attached but has been paying attention to you, and his partner has at least once behaved in a way that suggests she has issues with trusting him, please be really, really careful that he is not someone who would play with your feelings or has issues going on himself that you would get dragged into. I'm not saying he is like that at all, I've no idea obviously. Just be careful - if it was one of my friends I would be saying the same because I wouldn't want them to be hurt, and I wouldn't want that for you either. I think 'watch and wait' from a safe distance might be the best course of action at the moment, although that's very easy for me to say and mind meltingly frustrating to actually do, I know!!

just read you long post on the last page, This. Well it's definitely a thread for me (just to read!) as I'm definitely the chasing type! I get interest from men too but either I'm not interested in them (recently) or they are not single/too old etc. Occasionally I get intensely interested and then I tend to do chasing (even I do it carefully). I can't seem to change my habits but they don't lead anywhere much.
So when you asked him to come to your party, you never mentioned the dates? How was it left - that you will tell him when you know? He's bound to ask when you see him about it. YOu need to think. NO please don't be stand-offish. You could say that the party may not happen for a while as hard to organise everyone - he is likely to say 'it's a shame, I was looking forward to it' - see if he is disappointed. Then maybe say, well we could go out for a drink meanwhile, if ou like' - or possibly he'll suggest it first. I just think he wants you to lead out of respect for you.

It could be argued though, PGtips, that if he hasn't asked me out I'm just to worth the hassle. It's fascinating how one can see the same facts in a completely different light. The woman on the other thread wrote me this advice:

"I think the biggest mistake you can make Thisistherighttime, is to assume anything about why a man has not asked you out. The fact is he has not asked you out when he has a working brain and is single. The best thing you can do is to wait and see if he has weighed up his options enough to ask you out. Men generally are not afraid to ask for what they want, if they want it badly enough, in my experience and in my opinion. Hell I got asked out by a ton of married men that clearly weren't available and who saw me as a shag, they weren't bloody shy I can tell you. I don't think men are, they are hard wired for this stuff. Denying that fact is just naive. Wait wait wait. If people see that as women being passive or shackled then they are a bit daft. Some women get fd over by some types of men every single day. How many of your acquaintance are single fathers left holding the baby and dealing with the aftermath of a woman player? Not many I'll bet."

FWIW she seems to have irritated a few posters on that thread with her negative, extreme thoughts. I cannot believe HOW many men have asked her out. And yet each one, save her DH, thankfully, is a tosser, it would seem.

And yet, as far as car mechanic is concerned, I am certain he's feeling the attraction too.

However, your optimism re: the party invite and his reaction to it, PGtips, I just don't see it. In my company he's a man of few words. So I cannot see him asking me out. Nope.

Whilst I was with my good friends yesterday, we had a chat about my situation for the first time with my friend and her partner. They've been together for twenty years and have two children. Both of them are faithful but open to flirting with others. He claims that if he is tempted sometimes he wouldn't run the risk of ruining twenty years of his life and his family's life for half an hour of fun.

Good man.

He's a bit of an expert in body language and is truly fascinated by it. I told him how things were the last time I saw the car mechanic. He said there was clearly a strong, mutual attraction and that both of us were too afraid to make the first move which was a pity as nothing, obviously, would progress if we both remained static out of fear.

He told me that if he was lowering his eyes a lot in my presence it was because he was intimidated by me and that he felt in some sense inferior or enthralled. Lowered gazes, in my friend's opinion, suggested he was preventing himself from saying things aloud he was thinking/feeling inside his head. The way he was locking eyes with me suggested strong attraction together with his partly flustered behaviour.

He thought I should pluck up the courage to ask him for coffee over lunchtime. A harmless enough invitation. I am not going to do it though.

Muddle, no I don't have mutual friends - all my info is from social media asa he is very active there, and she is relatively active. He hasn't bee npaying attention to me - I have certainly been paying attention, haha! He was always responding only, and mainly in a nice but limited way at the very beginning, then (on social media) he stopped responding completely. I only see him at a distance and not often in busy environment - he always notices me and there were looks but of course it can be friendliness. Last time I actually came up to him as I wanted to know if I annoy him with the social media - he was nice, there was a moment that I really enjoyed (nothing concrete) despite him being busy. But no he never initiated any attention. I think GF is not content with something - his frequent travel or his popularity but it came acrossas her issue completely, not anything he's done because he was surprised himself that she said what she did! Mind you, if they haev some coolong down between them then of course it's their mutual problem, but maybe she was just stressed/hormonal/ whatever.
This I'm not recently divorced like you - this was a while ago - so I understand and think it's best for you to be single for a whgile or stick to nice but not simplistic flings. I want a relationship myself - not flings or casual dating. I'm quite strong but I do want someone who is supportive, not just a cup of tea haha! But I 'm not looking to drop all I'm doing for a man either. Just a mutually supportive relationship. NOt sure what you mean by wanting to 'distance myself from my strong feelings' - tbh I don't have a choice, I can't just impose my feelings on the man! So yes I control them, and much better this week than the last one, but I wouldn't want to have a part-time relatiomship if that's what you meant, though I do need/like a lot of my own space. Funnily enough would work well with someone who is travelling for work often like this man. NOr would I rush into living together with anyone - I need a slow buildup after being single for a while.

A slow buildup sounds perfect PGtips. A long distance relationship would suit me down to the ground. I've always found safety in distance tbh.

When I wrote about you 'distancing yourself from strong feelings' I imagine that, like me, you need to prove to yourself that you can rationalise your emotions about this man and be more in control. There is nothing harder than being smitten with somebody who is not going to reciprocate in the way you want/need.

ThisIs body language stuff fascinates me, I would love to do some studying around it. Why wouldn't you ask him for coffee?

LovePG that makes sense. I agree with wanting something that is mutually supportive. Someone who works away a lot and/or has their own life would suit me too. What I meant by someone who will make me a cup of tea when things are bad is that I think men often want to solve and fix things - I don't want someone to fix me or any of the difficult things I have in my life, but just to be supportive while I do things for myself and be the person offering a listening ear and a cup of tea rather than someone who comes wading in and tries to take over. I think that is a big ask of most men though.

I agree with your friend completely - if you remember, and even just now, I advised you in similar way, that he is not feeling very confident with you due to your status and that you are older and very attractive to him, AND a client, and that you should suggest a coffee/drink. Really don't see what you have to lose. Or you could wait and then he will probably ask about the party, and then go from there judging on his tone. You could ask something on the lines of it would be good to see him again - and see of he offers to go for a coffee etc.

you see I'm irritated by this 'not worth losing something for a shag' - why do people assume it is just a shag? are men incapable falling in love or at least getting infatuated? obviously your friend may have meabt that romance is out of the question because he is in LTR with children. The guy I like doesn't have kids and although in a relationship, it's been a few years so far. It's not out of the question that their relationship isn't that solid yet - theoretically bpth of then can get interested in others, I just don't know but obviously assume it's likely they are ok - moreover they may well be planning marriage and children for all I know! If I did know thatm I'll cool down pretty quickly as that's then a no-go. It will still be painful to let go but I'm never interested in totally impossible situations, thankfully.

I hear you PGtips. This same male friend openly admitted yesterday that when he was with other longish term girlfriends he would sleep with other girls. Precisely for the reasons you have mentioned concerning your man.

In terms of my situation he said he got pissed off with people's hypocritical mindset concerning short term physical attraction relationships. He said to me there was nothing wrong with hooking up once, twice, three or four times with this guy and having mutual fun. That was exactly what he did with this female friend of his. They'd sleep together once in a while and both return to their LTR, precisely, because, as you wrote, their relationships weren't written in stone and they weren't married with families.

It all sounds quite healthy to me.

Wow this thread has gone mad tonight, I came to check in and I can't catch up

I'll get reading and post when I've got to the end!

One things which has struck me about car mechanic guy is that he is not pushy at all, with me anyway. I am certain he will not ask me about the party. He has this surprising way, each time I see him, after working on the car, etc., of leaving without saying a word. It is so weird.

I'm certain he has thrown me out as dating potential. That makes complete sense. Older, children, client, bla, bla, bla. PLUS the fact he knows there's a possibility I might move back to England for work. I'm far from certain of this but have evoked it with him when he asked. He seemed startled at first when I mentioned this.

Of course, there is no point or potential for him to go out with me. He's probably looking for a longterm relationship since he was with somebody for seven years. If he is not being forward with me about asking me out it is possibly because he knows I'd only be, to use the words of the other poster, worth a shag and he probably respects me too much to imagine that's all I'd be up for.

If only he knew!

Yes, Prof, no writer's block in my case! I've been insanely bothered by a overly cynical poster on another thread. Suffice to say it got my creative juices flowing. Thankfully, PGtips and Muddlewitch have joined in!

You don't know he's looking for an LTR, This. I'd say opposite, having recently left a long term GF, he may well want a romantic fling - his other dating attempts didn't seem romantic and he was playing the field. WEith you he behaves like you are special to him (part of why he;'s not pushy), but he thinks probably that he can't offer you enough - and now you've mentioned going to England he obviously is worried he'll get involved and then you'll go. He sounds like je is definitely infatuated or even feeling romantic so he may be a bit scared as you are in a position of power there (he doesn't know you feel so strongly attracted to him). He probably sees it that you might want a toyboy (and usually a woman takes initiative in these cases) - especially as you are still divorcing. I think he'll be up for that if you ask, but he is not pushy because you are special and he knows he may get involved emotionally. I'don't think he's likely thinking about not being able to offer LTR to you, because you aer not likely to want one anyway in your situation currently and for a near future.

Again, heartwarming words PGtips. You are such an encouraging woman, thank you.

I come back time and time again to the probability of mutual attraction. My lucid/cynical side (brought out by the charming poster, ha, ha) thinks maybe he looks down a lot so as not to encourage me and that he walks away without saying goodbye so for the same reason.

But then, most of our past interactions, until the last two times together, I was so very cautious not to be reeled in by him. I did not flirt or respond openly to his attempts.

so what about the last two times? did he say goodbye?
Interesting that 'my' guy also lowered his eyes quite a bit when I first approached him months ago. I think I was looking at him with an obvious interest (I didn't know then he was not single) - and his immediate first reaction was to lower the eyes, almost looking away. But by the end of that little ttalk, when I turned to walk away but then looked again he was standing and looking after me, I was a bit confused by that, almost like he wanted to say more or look longer.
The recent chat was different - a very open, long look but possibly he felt 'safe' due to so many people being around. He'd also feel more relaxed/safe if he was about to get married, I imagine! i.e. last minute minor flirting that can't possibly go anywhere, so it's safe ha.

This, I' m not saying she is definitely wrong about him not thinking it could go far with you in terms of LTR, but I don't doubt that he's attarcted, much more likely as your male friend says he is feeling unconfident - it's definitely not lack of attraction as then he would not get flustered or startled about you going to England (and he asked about it himself!), or grinning, and he wouldn;t have held your hand earlier on.
I still can't see why asking him out for a coffee is such a non-option for you!

I totally agree with PGTips, ThisIs I don't think it's a question of whether he is attracted as he clearly is, I think it's confidence. Also, if indeed he does not want to get into a LTR, but holds you in high esteem as seems to be the case, he is probably wondering how he approaches that with you without coming across as disrespectful. If he thinks a lot of you he will not want to just treat it as a 'conquest' like a one night stand, but equally might be worried about coming across as wanting more than is right for either of you. I think it is most likely that he doesn't know how to 'play it.'

yes, Muddle, essentially he would want it no This's terms, and I think he would be very happy to go for she wants, a fun but not shallow relationship! LTR is not what you are after, This, so it's not even a worry if he wants an ltr or not with you - but I don;t think he's desperate for an LTR with anyone new at this time, so to me it looks you aer vey likely to want the same thing (and no, not just a quick shag for him!). The only thing that may stop him is, if he is feeling more of a crush, what with all the slow build up and getting to know about you and your life, HE might feel vulnerable to feelings while thinking that you hold the power.

*on This's terms