I've met someone and want to ask him out

[ProfessorPickles]

I've recently met someone who has really taken me by surprise. I've been single for around 3 years now, apart from a short relationship, and I'd had very little interest in men for a long time until I met him.

He's good looking but what got me by surprise is his personality, he's very smiley and has a great sense of humour. He makes me laugh and is a genuinely nice person. I haven't met someone who's even caught my eye for a long, long time so it's a little bit exciting!

The problem however, is that he's a teacher at my university. Not my teacher, but I have contact with him occasionally.
We are a similar age (I'm a slightly older student) and I will be leaving in 2 months so would wait until then.

I have no idea if he is interested in me too, but I can't believe I've had my head turned after so long of being adamant I was going to be happily alone forever so I feel it would be foolish to just ignore it.

My idea was to give him a 'thank you' card/gift as I am leaving (for helping with my work, I'll be giving them to two other members of staff) and put my number inside. I thought this would be good so he can choose to take it or leave it, as it's potentially a little bit inappropriate?
If he isn't interested he can simply ignore it to spare me the embarrassment of asking to his face! Although, I've known several teachers to get together with students once they've left so I suppose it isn't that radical of an idea.

Best case scenario: We go on a date, fall in love, get married, have children and tour the country with our family band.

Worst case scenario: He never contacts me and life goes on.

It's worth a try surely?

Hi ThisIs, I'm pleased to hear you enjoyed the concerts! That sounds a wonderful way to spend your evening

How are you today?

I am feeling down and disheartened. Down in general with how life is at the minute, uni is stressful and 2yo DS seems to have had a personality change all of a sudden and is a nightmare at the minute. He's normally so pleasant and funny, but at the minute he's such hard work, I'm hoping it's a phase!

Feeling disheartened from missing my chance to speak to tutor man aswell as mildly embarrassing myself in the process. I made myself look thick accidentally and I'm a little upset about that, but never mind!

No idea what to do now, I feel embarrassed to be trying and feel like he knows (although he definitely won't) so I'm just going to crawl under a rock and wait for this all the blow over

Hope things are well for you ThisIs! Let me know how you are feeling at the minute

Prof, please believe me; you will feel so much better in a while. Things will become clearer with time and will sort themselves out. Sometimes it's good to step back from our emotions and personal demands and trust that life has a way of sorting itself out. Some things become clearer with time. I'm learning that more and more every year that passes.

I think that in a month or so you and I will be much clearer about where things are going with our respective guys. I know yesterday was frustrating for you; you got yourself all motivated to communicate with him. You wanted to take control (good for you) and it didn't happen. Haven't you noticed how some days are disheartening and then others set your world on fire? Well, that's going to happen to you time and time again.

Please believe me.

Stress plays with our emotions too. You are in the final countdown work wise AND you are juggling a two year old! I've got three kids and they all gave me hell to varying degrees (my son more than my daughters) between two and four. Now? They are absolutely fantastic human beings. Grit your teeth for now and know that you are going through the most intense time of his young life.

How am I? Thank you for asking. My mind has a tendency to fill the void (it's been a week since I last saw him when he took the Jag) with negative thoughts such as 'I must be kidding myself' or 'he's really not that much into me', or 'he's never going to be brave enough to overcome the barriers of my pending divorce, etc. as he can't like me that much'. Those thoughts come thick and fast. And then I remember the way he got flustered, the way he kept his eyes lowered and the way he locked eyes with me and I think I'm lucky to have that mutual attraction. I almost become philosophical and believe that what will be will be. It's a rollercoaster. He's touched my heart to some extent. I'm pretty certain he's a good man.

You are going to feel better soon. Ride the storm. It will pass.

Prof, no need to be disheartened, it's just a matter of waiting - I know it's hell to be waiting, but nothing's lost yet! at worst you can just give the card. Regarding feeling stupid about something - we've all done that! I don't think it will influence his attitude to you. I wrote a couple of stupid things to the guy on social media but knowing that most of it was good/witty, it's not a huge deal, and he did look pleased to see me. With your guy it's even more of a tiny thing compared to all you good/clever/witty conversations. I still think you should come in, interrupt and ask when is he due to leave so that you can come in when he expects you - if he's talking to someone then, yo can just wait as you've agreed te time.

This, thank you, I'm ok, quite busy so managed to distract myself - but I have described in my last post before this that thaks to you and my friend, I've managed to feel calmer. If you have any more advice based on last post, let me know! When is your party btw, approx?

what I mean is, he still comes to my thoughts throughout the day, but in the middle of last week I felt it was too intense/painful/I have no influence on anything, now it's a more balanced outlook and I'm almost accepting the wisdom of steeping back as you mention in your first sentence. I haven't lost the longing but it's not as impatient.

Prof we've crossed posted with This advising you the same thing, patience and keeping the faith basically - and I'd add trying to do something enjoyable meanwhile, even if little things.

Thank you ThisIs, it sounds like we are both going through the same with the thoughts of being sure they won't be interested one minute then the next remembering all the times you felt certain there was something there.

I think the problem is it's been a while since a 'positive' grinning from ear to ear moment. I need one to keep me going!
I really hope you're right that things will swing back the other way

I feel under a lot of pressure at the minute, this week feels a lot like a make or break week in terms of my uni work. If this week (starting Monday, I mean) goes well it'll take a lot of pressure off for me.

You're right when you say it's a rollercoaster, at least we can ride it together
Do you think you could be looking for something more than just casual?
You've said some wonderful things about him such as touching your heart and I wondered if something serious could be on the cards for you?

Hello PG! How're you? Well I hope!
Thank you for your reassurance that he won't think less of me, he seemed to pull a bit of a wtf face at me and it's stuck in my mind.
What sort of things did you put on social media may I ask, were they drunken messages etc?
I often feel like you can have a hundred positive moments and then you have one negative or embarrassing moment and you end up torturing yourself with it. Stupid brain!

LovePGtips, it's good to see you here! It's almost midnight here in France and tomorrow is Mother's Day so I'm going to get some sleep. I WILL answer your last post, I promise. When we get back from our friends tomorrow, or maybe tomorrow morning.

I'll be answering your questions too Prof!

Lots of positive thoughts from France to you both. Love and attraction are magical and unbalancing at times. Fill your days with happy moments. Life is short.

I know I torture myself too - imagine how it's for me when I hardly get ANY positive encouragement from him as he's not even single! Anything stupid I do, makes me imagine him thinking 'when the heck will she leave me alone?' haha.
No i've never posted anything when drunk and nothing personal - but when he was discussing being annoyed with something , a few people commented and someone did a 'wtf'-type comment on mine (not literally) because he didn't get it - but maybe my guy didn't get it either, he didn't respond eiter way. Also I've overdone it at some point with praise for his work he deserves it but I did a bit too much a while back). I'm not posting anyting chatty now on his social media, he must have noticed the drastic change as I did it a lot, the truth is, I just can't face looking as it gets too painful and hard not to comment on his stuff because I usually find it interesting. After the last event where I came and said 'hi' I feel it's best to just have that on my mind as it's pleasant rather than face being ignored when trying to 'chat' on there. I need to show him that I can pull back, and I need to for myself. HOnestly your situatin is so natural - maybe his wtf face was kindly, as if he (or anyone) never says anything silly - he knows you are stressed with work! If it wasn't personal to him, then especially don't worry.

thanks, Thisis, we all need some wise words now!

and enjoy Mother's Day, This - your DC will make it a happy day, I'm sure!

I lost this thread off of my 'I'm on' list and assumed it must have been deleted (I thought someone had posted something identifying or something.) I am so glad to have found it again and read everyone's updates, I have genuinely been wondering what has been happening for your all, though I recognise that may be an indicator that I should get a life of my own at some point

Prof don't get disheartened, easy for me to say I know but we have all said silly things, including tutor man, I really doubt he gave it much thought. I think when you feel a bit in limbo about something your mind magnifies every little thing though doesn't it. My children are all school age now and I wouldn't want to go back to them being 2, it is such hard work. You are definitely not alone in that one, my youngest also seemed to have the overnight personality switch. It gets better, hang on in there. I did my degree when my eldest was small, it was such a lot of pressure at the time but I'm so glad I did it now.

ThisIs you seem much more relaxed about things. I have a really good feeling about mechanic man. How long is it until the party?

PG The whole social media thing is a bit of a nightmare to navigate isn't it, things don't always come across the same as if you were saying it face to face and there are always some people that seem to misunderstand/read things their own way. I wouldn't let that put you off of posting if there are things that interest you but having said that I think it's probably better for your own sanity to pull back if from it if it's going to be something that plays on your mind.

Nothing exciting happening in my world, teenage DS is hard work, that and lots of other things are making me feel that a relationship with anyone just wouldn't be feasible at the moment. I have felt that for a long time, and was the reason for stepping away from the man I talked about previously (though I regret that one.) I accept that this is just my life, though it does make me quite sad at times. The thing is the men are either scared off by the hecticness of my life or are the opposite and want to wade in and move far too fast for me. I don't want someone to come and save me, I'm pretty good at coping by myself and like my independence. I just want someone to stand by me while I do it and make me a cup of tea when things are rubbish.

I'm just popping in to wave and shout hello at Muddlewitch, PGtips, Prof and everybody else. It's been a bit of a hectic day which started with no electricity due to overnight storms. And now we have rain forecast for most of the week. Don't ever think the weather in France is more clement than in the UK!

I'm surfing on a pink cloud of mutual attraction which occasionally threatens to burst when I get more anxious. Generally, I like this state of play...even if nothing much is happening.

LovePGtips I will answer, I promise. How are you doing today Prof?

Off on the school run I go...

ps One of my close friends, a man, gave me a bit of male insight into my situation yesterday which was encouraging!

hi Muddle, you are not the only one who needs to get apersonal life - I'm infatuated but because it's so unrealistic, it's hardly 'living it' in any real sense! I was just giving an example to Prof about saying something silly - I didn't stop posting because of it, I know you need a thick skin on social media. But I had stop posting to him (apart from an odd like in gthe last month) because I felt that his lack of ANY response means he wanted me to go away. That's why I was surprised that he was nice to me face to face when I said 'hi' a couple of weks ago since, seemed not be annoyed and even I thought it was a look saying he quite likes me. NOt sure of course, maybe he was just in a good mood. I still don't wat to go back to frequent commenting because I feel like talking into the ether with no responses.

This, I'm not surprised everyone is goving you an encouraging insight - there is nothing negative about your situation and not even a question that he likes you - though it is a question what do you both want, and if it's more than a fling then yes, he needs to think more seriously. If you are worried that before the party he may continue dating others or get involved - it's not very likely based on his attraction to you, but if so - then he's not good for you anyway. But I think he's looking forward to the party and thinking how to act there (or after!).

*I feel as if I'm talking into ether..

I'll be back once the children are in bed LovePGtips!

I just had to tell you that I've had somebody on another thread completely squashing me re: car mechanic. Basically, she's written that a younger, good looking man is never going to take an older woman with baggage seriously. If he hasn't asked me out yet, she wrote, he never will because he's weighed me up and I'm just not worth the bother. Maybe a shag, he added, but that's all I'm worth.

She went on to say that he was leading me on by the pants and that I was allowing my imagination to run away with me.

I wrote that it was a shame to demean mutual attraction, regardless of how superficial or deep it was, and that I did not for one moment think that he and I would be riding off in the sunset. I also wrote that I think that physically we are equals and that it was a shame she felt the need to make it seem as though I was being a fool in this situation.

Of course, there is a lot of logic in her words but I found it appalling that someone could end up that cynical. Plenty of older women have fun, temporary relationships with younger men and I can only surmise that many of these people find equal pleasure in their time spent together.

Any thoughts Prof, PGtips and Muddlewitch, etc?

Hit me with it!

Hi Thisis I think that's a bit mean and quite cynical. She perhaps feels quite bitter and perhaps speaks from experience. I have a younger dh (3 years) and several of the approaches over the last few years have been from people in their 30s I'm in my early 40s.

If you are youthful looking and are similarly minded then I don't see an issue!

Thank you apivita! Whilst her words certainly sounded mean I think they came more from a cynical point of view which, I imagine, stemmed from any disappointment she has endured in the past.

I too have endured pain but I refuse to become blasé. Of course, I need to maintain a healthy dose of realism. If I have been so careful with my behaviour with this man until now it is certainly because I am overly cautious. I will, however, never stop believing in the magic of male/female relationships. Even if they are simply about mutual self-healing and feeling alive.

Maybe he was playing games with me to make himself feel better. Maybe he still is? Who knows. I don't think for one minute he was swept off his feet by my stunning good looks and mesmerising charisma. Or maybe he was. But, there has been nothing but respect and a good pinch of admiration on his part and hopefully on mine too.

I must confess the poster's words really dragged me down for a short while.

For your perusal, friends. An extract of what she wrote to me on the other thread:

"A much younger and clearly gorgeous man is not going to risk anything for you other than a shag, you have baggage, and the long looks are just player moves, I'm sorry to have to be the one to tell you this, I wouldn't if not the same thing had happened to me, I take no pleasure in telling you this but I am anyway. In this case, wait , really, it sounds like you are being led by your pants and imagining all sorts of reasons why he hasn't asked you out, which basically boil down to the fact that he has weighed up you're not worth the hassle. Maybe for a shag but that's about it. Don't ask this one out for the love of God."

hi This, well I just told you my thoughts exactly, before your last post. That it does depend on what do you both want. It's likely to work perfectly as a short term thing, but it could also become more of eelings develop, and NOBODY could predict that - least of all a woman who never met you or him. I think she probably thought that you only want something serious as she wasn't talkng about flings if she mentoined baggage. But I've read on Mn that even long committed relationships happen between a younger man and a woman with kids depending on the type of man and his outlook on life (not all men want kids), but yes it's the minority of cases of course. Which thread is it, This? TrafficJam's? is it a good thread useful for infatuated women like me - with any tips maybe? I 'm surprised you are sharing it on many threads, unless it is TrafficJam's. Stick to threads with nice posters! I'm sure I'd get beaten up on some threads for liking someone attached and be called a fantasist, so I'm so happy on here with kind, non-judgy people. You ar paying too much attention to one person out of many (incl your RL friends), can't you see how illogical that is?

well it it happened to her, then very understandable. But it's extremely silly to base all predictions for all people in similar situations, on the one example that happened to her! Even if it's a rule, there are always exceptions to any rule - and it's not even a rare exception - I mean as far as long term committment. But as far as romance goes , even if not long lasting, there are no rules, in fact it's very frequent that a younger man falls in love with an older woman, even if it doesn't end in marriage.

But her words certainly apply to my situation with my guy who has a younger stable GF! Not only he hasn't asked me out, he hasn't gobe for a friendly coffee because 'he hasn't asked you out, which basically boil down to the fact that he has weighed up you're not worth the hassle'. Seems spot on if cynical. Not even worth a chat over a coffee, let alone a shag (not that I'd be interested in just a shag). That hurts a bit but possibly he is truly content with GF and indeed any 'long looks' is a bit of a game for his ego, maybe!

also she seems to completely disregard the fact that you are a client - it always takes a long time for a man to risk a client complaining, they need to know you well to do it, or more likely they would wait for you to make a step. You've made yours, and NOW we'll see if he asks you out either before or after that party.

LovePGtips, my next post will be about you, ok?

You are so right about not posting on other threads. I was on MN six years ago and only just got back into it a couple of months ago. I haven't yet understood the full extent of the negative/excessive nature of certain posters. I've only posted on this one other thread simply because the title made me smile as it echoed the ongoing debate we've had here.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2649506-All-dating-gurus-say-dont-chase-a-man-let-him-chase-you-But-theres-a-flaw-in-that-plan?

I have never, for one single second, ever imagined garage man and I as longterm potential. I do hope for a lot of respect and a little FUN. I also realise there might be nothing at all although the tension has been palpable between us recently and I'm wondering where that tension will go, iyswim. I truly believe that, if he has seen me as a moral boost and fun target for his amusement only, the last time we saw each other he was not in the driving seat anymore. Excuse the pun.

I think the party is going to be tricky to organise. Firstly because I only have the children on alternate weekends and I really want them there. Secondly, because it's hard to find one weekend which suits most of our friends and children. Chances are it might not happen at all. I don't think I'm worried about whether he's seeing other girls or not. Who knows if he is? I have my life and he has his and he and I will never be serious. If I'm honest I do hope in a pathetic way that meeting me will have affected him on some level. I know meeting him has had a big impact on me. He has touched me, really. I think because he is so strong and yet vulnerable too.

I find it crazy, crazy how easily I am influenced, temporarily at least, by other people's words and thoughts. This poster managed to completely devalue what I felt he and I shared. Again, maybe a dose of realism is always good but too much casts too much negativity and disappointment.

I could almost imagine being completely standoffish the next time I see him. I don't want to be like that. But I will try to take control of myself again, like last time. That felt good. Of course, the next time 'round things will probably happen very differently again.

PGtips, if your man hasn't asked you out it has nothing to do with YOU! It has everything to do with the fact he is a good man as he's being faithful to his girlfriend.

If mine isn't asking me out it has everything to do with me.

OMG, PGtips, re-reading your post again, applying her words to your situation hurts me as much as when I was applying them to mine.

Is that pathetic of me?

Not worth the hassle. Awful to be reduced to that common denominator.

What would you like, in an ideal, imaginary world, to happen with this man of yours?

Marriage is NOT (ever, I think) something I would like to experience again. No thank you. Long term? Hmm, not for a long while. Flings? Yes please. For now, at least.

But what about you?