I've met someone and want to ask him out

[ProfessorPickles]

I've recently met someone who has really taken me by surprise. I've been single for around 3 years now, apart from a short relationship, and I'd had very little interest in men for a long time until I met him.

He's good looking but what got me by surprise is his personality, he's very smiley and has a great sense of humour. He makes me laugh and is a genuinely nice person. I haven't met someone who's even caught my eye for a long, long time so it's a little bit exciting!

The problem however, is that he's a teacher at my university. Not my teacher, but I have contact with him occasionally.
We are a similar age (I'm a slightly older student) and I will be leaving in 2 months so would wait until then.

I have no idea if he is interested in me too, but I can't believe I've had my head turned after so long of being adamant I was going to be happily alone forever so I feel it would be foolish to just ignore it.

My idea was to give him a 'thank you' card/gift as I am leaving (for helping with my work, I'll be giving them to two other members of staff) and put my number inside. I thought this would be good so he can choose to take it or leave it, as it's potentially a little bit inappropriate?
If he isn't interested he can simply ignore it to spare me the embarrassment of asking to his face! Although, I've known several teachers to get together with students once they've left so I suppose it isn't that radical of an idea.

Best case scenario: We go on a date, fall in love, get married, have children and tour the country with our family band.

Worst case scenario: He never contacts me and life goes on.

It's worth a try surely?

Prof, that's just usual 'type' that This used to go for! unlike the mechanic.

This, oh no, I couldn't possibly be indignant about his flirting as I was the one who came up to him to say 'hi' (many other people around) and started the eye contact! I mean he could have quickly looked away but I was holding it too try and read his expression - see, I had a worry that he can't stand me now as he must have noticed my attentions over the months, like I'm nearly always there when he is at events to do with my interest. I can't go into detail of what theses situations are, but the point is, he has noticed that I like him. Also just after I met him and thoughtt that he may be single, I did suggest to go out for a coffee, he then replied he was very busy - then I found out he had a GF. So he knows and then some! I didn't speak to him face to face, but there were some looks and also some social contact. So I've plucked up courage last week and thought that if he is unfriendly when I come up, or if he quickly looks away, I'll know he dislikes me so I can then move on. But it seemed like he looked with interest and even said it was good to see me again (close-up, he meant). The eye contact in the end had a flicker of flirtiness, but he was responding to me. As I say, it made me to go out with a stupid grin and very happy, but otoh I'm still nowhere. I don't think I can suggest coffee AGAIN esp as I know he has a GF now, and he knows that I know - secondly I don't see any real signs of encouragement from him even if he is was nice - so I conclude that he just enjoys the attention.
I wouldn't say you are in a fantasy still - opposite, you know him better, he likes you a lot, so what you like is a reality of him (without of course knowing ALL about him).

ooh, 1.80 is really tall - you must stand out in France! I'm that if I wear high heels - which is rare.

I mean I didn't speak to him face to face since that coffee suggestion (via email) but I did speak to him before asking him out months ago, not much though!

as for his relationship - I don't know of course how happy they are, they seem ok but GF once was publicly very posessive, it was a bit embarassing even. I though 'hmm trouble in paradise?' - but whatever the situation, I'm still nowhere with him.

Hehe This I am excited for Prof! I just don't want her to be let down.
So if it was me i'd just be super confident and ask.
Prof you say what if he is put on the spot and says yes without really meaning it...I don't think men do that....they don't do stuff they don't want to do.

When I get time tonight I will have to read this's story too.
So look out this - i'll be a cheerleader for you too, I might have to get a wee outfit and some pom poms eh? :)

Dear Whisky I would truly appreciate a cheerleader, thank you!

I wish I had your confidence. I agree with you that men don't do something unless they want to.

Have a lovely day!

Whisky, IME they could do that, especially if they like the woman as a person - but they would be a bit vague rather than say 'yes' with enthusiasm, they may come up with 'yes, a good idea' or ''sometime when we aer both less busy' or something. I think with Prof it's likely to work without any embarassment if she suggested a drink after the course in a friendly manner rather than as an obvious date because they are very friendly already - at best he'll jump at it as he will know that a friendly drink can turn into a date, at worst, if he makes excuses she'll be less embarassed. In the card though, she can be more direct without feart of rejection face to face imo.

This I do hope you'll comment on my last posts - I didn't mean to write about it as much but you'd asked so I had shared more than planed and as I say, I'm feeling a bit like a fool/sensitive about the situation, so it'd be good if you and Prof (if she wants to) commented - otherwise it looks like I wrote it as some self-indulgence!

I will absolutely comment dear LovePGtips! I'm with my three children this morning but as soon as I have head space to answer I will, I promise. Please, please don't feel uncomfortable about divulging personal info. It's no worse than ours!

Meal cooked, laundry drying, older daughter doing origami with younger daughter.

A lovely window of time to indulge in answering your post, LovePGtips.

When I read your thoughts about this unavailable guy I see two things mostly; a strong, woman who is brave in love and attraction and a woman who is pretty much smitten. I know how that feels. I also don't know, honestly, if I'd remain as smitten if I knew the guy had a girlfriend. According to car mechanic's older brother the other night he's been hopping from girlfriend to girlfriend. I don't know when and whether he's seeing somebody now. It sounded past tense to me. He was telling us about sms received from a male friend and his mother the other night but has until now never mentioned a current girlfriend; only his past girlfriend.

I'm writing all this down because it feels to me as though my guy is not in a serious relationship. I suspect he's not in a relationship at all. I'm not completely stupid; I know a man can flirt with a woman or five and be in a committed relationship at the same time. In my case he gets very flustered in my presence at times and looks at me an awful lot. And then sometimes he can't look in my eyes at all. I suspect he wouldn't be so affected if he was getting loving attention from another woman.

I could be wrong, of course.

Now, back to you, more importantly! I wonder if you have read the blogpost below which highlights the correlation between male confident behaviour and how much he likes you?

www.therulesrevisited.com/2011/12/more-confident-he-is-less-he-likes-you.html

I don't know what you think? It makes sense to me. Sometimes though bravado covers up insecurity. Intense eye contact doesn't necessarily mean he's super confident either. The question in your case is; how much impact are you having on this man? And if you truly still feel something for him perhaps your instinct is telling you he's not that committed to his girlfriend.

Disclaimer for other readers: I am NOT encouraging anyone to start something with a man who is already taken. I do think that relationships come and go and that married people are out of bounds.

I would be tempted to encourage you to ask him out for coffee again, LovePGtips....

ps I should have written that car mechanic doesn't just look at me but engages in intense eye locking and gazing. Looking sounds too casual to me.

And yours PGtips? lighthearted or deep?

thanks very much, This - I'm running out now but will read later on, just to say thanks for now.

I hope you've all had a good day, Prof, LovePGtips, bees, whisky, etc.!

Sorry just barging onto the thread! So many familiar feelings. Nothing very wise to add, except ThisIs, your story just makes me think of the Bruce Springsteen video- "I'm on Fire" .
Hope things work for you all
Link to Brucie the mechanic

Thanks again, This! I did have a nice (but long ) day so have only got time to respond.
Was nice to catch up with a male friend today, I also did go for a brief coffee with te older man from online site - he's nice enough but I didn't feel the spark at all, though we got on ok as have similar interests.The problem with these blind dates is, it becomes an interview instead of the magic building up! Anyway, hapy after a lon gcatch-up evening with the friend. I've shared my 'woes' with him about this guy. He says I'm really smitten (exactly the same word that you used!) - it must be that obvious! He thinks I should give it another try by either emailing him again or trying to bump into him after the next event for a chat so at least he can confirm he's not interested. Ths was after I read your surprising suggestion, This - that I should probably ask him out again. Mind you he said that maybe I should hang around for longer to see where his relationship is going and do nothing, but after I explained I wouldn't see the guy for three months over summer, that I should try and talk to him.
Anyway, your response, being a wise woman, is much more subtle, This! I'm equally sure that your mechanic isn't in a relationship - he's really just dating around. This guy is def in a relationship - they live together though it's recent! Been together I think a few years. I've no idea though if they are looking to get married - or if there are any problems. Of course r-ships break up after a few years, but if it did, iimagine it wouldn't be an impulsive decision. So very different from the mechanic - another difference, this guy is very busy and travels quite a bit, so less available than the mechanic who lives near you and is in a fixed-hour job - ideal for developing a new relationship without making a lot of special practical effort! I do think something will happen between you soon - there's desire on both sides and no serious obstacles, just slight barriers but they are shifting..
Regarding confidence: interesting subject. I'm sure people of both sexes aer less confident, and aer nervous, with someone they really like - especially before they get to know then and before knowing if it's mutual. No way around that! Otoh the same people are compelled to do brave/impulsive things that look very confident from the outside but it's not that - they aer hugely nervous but just compelled to try and attarct someone, hence often overdoign it. Your mechanic is nervous of course yet he had changed his clothes in front of you, but t me it's not cocky it's sort of mating ritual to try and show some bravado - generally though he's nervous. I didn't really say that 'my' guy is confident wit me - the recent strong eye-contact was instigated by me but he responded, I though he was compelled, it was a magnetic type of thing when it's hard to look away even if I knew I was being obvious - it felt like he was drawn in sincerely. It wasn#t confidence really, but neither was it a sign because some people go along with these things as they are flattering. Generally I can tell he is in much control of himself! SAying 'good to see you' did sound confident - I can't really tell if I should read much into all of that, it could be just politeness and sort of being curious/amused? about someone's amorous behaviour.
Light-hearted or deep - deep on my side (the gaze), Ithought his was too but again it may be that he purely reflected what Iwas doing for that moment.
If I ask him again and get rejected, I really couldn't be in contact again, too much! I'm also thinking he will never agree in writing as it may be seen. He might chat to me if I bump into him, but this means hanging around like a fool waiting for him to come out - and if he does not want to chat, how humiliating, face to face! What do you think, This, if I did go for it, which way to go. Or should I just forget it - as he's got my email and social media, and if he doesn't do anything , it means he's happy with his r-ship and no point in these approaches. I know situations can be complex, but I don't want to push for anything, it's only if it's already weak that anything could happen. But for all iknow they might be planning marriage though I'm not sure why i thasn't happened already.

Oh God, sorry for the essay! no more of these.

Good morning! First things first, misslemonsfilingcabinet, you are a star! Thank you for putting a big smile on my face early this morning with that video!

Dear LovePGtips, keep those essays coming! I think it is so important to let the words pour out when living complex situations. It's good you are speaking about it with RL friends too. Things will be clearer in the not so distant future for you. By thrashing things about here and in RL you will know what to do.

So many conflicting feelings in such as situation as yours; again, I completely understand. Your guy has your social media contacts but he is not going to get in touch with you since he has admitted to being in a relationship with you. (That proves he's a decent guy; one point in his favour for that.) If you read that link I sent you you might want to take the time to click on the link in the blog post about the extremely humorous but very logical 'Ladder Theory'. It'll take you around 15 minutes to read, I guarantee you will chuckle out loud and it might lead you to the often spoken conclusion that men and women cannot be friends. (Of course they can but, according to the male writer of this blog, such friendships happen despite a man's attraction for the girl/woman and usually on the woman's terms.) I'm encouraging you to read this because you should banish all false pretences of being just mates with this guy of yours. You are either more than friends or nothing at all.

So, the big decision here is whether to invite him for coffee or not. It all boils down to which outcome you can live with the most serenely: going all out, risking everything for love with a possible rejection from him (or not) or living with this uncertainty and lack of clarity and frustration which might lead to a positive outcome, if things are meant to be, in the future.

I suspect you and I have a lot in common but I also believe that you are more direct than I am in such situations. Good for you! I drive myself crazy sometimes putting distance between myself and the other person and protecting myself so much of the time. You need to do what is most comfortable for YOU.

Keep those questions coming if it helps you LovePGtips. We are here for you.

Now, onto me. I spoke with a very, very dear friend who I used to be very close to in Paris when our daughters were little (both are twenty now). We lost touch, mostly because of my husband (long story) and, as luck would have it, I found here again living in my CITY! We immediately met up again, the old magic of true friendships was still there and she has since moved back to Paris again. She is a beautiful person with a lot of talent. She cures patients with plants, runs a vegetarian restaurant, writes books and has a wonderfully philosophical take on life.

I told her about my situation in the knowledge that, whatever she advised me to do, it would resonate and make sense to me. She's also been in a relationship with a much, much younger man in the past. She thought my story was beautiful in every possible way. Not only because of the chemistry but also because of the self-healing on my part (possibly on his too, I hope?). She gently urged me to let him make the next move from now on. Having lived in our city for a few years she knows the way people behave and think here; it's so very different to Paris where everything goes. She said he needs to make a decision to be with me as he will have the voice of reason coming from his family, friends and society in general. She was not negative about the outcome in the slightest, just realistic. She also said that he had probably put me on a pedestal as (her words, certainly not mine) I tend to shine brightly with a lot of positive energy which would both unsettle him and attract him in equal measures.

So, I am very glad to have spoken with her. There are times when this situation frustrates me but most of the time I think it's quite beautiful. Truthfully, I would love the chance to make this guy happy but I'm prepared to bide my time and give life and him a chance to make the right decision.

Please quote me on this when I am tearing my hair out in a few weeks time!!!! And yes, of course, I will continue to be open and receptive next time I see him.

ps I was surprised my friend assumed he would have spoken with his family and friends about me. Very surprised indeed.

So, I wonder how Prof is fairing today?

Any news from Prof? No news is good news?

Don't get your hopes up, I've just been too stressed to reply
Had a great day with another student, she's really made me laugh today. She's daft and hilarious and brings out my mad side!
I told her I was planning on asking to his face and she said it was a good idea and described it as "ballsy"

Saw him today and he said hello, that's all I have. We can speculate about the meanings behind it

How's everyone else doing?
Sorry for my absence!

A 'hello' can hide a thousand feelings, ey Prof? I'm glad you got to have a fun day laughing with your friend. Sometimes, those are the very best!

My feelings about making a move etc. with my man have changed in a fairly radical way after talking to my good friend on the 'phone this morning. I've written about it above so will not bore you to tears repeating it all. In my case she firmly believes I should let him make the next move as there's a lot at stake for him.

So, I'm sitting tight and daydreaming and crossing my fingers and toes AND remaining philosophical at the same time. What will be will be and all that.

I posted away back near the start of this thread but I have still been following it.
I have probably missed loads as I get user names mixed up etc....
Prof I think you need to chat to your tutor man and just ask if he fancies a drink when uni finishes up.
That way you wont have the 4 week wait of torture!
You sound like you both have a laugh together so it isnt beyond the realms of fantasy that you want to see him outwith uni.

Thank you ThisIs, she's 25 years older than me and we just get on so well. I'm very old for my age and she's very young for hers so we kind of meet in the middle!
Haha a hello does indeed hide a thousand feelings. Or it just shows he's nicer than the other teachers because they don't usually say hello if marching around all busy and such

I genuinely need something doing tomorrow, I should do it myself by I'm hoping he can do it twice as fast! And of course him doing it alone is a bonus.

Ooh I just can't accept this sitting and waiting business!! maybe do it for a while but then get cracking if he isn't making a move soon enough, what if he gets the impression you aren't so keen and daren't ask! And he may be afraid of you reporting him to his boss for being inappropriate or something? As it could lose his boss business etc.

I'm all set ready to ask tutor man face to face (where this bravery has come from I do not know!) and I think you should join me

Hi Wee, it's hard to follow threads sometimes isn't it! Especially long rambley ones like this one
I'm definitely up for just asking him now, I'm tired of waiting and I'm ready to rip the plaster off so to speak. I'm quite excited and feeling a little empowered. I've never done anything like this before so it's exciting to just be doing it, never mind what the response is!

This thank you for your very wise and kind words! It's quite a coincidence often - your words and my thoughts even before I read them. For example today, after meeting up with my friend yesterday (male by the way - so yes, men and women can be friends but it is a bit on my terms), I wrote to him to say how all that rather intense talking from me has taken the tension away quite a bit, and so has my essay yesterday on here(sorry about the length of it - no I won't keep going as I'll bore everyone, also I don't feel I need to thankfully) - talking it out seems to be therapeutic and that's why these thread are so helpful, but also of course the great advice. I feel calmer today and somehow I the decision came to me very clamly that I should NOT write to him again asking him out. The most I would do is see if there is a chance to chat after te next event (soon) but not go out of my way much. Oterwise, just as you say. This, what will be will be, and my guy has even more at stake if he decides to make any move due to having a GF, so really it's up to him and I shouldn't harrass him. I've also read yesterday somewhere that if fthere is a strong vibe on both sides, the man will do something - if it's one-sided than absolutely no point is there! But if nothing happens in the next couple of weks, I think I'll force myself to move on mentally as I won't see him for several months - and it'd be just very unhealthy for me.
Btw he didn't tell me he wasn't single - I found out from social media, and that's how I know what she looks like. When I asked him out for a 'friendly coffee' initially he din't tell me anything as he didn;t know me, and it's no secret to anyone that he has a GF but at that point I didnt know.
With your situation, This and your friend's advice - I think she meant that you've already madea move by inviting him to the party, so yes, the natural next step is for him to initiate something. I mean you could too - but having read how different it os from Paris, it makes sense to be more reserved. And I agree that he has you on a pedesta, not too much though which is goodl. But I really very much doubt that he will be discussing you with his relatives - that would imply a serious relatiomship! I think he'd only do that at a later stage of things move to more serious. As you say he had a nummvber of GFs recently so I'm sure he doesn't report or discuss that with relatives! He also will need to know yo aer interested in him first - and whether you want just a fling (which you say you do, or something more. I don't how public you wante dto be if you had a fling - I thought you meant not so public, but maybe I misunderstood. If you both want to be open about it, then I still think he on't be telling people unless he thinks you both want a relationship.
I'm pretty sure he will make a nove during the party - but it would be better if sooner - are you seeing him soon?

Prof great to haev a distraction fron yoyr thoughts! But I hope you aer still going to walk past his office or be there early, tomorrow maybe?

Hello PG, how're you? I'm sorry that I've been neglecting the thread my head is allover at the minute.
I think what you have posted makes a lot of sense, and do not worry about the length of your posts it isn't boring in the slightest. We all have our own stories going on that are all different and contribute to the thread so please don't worry, that's what we are here for.
I think in this situation backing off a little and letting him come to you is possibly a good idea, but obviously remain friendly. Like you say, he's the one with something to risk and if there's something there it's up to him to come to you and decide whether to end his relationship. It is a very difficult situation to be in, it makes things even more complicated doesn't it.
I hope it comes to an end for your soon PG whether he makes some sort of move or you manage to get him out of your head! Although that feels impossible at times doesn't it.

I don't know if I've mentioned this, ThisIs, but I was thinking about the he's been going from girlfriend to girlfriend comment. And it could have just been a joke that sounds worse than it is, I went on two dates in a relatively short space of time and had a similar joke made about me although it wasn't a big deal at all. It could be something similar!

PG, I've been making an effort to use a different entrance which takes me past his room to maximise my chances he's in a completely different area of the building to me and lately he's always in my area, but busy as always.
I'm going in tomorrow and will be passing a couple of times, I'll be calling in for some help with something too so I'll try catch him when it's quiet!

ah that's good, Prof - you've found something to ask his help on! good luck for tomorrow. I'm sure you'll get a chance to chat a bit very soon - you've put enough effort already to get some reward! at least you aer in the same building!

Thank you - I do feel a bit more balanced after a deep dialogue with This yesterday and also off-loading to the friend. I do think that my situation is not like yours where it's straight-forward, as far as there is a mutual desire to date (which still needs confirming of course), like yours and This's. Mine is potentially open to huge disapproval and all sorts of tribulations - so of course it's quite selfish to want him for myself - unless of course the GF isn't content for whatever reason.

So I don't feel I can be self-indulgent, I mainly prefer to support you two - I had some sort of emotional overspill after meeting him and that gaze last week, so I needed to talk but I don't feel like regularly going on about it - thank you though for being nice about it. I will of course update if I decide something more - the urgency is also because I will see him once within next two weeks and then not for ages, and not much in autumn. I can only 'remain friendly' on social media but I'm a lot less involved now because it sucks you in! I've decided against writing a message as GF can see it on his device, and also I do feel it's OTT doing it for the second time! I'd be good to come up and chat - but variables, like he may not be alone after the event or will leave quickly - and I did come up to say hi last week, so it can come across as too 'determined'.