I've met someone and want to ask him out

[ProfessorPickles]

I've recently met someone who has really taken me by surprise. I've been single for around 3 years now, apart from a short relationship, and I'd had very little interest in men for a long time until I met him.

He's good looking but what got me by surprise is his personality, he's very smiley and has a great sense of humour. He makes me laugh and is a genuinely nice person. I haven't met someone who's even caught my eye for a long, long time so it's a little bit exciting!

The problem however, is that he's a teacher at my university. Not my teacher, but I have contact with him occasionally.
We are a similar age (I'm a slightly older student) and I will be leaving in 2 months so would wait until then.

I have no idea if he is interested in me too, but I can't believe I've had my head turned after so long of being adamant I was going to be happily alone forever so I feel it would be foolish to just ignore it.

My idea was to give him a 'thank you' card/gift as I am leaving (for helping with my work, I'll be giving them to two other members of staff) and put my number inside. I thought this would be good so he can choose to take it or leave it, as it's potentially a little bit inappropriate?
If he isn't interested he can simply ignore it to spare me the embarrassment of asking to his face! Although, I've known several teachers to get together with students once they've left so I suppose it isn't that radical of an idea.

Best case scenario: We go on a date, fall in love, get married, have children and tour the country with our family band.

Worst case scenario: He never contacts me and life goes on.

It's worth a try surely?

Oh prof I think you've managed to build up all these expectations and are basically looking into every action in its minutiae!

I would suggest just popping round at lunch time and if he's there, say 'hey was hoping you are here, would you like to grab lunch?!' Even if it's just a walk to the cafeteria and back, you get to do that. If it's sitting down and eating, even better. Honestly, don't think too much about it.

I've spent many a time looking for lunch buddies so if someone popped round my office and it was lunch, I usually say 'want to eat together?'. I say that to men, women. Young and not so young!

And if he says 'no he's got another meeting or whatever, take it as that. And then give him the card and say 'well that's a pity. But never mind. I wanted to give you this card anyway. Thanks for your help during xxx class and I hope we can keep in touch. I really enjoyed your help/advice... Whatever.' And give him the card. Say also, 'would you like to catch up over a drink once exam madness is over?'

If he says yes, great. If not, then you know...

You sound like a confident person. It's just the nerves!!!

there's nothing in particular you need to do, Prof. Try and focus on the future point where you will give him the card, and meanwhile if it happens that you get him alone - good but of not, don't feel so disappointed, it's not good for you to get 'fed up' - I thought it may happen if you don't find the chance. I think, don't do too much trying to bum into him - but try a couple of times first thing in the morning and also when leaving - or try coming going by his office just before lunchbreak ends! Is it about 3 wks to go?

This, yes I can see how 'the magic' needs to develop - I usually ask someone out when I feel it has developed and when I really can't wait anymore - i.e. to me there was enough tension, too much in fact, so something needs to be done! I usually meet men at their workplace so it falls to me to make the move as I have their details and they don't have mine (this is do with my work /interests but I'm self-employed and visit various places to do with that). I don't meet men in social situations much (not single ones anyway) so there are very few occasions when we are both in a position to show initiative. I would never not do it because of shyness though - I'd feel worse if I didn't try, would feel weak somehow. But it's a shame that there is lack of single men (I'm about your age, This) so they tend to be much younger (like your guy!) or much older, and then you have to like them strongly. I'd prefer it if I could meet men socially a lot - I'm actually very good at flirting and making someone want to make a move - I prefer it because it does work best in mist cases, but I don't get the chance really. I don't mind asking them out either but it's always that waiting for a response that's nerve-wrecking and also building up to it etc - it'd be nice if someone was in that position for once (talking about recent years). I do sort of resent the fact that a woman is supposed to be waiting for either a huge buiild-up of tension or for a man to ask her out, yes it can work (even read a few success stories on MN where they got married later) but it still works less often, or is a slower process longer-term, than when a man asks first.

In your situation I think it definitely has to come from you eventually as he does look up at you and you aer a client and all other things we mentioned. So it's good you've made a step with a party invite - and you may feel more courage later. You could mention that your divorce is coming soon. Strange rules in France - a long wait! Here it can be done in 3-5mnths in total (divorce) if parties agree. Of course if someone is being difficult it can take 2 yrs or more! Sounds like your H can't do anything else now to slow it down at least, that's great.

of course, having said it, This, I often find that the tension build-up so much on my end but on theirs (as mainly they had turned out not to be single) - on their end it was a bit of flirting and an ego boost maybe, so I got a number of 'thanks, but I can't/too busy' - it's interesting that not everyone says 'I have a GF/am married' but I find out soon after from other people or social media. In your case, it's so great that you are both genuinely free and there's no obstacles to your attraction - only a little bit as you are a client but it's not anything serious.

God, another botched sentence! Meant to be 'often find that the tension build-up is so strong on my end but not on theirs'
argh! haven't had my coffee yet.

It's definitely frustrating ThisIs! It's the waiting that is so hard because it gives you time to get your hopes up and then have them knocked back down over and over. If he wasn't a teacher it'd be over by now, a bit like ripping the plaster off if you get me? Where this feels like slowly peeling the plaster off and it's making it so much worse than it needs to be!

I think all I can do now is to casually walk past his room as much as possible but stop attempting to see him if you get me?
I suppose if he does like me then another 4 weeks shouldn't make a difference, I just feel a bit like I want to keep my foot in the door by seeing him a few more times, assuming my foot was ever in the door.

4.5 weeks left to go, it seems to be dragging like mad!

Bees - you're spot on, I am a very confident person! It's just the nerves that are building up from all the waiting.
Asking him for lunch wouldn't work in the set up as things are, but there's still the card and I'm definitely going to give him that as a minimum.

Not feeling too fed up overall, just fed up of the waiting specifically as you can imagine!
I won't be devastated if he's not interested but I just want to know. I want to rip off the bloody plaster

I think all I can do now is to casually walk past his room as much as possible but stop attempting to see him if you get me?
that's exactly what I was suggesting in today's posts! You don't want to try too hard as that makes you feel negative and also you get more and more invested without knowing the outcome.
Been there myself - it's a torture to wait and keep hoping/being positive!
And I was hoping it's only 3 wks to go!! Still I'm sure you WILL get him alone soon, a good mathenatical chance if it's a few weks still to go!

Yes! I was half quoting you
You're spot on, expecting to see him gets my hopes up for no reason.

I was thinking it was 3 weeks too but when I've looked on the calendar it's 4.5! It feels like bloody forever both in terms of him and my uni work, it's dragging so badly.

I can't imagine I will have 'gone off' him in 4.5 weeks, so if he's interested hopefully he won't too!

I don't tend to think too much about it when I like someone, maybe just chat about it to my friends. But I just had a lightning moment when I met him that hasn't fizzled out in the slightest. I'm not used to it!

All I hope is that he will message me whether it's a yes or a no, that would end the saga nicely even if he's not wanting to see me again. It'd feel like a positive ending rather than never hearing back at all

Ps, thank god for you lot!

yes, it will be a relief, one way or another, though I do still have a positive feeling about it - just praying no one will suddenly distract him (if he meets someone new away from Uni), though obv if that's the case he's not meant to be for you anyway. But it'd be nice if you got your chance first haha!

I know exactly about that strong kind of lightning moment - with the unavaiable guy I told you about, I thought it would subside the more I see him (I don't usually talk to him directly), but instead it got deeper! Very hard to just forget about it! Was you lightning moment soon after you met him, or unexpectedly happened after knowing him a while from a distance? you probably said but I can't remember.

But I still don't see the problem in going out with a tutor who isn't tutoring you?
It's not forbidden.

s it more if he says no you will feel embarrassed or something?

I've read all your posts and you haven't done it!!! Just do it woman!

PG - fingers crossed he doesn't meet anyone! But it's out of my hands if he does.
On a positive side, he keeps seeing me in passing so that's better than nothing.

I wish I'd have asked the mutual friend while I got chance. But I'm so relieved I didn't when he could hear

I wonder if there is anything to these lightning moments PG. I remember a thread on here something about if you liked your partner when you first met, and a fair few said "the second I saw him I knew I was going to marry him" or that their partner had said it about them. I imagine there will be tonnes more cases where people have thought it and it hasn't happened etc.
But for me, I was happily single and couldn't be less interested in meeting someone and after talking to him for 5 minutes I went home and told my mum I'd met my future husband, in a lighthearted way, but I've never once had that feeling or thought before. Is it embarrassing to admit that?
So that's what kind of makes this different, usually I think "ooh he's nice" then that's about it and feel quite relaxed about it.

So yes, it was immediate! But then like you PG, it has deepened the more I've spent time with him.

Whisky - he isn't my tutor, but he is permanently available to help me at any time I need so I feel that kind of does make him my tutor a little? If he was absolutely nothing to do with me it'd be different. If he was a student too it would make life so much easier!
I am a little worried I'll feel embarrassed but not so much that it'll stop me either IYSWIM?

Dokey - I'm sorry to disappoint come back in 4.5 weeks for the grand finale!

Also, I should add. That when I heard about people instantly thinking they've met their future husband or wife, I thought it was a bit dramatic and weird to be honest. And now I've pretty much done the same

It was such a strange thought to pop into my mind!

But you say " fingers crossed he doesn't meet anyone! But it's out of my hands if he does" then talk about imagining him being your husband!!

I think its just time lost. It's being built up and up and could all be for nothing. Even if you did get together you still have to date so in the 4.5 weeks it will probably be 1 date a week hardly that bad if he does help with you.
What will you do if he is sick at the end of the course and misses the drinks thing or whatever?

I've only just found this thread - and have totally fallen in love..... cannot wait to hear how these pan out (blatant place mark)

I'm not saying I think he will be! Just it popped into my mind the second I met him which is bizarre for me, and wondered aloud if it would be significant.

But it definitely is out of my hands, I can't do anything to prevent him meeting someone else!

I'm really not convinced it's professional for a teacher to date a student, I can't imagine it would go down well if we did before I left. It's not a risk I'm willing to take, I just can't imagine that it's appropriate! I could realistically have been working with him almost daily the entire time he's been here which would make him my teacher?

Well what about just asking now if he would like to go for a drink when your course ends?

I just can't imagine taking this long!

I'm tempted whisky, it has crossed my mind. Although I feel a little nervous, if we got chance to talk properly alone and it was going well, I'd be happy to say "I'm leaving in four weeks and wondered if you'd like to go for a drink" etc.
But I just need the opportunity!

Yes I also think it's fine to talk about meeting up after the course ends already. I think it would have happened in the last week tbh if you've managed to find a moment to chat one to one with him - maybe following the flirty comments you imagined. The problem is, you couldn't get him alone for the last week. But if you did soon and it turns to a flirty mode, then I'd mention meeting up after the course if it were me!

I do think that actually dating would be inappropriate before leaving, he will not go for that either. You could of course have a friendly coffee at lunchbreak why not, as far as it doesn't look to all like a date, being all flirty etc!

I always find it fascinating to read about that first sight knowledge some people have that this person is your potential H/W! I love those threads. As you say, many have also thought that but nothing happened, so I wouldn't see it as a guarantee of anything, even of your own feelings or your judgement - it may just be a coincidence, like he reminded you of someone and you didn't realise, or you hormones - whatever, though I think if it's deepened since, and you did spend time together, it's promising. I do think that in many cases the gut instinct is right, so you can't ignore it but try not to see it as a done thing, of course. And it's not embarassing, I think it's very romantic!

ha cross-posted with your last one!

You need to just knock on his door - or drop him an email. can you do that?

Couple of years ago I had students come by after the end of term. Knocked on my door, I said 'come in', and they stood there with a bouquet of flowers and a card! that was really amazing! :)

I've also had students drop by at the end of classes/term but before they graduated with presents. I've had a posh scarf (think luxury brand), bottles of alcohol, chocolate, ... yes they were my students (ie I taught them) but still it was a pleasant surprise...

point is, you can approach us. we are not God! ;)

btw I assume he knows for sure that you are leaving in 4 wks! if not, definitely tell him, he might even suggest something himself.

sometimes, you also have to seize the opportunity. someone gave me his email address last week (nothing dodgy !) and I've had his email sitting on my desk for about a week now, and I've not contacted him. As each day passes, I feel that I'm losing the opportunity to do so. Today/tomorrow will be the last opportunity I think. and it's not even a romantic thing!!

All I need is fifteen uninterrupted minutes of his time! Then hopefully it'd lead to me asking and ending this madness
I'm still gobsmacked this thread has continued, I expected a good flaming when I originally posted!

Yes I find it fascinating too, I always thought it was unbelievable to feel that way upon meeting someone and that maybe they were someone who felt that way easily about everyone they meet IYSWIM?
Definitely not taking it as a guarantee, my default setting is "he's going to say no", but I think that feeling is giving me the confidence to go "sod it, nothing to lose" as well.

I'll try catch the mutual friend again too and see if she can shed any light

Bee - The plan for all my teachers when I left was to either buy some hand made chocolates (there's a posh shop near me!) or bake something as a little token gift and give them cards thanking them for their help. I imagine I'll be the only one to do so from my group, I think it's important to make people feel appreciated when they've helped you!

I feel like there's a boundary between students and teachers, which is right in a sense but makes me feel a little intimidated in a way too! I'm definitely going to give him the card with a direct message in, but I've decided I'm really going to try and verbally suggest it too! Like you say he might get the card and delay responding.

I'm excited to just go for it, even though it leaves me open to embarrassment etc. But I'm getting to the point where I don't care and just want to ask!