I've met someone and want to ask him out

[ProfessorPickles]

I've recently met someone who has really taken me by surprise. I've been single for around 3 years now, apart from a short relationship, and I'd had very little interest in men for a long time until I met him.

He's good looking but what got me by surprise is his personality, he's very smiley and has a great sense of humour. He makes me laugh and is a genuinely nice person. I haven't met someone who's even caught my eye for a long, long time so it's a little bit exciting!

The problem however, is that he's a teacher at my university. Not my teacher, but I have contact with him occasionally.
We are a similar age (I'm a slightly older student) and I will be leaving in 2 months so would wait until then.

I have no idea if he is interested in me too, but I can't believe I've had my head turned after so long of being adamant I was going to be happily alone forever so I feel it would be foolish to just ignore it.

My idea was to give him a 'thank you' card/gift as I am leaving (for helping with my work, I'll be giving them to two other members of staff) and put my number inside. I thought this would be good so he can choose to take it or leave it, as it's potentially a little bit inappropriate?
If he isn't interested he can simply ignore it to spare me the embarrassment of asking to his face! Although, I've known several teachers to get together with students once they've left so I suppose it isn't that radical of an idea.

Best case scenario: We go on a date, fall in love, get married, have children and tour the country with our family band.

Worst case scenario: He never contacts me and life goes on.

It's worth a try surely?

Thank you beesarethebest for your encouragement and kind words!

I agree with LovePGtips, Peebles; we are the prize and it's good to remember that and your advice here is refreshing. However, in the light of how hopelessly shy and goofy a few of us on this thread are, we run the risk of playing so hard to get that we let the moment pass.

You're very insightful and give great advice too LovePGtips! If I had offered him a drink I would have set myself up for a rejection. The garage normally closes at 6pm and he turned up at 6.30pm. He would have had to finish the job quickly to return so that the boss could close shop and go home as he had the breakdown truck, etc. I was on my way out with a very good friend of mine and his friends shortly after so asking him to come back after work was not possible. Plus, I don't think my cowardly heart would have been up for it.

The party seemed a manageable solution to test the waters. My heart has been through so much pain since my husband left me over a year ago and, in typical narcissistic manner, has attacked and undermined me ever since. I have mourned the end of our marriage; he's been a bastard to me and there's no better way to get over someone than seeing how horrible they are to you. I am aware I have to nurse my feelings though and however much I want to seize the day I need to tread carefully. Baby steps and all that.

He was open to the party invitation. This leads me to believe that, if I feel courageous in the very near future, I can ask him out for a drink first.

The attraction is most definitely there and he's receptive to my highly hormone-charged behaviour. I'm not sure how to see/say this but I think he assumes that nothing can happen with me - I'm a client, an older woman - and the respect he shows me (which is really sweet, actually) is a way of setting limits for himself.

I might be wrong, of course.

Yes indeed prof it was quite bizarre. However, within that same group, there was another chap who was clearly flirting and it was v flattering. And frankly, if I wasn't married, something would have happened. We texted quite a lot for a while and it was 'not right' .

I hope you manage to get an email to him or some sort of plan for next week. For me for example, I have a v busy week next week and I'll hardly be in my office. Student tend to have to make appointments with me ahead of time if they want to see me, this week however I was mostly in my office doing work but alone (ie not running around the place in meetings!). So... Good luck!

It's great you are here for Prof, beesarethebest. She must be so pleased to have your perspective on things from the 'other side of the desk'!

I would pop down and say "I probably won't see you much over the next few weeks so just wanted to give you this to say thanks for your help" then give home the card with your number in and a message saying "call if you want to meet for a drink at the end of term"

This as ok, I didn't realise he was in a rush to get back because the boss was waiting - some mechanics aer allowed to lock up, I'm guessing! Also I meant just 20 min or - a quick drink and a chat, but I get it, maybe too much time pressure and you aer still finding your feet. Thank you for sharing about your process of recovering from a bad marriage, I'm sorry to hear that the ex was a narcissist, ouch! Yes in this case it's quite hard to shift to a brazen mode, so it's good that the mechanic sounds like a gentle and respectful guy who is in awe with you a bit - maybe he senses that you need a gentle approach. Of course it's good that he said yes to the invite (and no doubt punching the air once he was by himself, haha)! Yes, he can't be too hopeful or too confident - you are not just older, but a responsible mother with THREE kids, while he's carefree, you aer a writer (does he know that) and that to him might mean you wouldn't be really interested in a lower-status men (I mean of course it happens, but he can't be confident) and you are a client! You aer probably quite high on pedestal for him - another danger that it will take a romantic turn (at least for him) rather than a bit of a fling. The party invite shows him you see him as more than a bit of a toyboy. So you are both quite vulnerable atm in different aspects. All I'm saying is, it can work out as a relationship in the end or nothing at all, the way it's going, I doubt it will be a little fling. But I think your intuition will become sharper then more you know him, so you can decide later what to go for!

Prof, isn't better to catch up with him when he's leaving after work? Hang around at the entrance hall? pretend you are reading something or waiting for a friend? Trying every day is a bit futile as he always has visitors and you may get 'fed up' unnecessarily.

that was 'ah ok' in the first sentence!

I'm struggling to keep up with my own thread, I'm terrible

Peebles - I did the leaving it ages between seeing him and I can't remember exactly what he said when he saw me but he turned around and said something along the lines of "oh it's you" and had a big smile He was helping someone else and listening to my conversation with another student and I looked over and he smiled at what I'd said all lovely. That was the same day that someone said I looked gorgeous infront of him, I got a ridiculous amount of compliments that day so I hope he thought I looked nice!

LovePG - I think eye contact is one of the biggest signs, and what you've described sounds promising to me! I think you can tell the difference between a normal gaze and one that lingers a little! I'm fairly certain you don't repel him from the sounds of that

ThisIs - yes you are right, having Bees insight is much appreciated as I feel a bit like she has a good understanding. Thank you Bees! Sometimes I feel like "he's a teacher so would never be interested" but that you felt interested in some of your students makes me realise it isn't unheard of. I even know of teachers married with kids to ex students so it's silly I feel he is above me for example just for being a teacher. I might be one myself in two years time!

LovePG again - I tried catching him on his way out but it seems people hang around until that time. I'm thinking of going in extra early instead because nobody will be around when he starts! I can say I've been up really early so thought I may as well come in early and get some flirting work done

Prof, yes extra early is another good option if you aer an early bird! personally I look half asleep and grumpy early in the mornings so I'd never try to see a potential love interest ha, but if you are all fresh and chirpy morning type - I'm envious, and go for that! The good side is, it'll make the whole day happy, instead of stressing all day. Have a chat prepared more or less though, less of the 'alrights' haha.

Thanks for saying that his gazing was a good sign - but I feel like my hands are tied, it's a bit stupid to keep smiling or looking at him at a distance when it can go nowhere (meaning he doesn't want it to if he's happily attached), I did make a light hearted comment too (not to do with me liking him!) and then he said it as nice to see me - but this was in a very busy place and he was occupied. I was so tempted to say, well you can see me much more often then this but obviously inappropriate. I'm not brave enough to barge in for a longer talk when he's with a fewer people because of his non-single status. Sigh. I will go out with someone next week for a drink - but it's so hard to switch mentally to someone else.

oh and we will keep your thread going when you want a break (I'm sure sometimes you want to distract yourself) - don't worry about it stopping as we are all invested!

I find it hard to switch mentally to someone else too PG, I really annoy myself with it as it frustrates me! I think you're doing the right thing though as the other guy is not single. Maybe once you get on the date you will find you like the person than you expect (of course, if that happens you must report the news to us immediately.)

Going in early sounds like a good idea Prof maybe you could yawn a bit and mention you could do with a coffee

To be honest, if a student dropped me an email about having an end of term drink, I'd be quite happy to oblige.

I'm leaving my position soon and upon that announcement I've had several students email me expressing dismay but also wanting to meet up for a drink. That to me is similar to the 'end of year/term drink'. I am pretty sure none of these students are interested in me in that way and I'm happy to oblige. We might combine it with others or we might do a one 2 one.

Go for it. Don't overthink it.

Yes go for it OP. If you were an 18 year old sixth former that would be different. As an adult you are free to express an interest in a tutor ( even better that he is NOT your tutor).

Muddle, haha I will report immediately! I'm not hugely hopeful though. NOt surprised in your case hat you are still stuck a bit - as I understand it's been going on for a while - but I can't remember whether you actually dated that guy?

PG - I feel terrible on a morning and I'm definitely not a morning person, but I probably look my best because my make up is at freshest I hope for there to be fewer alrights haha!

I know exactly what you mean about not being able to be interested in anyone else, I was asked on a date and although he was really nice and attractive I just couldn't muster up any excitement about it at all.
That's a shame he isn't single, and must make it incredibly difficult for you if you like him so much. It can't be helped can it sometimes.
Years ago I really liked someone who was engaged and I told my friend and she was all disgusted and shocked, it wasn't like I was going to act on it! But you can't help who you end up falling for can you unfortunately
It's good that you all keep the thread going too, it's nice to see what everyone else is thinking and going through. It's a welcome distraction and makes me feel less silly!

Thank you Bees and Another, I will definitely go for it! I'm tempted to still put my number in the card but if things go well from now I might hand him it and say "I've put my number in if you fancy going for a drink"?

Definitely better that he isn't my tutor! If he was there'd be no chance I'd dare ask I don't think.

Hope everyone is well and having a good weekend!

Prof, not sure about saying 'fancy....' anything - unless you escaate your contact a lot before giving the card to him. I'd rather say , if you have to say anything, 'Mu number is in the card if you want to catch up after I leave'. I mean you could say 'fancy a drink' - but I thought you were feeling shy and it's much more direct, not that it will stop him if he's interested!
How did you shake it off, Prof - your feeling for that engaged guy? Did it go once you start dating someone, or just faded away? Anyway, this is why I say that no way you should chicken out, the single men who you cab get excited about are really not dime a dozen, so it'd be a crime not to take your chance. Even if you are not sure how he feels but have a bit of hope. If you think you might chicken out on your last day there, do it a little before then.

oh and I meant to ask - did you get any signs of interest at all from the engaged guy - or did you know it was definitely one-sided but that didn't stop your feelings? I think if someone was completely unresponsive, my interest would fade quite soon. I can survive on crumbs but I'm not selfless if there is nothing at all!

Ah, just found this thread and have been having a look through the posts...I just wanted to say that I developed a MASSIVE crush on one of my lecturers during my Masters course....10 years later we are now married and have a 5 month old little girl! So, it can and does happen! Go for it!

aw so happy for you, tessie! so tell us, did you make the first step??

I agree with PG, prof you need to actually speak more with the person before you do the whole fancy a drink thing, especially in the card. All the people I've gone out for lunch or drinks with are people I've actually spoken to at lengths. Then feel comfortable swapping mobile numbers or emails and then continuing from there. These are all people I like (as people) or people I've been interested in. And not just students, but colleagues, and others. Men and women.

I've got a recently made friend who's a mum of my child's friend and we've become quite close rather quickly. We talk a lot, text quite a bit. Another child's friend's mum, I somehow don't quite click as much (still nice but nothing much in common), so the thought of going for a drink or lunch with her isn't that attractive as with the first friend. Does that make sense? the first friendship has been cultivated...

For students, I usually don't give them my mobile number unless there's a need. However towards the end of term, particularly if I think they are mature/nice/not stalkers, I might share my number. Sometimes we move on to a more personal friendship (male and female) and sometimes it remains professional.

bees I didn't mean it quite like that - because OP did speak to the tutor many times already! he helped her with her work and they've flirted verbally a bit! I only meant that if she goes for a direct 'fancy a drink' which is somehow more obvious than 'catch up over a drink' - she needs to build up on the flirting/chatting front more. As it is, just the card is fine because they do know each other quite a bit by now.

but what you say, bees, is right generally - I've made this mistake by suggesting a drink to someone in an email after speaking just once. Well he was nice but politely declined citing 'lack of time' - cringe! turned out he wasn't single but I think even if he wasn't, he'd feel like he wasn't ready because he's not a very confident (with women) type. Mind you, I had no way to speak to him for a while that's why I did it - but OP's situation is good, they do seem to be attracted t each other AND he is single most likely.

Yes I re-read what op has said and I think if they've established some sort of friendship then she really needs to just go see him tomorrow, lament the end of term and say 'hey the weather's perking up, fancy lunch out one of these days?' And take it from there. Drinks might be a bit much if he feels that might trespass the line between staff/student but lunch is harmless. That way, lunch allows undisturbed time alone and allows them to get to know each other. Talk about hobbies, past life etc.

I would caution against the entire assumption about being single. The reason I say this is because I had a friend (still a friend) who I met when i was living overseas and for the 2 years I was there, never once disclosed that he was actually in a serious relationship/engaged. And no it was not an arranged marriage or something like that. And she was even living in the same city as us (and the rest of our group of friends).

We went out frequently (me and him) together with our other friends and many people assumed we (me and him) were dating or at least he was considered my 'plus one'.

When he finally told me (this was a few weeks before I was due to relocate, and he was also relocating, to the next city - same as mine!) I was shocked/annoyed/angry all at the same time.

There was always a frisson between us and perhaps if either of us as single, something might have happened. But he didn't tell me about her, and he knew about mine so...

So you need to have a proper chat with your teacher OP!

PG - I don't know if it's just something or say, or something from where I live, but I say "do you fancy doing XYZ" all of the time and it feels like a casual question!
Bad news PG but it was actually when I left work and went to uni that my feelings eventually faded. He definitely gave signals back that he liked me, he would always be coming to see me at work and wasn't quite flirtatious but I could tell he was interested. Once when we had been on a works do we had a really long lingering hug.
If it was one sided I'm sure it would have faded much sooner as it was his interest that kept fuelling the fire so to speak.
So I feel like that was quite similar to what you are feeling, if someone isn't interested it eventually fizzles out and you get over it don't you!

Tessie - that's great to hear, and congratulations on your fairly recent arrival! They are gorgeous at that age
I'm looking forward to hearing how you got together!

Bees - I feel like we are close to the comfortable swapping details mark, we've spent quite a few hours alone working on something and throughout we've had a lot to talk about and have laughed so much. We've made lighthearted personal digs at each other etc so we are comfortable around each other.
If contact could have been maintained and things continued as they have been then I'd feel confident that I could ask but because I no longer have a decent excuse to spend time with him that's what is putting me off and giving me doubts. He did seem pleasantly surprised to see me the other week! So we definitely get on and are comfortable around each other but it's just whether it extends into romantic feelings for him!
I really value your opinions on this thread, you have insider knowledge

How awful about finding out your friend wasn't single, I find that quite bizarre that she was never mentioned over such a long period of time! I would feel a little deceived even if it was a female friend of mine I think, but a male friend that there was a bit of a spark between would really upset me too.
I imagine it must have been because he liked you but two years is such a long time!! I'm really quite shocked!

I know, Prof, everyone uses the word 'fancy' with friends/acquintances, but when it comes to someone you have a spark with, it becomes a bit loaded and more direct! But if ou speak to him again and there is a definite escalation of flirting, i.e. so that you are both in no doubt that you are interested, you can say it more easily. It's just that if you still have doubts and you were saying that if he doesn't respond to your card you would be embarassed - from that point of view you may want to sound less direct. But if you are past worrying about embarassment (and good for you if so) then you can even invite him om a date directly without mincing your words! It's all to do with your comfort level. You could sort of pretend you were just friendly if it's 'As a thank you, I'd like to offer you a drink' or 'catch up over a drink'.
So he was encouraging you really despite the fact he wasn't single! Sounds like je was hanging around you a lot on the hope that you offer something - not exactly nice! Why stay with his GF if he was not even hiding his interest in you - men are weird! Yes sometimes people can't hel being attracted but they usually try to keep it to themselves and not show it if they are not available - otherwise they are ready to cheat! Well in my case, I don't work with him so don't see him often at all but it's still regular - it's not a question of moving away, but he's got to me iykwim so it's hard to shift that. But yes I suppose if I knew that he doesn't like me - or that he is getting married - then I'd move on relatively quickly. Or if I meet someone who I like as much.

I get what you mean, although I feel I may be confident enough to say it! I think I'd prefer to be more direct, since having my son I have become very straight with people and I think I would prefer to just come out with it than pretend it is for a catch up etc. It would help with the inevitable over thinking also
I think I will have to play it by ear for now though, when I talk to him I feel very nervous at first but relax after 5 minutes or so then I feel more like myself.
I feel like my instant reaction if he definitely flirts with me again is to acknowledge it and see how he reacts! This is the kind of person I have become I used to be so timid and shy and now I'm becoming quite direct and straight to the point, when I am feeling confident enough that is!

Yes he was definitely encouraging me, although he was never sleazy or suggestive etc. I wouldn't say he ever acted too inappropriately, I think it did just start from us getting on really well and the hug just ended up happening. He never took it further and after the rather intimate hug he backed off and apologised. I have met people willing and eager to cheat and I'm not sure he was one of that type but there was definitely something between us.
It would be good if you could meet someone available who you are equally as attracted to who could catch your eye. It is awful to be attracted to someone in a relationship, it makes everything even more complicated. I couldn't help but be attracted to the man I worked with and I wouldn't have acted on it while he was in a relationship But I still felt a lot of guilt for even feeling that way about him