The silent treatment

[SeventyNineBottlesOfWine]

I hope someone can give me some advice or find some way to help me stop feeling so wretched about all of this.

I have a male friend who I've known for over ten years.

When we have a disagreement over something, he will convey his displeasure by ignoring me and not interacting with me at all for weeks, yet will carry on as normal with all our other friends.

This latest time, he has not spoken to me for over two weeks. I tried acting blase about it and still made attempts to communicate all of which were ignored.

Last night he finally contacted me to tell me he was annoyed about something I said and didn't feel ready to converse with me yet.

After two weeks of being made to feel completely worthless and invisible, I responded to him by telling him that many times he has also upset me by the things he's said, but that I will always make a point of discussing it with him and have never just shut him out.

He seemed to see sense as he has now text me to say "This is ridiculous, let's meet up for coffee and sort this out"

However, I'm now left feeling unsure as to whether I want to sort this out.

I got no sleep last night and have been feeling very upset and anxious about it all for 2 weeks.

It's not the first time he's done this and I'm not sure that I want to be friends with someone who will go to such great lengths to cause upset to me by actively ostracising me for such lengths of time.

What would you do in my position?

AyeAmorok It's true, I don't see things how I should do. That's a reason I remain single and raise my children alone. I don't trust myself to make the right choices in picking a partner. At least when I get hurt by a friend my children aren't affected by it, only me.

Springy Thank you. I do struggle. If someone is constantly awful, I'll see it. However when it's awfulness interspersed with many moments of kindness. I get so confused.

I've been speaking to my one extremely nice friend tonight. She agrees I should go for counselling. She's disgusted with how he's treated me and says she's never liked him.

She did say it's a shame I have to go for the counselling as she said:
"it's shit heads like him that need counselling in my opinion! He needs to learn to stop treating people like a pile of crap!"

Baconyum I'm the same as you when it comes to partners. I've had extremely bad experiences in the past and don't trust myself to make the right choices.

"it's shit heads like him that need counselling in my opinion! He needs to learn to stop treating people like a pile of crap!"

Now THIS is a real friend! Make time for her and leave the wanker to his craziness.

CocktailQueen I'm not sure how he treats his girlfriends. He always drops me whenever he has one!
He does tend to go for women who are young enough to be his daughter! The last girlfriend was closer in age to my son than she was to him!

Yeah, that sounds about right. Inadequate prick.

What your friend said: "it's shit heads like him that need counselling in my opinion! He needs to learn to stop treating people like a pile of crap!"
She's totally right and she sounds great. Dump this guy and block him. Spend more time with nice people and real friends!

I feel a lot calmer today and more resolute.

Talking to all of you on here and listening to your advice has really helped me.

I've laid my thoughts and feelings bare and I'm grateful that you've all treated me with extreme kindness and respect and been so helpful to me.

You've all instinctively pieced things together which are true and pointed out things to me which I know are true.

I do have a habit of picking friends/relationships which are bad and allowing it to go on for far too long.

I'm currently trying to arrange counselling as I feel it will help and I do need it.

I still feel a sense of loss, but I don't feel overwhelming panic and I no longer feel anxious.

I realise he's been cruel. He knows I suffer with anxiety and he knows a lot of things about me which would all indicate to him exactly how much hurt I'd be in every time he treats me this way.

I finally got a good nights sleep last night, for the first time in over two weeks. This really confirmed to me how much unnecessary energy I waste on him and his sulks and moods. If he were a true friend, he wouldn't keep hurting me this way.

My other friend is great! She's never done anything to make me feel awful. We've had differences of opinion of course, but never sulked with each other or played mind games. She's been there for me through a lot of things and to be honest with the way I feel today, right now if she's the only friend I have for now, that would be fine with me. She's worth more than a million false friendships.

What a great update I'm glad you're feeling calmer, you've had a good night's sleep, you're organising counselling and you have a wonderful friend Onwards and upwards!

Lovely update all power to you!

All power to you, yes indeed.

Id be tempted to tell him you need some time to heal and then just avoid and let the "friendship" die out. Don't provide more fuel for the fire for their entertainment by telling him/them you don't want to be friends any more.

Great update, Seventy. The relief is saying it is good to trust your gut. If they try to manipulate you back into the fold so to speak, you can use the line they so often used on you: You are not putting up with it anymore...it is just the way I am.

But I also think it best to not engage in any sort of conversation with any of them. They already know they are nasty pieces of work without you telling them.

Your schedule is full. Springtime (Summer, Fall, etc) is so busy! And the perennial MN favorite: "No."

Thanks so much all of you! You're so lovely!

AndTheBand I like your idea of saying "It's just the way I am!"

So far I've not heard anything from him since yesterday. He's probably still sulking. But he can sulk forever as far as I'm concerned. It doesn't affect me anymore and is not my problem!

I hope you're sticking to your guns today. Good luck.

Liney Thank you! I am indeed! I've also taken the opportunity of meeting up with an acquaintance in the hope of turning that into more of a friendship!

I always feel nervous about things like that but I decided to take the plunge and invite her over for coffee.

We got on really well and have decided to meet up regularly!

As for the sulker........he's still sulking.

Yay for your acquaintance who has become a new friend!

Thank you

You sound great OP

rah rah

Sorry for carrying on a thread which had pretty much reached a conclusion, it's just I'm having a serious wobble.

I've found out through Facebook that the sulker and our mutual friends are all having a party this evening and yes, you've guessed it- I'm not invited.

I had a feeling this would happen. They've known him longer. It still hurts though.

None of these "friends" is a good friend to you OP. The sulker is horrible to you and the mutual friends tell you to suck it up and put up with him treating you badly. If they were good friends they'd be pulling him up on his behaviour.

I know it must hurt but dump this lot you will feel better for it. At the very least delete them from Facebook.

I am feeling a huge sense of injustice for the exact reasons you've mentioned Hell.

He has been the one to treat me like an utter pile of crap, yet they continue to rally round him and it's me who's pushed out.

Can you just think a big "fuck you" to all of them? I know it bloody hurts but you deserve so much more. Can you have a mini-party at home? Wine or cup of tea, nice snacks, film or box set, talk rubbish on MN?

You know the expression 'better alone than badly accompanied'? That applies to these friends.

for you

They've only arranged the party and blagged about it on Facebook because they know you'd see it, and realise that you weren't invited. It's pathetic, really because YOU DON'T CARE.

Unfriend the lot of them pronto.

A cunt and his coterie of mini-cunts. Get shot once and for all.

I'm really sorry SeventyNine..that is incredibly unjust.

Some people are shallow and feeble, though; they prefer a quiet life to doing what is right, or rocking the boat, even if someone suffers for it. All vain, cruel, self centred people rely on that shallowness, so they can continue unhindered, and keep their egos fed.

I think HellonHeels suggestion is a good one. You don't need friends like this, why not have a party for one, to celebrate a new start (when you feel better)

These people sound deranged tbh. Get them off your facebook. They won't know unless they check.

His behaviour towards your dsis is despicable. He knows what he is doing. He sounds evil, actually.

Don't make the mistake of thinking he and these friends share your morals and ethics. They don't and they don't want to.

Thank you all of you. I've not unfriended them as I don't want to give them anything to gossip about.

I've unfollowed them though so I don't have to see anything they post.

Hell I'm going to take your advice and watch GoT and have a few beers! The backstabbing and betrayals in that is currently considerably less than what I'm experiencing from my ' friends '.

That is the ultimate kick in the teeth. Be strong, ignore, don't go crawling back to them, they will just do it again. Concentrate on new beginnings and new friendships with emotionally mature people who don't use you as a test subject. He has been immature and pathetic. You don't need toxic people like that in your life.