The silent treatment

[SeventyNineBottlesOfWine]

I hope someone can give me some advice or find some way to help me stop feeling so wretched about all of this.

I have a male friend who I've known for over ten years.

When we have a disagreement over something, he will convey his displeasure by ignoring me and not interacting with me at all for weeks, yet will carry on as normal with all our other friends.

This latest time, he has not spoken to me for over two weeks. I tried acting blase about it and still made attempts to communicate all of which were ignored.

Last night he finally contacted me to tell me he was annoyed about something I said and didn't feel ready to converse with me yet.

After two weeks of being made to feel completely worthless and invisible, I responded to him by telling him that many times he has also upset me by the things he's said, but that I will always make a point of discussing it with him and have never just shut him out.

He seemed to see sense as he has now text me to say "This is ridiculous, let's meet up for coffee and sort this out"

However, I'm now left feeling unsure as to whether I want to sort this out.

I got no sleep last night and have been feeling very upset and anxious about it all for 2 weeks.

It's not the first time he's done this and I'm not sure that I want to be friends with someone who will go to such great lengths to cause upset to me by actively ostracising me for such lengths of time.

What would you do in my position?

He is emotionally abuse. You must end the friendship for the sake of your sanity and well being. And if that means seeing less of your mutual friends too, so be it.

I also suggest that you work on your self esteem and your understanding of what healthy friendships and relationships look like.

You mentioned your parents - you might find it useful to read the Stately Homes thread and/or read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

abusive not abuse

AnotherEmma I actually read that book yesterday! It was recommended to me on another thread I'd posted on here about my family.

RubberDuck Deep down I know that if my other friends avoid me due to him that they're not friends worth having, but I still feel afraid of losing them.

I don't have many friends at all.

Apart from that group I have one friend who is absolutely amazing and would never treat me that way, then a handful of acquaintances- that is all.

79bottlesofwine,

re your comment:-
"We have mutual friends, both women, who are telling me I should talk to him and sort it out as we've been friends for too long to throw it all way".

I think you need different friends, these people are basically giving you another version of the "sunken costs fallacy". These people are not your friends either and have and continue to side with him (so they are not the ready target of his barbs). This also causes people to stay with bad relationships far longer than they should do.

People change. Often, those changes will result in formerly good partners no longer being good matches for each other. In those circumstances, it’s best that couples break up or transition to some other form of relationship. It is often the case, though, that couples will look at their history and conclude that too much time, effort, and energy has been invested in the relationship to end it.
This is a mistake. There are certainly plenty of reasons why long-standing partners might not want to break up. Their experience with each other may show them that they are only in a temporary rough patch. Their lives may be so entangled that leaving the relationship would be incredibly painful. Their issues may just not be as bad as they seem.

It’s also a mistake to think that the amount of investment in a relationship automatically adds value to that relationship. It doesn’t. The value of the relationship consists of what is happening in the present and in the future. The past is done. The past is useful in predicting the future, but the past by itself doesn’t actually add any value. The length of a relationship or the amount of effort put into a relationship doesn’t actually add value. If it’s clear that a relationship won’t serve you in the future, your previous investment in the relationship won’t change that.

You mention your parents relationship with you being shaky; do they sulk at you also to get their own way?. Small wonder you are needy because they've made you that way. I think this frenemy (he is really no friend of yours at all) is basically another version of their relationship with you. Do not contact this man any more; block his number from your phone. He does this because he can and enjoys the power and control he has over you.

79bottlesofwine,

re your comment:-
"Apart from that group I have one friend who is absolutely amazing and would never treat me that way, then a handful of acquaintances- that is all".

I would stick with this above person and your handful of acquaintances; quality of friendship is far more important than quantity.

Do read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward; I think a lot of your problems with friendships stem from their attitudes towards you.

Attila My Dad was terrible for sulking. I can recall periods of time when I was a teenager where he'd give me the silent treatment for over a week whilst still speaking normally with the rest of the family.

I know this probably sounds stupid, but it's making me feel incredibly emotional even thinking about it.

He made me feel then, as my friend is making me feel now. Worthless, invisible and insignificant.

SeventyNine, Attila is very wise indeed, she has helped me more than she knows through the StatelyHome thread - I've had various n/c since!

Thank you Kitty. I agree her comments are very helpful and have certainly made me think.
I agree that I shouldn't be placing any value on a relationship which causes me nothing but upset merely due to the amount of time we've been friends.

This friend clearly doesn't like you very much.

I would ditch him regardless of the history. At worst he is emotionally abusive, at best he has really poor social & conflict resolution skills. Why be friends with people that make you feel bad about yourself?

No one has the right to make you feel this way. You aren't invisible. You aren't insignificant. You aren't worthless. He doesn't have the right to make you feel this way about yourself. Don't allow him to rob you of your last shreds of self respect. He's not your friend. He's a thief who's robbing you of your mental and physical health. Sod him. Don't even give him the satisfaction of having a last word with him or meeting him.

How awful!
I think you should cut ties with him and stop the friendship completely as he seems v toxic, immature and conceited.
I can also see that for you cutting him off completely may not be worth risking all your mutual friends, so you could meet him, explain how it makes you feel and tell him if he ever does it again you will cut ties but repair the friendship for now.
If he continues with this behaviour even after you speak with him I really don't think you should continue with the friendship.

"Attila My Dad was terrible for sulking. I can recall periods of time when I was a teenager where he'd give me the silent treatment for over a week whilst still speaking normally with the rest of the family.

I know this probably sounds stupid, but it's making me feel incredibly emotional even thinking about it.

He made me feel then, as my friend is making me feel now. Worthless, invisible and insignificant".

No its not stupid at all. What happened back then still affects you now.

It is for all those reasons above that you need to show this frenemy the order of your boot now and permanently. This person is really another version of your dad who made you his own emotional punch bag. Do not contact him any more and if his friends start calling you regarding him then they need to be gone from your life too.

Your dad also made you the scapegoat for all his inherent ills and that behaviour also lies in power and control; such behaviour is abusive. What roles did your mother play?. Do you have any contact with your siblings and parents these days? I would also suggest you post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these relationship pages.

And if the others stop talking to you because you stop pandering to this man, then sod them too as they were never your friends to begin with. You will lose a bunch of miseries and gain a whole lot of feel good in yourself. That ought to be more than anything

I think you're right and I need to cut all ties with him.

He's currently texting me explaining himself and saying he only behaved like this as he was in pain after what I said and he needed time to calm down.

I responded by letting him know that however he tries to brush it off I still think it was a shitty and manipulative thing to do.

I think I should just ignore any further texts as he will continue to believe he's in the right and I am wrong (I know this from past experience)

I've told him how I feel about the silent treatment and I've told him I'm extremely busy this week and need some time and space myself to reflect on things.

Armchair psychology here but I suspect the only reason you are putting up with this is because of the similarities to your upbringing. AnotherEmma put it really well. It is time to cut him loose.

He is trying to train you into not having an opinion that is opposed to his. Which means he doesn't value you unless you are mirroring him.

No point being friends with people like that, is it?

I'm wondering if the 'mutual' friends are encouraging you to forget the sulking as they want you both in a relationship? You said he was interested at one point. Nightmare.

He's punishing you for not wanting "more" from him.

Well done Seventynine but don't let him back or if you do make it a final warning. He is abusive though do it is a matter of time one way or another so I would do it this time.

He's currently texting me explaining himself and saying he only behaved like this as he was in pain after what I said and he needed time to calm down

In pain because you called him out on being a hypocrite. Wanker.

Two weeks is too little. Let him have forever to amuse himself with his own silence.
Good call on having the courage to stand up for yourself. No one is worthy of robbing you of your confidence, peace & happiness

How come he's the only one who's allowed to be in pain? ?!

Gobshite.

Attila My mother would pick at me over everything.

I used to get hit by her for not holding my fork properly when eating or for putting elbows on the table. This used to happen so frequently that I started avoiding mealtimes and would claim I was ill.

She would regularly compare me to my brother and my friends and tell me she wished I was more like them.

Now she attributes any of my feelings about anything to the fact that I have depression and I overreact.

Good for you, you are doing the right thing. Take some time and space to think it over and see it for what it really is.