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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The silent treatment

132 replies

SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 25/04/2016 06:43

I hope someone can give me some advice or find some way to help me stop feeling so wretched about all of this.

I have a male friend who I've known for over ten years.

When we have a disagreement over something, he will convey his displeasure by ignoring me and not interacting with me at all for weeks, yet will carry on as normal with all our other friends.

This latest time, he has not spoken to me for over two weeks. I tried acting blase about it and still made attempts to communicate all of which were ignored.

Last night he finally contacted me to tell me he was annoyed about something I said and didn't feel ready to converse with me yet.

After two weeks of being made to feel completely worthless and invisible, I responded to him by telling him that many times he has also upset me by the things he's said, but that I will always make a point of discussing it with him and have never just shut him out.

He seemed to see sense as he has now text me to say "This is ridiculous, let's meet up for coffee and sort this out"

However, I'm now left feeling unsure as to whether I want to sort this out.

I got no sleep last night and have been feeling very upset and anxious about it all for 2 weeks.

It's not the first time he's done this and I'm not sure that I want to be friends with someone who will go to such great lengths to cause upset to me by actively ostracising me for such lengths of time.

What would you do in my position?

OP posts:
Reddot · 25/04/2016 08:32

As a child you didn't have a lot of options. Your childhood sounds very painful. But as an adult, you can make choices who you allow into your life. And people who reduces you to a mess should have no place in it because after all they aren't the ones cleaning up the messes. You are left to clean their mess, that they made in your life. Aren't you angry that a friend who is supposed to pick you up when you are down, nurture you to be a strong person is in fact doing the opposite?. This person is offloading all his negativity into your life and your are spending your time, emotions and energy cleaning the mess that he's making.
He's not worth a minute of your time. Cut him loose and let him play these silly childish mind games with himself.

Baconyum · 25/04/2016 08:36

Wow your parents really did a number on you! Counselling would be good.

As for this...person (for lack of a better term) they're 'in pain'? Wtf! If that's how he reacts every time someone disagrees pulls him up on his shitty hypocrisy with him he needs to grow the fuck up!

My group of friends I've had since I was 13 would rip the piss out of him!

Where are you? I'll be your mate! I love a good debate, my friends and I don't agree on everything but we love each other and are there for each other.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/04/2016 08:53

If he texts you again, I would send one last text to end it, with you seeming the stronger person (even if you don't feel that way).

The text I would send him would be along the lines of "I have had time to think. You are still behaving as if I was in the wrong and as if you had good reason to be upset. Your apology has been deeply inadequate. You have behaved like a sulky child over nothing for the last time with me. I do not want to meet you for coffee. We are not friends any more."

neonrainbow · 25/04/2016 08:58

If you don't want to lose the mutual friendsid go for the coffee and see if he apologises. Then keep him at arm's length.

ChicRock · 25/04/2016 09:02

I agree with whoever suggested you get some counselling.

This man sounds a vile bully, he's got you tiptoeing round him, and your two other female friends encouraging you to pander to his behaviour. I think he probably actually really dislikes women and I'd suggest he wouldn't dare treat a male friend the way he treats you. Ditch him.

Original poster
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 25/04/2016 09:18

I had counselling years ago but often think I should go again.

I struggle a lot with situations like this and they leave me feeling so vulnerable and upset as if I were a young child.

ChicRock He can be pompous with male friends, but not to the extent he is with me. You're right.

OP posts:
ChicRock · 25/04/2016 10:04

You've wasted 2 weeks (this time) feeling upset and anxious because of this tosser. That's 2 weeks of time and emotional energy you could have spent on your real friends, and turning acquaintances into friends, and meeting new potential friends, and doing hundreds of more pleasurable and productive activities.

You only have to google 'silent treatment' to find pages and pages telling you it's emotional abuse. As someone who has studied psychology he's is of course well aware of this. And the worst thing you can do when someone is giving you the silent treatment is contact them, trying to cajole them out of it.

I honestly think with some time out from this toxic dynamic and some counselling you won't actually want to be friends with someone like him any more.

I would send a text the exact wording that RunRabbit has given.

Original poster
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 25/04/2016 10:25

I agree Chic I have indeed once again wasted my time being upset because of him.

I have actually googled 'silent treatment' and like you say there's pages and pages explaining how it's emotional abuse and how it causes people a lot of pain. I do believe he will know this due to studying psychology which leaves only one explanation- he did this knowing how much it would hurt and upset me just to prove a point.

I'm already feeling I don't really want to be friends with him anymore. I'm sick of being made to feel like this due to his childish moods.

OP posts:
Boomingmarvellous · 25/04/2016 10:52

Can't be bothered to read the whole thread, but I don't have to to know this is not a friend. Friends don't play mind games. Friends don't disallow you from expressing your opinion. Friends don't punish you for not behaving in the way they dictate.

That's the way an abusive partner behaves in an abusive relationship.

Distance and cut him out of your life. Be polite in company, but this is not a friendship on any level.

TheStoic · 25/04/2016 11:14

If you don't want to lose the mutual friendsid go for the coffee and see if he apologises. Then keep him at arm's length.

Exactly what I would do. No need for drama, just smile, be civil, and build a solid wall between you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 25/04/2016 11:28

I would not contact him further anyway (it gives people like this man an "in" to bother you even more) but if you did send a text it will need to be like Runrabbit has suggested i.e. I do not want to meet you for coffee. We are not friends any more.

I am sorry to read that you really did get the shite end of the stick when it came to your parents. They sound just as bad as one another but remember that you did not make them this way (their own families of origin did that). Regarding counselling BACP are good and do not charge the earth. You need to find someone who can and will fit in with you (counsellors are like shoes, you need to find someone that fits) along with someone who has NO bias about keeping families together despite the presence of mistreatment.

CheersMedea · 25/04/2016 12:08

Silent treatment is a form of emotional abuse - but the two questions are what are the cause of it and whether you are prepared to put up with it.

By the cause, I mean that in some cases, silent treatment can be a sign of mental illness (personality disorder) - typically borderline PD but also narcissism. These sufferers have a tendancy to "splitting" (google it) in which they see all people as "good" and "bad"/ "on my team" or "my enemy". It's all very black and white. Cross them, they will go into "you are evil" mode and want nothing to do with you until the moment passes. It is still emotionally abusive but an embedded part of the way they deal with the universe. It's not really a conscious choice because they can't control their splitting reaction. It won't change unless they seek psychiatric help and even then may not change.

Some people may choose to put up with a person behaving like that because they see that it isn't actually personal and is a feature of the way they relate to others. Like tolerating a lack of empathy in other PDs.

On the other hand, if the cause is just a malicious conscious choice, you may not want to bother. You may not want to bother anyway

SoleBizzz · 25/04/2016 13:58

I just ends a friendship be a use he gave me the silent treatment. My parents are toxic. I am MC WITH them now fir eleven years. My ex ex friend gave me the silent treatment for the second time and both times it was extremely painful for me. It is emotional abuse. I am so proud I dumped him. Therapy really does work.

Original poster
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 25/04/2016 14:29

The thing that would worry me about meeting for coffee, is that he presumably means at my house, as this is where we always meet for coffee and also that he will just say things to upset me further.

Usually I'd back down, but if I'm to remain firm in the idea that I don't want to be treated like that anymore, I think he could be quite malicious.

He's already been posting on Facebook telling all our mutual friends how excited he is to be going on a trip with them this weekend. It's one that I'm unable to go on for a variety of reasons. I find it to be more than a coincidence that he's been going on about it today and knowing that I'll see it.

*Attila, I will look into BACP, thank you.

OP posts:
wellyellie · 25/04/2016 14:29

OP I have been in an almost identical situation with a male friend who regularly gave me the silent treatment, who i think at one point wanted us to be more than friends, who would justify his sulking but refused to tolerate anything less than perfect behaviour from me, and who has other female friends who forgive his moodiness. For a long time it affected my self-esteem as i thought that there was something wrong with me that caused his actions, then i moved on to feeling sorry for him because i would guess (through extensive internet research) that he has a personality disorder (as described by Cheers) and i tried to rise above his moodiness and not let him affect me.

Luckily for me he moved away from our area and it's only now, with time and space distance, that i can see how badly he was affecting me and how he was trying to control / bully me. You could give him one final chance and say if he does it again that's the end, but you have to stick with that. However, i would say that you have to look after your own mental health first and maybe you should tell him you want some time out from the friendship, give it a few months and then see how you feel.

Original poster
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 25/04/2016 14:34

Welly That's exactly how I feel- that there's something wrong with me that's causing it. When our mutual friends encourage me just to forget about him upsetting me and sort things out with him knowing how many times he's done this it makes me feel they think there's something wrong with me too. He doesn't treat either of them the way he treats me.

It's interesting that you say your male friend wanted for you to be more than friends. One of my friends says she thinks he acts that way because he wants more than just friendship, but I fail to see why that would make someone treat another person so badly.

OP posts:
wellyellie · 25/04/2016 14:47

I know nothing about psychology but i would guess that if someone was prone to splitting (as described by cheers) then if he is interested in you but you give out some sign that you are not interested in him then you become bad. I certainly think that triggered one period of sulkiness from my friend.

But it's definitely not that there's something wrong with you, I'm sure you have other friends, acquaintances, work colleagues, or family members that don't ignore you and take weeks to recover when you have a disagreement.

plainjanine · 25/04/2016 15:10

Sounds to me like he's punishing you for not wanting more, as PP have said. He feels vulnerable because you rejected him, so now he looks for excuses to reject you in return. It's just possible he doesn't realise this of himself. If he's pretty up himself, he might never apply his psycholgy learning to his own behaviour. (seems unlikely to me though).

Have you told him in the past that this is how your father used to punish you?

In any case, it's an unhealthy relationship for you, so I think you should wait a couple of weeks then tell him to sling him hook, as RunRabbit suggested.

SoleBizzz · 25/04/2016 15:26

I feel his behaviour is just his character. You allow it and your other two friends have boundaries you do not. I feel it isn't much to do with him fancying you

Original poster
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 25/04/2016 15:41

Solebizz My other friends do not have the same kind of friendship with him I do. They never see him one to one, only in a group situation, so the way he treats me would never arise with them.

OP posts:
Original poster
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 25/04/2016 15:42

Plainjanine, yes he knows a lot about my childhood and a lot about the way my parents have been in the past and also are now.

OP posts:
SoleBizzz · 25/04/2016 15:44

That does not matter. He gets away with it with you whether you see him for five minutes or days

CocktailQueen · 25/04/2016 15:48

My crime was to point out how hypocritical he was being during a discussion we were having by raising something we'd discussed earlier which totally contradicted what he was saying at the time.

He called you an idiot, stopped speaking to you for 2 weeks and ignored any attempts of communication, he feels he's superior to others, he will go to great lengths to let people know how much he's read and how much he's studied in an attempt to prove them wrong.

What a shitty, abusive bellend with a giant ego. Does he have any redeeming features? Does he treat girlfriends like that? I'd not have anything more to do with him.

Original poster
SeventyNineBottlesOfWine · 25/04/2016 15:58

CocktailQueen I'm not sure how he treats his girlfriends. He always drops me whenever he has one!

He does tend to go for women who are young enough to be his daughter! The last girlfriend was closer in age to my son than she was to him!

OP posts:
AlleyCatandRastaMouse · 25/04/2016 16:09

Seventynine I think it is becoming clearer by the second that this guy is a dick. Are your feelings for him stronger than friendship? It seems like he knows which buttons to press on you but it also seems like he knows he can get away with it. Anyway at the very least make sure you only see him in a group or better yet never again