Brave Babes Battle Bus is Racing Along.....

[venusandmars]

Our lovely mouseface usually starts these threads but I've just noticed that the previous one is almost full, so I'm facing technology and get the next one set up.

Anyone, absolutely anyone, who feels they have a problem with drink is welcome here. Whether you're trying to stop, or cut down a little, whether you've been sober for years, or even if you're too scared even to contemplate what is happening. If you think it will help you to post, or lurk, then please do.

There's often a lot of nonsense and banter, but lots of good sound advice.

And there is always lots of support and care and no judgement.

This is the link to the previous thread, if you want to read what's been going on so far The Previous Thread

And this is the link to JesusWhatNext 's original thread started 6 years ago The Original Thread

halle I have actually cried with utter happiness and so proud of you. When I first stopped there seemed so much space and time to fill and I was scared of thinking, I really really nearly lost everything and my life... BUT gradually I forgave myself and realised I'm actually a nice person, just got caught up in a bad situation. euri wisest words ever, life is tough and pretty boring (especially with wee ones) but the moments with colour are real and true and technicolor and that makes it all seem so worth it. Last night I went to Zumba with my eldest dd 16 (I have another very lively, hardly ever sleeps, talks every minute of awake time 5 year old) so it was just lovely being out with my firstborn and I met my lovely friends for the class and it was so much fun, I laughed, proper belly ache laughing and was exhilarated with excercise and I felt so so happy, so utterly relieved to be free and sober and loved and safe....

There the moments that make the crap stuff evaporate, real true life in all its technicolor glory.

No wine I ever drank made me feel like that!!!!

Hang in there, your a brave lioness mother, feel the fear and do it anyway.

Your kids are lucky to have you....
Xxx

Baby jane I just Welled up reading that. Thankyou so much for your lovely words. You sound genuinely over the moon at your sobriety and you sound so free, and so happy. I can't wait until that comes for me. It's still super early doors for me, im nearly past day 3 AF and that's not very long I know, but for me it's kinda of a big deal and the fact that ive been offered and asked and been able to refuse Aswell when my neighbour offered me a wine and I said no thanks but if you have tea I will have a Cuppa and I swear I felt so empowered. I was in a world of my own when my nattering neighbour was talking but I was also taking everything in (sounds odd but I know what I mean). Like I wayxhed her pour herself a small glass of wine. And I mean really small. She hadn't even finished it when Id finished my tea. I was thinking to myself, if that was me Id have finished that whole bottle by now. I wasn't there for very long but just as I was leaving I told her to enjoy the rest of her wine. Assuming you knkw that everyone is like me, once that bottles opened its got to be finished. And in all seriousness she said, "Na think I will leave the rest for tomorrow night to have with dinner with my daughter and son in law".... I could f quite believe someone out there has opened a bottle. Took one glass and genuinley took little sips of it and that was enough for her to relax. Id never be able to do that. Even if I didn't plan on getting shit faced, If i open a bottle i absolutely have to finish it. So ive made it past the 4 o clock Mark and im preparing dinner with a very large coke and lots of ice. I absolutely do not want to get drunk tonight. I can't remember the last time I just "wasn't in the mood". And that's how I feel. Im really not in the mood for it. I was lying playing with my baby girl earlier on and I was taking in her smile and her lovely hair and feel grateful that I was sober enough to have that memory without being smashed and forgetting it tomorrow or having my husband have to put her to bed because im already in mine plastered im not going to worry so much right now about my benzo's. I have to beat one addiction at a time. If I try to do to much, to soon, I know I will crash and burn. A lot of my benzo use though was to help me get through a hangover. My hangovers were becoming unbearable the last few months. Im hoping that once my body gets used to no alcohol and no hangover perhaps it won't crave benzo's as much to help me through. But like I said im not rushing myself. Im nearly 4 days AF and that's all im concentrating on right now. Im hoping to get my referral in the next 6 weeks and im hoping to be able to open up to someone then about what's been going on. The one thing that does worry me though, is that even if I mamage sobriety ... Alcohol will always be the first and last thing I think about daily. I don't want that. Ive had it for to long and it's giving me a headache. This bus is amazing. Reading all your stories and talking to you all whether your sober yet or not, or like me you're jut starting out, I think your all amazing for realising like I did "Ehhh this ain't normal and this needs to stop". I used to justify all my drinking with how much stress I was under and nake excuses all the time. Truth be it there are no excuses to be constantly drinking. Everybody goes through the same stress as me. I guess they just have better coping mechanisms than Me, but one day I hope to be on here talking to a newcomer about my experience and givin them
Hope for the future. We all deserve to be happy and to always have hope no matter how many times we fall off that horse, we have to just keep trying. That's all we can do. Love to all and look forward to chatting tonight. Hoping it's going to be sort of busy in here as I would like something to distract me lol and I love reading all the posts and writing to you all. This is almost a bit like my new hobby and it really does help distract me from wanting to go buy drink. Can't believe im about to hit a Friday night sober lol. I honestly can't remember last time I didn't drink on a Friday. Or SatuRday or lots of other days lol x cheers to a happy sober friday night where I will be able to remember tomorrow what ive watched xxx

Just checking in. Witching hour is passed for me, dinner eaten now online jigsaws and diet coke in front of the tv until bed.

Hope everyone else is doing ok. I'm chuffed I got through a Friday without drinking, getting back on track for minimum of 17 days AF this month. Yay!

I'm here and ok. Sorry not to have read all the thread. Am very tired....

Halle great post. Regarding this 'Alcohol will always be the first and last thing I think about daily' - that goes away.

One day you will suddenly realise that it's been a whole morning and you haven't thought about it at all. Another time you will realise that it didn't cross your mind all day. After a while you will go much longer without thinking about it all.

I like the idea of using the bus as a 'hobby' too as it can be a great distraction, supportive and educational all in one go

If you want a great read, go back to the very start with JWN's first post here and follow the links through all the threads (or as many as you can get through) . Very inspirational.

Claret well done. Ma

Evening all.

Well, I've made it through another day without imploding at the thought of losing child 2: I had a good chat with my solicitor this morning.

Another day closer to CAFCASS starting the section 7 process. 14 weeks ago today I was sitting still in a complete state of shock that the past year had finally culminated in me picking up the phone and calling the police.

14 weeks - it seems like a lifetime ago.

Hi all,

pink I don't know what to say but I can only imagine how horrendous and stressful this must be for you. Sending you lots of virtual hugs though (I know it's words on a screen but I really am thinking of you)

halle hope your ok tonight

Course went ok, and I passed it, so all good. Stupidly long and intense couple of days though!

I'm drinking and feeling sorry for myself tonight, and it's for the most horribly selfish and self absorbed reason. Just found out some sad news about a close relative of one of my best friends. But I'm sat feeling sorry for myself instead.

I had planned, with my counsellor, that I would let a couple of people know I am struggling (not something alcohol related) before I finish with her (three sessions left). I'm painfully private about things usually and generally get near to crisis point before anyone guesses anything. But my big 'admission' is not going to happen tomorrow as planned as my lovely friend has too much going on and all I can think is I need to talk to someone!! I should be supporting her and I'm so fucking selfish that it's all about me, and that I don't know who to talk to now, and I need to be a good friend but I have no idea how to support her.

Just reread that and not sure it made any sense. Objectively I can see my mood is going rapidly downhill. Have meds increase to try but needed to wait until after course, then on nights from Sunday. But to be honest I'm going to be working feeling like shit if nothing changes so may as well try the meds from tomorrow. Try to not get to crisis point seems like a goal.

Sorry, please ignore this anyway...I will read it tomorrow and cringe.

Sorry I haven't been around, I raised a concern at work and all of a sudden I found myself in a shit storm. I have been quietly excluded by some colleagues, completely ignored by one senior staff member and got a stern talking to from my manager about my attitude.

Admittedly, I have been fairly withdrawn on occasion behind the scenes, mainly because of the exclusion and above shitstorm. I'm ashamed to say I was downright snippy once but I did apologise afterwards. My game face is always on front of house.

I know I was right, that's the most frustrating thing. My heart says I was right, but my head is screaming that I should have just stayed quiet.

I am desperately unhappy, every instinct is urging me to run away from this but I can't afford to. I feel like a leaky pedalo surrounded by a flotilla of warships, all pointing weaponry at me.

Being ignored by a colleague I was fond of and respected is destroying me, the deliberate speaking over me to ask assistance from other colleagues is both hurtful and demoralising. Above all I am so sad, so very sad. I'm sorry I can't go into details, but it did involve a family member, and I felt they did not get proper care which resulted in two more weeks of pain.

I am sad because they were marginalised that day, I am aware it was a busy day and perhaps time ran out, but in speaking up for someone who couldn't, I have made my working life a misery.

I have had a drink tonight, purely because I need to sleep. Just one, but I am pleased with that, mainly because I'm off tomorrow and it could have been a cue to binge which is my default setting as a rule. Not today though. Not today.

Pup aka The Counter Terrorist is keeping me going, my life would be very dry without her. She sent a punnet of blueberries flying tonight and watching her roll them round her mouth and curl her lips up before spitting them out in disgust brought a tiny smile to my face.

ma darling thistle-heided quine that you are, I hope you are fine, I am sad that you are weary too. The last time I dipped in you were off to London to try for some funding, I hope beyond hope something comes of that. (((((((((((((((((((fundiebosie)))))))))))))))))))

Bloody well done Claret, so chuffed for you! I am intrigued re online jigsaws....off to google.... ((((((((((((pompommybosie)))))))))))))

spanna I could weep, your post was so cheering, can I coorie doon in the pooch of the Smock Of Smug for a wee while? Just to feel the warmth of the glittery smugly goodness but for a moment? I will trade you a bosie my dear, so very proud of you. ((((((((((weeldonemaquinebosie)))))))))))))))

venus your post made me think so very hard, what a lovely, lovely supportive post and how true. I go through life just wanting to be liked, and accepted and for years I thought alcohol made me fun, I need to have more faith in the sober me. The me the dog loves, the fresh air and horseback me, the gardening me. Thankfully our lovely bus and passengers loves all our mes, each and every one of them. And for that I will be eternally grateful. I know you're a fan of the Morningside air kiss but feck it. Bosie for you an' all...((((((((((((MorningsideStyleeBosie)))))))))))))))

I need to have a read back, I am so behind, and sorry I haven't said hello to everyone, I will try to catch up.

Off to let madam out for her last pee before bed, night night all, sleep tight, xx

Night night Elba well done for passing the course!

I will give you a (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((comfort in numbersbosie))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I'm feeling sorry for myself too, it's a bugger, ain't it?

We best set our Barrie phasers tae malkie, we are going to get a wee slappin' when he wakes up....

Night night my dear, sweet dreams, xx

wry your comments about going through life just wanting to be liked really struck a cord. It completely absorbs me at times and is definitely a driving force in why I have drunk so heavily at social events in the past. Fear, pure and simple fear. Only since having my DD and having to do social events in the day and sober have i slowly begun to realise the sober me is ok actually!

I hope your work situation gets rectified, hopefully any ill feeling will pass and they come to understand why you had to do what you did. Time is a healer.

Well done for passing elba! You are incredibly hard on yourself...give yourself credit where it's due, you've worked hard (always) but particularly these passed few days and achieved what you needed to. Well done you

Everyone else? How are you this grey Saturday?

I've just got back from my run which went really well, only to be soured by dh who wasn't supportive at all - just said I should go everyday, not just 3 days a week. I'll just add that to my list of running the household (pretty much single handedly), raising a toddler and working part time then anyway. Feeling good.

Well done Elba on passing the course. Hope everyone else is doing ok today. That's me now on my AF day 4 still not one single intention to drink and actually when I think about being "drunk"
Not it actually scares me a little. Like I totally believe if someone handed me a beer Id feel frightened to take it for frat of 1. Breaking my chain of AF days!

1. Because God only knows what that one beer is going to turn into for me and I don't want to find out or even try to "control" that anymore. I can't believe ive finally realised its so much more relaxing and so much easier just not to drink at all than what it is to spend your life trying to "control" something that has clearly got more control

Of you tban you do if it. It's a really crappy miserable day here so im having a house and Jammies day. Sometimes i would drink starting on the SatuRday afternoon if I was Havin a house and jammie day. Im a little concerned about what to do with myself and if my alxohol fear goes away, I will be so bored stuck in the house that im gonna end up saying "stuff it 1 bottle won't do any harm"!! Im not very good with being bored xxx

Hi babes, it's me lala. Sorry I haven't been around, stupid phone broke, so using a different one and completely forgot my log in for here so had to rejoin.

I have been reading and trying to keep up with everyone. Same old same old here. Still struggling. Still trying to have af days and waking up feeling positive only to fail that very day. DP is returning home this afternoon after two months away... I am not sure how I feel about this. He drinks like a fish as it is, so it wk make life harder... Plus I have got to the point where I really haven't missed him and have been enjoying the peace and quiet. That sounds bad.

Anyway, I will catch up with you all properly later, lots of love to all of you, you wonderful and strong bunch of amazing people!

That's after 4 and im still going strong with my AF day unfortunately ive been overly anxious today so I have had to take a few benzo's. But at least ive not drank and im not mixing them
In anyway possible. Hopw ur all Doin ok babes xxxx happy SatuRday xxx

wry good to see you back,hen. Sounds like you are having a shit time at work which is horrible. Can't you give the bastards a lethal injection of something by accident. Funding meetings went OK but no sign of any hard cash yet.
Claret good to see you too. I'm miles behind with the thread so apologies to those I have been missing.
Waves to spanna obrigada. Venus and everyone else

halle my lovely, please stay off the benzodiazepines!!! If it helps I got prescribed an antihistamine that is well known for being prescribed for anxiety. But it's not addictive. It's called atarax. It knocks you out, keeps you calm etc. Might be worth asking your GP...

wry sorry you're having such a hard time at work. What they are doing sounds a bit like bullying to me so maybe it would be worth keeping a little note of incidents in case things escalate. Sounds like you did the right thing though, hard as it it. Big hugs to you.

lala great to see you! Was wondering where you were.

ma glad the meetings went ok, hoping you see some cash soon!

claret well done on the run, three times a week is plenty so don't listen to your DH! It'd three times more than I'm managing at the moment!

I'm feeling like crap at the moment. Meant to be Increasing AD dose and was going to wait until I had a few clear days but feel so rubbishy I braved taking the higher dose this morning which is making me dizzy and anxious, work tomorrow night won't be fun like this. I'm annoyed though, was trying to get of them not end up taking more . But and I'm sick of feeling constantly sad and hopeless, I have literally no appetite, and having slightly concerning thoughts so I do need them. Then of course I'm drinking more to cope with it, which is just making things worse. It's a bit of a relentless cycle. Sorry to whinge about it here, keeping up appearances in real life so no one really knows, aside from GP.

Going out with work colleagues tonight, was going to be a boozy one but I'm going to drive as I don't trust myself to drink around them. Don't want to go, I'm still in my pyjamas and would happily stay in them!

Anyway hope everyone's having a good weekend xxx

I will speak to my doc at next app about those pills U said lala. But for now all I have are pain killers and diazepam .... Ive not drank for 4 days now, and im really proud of myself for achieving that so im not going to start beating myself up over my benzo's yet. I need to take one hurdle at a time or I will definitelty fall . Last time I went AF this long was pregnancy lol. And I loved that I had an excuse not to drink. I got so used to waking up fresh. I don't know why I went back to it in the first place xxx ELBA can't you say your unwell and by go? X

Wry - couldn't this be construed as harassment in the work place? What a shitty situation - but you did what you believed was right.

Elba - congrats on passing!

Ugh - shitty day with shitty exchanges with The Man I Loved So Much ( new Bond movie title?)

Apparently me setting firm boundaries as to what I will and will not tolerate is 'attacking' him and his family: basically more of the same. I had so hoped he would see the light and own up to his human failings and do something about them (the man who would frequently tell me I took no responsibility for my own failings - I'm on meds and am in therapy(

I cannot stand hypocrisy.

Why do I still hang on to hope?????

I just wrote a really long post then accidentally pressed backwards and lost it all

Right here goes again...

halle huge well done on 4 days af, you are doing so well and sound so positive. Perhaps, whilst you don't want to do anything about the benzo's just yet, maybe start to think of an action plan for when you are ready to address it? You sound like you are gaining strength with every af day which is great.

elba the worrying thoughts you've been having...do you think its something you need to seek rl support for? Go back to your GP? Call the samaritans? I know you were going to speak to your friend about things...is that something you'll likely be able to do in the near future? I know you said she has had bad news so it might be difficult. Don't ever apologise for posting on here, even if we are just random people on the internet we really do care.

lala so good to have you back! I hope your dp's return went ok today? Perhaps give it a few weeks to see how you feel now he's back? It might make you realise you definitely love him....or it might make you realise you are better, and stronger, without him. either way.

ma i hope you get the news you want soon regarding funding, its been going on so long now and what with all the other things you are dealing with you are doing amazingly.

Things are ok here, i had a glass of wine at lunch with a friend, and am having one now whilst watching the fa cup final on tv. If i only drink tonight (and not tomorrow) then i will have halved my intake from last week to approx 20 units.

I can't tell you how much stronger i am than this time last year. I was easily on 50/60 units a week for most of last year and since joining this bus have reduced that to about 40 on a bad week and none on a (very) good week. I can't thank you enough babes.

oh and wry i love a jigsaw me, but never have anywhere to put one that i'm working on with my resident whirlwind dd around. So online one's suit me perfectly. I can easily loose a few hours to them of an evening!

That's the utterly crappy drawback of technology - one wrong keystroke and it's all gone. ( This coming from someone who hates physically writing unless there is no other option).

too true pink, I'm the same though - avoid actual writing where possible!

I hope you get a positive outcome with all you are going through, you must feel all over the place. But it sounds like you've done the right thing for you and your dc's. Do you know when you'll find out the outcome once and for all?

Please help. Im in such a panic. My friend has just mailed me to say that the girls from school are having a catch up "liquid lunch" tomorrow and do I want to go?? Now Id love to as I haven't seen some
Of these women since I was 16, but I know I will
Need a bit of Dutch courage and confidence in meeting them. Im
Only on day 4AF and I really
Don't feel I will be strong enough to refuse a drink under these circumstances. But I also don't want to cancel/not go because ita a first and possibly last time
It will happen (it's because an old school friend is moving to OZ in a few weeks and none of us will see her for a long long time). I am actually having palpitations right now just thinking about it. Help xxx

Halle honestly my advice would be to not go. I know you want to see them but are you willing to pay the price. You know that it will lead to a blackout and it may take you a long time to get back to where you are now.

There is always something and we just have to learn to navigate these situations. It's too early for you to risk everything for a night you won't remember anyway.

Bow out. Make an excuse and try to catch up individually with each of them at a later time, via skype if necessary.

I agree with faire, not worth the fall out. Make your excuses...it's time to think of yourself lovely.

What about the girl
Who is going to OZ that I might never see again and what Id some of the girls turn on me for bowing out? (Some
Of them can be funny that way). I already feel quite lonely
A lot of the time just now as it is but I don't want to lose what few friends I have left. I know I could easily talk myself into believing I will go and have 2 drinks and come home .... But I know im just lying to myself. Yes that is a possibility .... But there is also a possibility I could mess up big time and have that awful gut wrenching feeling again. That's the thing .... I never ever know how a night of drinking is gonna go with me what a risk I would be taking xxx so proud of my 4 days Aswell xx