Note: Mumsnetters don't necessarily have the qualifications or experience to offer relationships counselling or to provide help in cases of domestic violence. Mumsnet can't be held responsible for any advice given on the site. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

me and alcohol have ruined my family

(1000 Posts)
jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 12:32:34

title says it all really - i really cocked up last night, dh walked out, i cant remember what i said to him sad

today i have actually been in touch with AA but i think its all too late, my dd hates me, as does my parents, yes im feeling sorry for myself right now but i also know i have to change and stop drinking but dont know how.

what can i do to put things right? help me!

nancydrewrocks Mon 31-May-10 12:46:40

Rarely is it ever too late.

You have taken a huge step contacting AA. Well done.

Sorry I don't have any direct experience of this but no doubt someone will be along that does...

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 12:49:22

Go to a meeting. Today. You've made a wonderful first step in acknowledging that you have a problem with alcohol.

AA will help you stop, but for now, if it helps, take it one hour at a time. For the next hour, don't have a drink. And carry on like that. When you feel ready you can take it one day at a time.

Don't stay sober to put things right. Stay sober because you are ill and alcohol makes you worse. Just try that for now.

My DH is an alcoholic. He has been sober for nearly 3 and a half years now. We're so much happier now than we were when he was drinking and had he carried on I'd have left him by now. We are much happier as a family without alcohol.

Can you get to a meeting today? They meet regardless of bank holidays.

expatinscotland Mon 31-May-10 12:50:23

Today is the first day of the rest of your life.

Go to a meeting.

Today.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 12:51:29

thanks nancy - im just sitting here waiting for dh to come home, i have the most agonising feeling that he is going to say he has had a gut full and that its over sad

i dont think he will be impressed by my admitting my problem, will proberbly say he has heard it all before etc

i just want him and dd to love again, they are my absolute life.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 12:53:23

thanks everyone, a lady has called me to say that there is a meeting tomorrow. i WILL be going

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 12:55:01

im such a fuck-up, just sitting here crying, how fucking pathetic

Snuppeline Mon 31-May-10 12:55:20

Well done, you've made a huge step! Do as the others say, go to the AA today. They will help you get through the rough patches as you learn to live without alcohol. They will also help you reach out to your family and seek reconsiliation with them. Its all part of their 12 steps. If your worried your words wont convince them you must show them you mean business with your actions. It may take a long time for them to trust you but then again you have had a long time to teach them not to trust you so its only fair if you get to work a bit at the relationship thing isn't it? Don't give up. You have realised what is key;, that your family means more to you than alcohol, now prove it to them.

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 12:55:51

You MUST go. You must stop drinking for yourself. Will you come back here and let us know how you got on?

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 12:56:37

You aren't pathetic. You have identified that you have a problem and you are prepared to do something about it. That makes you strong.

expatinscotland Mon 31-May-10 12:57:06

however fucked up your life is, it's even more fucked up if you are drinking.

expatinscotland Mon 31-May-10 12:58:02

so stop. every hour you don't drink is an hour of your life back.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 13:02:46

thanks expat - im just so scared that this is it, i really have damaged things so badly that my marriage is unfixable - and he really is the love of my life sad without him and dd, my life isnt worth a sack of shit.

Lambriniknickers Mon 31-May-10 13:08:37

Well done for admitting you have a problem.

My mother is an alcoholic, and has been an abusive, vindictive drunk for as long as I can remember. But she, and the rest of my family ignore the problem. Had she taken the massive step you have taken today I know I would have forgiven everything. I can't speak for your DD, but I imagine that for her the relief will be immense.

Well done again and good luck. Please come back and let us know how you are getting on.

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 13:08:47

You need to show them that you've changed. But do try not to make your drinking dependent on them doing/saying things. They will end up resenting you. Do this for you. The fixing of your relationships will follow.

TrappedinSuburbia Mon 31-May-10 13:10:52

I tend to binge drink and quite often it ends in horrendous fights with my dp (he's left a few times). My ds misses out on doing stuff at the weekend as im too hungover.

I was thinking about AA as well, don't know if i'll have the guts to go though or if my problem is bad enough.

Please let me know how you get on at the meeting and what its like, I may make it there yet.

CarGirl Mon 31-May-10 13:13:23

trapped your problem is bad enough find those guts and take that step x

llareggub Mon 31-May-10 13:16:11

What cargirl said. Give it a go. No one will throw you out for not being addicted enough.

deste Mon 31-May-10 13:20:17

I think you should also see your GP. There is help out there but you should probably be on medication. I have two clients going through the same thing. Two of them went to a clinic. One stayed the full term, the other left early. The one who went the full term is brilliant and the other now wishes she continued. Luckily she is being given another chance. Good luck.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 13:25:25

ok, got to go, dh is home, the look of hurt in his eyes is just dreadful, will be back later or tomorow

Earlybird Mon 31-May-10 13:27:55

It used to infuriate me when either of my parents behaved abominably when drunk, and then slobbered all over me when sober/hungover, filled with regret/asking me to 'forgive' them, when I knew their sorrow was superficial panic and nothing would change in my life in real terms. It would all happen again, and again. And they'd be even more sorry next time.

i think going to an AA meeting is an important first step to show your parents, dh and dd that you recognise you have a problem and know that your behaviour is not OK. Regular attendance at AA will show them that rather than simply being sorry about how you've acted, and being afraid of the consequences, you are taking steps to learn new ways of behaving.

I think rebuilding the relationships you've damaged through drink/your behaviour will come incrementally - day by day - as you show your family you can be trusted, and that you really are changing. AA can help you with that, and will support you as you learn a new way of living your life.

Good luck.

maryz Mon 31-May-10 13:31:31

A good friend once told me that the only way she could give up alcohol was to be more scared of something else than of doing without, if you know what I mean.

In her case the "something else" was losing her children. So when her husband left and took the children (to her mother's actually) she realised that there was something that was more painful than doing without a drink. She went to an AA meeting that day (she had been before, but never really meant it, just wanted to keep her husband happy), and then signed herself into a 6-week inpatient programme.

She hasn't had a drink since (10 years ago). Her husband returned the children when she had been sober for 6 months, and actually moved back in himself after about a year.

She didn't think she could live without drinking, but she found that in reality what she couldn't live without was her children. She had to get to rock bottom to see it.

Hopefully you are there now - there is only one way from rock bottom and that is up smile.

Snorbs Mon 31-May-10 13:45:05

As the (ex) partner of an alcoholic, the best I can recommend is that your DP is probably going to be looking at what you do now, not what you say you're going to do.

It's very easy to make promises about stopping drinking and that's great, but if you make those promises and then break them then that just erodes trust. And an apology for getting pissed and treating him like shit is worthless if you just go and get pissed and treat him like shit all over again.

You can break out of this cycle. But it's going to take actions, not just words.

jesuswhatnext Mon 31-May-10 16:49:10

im back, he just nipped out - god the man is a saint, he says he still loves me, but dosent like me at the moment, but that he still feels we have something worth saving. he has looked at a load of AA websites and is prepared to be as supportive as possible, he will go to the al anon meeting near us next week. i offered to move out for a while but he says he dosent want me to.

i spoke to dd on the phone, she is refusing to come home from her boyfriends house right now, i cant say i blame her sad

so many posts on here have relevance to our family situation

earlybird - that is exactly what i need to avoid with my dd, she is 18 and not daft and i cannot keep hurting her like this

lambriniknickers - that sounds just like my dm, the trouble is, i can see myself going the same way.

snorbs - you aint wrong girl, sorry will mean nothing if i dont follow through

bloody hell, what a sorry state of affairs for a woman my age sad

Jesuswhatnext, you are bloody BRILLIANT... You want proof of that? Here goes:

You are making the right step for you, you are admitting you need help, and are going to AA.

Your DH has been through a lot, but he still sees the person he fell in love with. He doesn't like what she is doing, but he hasn't given up on you, has he?

So don't YOU give up on YOU!

Looking at the tales from the other ladies here, and you saying that you can see yourself going the same way. If you hadn't pulled yourself up and got help, like you just have, it could have happened, but you know what? It won't now, cos you have lots and lots of people around you looking out for you.

Sure you have to do it for yourself, no-one can do it for you, but if it helps, USE the images of how the ladies here with Alcoholic mums have suffered and resolve and promise yourself that you are not going to go to that place.

One step at a time, one minute a time. YOU CAN (and will) do it.

We are all of us here for you, don't you ever forget that?

Your meeting is tomorrow right? Until then, please use us as your sponsor? Come shout for help on the Chat board if you need us to keep you busy?

HUGE HUGS

This thread is not accepting new messages.