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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

So I've been stupid I know but could really do with some help

140 replies

insan1tyscartching · 14/04/2016 13:53

I have been squirreling some money away to leave my husband. We've been married 27 years. He informed me this morning he is going to look at properties on Monday 120 miles away as he's leaving me, the relief is enormous tbh as I thought I'd be forced to leave our council property.He is both financially and emotionally abusive.
Now here comes the nasty bits we have a joint bank account, I have a card but have no access to the account itself he questions every penny I spend.He gives me a cash allowance for food that I have been trying to save by economising on food without him knowing. I have no idea what money he has, I just know he's looking to rent 4 bedroom detached properties by checking his emails. He's only taking the dog! He's deleted pretty much all emails but had missed that one asking if they would take a dog. I had no idea he had the means to finance that as he controls all the money.
We have two disabled children (well one is an adult) their disabliity benefits go in the joint account as does my carers allowance and tax credits,he controls that as well.He has sole use of the motability car that my son is entitled to. He is self employed he pays the rent and the council tax himself although it's a joint tenancy with me as first tenant. All utility bills are in his name as is dd's child benefit.
Please tell me what I need to do,I've been stupid I know but I am not stupid just totally worn down and at my wits end as I have single handedly raised our children and fought to get the support for my children alone. Dh has only superficial relationships with any of them (have adult dc as well) barely speaking to them unless about football with ds.

OP posts:
donajimena · 21/04/2016 22:39

I wonder too.. if he doesn't go will you carry on the process?

insan1tyscartching · 21/04/2016 22:45

Yes I want a divorce asap and we talked at solicitor's today about how to get him out if he decides not to leave. I will have options,she said no one would see a mother with two disabled children put out of her home to allow an abusive h to live there with the dog! I had a tenancy before I married, h was added to it so she said that would factor as well.

OP posts:
hollyisalovelyname · 21/04/2016 23:06

Well done OP Thanks

Unicow · 22/04/2016 00:05

You are bloody amazing. Keep it up. This is the start of a new life. Thanks

BitOutOfPractice · 22/04/2016 04:16

Id start the ball rolling with regards to having him removed from the tenancy

hellsbellsmelons · 22/04/2016 08:38

Fantastic updates.
We are cheering you on here.
You are doing all the right things and sounding so strong.
Keep going!

mix56 · 22/04/2016 09:59

The second he leaves you transfer every last penny from joint account to your own account (if he hasn't already done it.)
You are managing so brilliantly. Good Riddance to the bastard, & welcome to your new life of freedom

insan1tyscartching · 22/04/2016 12:22

Well slowly the penny is dropping I think. Maybe I'm giving off an aura of strength and calm or maybe it's more that I haven't reacted like he expected but today he told me he was disappointed that I hadn't mounted a campaign to get him to stay.He said I haven't even asked him to reconsider,,I just replied we were both unhappy and so it was for the best anyway.
Had a small pity party for himself saying he would have to move away to the coast to get over this as he still loves me to bits (I didn't comment) and then a barbed comment that the bloke down the road would be after me as soon as he'd gone because I've baked him and his kids the odd cake after his wife died as a friendly neighbour gesture. I reassured him that I am off men for the rest of my life.
Expect to get a few more of these sessions over the weekend so intend on finding something that needs my attention urgently to lessen the opportunity.

OP posts:
mix56 · 22/04/2016 13:07

I'm impressed !!! Be strong, he will be back with accusations of an affair, yawn.

RandomMess · 22/04/2016 13:20

Ha ha that is so funny isn't it. He really does think he's a catch!

Tatiana11235 · 22/04/2016 13:42

Op, you're an inspiration! Hats off to you and best of luck! Flowers

donajimena · 22/04/2016 13:56

I'm wondering if this was a ploy to try and hurt you. I went out with an arsehole once who used to say he was moving 200+ miles away. In the beginning I used to get upset..
Then I used to wish he WOULD move 200+ miles away.
The last time he said it I said 'yes you've mentioned it X number of times so its probably a good idea' he looked very confused...Grin

tipsytrifle · 22/04/2016 14:42

oh wow insan1ty - you are utterly awesome and inspiring, I'm sure, to those who are hoping to leave but haven't quite reached out-now-point Star

insan1tyscartching · 22/04/2016 16:40

The thing is I have dreamed of the day it would be over for years so I think that's why I appear so resolved and determined. I've never posted all the times I've wished he'd leave or I could leave though.
H is feeling sorry for himself today so might just come down with a headache later or will fetch one of my books that is simply too gripping to be distracted from to signal my complete disinterest as subtly as possible.

OP posts:
GretchenBeckett · 22/04/2016 16:57

Op you are doing wonderfully Flowers

mix56 · 22/04/2016 17:00

Yes, BUT, if he sees its not getting the desired effect he might decide not to go.
He wants you to hurt & cry.
Just consider if maybe you should now keep up the act, & make him really feel its going oto ruin you... You don't want him deciding to stay, altho now you have the bit between your teeth, you can ditch him anyway (& must)
Once he's gone, Don't look back.

Kelandry · 22/04/2016 17:28

Maybe op, drop hints that you don't think he has the balls to move that far, hence your lack of belief in his whole story. That'll get him out.

GoldfishCrackers · 22/04/2016 17:37

Insan1ty this is warming my cockles! Keep up the good work!

insan1tyscartching · 22/04/2016 18:27

And now we are back to nasty Hmm it seems it is all my fault,he needs my help,wants to argue over the dog, etc etc, just want him to hurry up and go tbh.

OP posts:
mix56 · 22/04/2016 18:33

if you want the dog, tell him you don't.
if you don't want the dog, tell him you do.
Twisted I know !
I thought he was going to a place specifically because there are good dog walks....

RandomMess · 22/04/2016 18:44

I agree with what mix56 says. I also think a few crocodile tears with comments of "are you really going?" just so he knows he's hurting you... Wink

Footle · 22/04/2016 18:57

Reverse psychology is the name of the game.

insan1tyscartching · 22/04/2016 19:11

Trouble is if I appear at all bothered he will think I want him to stay so don't want to do that. I'm just going to sit tight until I've seen the solicitor about a divorce as the one I saw the other day spoke of options to get him out even if he didn't go willingly and quickly.
No idea why there is all the angst over the dog tbh.I think he thinks it would bother me if he took it when I'm pretty ambivalent either way. He on the other hand wants the dog (hence the location he's moving to) but wants me to be bothered about him taking it I think.

OP posts:
Lunar1 · 22/04/2016 19:27

He wants you to be begging him to stay and can't understand why you're not. You are doing so well.

AvaCrowder · 22/04/2016 19:39

Well I don't think you've been stupid. When is he going?
I think if he starts the controlling act like he thought you'd be upset, just say no I'm tired and worn out, I've got no fight left in me.
Then fight!

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