So I've been stupid I know but could really do with some help

[insan1tyscartching]

I have been squirreling some money away to leave my husband. We've been married 27 years. He informed me this morning he is going to look at properties on Monday 120 miles away as he's leaving me, the relief is enormous tbh as I thought I'd be forced to leave our council property.He is both financially and emotionally abusive.
Now here comes the nasty bits we have a joint bank account, I have a card but have no access to the account itself he questions every penny I spend.He gives me a cash allowance for food that I have been trying to save by economising on food without him knowing. I have no idea what money he has, I just know he's looking to rent 4 bedroom detached properties by checking his emails. He's only taking the dog! He's deleted pretty much all emails but had missed that one asking if they would take a dog. I had no idea he had the means to finance that as he controls all the money.
We have two disabled children (well one is an adult) their disabliity benefits go in the joint account as does my carers allowance and tax credits,he controls that as well.He has sole use of the motability car that my son is entitled to. He is self employed he pays the rent and the council tax himself although it's a joint tenancy with me as first tenant. All utility bills are in his name as is dd's child benefit.
Please tell me what I need to do,I've been stupid I know but I am not stupid just totally worn down and at my wits end as I have single handedly raised our children and fought to get the support for my children alone. Dh has only superficial relationships with any of them (have adult dc as well) barely speaking to them unless about football with ds.

You are a brave and brilliant woman!

You are NOT stupid, you haven't been stupid and won't ever be stupid. You are amazing, brave, clever and a great mum -I bet you 'put up and shut up' with a lot for the sake of your children?

You have been horribly abused, and just over 12 months ago I was in a similar situation. Now my life is the one I used to day dream about having 😊 and in no time yours will be that life too 😀 It will be peaceful, joyful, happy and calm - the 'feisty', ballsy, confident woman you used to be will come back and be better than ever! You'll have loads more friends and a better social life etc. Life will be fun, enjoyable and rewarding, with no more treading on eggshells and appeasing a bully.

Well done you - keep on moving forwards, one step at a time and don't let that pathetic bully keep you down any longer.

Don't look back, you're not going that way, keep going onwards and upwards - we're all rooting for you and inspired by you 😊

My appointment is Thursday and I've spoken to the local Women's Aid,I feel embarrassed tbh because out of the house I have a reputation of being hard as nails as I've taken on Doctors, schools and the Local Authority and won to ensure my dc get the support they have needed.
In the house though I have been intimidated and threatened for years by the very person who is supposed to have been loving and supporting me and what he is threatening me with and has repeatedly threatened (telling them something that happened when I was seriously ill with pnd more than twenty years ago) will hurt my children more than anything else and there really is no need for them to ever know.
Dreading him getting back tonight expect him to be hideous tbh.

Easy for someone else to say, but how about getting in first by explaining this 'terrible' secret to the children yourself ?

OP you are amazing.

I hope it all goes really well for you and that prat of a husband gets the shock of his life. You go girl.

Well I suppose I will have to and I will but if he could be a reasonable adult and put our children first then I wouldn't have to. It's not even that bad and is totally understandable in the context of how unwell I was (psychotic) and how unsupportive he was (he wasn't any good back then either)

Your children will remember 20 years of your support and love.

OP, that's amazing ! I wonder if they will even be upset - it may explain a lot to them, about the hold he has had over you.

You know what if you had severe pnd (was it postnatal psychosis?) you can go along the lines of explaining to your dc how ill you were because they need to know in case they decide to have dc has there is a genetic factor so either they (your dds) or their female grandchildren in the future could suffer from it.

Then it isn't a secret anymore it's a "can you believe that your hormones can make you so bonkers that you think/do xyz"?

What an utter vile sorry excuse for a man this bastard is

Won't be long now and it will be you and your lovely dc's and he will probably spend the rest of his days a lonely bitter man without a friend in the world

stay strong

Op you sound so strong! Well done for all you've accomplished this week .

Random yes it was psychotic pnd, I was unsupported, the GP thought I wasn't "too bad", the HV mistook the manic symptoms for me coping spectacularly well with a newborn and an 18month old and dh carried on as he always did,the two children didn't impact his life at all and thought I should get a grip. It's down to luck I think that the two dc and I survived to tell the tale but what I did was an act of desperation and so totally out of character and a cry for help rather than how dh tells it. Maybe I need to tell them how it was at the time (but it hardly paints him in the best light either) it's just really difficult for me to speak about probably because of how ashamed dh has made me feel about it.

You were ill - no need for shame.

Sounds like your children know exactly what your H is like. Postpartum Psychosis is an illness and you shouldn't be ashamed of what happened, sounds like you did amazingly well to get through it with little support. Your H should have been your advocate for help, pushing the GP and HV for help. He let you and your DC down.

There was a recent documentary about it on one of the terrestrial channels. I watched it on catch-up. Maybe your children might like to watch it.

Rooting for you here too. We're all behind you. Baby steps moving forward and I expect there's MNers who can give more practical advice than me!

They always have something emotional to hold over you - a moment when you broke down. Then they use it again and again to threaten you. They tell you you're mad or hysterical and that you are unsafe with the children. But in reality you were under extreme pressure and had pnd without any support. You know that now I guess but all those years he's held that over you and used it to control you because he knows you were frightened it would get out, you'd lose the children, and be humiliated in the process. All abusers use this tactic. When you see it as a tactic, it takes some of the fear out of it.

I wouldn't tell the children what happened if it will frighten them. You could talk to them about post natal depression and say you had it and how unsupported you were, that would then lay the groundwork if you have to discuss what happened in detail(if your stbxh tells them about it). They'd have some context in which to understand it. I doubt he'll bother tbh, as he is leaving and doesn't know you are prepared. He'll feel like he has a win anyway and won't want the responsibility of the children.

If he does tell all and sundry (very unlikely, because he already thinks he has 'won'), then just make sure you tell them all about his ongoing abuse over the years and you'll find many people will understand. You could always deny it and say 'he's abusive and lying'.

Rationally I know you are all right but he still uses it. It's more than twenty five years ago now, if I'd murdered someone it's unlikely I'd still be paying for it would I? It wasn't even against the law and I wasn't in my right mind and I have more than paid the price but he will use it.
I suppose I have to hope that my dc see me as I am and how I have loved and cared for them their whole lives and they see how nasty it is of him to be using it against me now and hope for the best.
He told dd1 that he is moving 100 miles away because I have made him leave and it hurts him too much to stay nearby(he's going to his favourite part of the country to be clear) and that he expects ds 3 to go to him when college is over as he will be furious with me.
He is obviously going to go for the blame game and toy with ds3's emotions because he is the most easily manipulated. My others have a better grasp on how it really is and wouldn't fall for it.
Thought it was unlikely he'd put the dc's feelings before his own but would have hoped so for their sake so worried about how much hurt he will cause them before he goes.

Well you do need to tell them for practical reasons!!

Friend had Postnatal psychosis, it wasn't diagnosed for a long time mainly in part because her grandmother had kept hers a complete secret. Had her Mum known there was history all would have been treated so much more quickly and so on.

There is no shame in what is a pure biological response - shows your H in a much worse light, he was the one who was not ill and chose not to support you.

Well I talked to ds 2 about what happened, he was four months old btw. It feels like the biggest thing I have ever done, it took ages because I cried buckets and his reaction.......... "so what? it's no big deal and it has nothing to do with you and Dad splitting up so why would he bring it up?" If he can think like that then I'm going to try and forgive myself because he said even if I hadn't been ill it's nothing to beat myself up for for 25 plus years and definitely nothing to have held over me by someone else.
You know what I'd forgotten about,I've brought them up to be kind and considerate, compassionate adults because I really have raised them myself with barely any input from h. I should have known really and trusted that they were who I hoped and believed they were.
Will tell the other older two, I'm less worried about telling dd for some reason she's probably less idealistic than my dses I suppose.

Well done you!!!!!

Nothing constructive to add as I think you have it all covered but I just wanted to say I think you are amazing and wish you all the best. You should be so proud of yourself.

forgive yourself,op. we all need to do the same.

Well told dd now, it gets easier the more I say it so not quite as many tears. Again she doesn't see why I've been so worried for years, she said she thought I was going to say I'd left ds2 on somebody's doorstep or tried to have him adopted and was pretty disappointed it wasn't something shocking or sensational
I've been a bit of a fool really haven't I? I'm glad I've told them (only one more to go) as I am less fearful now. I've asked them not to say anything until or if he mentions it because I won't tell him and I'd rather him not know that he's losing his grip on me.

I think you're so brave, I'm really rooting for you!

OP, I feel like giving you a high five !

Just want to say you're being amazingly brave and sound a lovely person and mother.

You'll soon be free of that bastard.